I woke up. I was in an empty and abandoned back alley…
Oh. Actually, no, I wasn’t.
I was in the waiting room of what looked like a hospital.
And I didn’t remember anything, nor did I have anything with me that could prove my identity – or anything that couldn’t. I didn’t have anything in me, period.
Except a small cardboard box full of normal-looking pills.
I thought about taking one, but just as I was going to, a nurse signaled for me to follow her.
I managed to barely stand upright and follow the nurse to a doctor’s room not far away.
There, I was told to sit down in a chair, and a middle aged woman entered the room. She must be the doctor, I thought.
“Hey, doctor, can I ask you a question?”, I managed to say out loud, though my voice sounded to me like I hadn’t spoken in a long time.
“What is it, sir?”
“Can… can I take one of these?”
I signaled to the box of pills I had on me.
She took a look at one of the pills and said “Yes, of course. Feel free to.”
So I took one and swallowed it.
The world shattered as if it was made of glass, becoming light itself. Colors flew everywhere. I saw a buncha dolphins made of light, some random abstract drums and a lot of random stuff that I had no way to know was from a Tetris game of all things.
After a while of admiring the crazy LSD Tetris stuff, I realized I was standing somewhere completely different from the hospital, and the trance inducing imagery was long gone.
Where was I? I didn’t know, but I felt like I vaguely remembered.
It might’ve been some game scenery for all I knew.
It looked like the greenest of hills, green everywhere and as far as my sight could reach – except it was all covered in snow, making it white and invalidating the first half of this sentence.
I looked behind me and saw a small house, with a big sign names “START” right besides it.
I knew what I was supposed to do.
GOTTA GO FAST BITCH, RUN LIKE THERE’S NO TOMORROW!
ROLLIN’ AROUND AT THE SPEED OF SOUND
GOT PLACES TO GO GOTTA FOLLOW MY RAINBOOOOW
CAN’T STICK AROUND HAVE TO KEEP MOVING ON
GUESS WHAT LIES AHEAD ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OOOOOUT
…
I kept running and running for what seemed like ages.
The level was getting difficult.
Some walking mushrooms with big eyes and eyebrows were trying to kill me at sight, and there was some generic looking first person shooter protagonist also trying to kill me.
Was I even in the right game right now?
WHO CAREEEEES, I told myself as I ran the race like a running runner running a race.
I didn’t run about who was trying to run me. I would run them and run all their attempts at running me.
IN THIS WORLD, HIS WOOOOOORLD, LIFE’S AN OPEN BOOOOOOK
IN HIS WORLD OF WORLDS, EVERY STEEEEEP MEETS THE REEEST
…
This stage was long.
I had already made a combo 420, killed the final boss, defeated God, shot down all the aliens, discovered the One Piece and maxed out the line count. The game should be over.
But no.
The race kept racing, as I raced towards the race at race speed. Racespeed Race is my race.
Race like a race who races racing as if their race depended on race.
Speeding the speedy speed as I sped speeding, I sped the speed one last speed.
And there, at the end, I could finally see it.
The goal.
A gigantic fucking floating yellow ring was there. Behind it, a big city with a lotta smoke coming out of it had randomly appeared.
But as the PRO GAMER MOMENT JK LOL LMAO ROFL KEK GG XDDDDDDDDDDD I definitely was, I knew I had to jump into the giant fucking floating yellow ring. Everyone knows those lead to special stages that are a fucking pain in the ass but give you power gems and therefore money.
I jumped into the giant fucking floating yellow ring.
I ended up falling head first into the snow, and it somehow hurt as if I’d hit a chunk of metal instead of fucking micro ice particles clumped together. But I managed to touch the ring and apparently that was enough for this buggy piece of shit that was my life, so I got warped.
Into a fucking black space where a wooden box fell on top of my head.
That box contained a bunch of not-so-normal-looking pills. Obviously, by that description alone you shoulda figured it out these weren’t the same pills I had before. No no no no no no no no no no no no no, if you really assumed that very precise and accurate description wasn’t enough, you are fucking WRONG.
Who’s fucking wrong?
Fucking wrong? How can you have sex in a wrong manner?
I would want to know.
Since every fucking fetish is seen as normal nowadays.
“Fucking” fetish.
Huh. Kinda redundant when fetish already involves sex in its definition.
What would a fucking fetish look like? Do I even want an answer to all of these questions?
… No, not really.
I took one of the definitely sussy baka imposter do not touch amogus pills.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND
I woke up at the hospital again.
The doctor was sitting on her desk, signing some paper. She handed the now signed some paper to me.
The some paper stated as follows:
“Fucker insert some doctor jargon here do you really think I can remember any of this shit or that I even bothered to read it????????????”
Accurate description by the way, don’t @ me you assholes.
The doctor gave me a cup of tea.
I drank all the tea, then threw half the tea on top of my head, made pee on the tea, then undrank the tea and finally saved the economy and solved world peace.
After that was done, the doctor said to me, “Thanks, sir. Your checkup is done. You can go out now.”
I followed orders like the brave citizen I was, having solved world piece mere seconds ago.
I went out of the doctor’s clinic, and before I knew it, I had tripped, fallen head-first into the floor, and passed out.
