There is only one thing I remembered from that party, from that fundraising event mom back then taken me to.

The Expectations of Adults.

A shitty, foul, disgusting, self-centred, egotistical, FUCKIN LIFE RUINING…. Moment for me.

I hate every moment, every hour when I was there being subjected to… a rollercoaster of to hopes, to predictions, to expectations that I would became like my mother, my father, uncle Luther.

 

But thank god I know soon enough to not hate my parents, my elders, Because they never subject me to what they think would be good for me.

And I love them for that, knowing that what’s best for me is what I know.

But, but… god… I wish mom didn’t brought me to that fundraising event or even to other socialite events… because… even though all of the shit that those adults spew are bullshits that crippled my self-esteem, I know… god…

GOD!

I know, some were true.

 

I am inadequate, just a piece of something that came from great and wonderful people. All of them done things in the age where they would be called a prodigy with their achievements, and I can’t help but to feel pressured, to do more than them.

And I did it all to compensate this shattered self-esteem and inflate this ego I have.

I’m disgusted at myself sometimes, knowing I do this to make myself feel better, not for a more selfless reason.

I hate it…

But I won’t accept it, I still do this to prove them wrong, to prove those adults who didn’t think before they hope wrong.

 

Though… currently I feel like they are right for now, due to how I can’t even be there for my friends, my two best friends…

The fact that I didn’t help Martyn and Eleanna patch things up, proves… that they are right.

Just a carbon copy of someone greater.

 

* * *

 

It was… 8? 9? I don’t care, I don’t even care that the sun’s rays were heating one side of my face to wake up.

I don’t see the point anymore of waking up and do the daily stuff Martyn has set me up for. I mean he hasn’t come here and drag me out of bed to the Académie, or even to breakfast, heck… he hasn’t even tried talking to me…

And I guess that’s fine… he has every right to hate me for not being there when he needed me the most, I too hate myself, knowing that I promise him the one thing I could’ve, no, can do.

But here I am, left to rot in my own personal room, in a castle that’s always busy from day to night due to Martyn’s work ethic.

 

Knock, Knock…

 

A gentle knock suddenly came while I was still wasting away on my bed. I ignored it of course, didn’t even try to get up or even to say anything towards the person behind the door.

But that said person who knocked didn’t care, they kept knocking and knocking, kept doing the same thing to the point it annoys me to get up and say a piece of my mind to them.

 

“Wha-” As the door I pull revealed who it was, I held my tongue. “What do you want? Miss Marie…” I said with a vexed but slightly restrained tone.

“…” She was silent, only giving me a concern and slightly shocked look, same like Roison, who were scared shitless of my hangover appearances, as she was slowly crawling her way to Miss Marie’s skirt.

“Why… have you stopped going to Académie, Lord Svard?” The Princess, Amadela, wore a different face, a confused face people use towards a person that they thought they knew.

 

She was rightful to be confused at my shabby looks, messy hair, unfiltered and messy appearance and mind I’m currently wearing. But the Princess was as concern as Miss Marie only difference is, she didn’t knew me for 5 years.

 

“Arthur…” Miss Marie wanted to say something, but her disbelieve and the thoughts that are still processing in her head, couldn’t gave it.

“I quit! There’s your answer, I don’t see the point of it anymore, so goodbye and leave me to rot here.” I was annoyed at her disbelief, tired of standing in front of them, so I ended it as I gave them the answer and close back the door.

“Wati! Lord Svard!” The Princess open back the door and grabbed my shoulder in a quick manner. “Can you exactly tell us what happen?”

 

I then stared at her hand with a vexed look she has never seen from me, she looked at my face of course, saw the wrong move she made and corrected it by pulling back.

 

“Nothing happened.” I was embarrassed to tell.

“Lord Protector said you have a…. fight…” Roison suddenly spoke up and informed them of my embarrassment.

“How did you know that!”

