"WHY DON'T YOU HATE ME???"

 

 

 

 

 

Toshi found himself on the kitchen floor, embraced tightly by his mother from behind. She held his wrists firmly, preventing him from harming himself. Following dinner, while he was carrying his dishes to the sink, his fingers suddenly lost their strength, causing him to drop everything. As his dish clattered on the floor, he became overwhelmed with emotion. With a shudder, tears started streaming silently down his face. His mother, sensing his distress, hopped up from her seat and quickly approached him, just as he began to wail and strike at his own face repeatedly with his fists.

 

Seizing him, she wrestled him to the floor while he screamed at the top of his lungs. A relentless stream of self-deprecating remarks poured from his mouth as he expressed his suffering, declaring himself not to be her son, his self-hatred, and how he deserved to die because he was a burden on his family. In just a few seconds, Toshi's demeanor shifted from calm and peaceful, enjoying a laid-back evening, to a distraught and angst-ridden mess blubbering on the floor.

 

Hinako and Hirofumi just stood there and watched, seemingly paralyzed in confusion as they observed the intense outburst. Despite a strong urge to intervene, the erratic movements of Toshi flailing about and his struggles with his mother made it seem impossible for them to physically approach.

 

"WHY? WHY? I'M SORRY! I'M SO SORRY! WHAT HAVE I DONE? I'M SORRY! I'M SO SO SO SO SOR-" Toshi halted mid-word. It took another few seconds, but just as soon as this all began, he went limp and with a shudder, stopped struggling. Asuka continued to hold him tightly, not willing to trust that whatever had happened had now passed. It had been less than a minute since his outburst began, making the abrupt end challenging to comprehend.

 

With the silence finally prevailing, Hirofumi suddenly took Hinako's plates from her hands and hurriedly carried them to the sink to toss inside for disposal. Snatching a towel formally draped over the oven handle, he hastily returned, kneeling in front of his son. "Toshi, what's wrong?" He was deeply distressed by what he had just witnessed and on the verge of tears himself.

 

Toshi focused on trying to breathe, finding it to be a bit of a challenge. Glancing around as if he had just come out of a fugue state, he slowly attempted to free his hand. Asuka reluctantly released her grip. He reached for the shoulder portion of his sleeve, using it to blow his nose. This action elicited a mixture of disgust and surprise from everyone present.

 

Toshi finally managed a clear, deep breath and mumbled, "What the Hell?"

 

His mother finally relaxed, "What just happened?" She was asking Toshi, but she also looked to her husband for answers for she felt completely out of her depth.

 

Toshi put a hand over his chest, "I don't know I just... I... felt... so sad." He squeezed his eyes, "Goddamn, I'm sorry. That... was... I-"

 

Hirofumi let out a short laugh, cupped Toshi's face with one hand, then wiped away Toshi's tears with the other, "Why are you sorry?" He had a weird look that was both happy and upset at the same time.

 

Toshi blinked at his father, "I... I just... lost control. I-"

 

Toshi's father held the towel over Toshi's nose, instructing him simply, "Blow." Toshi blinked, looked embarrassed, and then did as instructed. Hirofumi helped Toshi stand up, while Hinako moved to do the same for her mother. The group collectively relocated as Hirofumi guided his son to the living room couch, settling down with him. "I think what just happened was something to be expected," He remarked with a comforting smile.

 

Everyone blinked, especially Toshi. He stared hard at his father, "Excuse me?"

 

Hirofumi neatly folded the towel to conceal the snot and attempted to tidy up Toshi's shirt. "I believe, son, that you've been living without expressing your feelings for a long time due to your brain trauma, and now, finally, they just might be coming back," He suggested.

 

Toshi started to hyperventilate, "I-I can't live like this!" He grabbed his chest, "I need to get to the doctor and get some medication or something because-"

 

His father interrupted by seizing Toshi's cheeks with both hands, compelling him to make eye contact. "NO," His father asserted, prompting Toshi to fall silent. Gradually easing his grip, Hirofumi conveyed, "This... is what you were like. Understand? It wasn't this intense, but you used to FEEL things. This isn't a bad thing. In fact, this just might be the first time I've seen you... be normal."

