Unfortunately for Mara, Pickle Dog was, in fact, not open at seven in the morning. It was only a tiny heartbreak, one that was easily mended with the promise that we’d come back out later for food. After the night we’d had, all of us except maybe Marcus were totally and completely wiped. Even making it up to Connie and Marcus’ apartment turned out to be an ordeal all by itself since their elevator never seemed to stay operational for any two consecutive days. Seven floors of walking seemed like a nightmare, but it hit Connie the hardest. I stopped with her every couple of floors so she could rest and regain her energy, even as she told me to go on. To think she called me stubborn.

Connie and Marcus’ place was kind of a second home for me at this point. I had my own key, I slept there with them multiple times a week, and oh my god I was dating them. How was I supposed to know? It wasn’t like we’d talked it out formally or anything! I froze there with my key in the lock, the unholy knowledge that I was entangled in one way or another with three different people finally sinking in.

“Give her a sec,” Marcus commented. “She’s having some kind of realization.”

‘“Holly moment,” Mara snickered.

Mara’s teasing was enough to get me to finally turn the key and push the door open for everybody. I was flustered. Folks really didn’t understand what a mind-fuck it was untangling an entire world view after indoctrination. Nothing in the world had been what it seemed, what I was taught it would be. I based my actions on false information, on the words of people who it was now readily apparent hadn’t ever really cared about me. As I watched each of my loved ones pass me into the comfort and safety of the apartment, I felt at once supremely lucky and weirdly sad.

Mourning; that’s what it was. I was mourning a life I never got to have, I guess. What I was feeling was akin to homesickness for a place that never really existed. The world I grew up in was false, built with paper-thin walls that only functioned because I was convinced I could never cross them. Having seen how weird and beautiful the world outside my bubble had always been, the knowledge that I’d held myself back from participating in it for so long made me ache.

The feelings would pass; they always did. I was tired, and my brain was mean. There was no changing the past. Sometimes people and places never really become who or what you always hope they’ll be. I only had control of myself, and for once in my life myself was a person I loved very, very much. I brushed my finger behind my now long and pointed ear. Changing the past was impossible, but so was predicting the future. My new life was full of amazing people and brimming with potential.

I walked in the apartment, closing the door behind me.

Sunlight drifted through the blinds, blanketing Marcus’ innumerable houseplants in a warm, yellow glow. The place looked lived-in in a way that always made me smile. Connie’s jacket was thrown carelessly over the couch right next to the pile of whatever couple of books she was currently cycling through. The sink was lovingly filled full of dishes from whatever Marcus’ last culinary escapade was. Everywhere I looked it was either memories or reminders of the people I adored who called this place their home.

“I’m taking the bed!” Connie pulled her shirt over her head and tossed it behind her, hitting me in the face. “Join me or don’t, I do not care. I need sleep.” I yanked the tank top off my face, sputtering as I did.

“I’m always a slut for nap time.” Marcus snagged a blanket from the couch and kicked his shoes off right outside the hallway entrance. “You two coming?”

“To the… bed with you?” Mara glanced at Marcus, and then back to me. Connie and Marcus had a California king sized bed, and I’d slept in it more times than I could count. Connie was right about one thing; as much as I could help it, I was done lying to myself. After a night like last one, all I wanted to do was be around the people who loved me.

“You want to?” I took Mara’s hand, gently tugging her towards the hallway.

“They don’t know me, Crys.” Mara looked down at me hesitantly, her tail flicking anxiously behind her.

“It’s no biggie,” Marcus shrugged. “You’re Crystal’s now, which means you’re one of ours. If Connie cared, she wouldn’t have offered.” Marcus had this way of speaking like nothing could ever get under his skin. I knew it wasn’t true; it couldn’t be. Nobody was that untouchable. Still, there was no getting around how comforting or reassuring he could be when he wanted to be. In moments like these, it was easy to see why people fell for him.

It was me. I was people.

Mara chewed on her claw pensively. “If you guys are sure…”

“We are.” Marcus took a second to kill the blinds in the living room before making his way towards the bedroom. “Let’s get some shut-eye. Seems like you gals had a big night.”

“That’s one way to put it.” I wrapped my tail around Mara’s and flashed her a grin. “You wanna pass out?”

“I dunno, baby.” Mara giggled as she followed Marcus and I down the hallway. “Sleeping on a pile of stuffed animals has probably fucked my ability to enjoy sleeping on a normal bed ever again.”

***

There was no properly expressing how good I felt falling asleep in a pile of the people I cared about most. I slept better than I had in ages, keeping contact with each of them in one way or another. I never did well with sleeping alone; it was why I crashed at Connie and Marcus’ place as much as I could without it feeling weird for them. Being able to reach out and touch someone and know they were near me put my brain at ease in a way I struggled to otherwise.

By the time I woke up, the sun was already setting. It figured; I had spent who knows how long in a liminal space where the concept of time didn’t really exist. My sleep schedule was bound to be fucked up for a while. As my senses slowly returned to me, I found myself totally sprawled out across the length of the bed. Fantastic. More than that, my pillow turned out to be less of a pillow and more Marcus’ chest.

