Toshi was feeling completely disconnected from his body. He had been trying to figure out what was going on, when Meiko told him who had given her the pills that made her go completely insane. Hearing that, he started to put things together. Toshi came to the conclusion that, for some unknown reason he didn't understand right now, the angels were deeply invested in him hooking up with Meiko. He followed up that conclusion with the internalized question, ~I wonder why the angels tried to get Meiko to rape me?~

 

 

Upon following that particular chain of thought, a primordial terror from the depths of Toshi's subconscious rose up and took control of his body. Possessed by an all consuming fear, he proceeded to flee like the devil himself was after him. He was completely disconnected from his actions. Whatever was going on had nothing to do with his life experiences, but was some sort of deep rooted anguish from the original Toshi's life.

 

 

It was hard to comprehend the feelings and emotions bombarding him. On one hand, this served as absolute proof that, on some level, he was part Kimoto Toshi. They were both inside the same brain, some how. Toshi actually felt this was a good thing, in a detached sort of way. There was something of Hirofumi and Asuka's son left to salvage.

 

 

On the other hand... Blind Panic? Not so good.

 

 

Flashes of past memories assaulted Toshi like he was having an epileptic seizure. He was in a bathroom with some girl. He felt a familiarity, like this was trust betrayed. He was young, she was far older. It was winter, but they were indoors. She kissed him on the lips and it was wrong. Her lips were chapped. They weren't merely dry, but rough as if her lips has cracked in the dry winter weather, bled, then scabbed over several times. She had turned off the light and they were alone in echoey darkness. He couldn't tell how old this memory was, but it felt like his age was in the single digits.

 

 

He ran. He ran out of the house, out into sleet and storm. He ran away as far as he could. He was lost. He was found. People were angry with him. He got yelled at. He wanted to explain but he couldn't talk. She was there behind his rescuers, licking her lips and smiling. She was always smiling. Her smile was so wide her lips had cracked. A fresh red line could be seen on her lower lip. He was too terrified to speak. He didn't even know the right words.

 

 

As these impressions overwhelmed him, the part of Toshi that was detached from all of this tried to make sense of it. Perhaps it was being in the dark enclosed space of the van. Perhaps part of it was being alone with Meiko while thinking dark thoughts. Perhaps that was what dragged this childhood trauma to the surface. Alas, understanding what was happening in a clinical, detached sort of way did absolutely nothing to help him regain control.

 

 

In the moment, this was pure nightmare fuel being dumped straight into his lizard hindbrain. No matter how hard Toshi tried to take the reins, a million slithering horrors were still grasping at his heart with clicking claws. If he paused for a single second, they would catch him and drag him down into the depths of Hell itself.

 

 

Then he tripped. He pitched forward and tumbled to a halt in the dust of a dead, dried out riverbed. He tried to keep running, but his foot was caught. SHE had caught him. SHE had him. A light shone in his eyes. He screeched in terror as he tried to defend himself again. It was hopeless. It was all over.

 

It was Meiko?

 

She spoke to him in a soft voice. He couldn't understand her words, but she was trying to calm him down. Toshi wanted to calm down, but he was trapped in this fugue state. He pathetically waved the plastic handle in his hand around as if it was talisman against evil.  He felt so small and hated himself for being so weak. That was when Meiko said something that filtered through the mental debris bouncing around in his brain.

 

 

Something clicked.

 

Toshi, in that moment, realized that for all his desire to some how 'connect' with the original Toshi, he held that child in utter distain. He looked down on everything that the other Toshi had done snd had never once tried to figure out what had made the lad tick. Even now, seeing the other Toshi's memories and experiencing the other Toshi's emotions, It wasn't something to be comprehended, just condemned.  Toshi couldn't tolerate weakness.

 

Not in the other Toshi, nor in himself.

 

This realization was a breakthrough. If Toshi wanted to come to terms with his own fractured psyche, he needed a different approach. He needed compassion, not contempt. He needed to accept, not reject. He needed to see himself the way Meiko was looking at him right now.