“I’m, I’m… sorry…” The tone of my voice scared her… shit…. “I was just… curious on why your aura felt dark… and I asked the Lord Protector, and he told me everything, and Lady Eleanna told me everything too, and I said to Lady Marie and brought Her Royal Highness here so they can check you up, and I… I… am sorry… it’s insolent of me… to think that way!” She was about to cry, goddamn it….

“Hey, hey!” I realized quickly what my tone was about to do to her feelings as I went down and try to calm her down. “Roison it’s okay! I’m not mad and It’s my fault! I shouldn’t have use that tone to you…” I lowered myself more to her height so she wouldn’t be threaten by my size.

“No… I should’ve known from your aura that you’re not in the right mind… I’m sorry Lord Svard…” She… lowered herself as well to the height I was on.

 

I… stopped talking, I know if I let my mouth run more she’ll try to discredit herself more, but also… it didn’t felt right to know she’s taking responsibility of the wrong, even though it was me.

 

“Roison!” I made her stand straight and taller than me. “You were concerned for me and I shouldn’t have yelled at you. you should be proud Roison! So… thank you for bringing them here for me!”

“I….”

“Take the compliment sweety! You won’t get it much from him you know.” Miss Marie said as she caressed her head gently.

“Mmm….” She was taken a back, not wanting to take the victory, but… “Your welcome… Lord Svard!” With a tender smile and a euphoric mind filled with success, she said it to me.

 

I took out a huge sigh of relief and drop myself back to the front of the bed frame. Thinking… relief that I didn’t trigger any trauma this 7 year old has. But also… thinking, no, glad that someone is actually concern of my absence.

 

“So… what plan exactly do you have for me Roison?” I said with a smile.

“Now that…. Ehh… well…” Huh… well the thought still counts.

“Well one thing for sure, get up Art!” She said as she pulled me up. “Now, let’s get some fresh air for your nose and sunlight to your skin!”

“Ughh…. The outside?”

“Arthur Oisin Svard, you get up right now and feel the outdoors or so help me, I will tell every sexual exploit your mother has done in college!”

“Aight! We going to the main garden or?” I got up and went to the door as I was scared shitless for my sanity.

“Good boy!”

 

* * *

 

The sun… was blasting its damn heat to my face, hair, hands, and every part that isn’t covered by my clothes. Is it refreshing? Ehh… kinda of, it is nice to smell something else than my sweat all day, but… I couldn’t hold the risen pose I had in the bench.

And due to that, I went back again to the slumped and down position I previously held in the bed.

Miss Marie and the Princess more or less was disappointed at the regression I made for myself. But Roison was cutely determined to bring me back up, as she more less picked a couple of flowers and brought it to me.

 

“For me?” I gave her a smile while laying on the bench.

“Yes! But… ehh… you first need to get up…” She said shyly.

“But I’m tired… can you just give me one?” I lazily tried to persuade her.

“But, but…” she was a bit panicky, looking left and right, especially to Miss Marie.

“It’s your intention to cheer him up hon! So do everything you can think off to bring that lazy bum off!” Miss Marie said.

“Ehh…” Still a bit shy and don’t really know what to do, she nervously thinks of what to do, but suddenly.

 

Plop…

 

She laid the pile of flowers in her hand towards my face.

 

“Hahahaha” Miss Marie in the distance laughed beside the Princess.

“Roison?” Confused beyond any means, I asked her.

“I thought maybe… if you sleep with roses on top of your face, you might… want to get up…?” Anxiety is not cute by all means, but… her tiny fidgety movements was so adorable.

“Huhh….” I took out a sigh and got up. “I’m up!” I said with a smile as I unconsciously pat her in the head.

“Ehh…” Roison was surprised.

“Ohh!!” And I was surprised too that my hand was patting her head. “Sorr-”

“No!” While I was about to pull my hand back, she stopped it and kept my hand on her head. “It’s… okay! It feels nice… especially with your aura being… slightly more brighter than usual now.”

“Huh…” I don’t quite know if she meant it literally, but it’s nice to hear.