 

As Toshi began to protest, Hirofumi gently placed a finger over his son's lips, hushing him. "Shhh... relax. If you keep everything bottled up and never let it out, this is what happens. Trying to always be in control is what causes this. If you don't let things out, you're going to explode..." He jogged his head towards the kitchen floor where they had been but moments ago, "Like just now." He emphasized.

 

Asuka settled onto the couch opposite her husband. "I believe your father is right. We've been concerned about your state of mind. You are so tightly wound up all the time. We can tell. That's not normal. If you don't deal with how you feel, this is going to keep happening. You need to address your feelings, not suppress them." Her words were a bit stilted and forced. She clearly wanted to help, but dealing with feelings wasn't part of her skill set, so she fell back to the sort of clinical speech she used when she was a police officer talking to a civilian.

 

Toshi narrowed one eye and widened the other as he turned to his mother with a look of incredulity. "You're one to talk, Mom,"

 

Hinako knelt in front of Toshi on the floor, gazing up at him. "Uh... that's because we're women, DUH," she said with a smile, rubbing his knee in a comforting gesture, "What is it you said, Mom?" She turned her attention to Asuka. "The only two feelings a woman should have is Hungry and H-"

 

Asuka swiftly cut her daughter off, "That was a JOKE." and shot her a disapproving look, "But..." She turned back to Toshi as she continued, "There are different expectations for men and women. While nobody should keep their feelings bottled up, it's acceptable for a boy to be expressive." She pushed a stray lock of hair back behind Toshi's ear, "Maybe you should take advantage of that? I mean..." She rolled her eyes and glanced at Hinako, "Yes, women are supposed to be stoic and whatnot, but even I have to blow off steam, now and again. Everyone needs to open up to someone." She glanced past Toshi as she reached out to touch her husband on the shoulder. "For me, I have your father. I couldn't make it through this world without him."

 

Hirofumi smiled tenderly at his wife. With a hint of emotion in his eyes, he blinked away a tear via a flutter of eyelashes. He mouthed the words 'thank you,' as he gazed lovingly at his spouse.

 

Hinako looked away, appearing a bit embarrassed by the public display of affection. Toshi observed the exchange between his parents, shifting his focus back and forth, from one to the other. Suddenly, he leaped up, and with some effort, extricated himself from the midst of everyone. Standing a few feet away, he refused to look back and instead stared at the far wall as he took slow, deep breaths. Swiftly, he regained control and got his emotions back under control.

 

As he finally turned back around, he came face to face with his father. Toshi reflexively tried to step away as Hirofumi grabbed him by the shoulders, "STOP THAT."

 

Toshi blinked, his expression one of fear. He was unable to speak, only moving his jaw in a silent attempt to convey... something. Of what, he knew not.

 

Hirofumi pulled Toshi into a hug and spoke calmly to his son, "It'll be all right. Everything will be fine." He slowly stroked Toshi's back soothingly, "I promise. We'll get through whatever this is and you'll be FINE."

 

Toshi froze.

 

Internally, Toshi could feel what was going on, but the difficulty was in explaining it. The outburst didn't represent his true feelings. That torrent of sadness belonged to the old Toshi, not his body's current occupant. Despite Hirofumi's comforting embrace at that moment, a new fear was taking hold. One Toshi couldn't shake.

 

The fear gripping Toshi wasn't solely due to his father encouraging the old Toshi to resurface. In a peculiar way, the present Toshi yearned for that to occur, but he also dreaded the consequences. He had no idea what would happen if the old Toshi returned. In his heart, he knew this family deserved their old son back, but he was unwilling to risk his own existence by allowing old Toshi to take over. He felt like a coward for wanting to survive at the cost of another.

 

The old Toshi had squandered this family. He didn't deserve a second chance. The new Toshi had put in the time and effort to fix things. He wanted what was best for this family and the old Toshi had done many terrible things. At least, this is what Toshi told himself as he remembered the nightmare from so long ago where the old Toshi returned and murdered everyone. How could they be safe if Toshi lost control to that manipulative monster, now that he had gained everyone's trust?

 

 

 

No, That wasn't what was causing his fear to grow.

 

 

 

 

What was causing his growing fear was this moment.

 

 

 

 

 

This was the first time since he arrived in this world that he had felt relaxed by his father's embrace.

 

 

 

 

 

 

For as he allowed all the tension to leave his body...

 

 

 

 

 

 

He had no idea which version of him was feeling comforted.