 

Toshi always found weakness to be disgusting. He thought of himself as a sympathetic person, but the truth was, he could only really be that way to women. Women were allowed to be flawed. A woman were expected to be weak. A weak man was pathetic. Weak men were unworthy of respect. If the original Toshi was weak, then Toshi, on a subconscious level, would always reject.

 

No wonder he felt like a pile of two different puzzles mixed together.

 

Lying there in the dust of a dried out riverbed, he realized that the truth was he hated himself because he could only love strength. It was why his relationship with Naora was as it was. He had to be strong at all times in front of her. If he couldn't bring himself to forgive weakness, how could he ever be the good person he wanted to become? In that moment, he did something he had never done before.

 

He told himself it was okay to be scared.

 

And like that, the fear was gone. He felt his heart slow down. His thoughts became clear and ordered again. Oddly enough, he felt giddy at having made this breakthrough in dealing with his nightmarish duality. Unfortunately, as much as he wanted to explore this new understanding, he realized he needed to deal with the elephant in the room.

 

How the hell was Meiko's mom caught up in all this angel drama and what were they trying to achieve?

 

Toshi finally looked away from Meiko as he tried to figure out how to handle this. Was this a case of 'when the cat's away, the mice will play'? When God left to handle this... war? Or whatever he was doing... did the Angels he left behind start doing things 'their way'? What did the angels want from him? To stud him? Does having a jumbo sized soul mean his children will be super strong as well?

 

Out of all the theories, that one seemed both the craziest, and yet, the most likely.

 

~So, what happens if I reject Meiko? They selected her for a reason, but it seems clear to me she isn't going along with their plan. She is on my side.~ He took a sharp breath, ~I need to keep her on my side.~ He closed his eyes as he followed this new theory to its logical conclusion, ~What do I know? Her mother treated her like crap... until she started dating me. Now she is being praised for the first time in her life because her mother finally sees value in her. This must mean her mother is working with the angels. Which makes sense since they own a shrine.~

 

His eyes abruptly flared open as he realized something, ~If I reject Meiko, what will they do to her? She's disobeyed her mother and I have no doubt an angel is watching us right now. They will surely report this betrayal. I saw what they were willing to do to rescue me. Will they hesitate for a moment to dispose of Meiko if she stops being useful?"

 

He scowled as he realized how bad this was for her, ~Running away in a panic like this is going to look bad! They are going to assume I rejected her. They'll definitely try to replace her, maybe... get rid of her.~ This sent a shiver up his spine, ~I need her as an ally, but I can't tell her what is going on. I need to...~

 

It suddenly dawned on Toshi exactly what he would need to do to convince any angelic observers that their plans had not completely unraveled, ~As of right now, they know, for a fact, that she cannot be trusted. However, She didn't lie to me, so I cannot let them replace her.~

 

He slowly turned to look up at her through his eyelashes, ~There is only one way I can think of that will show them that she's won my heart.~ He pulled himself up to kneel before her, "The truth is, you are the only one I trust."

 

He reached out to grab her by the collar and pull her in close, suddenly locking lips with her, ~I'm sorry to mess with your heart like this!~ He abruptly fell back to lie on the ground, pulling her on top of him in the process.

 

His thoughts turned to Naora, ~Damnit! Technically we're not actually dating... right?~ He bit his lower lip as he looked up at the surprised Meiko, ~How would I even explain this?~

 

He gave Meiko the best, 'Come-And-Get-It' look he could muster and spoke in a soft, breathless way that screamed vulnerability, "I'm totally helpless against you."

 

Even in the dark he could see her face become flushed as she trembled in anticipation.

 

"I trust you implicitly." He whispered.

 

~I wish I didn't like you. This would be so much easier if I hated you, or you were hideous, because then I'd just be using you. I want to say that, but I'd be lying.~ He reached up to push a stray hair behind her ear, ~Because I think I will enjoy this.~ Touching her felt like jolts of electricity were jumping between her warm skin and his fingertips,  ~Maybe Usagi has a point.~ He lifted his head up, closing half the distance between his lips and hers, ~Fuck it. I don't want to think anymore.~

 

 

 

"I trust whatever choice you make."