 

After some nice head patting session, reminding me a bit of how I usually give head pats to Morganna. Roison left and went with Miss Marie to play and learn in this huge beautiful garden.

And of course the daughter of the owner of this said garden is right beside me, sitting on the bench and enjoying the wonderful smile Roison has from a far.

 

“It’s always nice seeing kids smile like that.” The Princess commented.

“Yeah, my sister’s smile always reminds me of that back home too.”

“Ohh! You have a sister Lord Svard?”

“Yeah, twice younger than me and twice the gremlin nature she has, hahaha…”

“Hahaha, yes… I remembered too how handful Kristof was when he was still 10…” she chuckled slightly. “But I love him, even if he only has my father’s blood, I still love my little brother.”

“Huh…” I was somewhat surprised.

“It’s surprising isn’t it?” She knew what my ‘huh’ meant.

“Well…”

“it’s fine Lord Svard, contemporarily of course I should be plotting my usurpation against my little brother, being cheated out of the throne and other crap!”

“Your highness… didn’t knew you have that kind of tongue.”

“Well you get a thing or two from travelling, hahaha.” She chuckled.

“But yeah…  I should have been like one of those vengeful and spiteful half siblings I always hear on my bedtime stories, but… well… I love my little brother! And I knew he’s going to be a great king one day, especially having a safety net with a person like the Lord Protector.”

“Ahh Martyn… he’s a great safety net, but the man himself is full reckless moves… haha…”

“So far into his reign… yes! Haha….” She laughs with me. “Hmm… so can you exactly tell me what’s tearing you apart with the Lord Protector? And Lady Florens too while at that!”

“It’s…” I was embarrassed, there’s no way around it, I was just… embarrassed to say I fail as a friend, as someone who wasn’t there for a person who needed me the most.

“I see… it’s okay! I know when it’s too personal! But I do have an answer with this.” She paused for a moment. “Your absence from the Académie is nearly a week Lord Svard, it would be great to inform the faculty on why one of the second heroes has stopped coming to their Academy!”

“That… I can answer.” With a huge sigh, I then answered her. “I don’t see the point of it anymore.”

“Pardon?”

“I don’t see the point your Highness, in the first place I came there was to form an opinion of your world, which I did, to unlock Aronlight.”

“And… it still is locked.”

“Yeah… it’s probably something else, Ioctoria might have been right about a part of me that I’m not true to myself, but I don’t care, even if I do discover and remedy it… I can’t see her face to face anymore after what I did to her….”

“…” The Princess was silent, though more of a silent curiosity. “What exactly did you do Lord Svard?”

“I yelled at her, almost let out horrible sayings towards her, but nonetheless… I hurt her….”

“Well… believe me on this Lord Svard, but a few harsh words doesn’t count as something hurtful to us ladies here, especially if she’s from a family of great fada warriors!”

“Doesn’t matter, the fact is, I said that to her… said those horrible things… even though I love her…”

“Really?” Miss Marie suddenly came. “You’re over Caitlin?”

“Maybe, No, I don’t know! I just know… I fucked up… I…”

 

Fucked up.

I realized from the wallowing and self-pity I’ve been doing to myself for 5 days now of being a bad friend, how… I fucked up my chance with a wonderful woman…

I pushed her away, I said things I shouldn’t have, I… lost my ticket out of this nightmare Caitlin made for me…

I…

 

I rose up, left them and went straight back to my room.

I don’t want to wake up anymore, I just want to sleep, I want to forget about the world, I want to… be alone.

 

* * *

 

It feels like yesterday, the coldness, the windiness, the… wait, no… this isn’t yesterday, this is today, a new day, a new… way to fuck things up…

I huddled back up to my bed, covering myself with the bedsheets from the heavy downpour the weather is spewing. It was sudden, cause last I remember the weather was as bright as any other day.

But today is today, a new day that I won’t know what will happen, a day that is better to be left alone than being fucked up.

And I was about to, being in bed and all, but… well… someone knocked my door.

