Happiness.

 

What was it?

 

To some, it was watching their firstborn attempting to walk for the first time. For some, it was going out for a nice dinner with their significant other. Or was it walking down their favourite park every morning?

 

Some describe it as watching the first crystals of snow falling down from the divine heavens.

 

Some say that it was watching the face of their parents recovering from their terminal illnesses.

 

Happiness.

 

Such an abstract term. It could mean many things, or it could be just one thing.

 

But for me... happiness was a box.

 

Ever since the pandemic began, I dreaded staying indoors. My parents were both overseas, sealed from coming back for the foreseeable future. My friends were under their own restrictions as well. We weren’t allowed back to school, and most of them had returned to their hometowns.

 

Very few of them could actually visit me in my apartment.

 

And so… I started to hate the very place I lived in.

 

Yes, it gave me shelter from the rain and snow. I could shop for clothes online. I could study in peace, far away from any wolves that would approach me at school… Honestly, there was nothing terrible about my arrangements… Physically that is.

 

My mental state, on the other hand… was slowly spiralling out of control.

 

The apartment was supposed to keep me safe, but at this point, it was nothing more than a jail. There was no one to talk to. No one to keep me sane. No one to help me with my woes. It was nothing short of a mental asylum.

 

And just when I was about to go crazy… He came into my life.

 

Desir Snow. The man that I would come to love.

 

I’ll be the first to admit, our first encounters were anything but ideal. I was still recovering from the shock that Paul had given me, and my fear of men was at its peak. And since Desir was a hulk of a man… I had subconsciously pushed him away.

 

Fortunately, I was proved wrong.

 

Desir wasn’t like the other men that came into my life. He was a bona fide gentleman, a gentle giant that would never hurt a fly. He was always understanding of my situation. He’d never treated me like a trophy to conquer. And most importantly… He respected me and gave me the affection I needed.

 

How many times have I been saved by his headpats? How many times had my heart been filled because of his praises? How many times had my belly been filled by his exceptional cooking?

 

Bit by bit… The loneliness and void in my heart were being filled by Desir’s essence.

 

And before I knew it… I was looking forward to entering his apartment every day.

 

Humans are strange, aren’t they?

 

I loathed my own apartment, the box that had deprived me of my sanity. And yet, I woke up every morning, happy as a lark to walk next door.

 

The apartments weren’t all that different. They had the same living room layout, the same kitchens, the same bedrooms, the same balconies… In fact, you could even say that they were twin apartments.

 

Yet… One of them I hated; the other I loved.

 

Slowly… I opened up my heart to the apartment next door. I became fond of it and happy just thinking about entering it. It wasn’t the decor of the place, neither was it the amenities it had.

 

The only reason why I loved this apartment… was because of Desir himself.

 

Because Desir was there, I could eat satisfying meals. Because Desir was there, I could spend my days free of isolation. Because Desir was there… I could feel the warmth of love again.

 

So, even when the government had declared a second lockdown after we began our one-month relationship… I was still happy.

 

Lockdowns were a scary thing. No one could visit you, and you couldn’t leave the house. Essentially, the country had become one giant prison. The first time I experienced it, I was scared. I was lonely. I was desolate.

 

But this time… I had Desir.

 

Since the world was locked, we could only stay in our little box.

 

I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t disappointed that we couldn’t go on dates anymore. I had many plans to make him fall for me during this one month probation period. I would bring him to the best restaurants our country had. I would take him shopping, where I would wear as many adorable outfits as I possibly could. I would engage in public displays of affection to show the world that he was my man.

 

There were so many methods that I’d thought of. Yet, it had all gone up in smoke.

 

However… There was a silver lining.

 

Desir and I stayed in our little box, all day and all night. We would exercise in the morning. Make lunch in the afternoon. Watch dramas or play games before dinner. And at night… I would hop onto my favourite bean bag with a bright smile on my face.

 

It was our daily signal. Whenever I sat on the bean bag, it would mean only one thing…

 

It was time to snuggle.

 

At the start, Desir was clumsy with his actions. He would often hug me too tight or too soft. His fingers might poke me too hard, or his stiff muscles might cause some discomfort. But as the days went by, Desir became better at it.

