“Is this what you were doing?! I never imagined... get dressed. My God, get dressed," she says and turns her back on us.

I don't have the energy to cry. We hide our bodies clumsily.

After a thousand years where agony and uncertainty consume us, the headmistress turns around, looks at us at last. She burns us.

“I was not wrong about you two,” she looks at me and Raquel.

Raquel ducks her head, avoids that look. I can't see her face, her hair obscures it, but I see the tears falling like a river.

No, Raquel...

But I return my gaze to the headmistress, still facing her. This was going to happen sooner or later. I knew it, deep down I knew it. I just... I don't want others to pay for what I caused.

“And you, Ismael,” says the woman. The boy begins to cry. He cries bitterly like that time in the pharmacy.

“After all we have done, all our work, all our prayers, you have fallen.”

That's enough!

He cries more and more, like a child.

I want to give him a hug. I want to take Raquel and Ismael and comfort them. Tell them it's all right. They don't deserve this, they don't deserve this…

“Stay in place!” The nun stops me.

Damn her!

“Ah, you two. I knew you were going to be trouble the moment I saw you two coming hand in hand. And the worst part is that you really were brother and sister.”

Raquel and Ismael raise their heads, looking at us with big, tear-filled eyes.

“No! We don't share blood, we didn't grow up together!” David shouts at the top of his lungs. His face confronts our friends. I can see some relief on their features, amidst all the jumble of emotions.

“That's no excuse,” declares the headmistress.

“You took advantage of your sister, you sinned greatly.”

David freezes.

“You slept with her. You took away her innocence.”

Lies.

David just closes his eyes. Don't you dare agree with her, don't you dare.

“And you, do you have anything to say in your defense?” She looks at me.

“Why don't you go to fuck yourself?”

Time stops, the wind that was moving the leaves of the trees just stops for a moment at the sound of my voice.

What a beautiful place this is, where the noise of the cars is barely audible, where the lights of the city do not reach.

I don't know who is more surprised, Raquel, Ismael, David, the headmistress or myself.

“E-Excuse me?” the headmistress exclaims.

“I said, «Go fuck yourself», you frigid old hag.”

Ah, I've never said a swear word in my life. It feels... quite liberating, to tell you the truth. I can understand the charm of it.

There's no doubt about it now, everyone's heard right. I hear a laugh from Ismael. It's good to interrupt his crying. David looks at me reddened, he can't believe it. Raquel's eyes go from the headmistress to me and back to the headmistress, a smile she can't help forms on her face.

“How dare you!” the nun claims to me, enraged.

“How dare YOU speak to my friends like that? With what right? With what authority? With that of a miserable nun in a dying temple? This place would have collapsed if it weren't for your efforts. I can only wonder why, why become so attached to these ruins? Don't lie to me and tell me it's because of God, because I won't believe you. Let them go, let them fall, before they fall on top of you! This temple is going to pass away, it is going to disappear into history, forgotten. Are you going to accompany it in that oblivion?”

The voice does not speak, these words are mine.

“I have more faith in them, in what we have. This does not collapse as easily as a church, I will not allow you to disrespect them.” I point to my friends, to my loves. I begin to cry. I raise my voice even higher. I bet they can hear me from the temple even.

“You should have seen them, their faces, their bodies, while we were making love. Wouldn't you like to join us in that joy, Sharon? Wouldn't you like to join us? Maybe then you'll get over your bad mood?”

My lovers look at me with shame, but nothing will stop me.

The headmistress says nothing. She wipes all expression from her face.

“It was I who seduced them, it was I who brought them to this place, who undressed them, kissed them, licked them, it was I who made love to them and led them astray. And I could not be prouder.”

My sentence leaves the forest, the whole world, mute. David is the one who reacts, he knows what I'm trying to do.

Then the headmistress advances towards me. Her face hidden by the sun. Her firm steps. It's really like being in the path of a train that sweeps away everything. I brace myself to take the blow.

But what I get...

“I was once like you, little one.”

Why does the world get darker all of a sudden?

“Seeking pleasure in the flesh, in lust. I thought I was obtaining happiness, that I didn't need anything else.”

Why is it suddenly so cold out here?

“But the temple always calls, God always calls, and when He does, you can't refuse.”

I just get those sweet words, so sincere, so honest. They are the words I needed, the words I wanted to hear.

No.

“I understand, your pain, your anger. It is difficult to detach yourself from the world, from its pleasures. From friends, from loves. Even from a mother. But there is still hope.”

Don't listen to her!

That's it.

“God is a consuming fire, but also a God of love. Never forget that, Sharon. God is not about punishment, child, He is about forgiveness. If there is repentance, if you really want to serve Him, you will always be able to do so. He will always accept you in His immense mercy. To all… to all of you.”

“Don't listen to her!” comes out of my throat. My friends look at me strangely. No, don't look at me like that, please! I cover my ears, avert my eyes. I don't want to see, to hear. I don't want anything.

“You're possessed, Sharon. This is the work of the Enemy. He entered your body in a moment of great weakness. It happens to all of us, but we can rebuke him.”

That' s it. It's not my fault. None of this is my fault. I knew it. I always said so. It was that voice. It was a demon. It's not David's fault, it's not Ismael's fault, it's not Raquel's fault. It's not my fault. It was a demon, I should have known.