 

I got up, expecting it would be Miss Marie, the Princess, and Roison, I went over to the door about to just say no for today.

But as I opened the door, it wasn’t them… it was… Theo, de Maignory, Jill, and… Ioctoria.

I stood still, froze even, couldn’t move, couldn’t speak anything cause of the shock. I was honestly more surprised than confused that they came to me, but… the answer still remains.

 

“Arthur…. what happen to you?” Ioctoria, from her fully concerned tone, reached out to me, touching my face and letting me feel the warmth of her soft and tender skin…

“I-”

“It’s okay Arthur! You don’t need to answer right now! What’s important is-”

“My well being….” I was spooked, I heard that line and spooked because when I was at my lowest… Caitlin said exactly the same thing to me.

 

I snapped and instantly move back from Ioctoria and shutting the door back. I created a wall, a barrier to keep me away from what I saw… Caitlin…

 

“Arthur c’mon!” Theo yelled as he knocked the door quite hard.

“Leave me alone…” I said in whispers.

“What?”

“LEAVE ME ALONE!!” I yelled… “Leave me alone… please…” I said in whispers back again.

“Arthur….” Ioctoria from the muffled sound I hear, was more concerned now as she calls out my name.

“Arthur c’mon… please come out…” Theo begged me this time.

“No… no… I don’t want to see this day, I want it to be over….” I cried out.

““…”” Everyone was silent when they heard this, not knowing what to respond, but…

“And why is that Art?” Jill responded.

“I just… I…”

“Lay down and breathe Art, lay down and breathe!” I heeded her direction and did exactly what she said. “Now why don’t you want to see the day?”

“I…. I’m a shamed of it, I fucked up a lot of things to the point of no return or even repair… I wasn’t there when Martyn needed me the most, I wasn’t there when Eleanna needed me the most, I yelled at a sweet little girl with crippling anxiety and shyness, and I… pushed away the woman I love.”

“But isn’t that the past Arthur?”

“Yeah I know… but… it’s repercussion is today and the next, and the next, and the next, and the…. next…”

“You’re right, the ripple is today and tomorrow and on, you can’t erase it, mend it, or forget about it.”

“I know that.”

“But you can be better for the next Arthur.” And as I heard this, my fuse blew up

“AND I KNOW THAT TOO DAMN IT! I KNOW I CAN BE BETTER, BUT EVERYTHING REQUIRES AN ACTUAL FINESSE AND DAMN PROPER ADEQUACY WHICH… I don’t have…”

“Why would you think like that?” Ioctoria was baffled at my statement. “You have it Arthur!”

“HAHA… NO! I… don’t have it. I’m just a middle child that’s a carbon copy of two great people.”

“No, you’re not!”

“Yes I’m!”

“NO, you are not!’

“YES, I FUCKIN AM DAM-”

“NO, YOU AREN’T ARTHUR!!!” As Ioctoria yelled on top of her lung towards me, she broke open the door and came in. “You are not!

You’re the most self-made, adequate, competent, and skillful human I know!

You’re not some carbon copy of someone, you are you, Arthur! You’ve made a name for yourself that everyone here will know!

You are far than any actual incompetent, narcissistic, self-centred, bastards I have known for all of my life!”

“But is that enough? Will that truly be enough?! I could’ve been there with Martyn and Eleanna, helping them, but I was caught up by my own ego, my own self-centredness of getting a legacy that might not even fulfil me…”

“You…” Ioctoria stopped from a moment, she shared a look with Jill beside her, as if she was trying to deny something from her, but fail. “You are wonderful with the state you are in now Arthur, you are not a failure, you are human, mortal, there’s nothing you can change about that, as you are perfect… the way you are.”

“…” I honestly want to laugh, ‘perfect the way you are’ yeah right… but… I was so glad to hear that, something inside me felt eased.

“Now get up you Overcompensating Knight! The Académie is waiting for you to finish what you started.”

“Yeah, yeah… alright!” I smiled slightly, feeling blessed to have people like them to pick me up.