 

Each time he hugged me, I could feel his soft caress on my head. Each time he stroked my back, I could feel electric currents running through my veins. Each time he kissed me… I could feel the warmth of a thousand suns.

 

Every night… We would become debaucherous animals that gave in to our desires for human intimacy. Hours upon hours, we cuddled. There was even a time where we accidentally fell asleep on the lewd chair.

 

Does that count as our first night together? When I asked Desir that, his face boiled up like an octopus, and he abruptly looked away. Goodness, how is he so cute?

 

People say that love was a downhill tumble. Once you began to love someone, your feelings would only go down from there. So why… Why do I love Desir even more each day?

 

Why do I want to touch him more?

 

Why do I want to kiss him more?

 

Why… Do I love him more?

 

I was happy.

 

The days we’d spent together, the nights we cuddled together, the hours we talked…

 

They were the happiest days of my life.

 

Alas… Happiness was fleeting.

 

Nothing lasts forever.

 

“Althea… Let’s end this.”

❖❖❖

A month has passed.

 

On the first of June, exactly a month had passed since I’d started dating Althea. Time really just flew by… I didn’t even realise that June had arrived until I checked the calendar.

 

June didn’t mean anything to me. There wasn’t a national holiday, it wasn’t my birthday month, and there weren't any events that I was looking forward to. However, this year was different. This year… On the first of June… It was the end of my contractual relationship with Althea.

 

In the beginning, when I first entered this contract, I looked forward to this day. First of June meant that Althea would stop bothering me about her feelings, and we would return back to how we were once before.

 

But… How could we go back?

 

In the month that we were lovers…

 

It was the happiest month of my life since mom died.

 

I’d never known how joyous it was to embrace someone. To love someone with all my heart. The comfort that I’d felt with Althea far surpasses anything I’d felt with anyone else.

 

I looked forward to seeing her walk through that door every morning. I looked forward to our pointless and jubilant conversations. I looked forward to seeing how clumsy she was at cooking. I looked forward to watching her sit on my couch while I coded my ass off. And admittedly… I looked forward to cuddling her every night.

 

A day with Althea in it was a brighter day. A day that brought warmth to my cold and emotionless life.

 

And now, I can say this for sure…

 

I loved Althea.

 

I loved her more than anything in recent memory.

 

So, as the month came to an end… My heart became all the more conflicted.

 

Should I stay in this relationship with Althea?

 

Or should I make Althea honour her agreement with me?

 

These were the two options that weighed on my mind. Honestly, this month that I’d spent with Althea had opened my eyes. I never knew that my body could react this way to another person. I didn’t realise that my mind could become clouded with dreams about this person. And I certainly didn’t understand how my entire character could change… because of this one girl.

 

But… I knew this for a fact.

 

Love wasn’t eternal.

 

Just like my stepfathers did to my mother, Althea would one day get bored of me. Or maybe I would get bored of her? Either way, our relationship was doomed from the start.

 

Deep in my heart… I wanted to be Althea’s boyfriend.

 

I wanted to be the man she kissed every day. I wanted to be the person that she would hug when she felt sad. I wanted to be the man that gives her everything that she wants.

 

But again… I knew that love wasn’t a logical construct.

 

The only reason why I feel this way is because all humans need to bond. It was inbuilt in our DNA. They fall in love, they have intercourse, and finally, they create new humans to continue on their line. That was evolution.

 

So the feelings that I have for Althea…

 

They were nothing more than chemical reactions in my brain.

 

And what happens when the neurons stop reacting? What happens when love dies out, and we’re left in an unhappy relationship where the only option was to separate?

 

Well, I’ve seen the ending to that story.

 

They say that love was a downhill tumble. My mother was a prime example of that. She was the sweetest, most beautiful human being I’d ever known. And yet, my stepfathers fell out of love with her.

 

The desolation of that heartbreak… The pain that it caused her… The pain that it caused me…

 

I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.

 

And so…

 

“Althea… Let’s end this.”

 

“...”

 

Just like the day she confessed her feelings, the weather outside was beyond a simple storm. Water pellets rained down like bullets while the winds howled in agony. A reflection of the mood within our apartment.

