I woke up.

I was in a rundown and abandoned back alley, and I didn’t remember shit about anything.

And I had absolutely nothing on me – except a small cardboard box. I looked inside, only to find a single very normal-looking pill.

I didn’t have anything else to do, so I swallowed the pill. It somehow felt sad because it was the last one, which didn’t make too much sense because I didn’t remember ever eating the rest – if there ever was a rest.

Just after eating it, my whole body was overcome with a pleasant warmth. I was taken into a weird place.

I was a raincoat.

An empty raincoat floating in the air.

And of course I had to be fucking wet.

Is this what they call drip? I wouldn’t know.

I was in a dark room, sitting in a chair and in front of a table. Opposite me was a living hat, also sitting on a chair, looking straight at me.

Let’s ignore how little sense that all makes, you should be used to it after three thousand five hundred (actually a pretty exact number) words of this garbage.

The hat started talking to me with the power of telepathy and most likely drugs.

“I want to know more about you. Please tell me.”

“Who the hell even are you and where do I know you from?”

“I’m nobody. And you don’t know me. I’m just a filler character, my importance is very little, if any at all. This chapter is mostly here to reach the word minimum, to begin with.”

“Oh, I guess that makes sense. Or no, actually, that’s a lie. This is still an important part of the story, isn’t it?”

“What story? This is just a gigantic shitpost with no real purpose to its existence other than to make some people laugh.”

“I dunno, I just thought it sounded cool.”

“Ahem. As I was saying. I kindly request of you that you tell me more about your person, your identity, your memories, and your actions up to this point.”

“Is this an interrogation?”

“NOW ARE YOU FUCKING NOTICING, YOU PIECE OF GARBAGE?!?!?!?!?!?!”

I’m sorry, I still can’t accept I’m a fucking wet raincoat…”

“???”

“Don’t mind me. So yes. You want to know more about me, right?”

“Yes I fucking do.”

“Well, the thing is… I don’t know a fucking thing.”

“… Wot.”

“Exactly. I know nothing. Not even my name, not even where I came from or where I am. I really don’t know anything. I don’t even know how to spell the word ammysha.”

“Amnesia?”

“Yeah, that! How did you type it??”

“Bruh, just backread man. It’s right there.”

“O-OK, please don’t get mad, hat-san.”

“?????? Anyway, do you really know NOTHING?

“Well, it depend son what your notion of “nothing” is. If I truly knew nothing, how could I know the fact that I know nothing? That’s quite the paradox if you ask me. Because by knowing I know nothing I immediately know something, so I can’t know nothing. However, saying that I do know something would be a lie since all I know is that I know nothing…”

“You seem pretty fucking nuts to me. Are you sure you don’t need a psychiatrist?”

“I actually probably need one, maybe. Actually, what’s a psychiatrist?”

“Oh god this guy truly is beyond help. And here I was, trying to help him, with all the kindness of my heart, only to have to deal with this piece of shit of a doode.”

“Oh, but I actually do know one thing, other than the fact that I know nothing, so it’s two things; and also other than the fact that I know that I know that one thing and that I know that I know that I know…”

“OKAY I FUCKING GET IT JUST SAY IT ALREADY!!!!! THERE’S A LIMIT TO HOW MUCH YOU CAN HOPE TO EXTEND THAT DAMN WORDCOUNT, ASSHOLE!”

“… Okay so. Hear me out. I think. And I know this is gonna sound unbelievable but. I truly believe that this is not real and that my mind is making up everything. So if we break away from the matrix, I should be able to escape this curse…”

“Oh god, he FINALLY FUCKING NOTICED. Well, if you were able to think that far, surely it must not be a lot more effort to realize what must be done to escape the endless cycle.”

“Yes! Indeed. Indeed I realize. The pills. It’s all the pills’ fault. I should stop eating those pills.”

“… You already ran out of pills today. This was the last one.”

“True, that’s true. But what if… the pills weren’t the cause?”

“Then you really would be just hallucinating, my friend. Those pills are your only escape. The only way for you to remember. To not forget about who you are and where you came from.”

“I wonder.”

“Anyway, I think we already met that word count requirement. So I’m afraid this conversation is over. See you some other time, random schizo guy.”

“Bye, Mister Hat. I won’t miss you.”

“I still don’t know why you say I’m a hat, but what did I expect from a schizo drug addict guy like you to begin with.”

“You’re right indeed. Anyway. Bye.”

The world faded into white, and again the heat enveloped my body and soul as I woke up.

I was in a rundown and abandoned back alley, and I didn’t remember shit about anything.

And I had absolutely nothing on me – except a small cardboard box. I looked inside, only to find it completely empty. As if nothing had ever been inside.