It's a demon.

You're wrong, Sharon.

“Silence, demon! It was you!” I cover my ears with my hands, I squeeze so hard my head hurts.

Please realize, please understand.

The headmistress embraces me. Her body has the warmth of a mother. All this time, my answer was here. If I had talked to her properly, everything would have been solved. I wouldn't have done what I did to David, I wouldn't have forced Ismael to commit heinous acts with my stepbrother. I would not have defiled Raquel.

I cry, all my sorrows go away. All my worries too.

“I don't have the authority to exorcise you, but I can call a priest in the city. This is an emergency, he will come right away. What I can do is take you to the temple. But I have to talk to your families.”

I see Ismael open his eyes wider than ever. Despair falls on our paradise. But... it's going to be for the best.

“Don't worry, I'm sure they will understand. Just... let's go to the temple, let's pray there, we will get answers there. You're going to be fine. You're all going to be fine. But we have to exorcise you, Sharon.”

“No!”—Ismael finally says—"Those exorcisms...”

He looks at me with concern, with anguish. Why? They are for my own good. After this everything will be all right. Everything.

Right?

“They are painful, for the body, I know. When the Devil possesses you, he plants his roots deep inside you. When they come out, they are like the nails of a scourge that rip the flesh, tear it apart. They are painful to the spirit, I know, when they leave, they create an emptiness that no one but God can fill. It is a long process, but the reward is great,” says the headmistress.

“It's not too late for you either, Ismael,” she then adds.

It is true. She speaks the truth. It's painful, but the reward is…

“I can't believe you,”—says Raquel— “Your words are not sincere.”

But...

“Don't listen to the person, my child,” —answers the woman— “the person is fallible, the flesh is defectible. Aim higher, look at the One who presides over us. Search His word. You don't have to listen to me. I am an imperfect servant, prone to anger, to punish unjustly, you have seen it, everyone has seen it, and I hope you can forgive me for it”.

It is true. God says we should have our eyes fixed on Him, not on our brothers and sisters. We all fail, we are all imperfect…

“I don't want them to take my... Sharon,” David says, finally breaking down.

He has always cried easily. So far, he's held on, but finally... I don't want to see you like this. You don't deserve to suffer for someone like me. If you could forget me...

“No one can take her away. If she chose this life, if God has arranged this path for her, no one can take her away. She will always come back,” says the headmistress.

This cannot be. There is a contradiction there.

Please understand. For God's sake, understand.

Can I really... after everything I've done?

You stupid bitch, realize it for once!

“Shut your mouth for once, you devil!”

I fall on the grass, writhing. The headmistress and my friends rush towards me. My eardrums are going to explode, my heart is going to stop, my vision is going to lose color.

I look at the sky in this eye of the forest. An ellipse where the sun bathes us, where the contours are given by the leaves of the trees.

“I don't want to leave, I don't want to disappear in the temple, in that forest where the trees are made of marble and its leaves are made of concrete. I want to see the sky, not dream about it. I want to feel the grass, not look at it behind bars. I want to feel someone else's warmth, not deny it behind a useless vow. I want to be happy.”

“It's all right, my child,” says the headmistress. She helps me to stand up. There is peace in my soul. Yes, there is peace in my soul. I lean on her. She is my support.

Right?

She leads me to the church. The forest is endless. David, Ismael and Raquel follow me behind. They are not happy... they don't understand. They don't understand, like my classmates didn't understand. It's hard to detach yourself from the world. It is, really.

«Ever since», David's voice echoes in my mind.

I...

We walk through the doors of the temple. Once I get to the altar, it's all going to be over. Once I bend my knees I'll receive confirmation, the demon will be gone, I'm sure.

«I'm just tired. Tired of exorcisms, of hand positions, of humiliating confessions», Ismael's voice becomes an echo that repeats over and over again.

I walk through the church, along the seating path, has it always been so narrow?

«I am free, Sharon. I am free. Thank you» Raquel’s voice.

I'm going to have to say goodbye to them. That's what it means to leave the world.

We arrive.

“Let's pray,” says the headmistress.

Okay.  I just have to bend my knees. And it's all going to be over. All this tribulation, all this trial of faith. God is great, in His immense mercy He forgives all sin. If there is true repentance we can be forgiven. All of us.

And it will all come to an end, the voices, the faces, the pretty words. The confessions, the secrets, the looks, the affection, the love... All of it.

It's all going to end.

 

 

Has the temple always been so small?

 

 

I can't. I can't

 

I can’t

 

I run.

 

“Sharon! Sharon, no!”

I run away from the headmistress, past my lovers, who can't stop me, who don't want to stop me.

These walls, which used to protect me, no longer make me feel safe. This immense temple feels small, its color more and more monotonous, its smell more and more nauseating, its walls more and more hermetic, its roof more and more oppressive.

 

I want to see the sky.

 

I run, the seats cross my path, bury themselves in my sides; the cracks in the floor get bigger, they want to swallow my feet, break my legs; the doors slam shut and impact my face, break my nose, but I can open them, go through them.

 

I want to feel the grass.

 

Once this place was my refuge. It can no longer be.

Once praying was my solace. Now my mouth is mute.

Once it was my longing to serve God. Now I know I cannot.

 

I want to feel the warmth of other bodies.