 

“So… I’ve failed?”

 

Althea murmured out, her face looking down at her feet.

 

“... You didn’t make this decision easy, Althea.”

 

“But… I’ve still failed to make you waver, haven't I?”

 

“...”

 

I stayed silent. I didn’t want to see Althea cry; I didn’t want to be the cause of her heartbreak. And yet, here I was… breaking her heart.

 

“... Did this month mean anything to you?”

 

“Of course it did,” I wanted to reach out and force her into my arms. But if I did that, our relationship would never return to the way it was. “I’ll be honest, Althea. This month was one of the happiest of my life. I’ll always cherish the moments we had, even though they were all fake.”

 

“Don’t call it fake!!!” Althea screamed. “The feelings that we shared, they were all real. You were my boyfriend, and I was your girlfriend! I don’t want anyone to take that away from me, even if it’s you, Desir!”

 

“... I’m sorry. I misspoke.”

 

“Good...”

 

Althea held back her tears as she struggled to answer me.

 

With my rejection, her voice choked up, and I could hear sniffs with every passing word. “S-So, as I’d promised. I won’t bother you with my feelings anymore. I won’t ask you to go out on dates with me, and I won’t try to make you my boyfriend… I’ll… stop pestering you...”

 

“... Thanks.”

 

“B-But… C-Can I still continue to have lunch and dinner here?”

 

“Of course! My door is open for you anytime! Even if you just want to get a better internet connection.”

 

“Hehe, I’ll take your word for it!”

 

So superficial.

 

I was disgusted by my own actions. My heart was breaking in two, and yet I could put on a false smile. Truly, humans are too superficial.

 

“Before I leave… Can I ask for just one favour… As your ex-girlfriend?”

Ex-girlfriend, huh… Althea is adamant in saying that I was once hers.

 

“Sure.”

 

“Desir… I just want… one final kiss.” Althea said with resolution. “One final kiss to remember our time as a couple. Is that too much to ask?”

 

Althea pleaded with all her heart. Her eyes were fighting a lost war against her tears, and her body was already shaking like a leaf. If I were to deny her this one final request… What kind of man would I be?

 

“... No, it’s not.”

 

“Thank you...”

 

Althea stepped forward and brought me into my arms. She dragged me towards her favourite seat in the whole apartment and pushed me straight down.

 

We had done this many times before throughout the past month, so I knew what was coming. To support her weight, I brought both my arms together and gave her a warm embrace. And now that we were comfortable, Althea brought her face down to mine and forced her serpentine tongue into my mouth.

 

Our salivas meshed together like two slugs coiled around each other. Her grip on my neck tightened, and she guided my mouth to suit her liking. Althea cared nought for air as she continued to tenderly suck on my lips.

 

Althea’s intention was clear. If this was going to be our last kiss, she’s going to make it last.

 

Even without words, even without seeing her face… All of her feelings were conveyed in that one kiss.

 

She didn’t want to let me go.

 

She didn’t want our relationship to end.

 

She wanted… to make me her man.

 

But alas… I wasn’t able to answer her feelings.

 

God knows how long we’d kissed. Althea didn’t want to let go, and well… neither did I. However, eventually...

 

“Thank you, Desir… Thank you for the happy memories...”

 

“...”

 

“I… Good night...”

 

Althea swallowed her words. After being together with her for so long, I could tell… Althea wanted to pour her heart out. However, it was just too painful for both of us. In the end, she left my apartment with sluggish feet.

 

I watched the girl’s back, filled with desolation and anguish.

 

Watching that… my chest began to feel an agony it never felt before. My eyes were watering, and my body refused to stand on two feet. How long has it been since I've cried? How long has it been since I’d felt this pain?

 

By the gods… It hurts...

 

Ah… So this is what heartbreak feels like.

 

Am I… really doing the right thing?

 

No, I’m doing what’s right! If I dragged on our relationship, the pain would only multiply itself when we eventually break up. That’s what happened to mom, remember?!

 

This is the right choice, Desir! This is the right choice!

 

Just give it some time… It’s just a passing emotion! It will heal itself!

 

It will heal itself…

 

It will…

 

Heal.