I was on Marcus’ chest. His arm was around me. Mara and Constance were nowhere to be found, and I fell asleep on Marcus’ chest. Was I drooling? Oh god, I hoped I hadn’t been drooling. I thought for a moment about faking being asleep, if only to prolong the moment that I was being oh so normal about. Another part shouted at me to apologize.

“Welcome back to the world of the living.” Oh cool, Marcus was awake.

“Ah, shit- sorry.” I groggily began to push my new body up from its unfortunately very comfortable position.

“You don’t have to move, you know.” Marcus pressed his palm softly into the small of my back, guiding my body back into position on his chest. It wasn’t like I was about to fight him.

“You’re… cool with this?” Reluctantly, I reached my arm back over Marcus’ body.

“Holly, you and I cuddle all the time.”

“Yeah, but…”

“We’ve cuddled in this bed.”

“I know, but like…” I bit my lip. What was I even trying to say? Everything Marcus was doing was reassuring me he wanted me here. Surely I was past torturing myself over wondering if I was actually welcome. “Where are the others?”

“They got hungry.” Marcus began to lightly pet my head, running his finger-tips down my scalp. Mean. “Connie made good on taking your girl to Pickle Dog. They’ll be back in a bit.” I let my eyelids drift close, leaning into the sensation of Marcus’ hands.

“Constance left us alone on purpose, didn’t she?” My tail twisted itself up in the sheets.

“She’s not very subtle, huh?” Marcus laughed under his breath. So this was Connie’s way of getting us to talk to each other. I huffed.

“I dunno. She scared the shit out of me in the gymnasium when she managed to find- me!”  I shook as I felt something run across one of my horns. A tingling sensation rippled through me that turned my limbs to gelatin. I could hear Marcus laughing.

“Damn, you too, huh? Adorable.” Marcus ran his fingers back over my horn, and I grabbed onto him for dear life. “This is Connie’s favorite. I had a hunch.”

“You’re so- mean, oh my god.” Fucking witchcraft. Every time he touched me, it was like fireworks went off across my skin. My tail twitched uncontrollably, and I forced it around Marcus’ leg to keep it still. “This is…”

“You want me to stop?” Marcus pulled back his hand long enough for me to catch my breath. I couldn’t see his face, but I knew he looked smug as all hell.

“No. Fuck you, it’s incredible,” I pouted. “I want like five more hours of this, but we should… you know…”

“We should what? Use your words.” Oh, the tone in his voice.

“That’s it, I’m getting out of this bed.” I pushed myself up for the second time, only to have Marcus hand catch me again. I groaned in frustration. Why were we both so bad at this?

“Marcus, are we dating?” There, point blank. One of us had to do it.

“Well, I mean… I mean…” Okay, that one got him to sit up and look at me. I shifted in place and sat up next to him. “For me, it’s felt that way for a long time.”

“Is that like… a conversation we had?” I racked my brain, searching for the moment I’d missed getting into a relationship with the boy I’d kind of sort of had the hots for forever.

“Hey, I tried to ask you out for real,” Marcus glanced away, running his hand through his hair. “But every time we went out and did anything, you’d always talk about how lucky you were to have friends like us, or what good friends we were.”

I felt my face grow hot. “Oh.”

“Eventually, Connie and I figured you were just sort of reassuring yourself. Thought it might have been some religious thing you were working through.” Marcus leaned in closer to me. “You let me be affectionate with you, and you stayed over here a lot, so I was fine waiting on you. Plus, you know, there was the whole…” He held his fingers to his mouth, searching for the words.

“...Me figuring out the girl stuff?”

“Yeah.”

I reached over and pulled Marcus’s arm around me. “I wish you’d just talked to me. Connie told me you’re like me.”

“I’m sorry for that, for what it’s worth.” I felt Marcus tighten his arm around me, and I nestled into his touch. “I think I probably fucked up. I had people try to tell me before I was ready, and never really clicked until I figured it out for myself. I wanted to make sure you had the space I wanted when I was sorting through my shit.” His voice grew soft, almost reluctant. “I should’ve considered there was a chance you didn’t even know trans folks existed.”

It felt good to at least have him acknowledge it. Maybe I wouldn’t have accepted it. I could’ve freaked out, closed myself off from them. I was raised a Crier, after all; we were to be in the world, not of it. Fraternizing with the people of the flesh would’ve already put me in dangerous territory if I cared what those people thought about me any more. Even so, it should’ve been my choice. I sighed. I couldn’t be mad at Marcus. He and Connie were the reason I had love and support in my life outside of my indoctrination. They weren’t perfect, but they loved me.

I leaned into Marcus. “Turns out the church is maybe not the best place to learn…”

“Queer stuff?”

“...Anything they don’t want you to, really.” I giggled. “Fuck them.”

“Fuck ‘em, Chrissy.” Without warning, I felt the soft sensation of Marcus lips on my forehead. Suddenly, I was too hot for that comforter. I pulled the blanket back, exposing myself to the air of the bedroom.

“So… do you… would you wanna…”

“Go out for real?” There was that stupid smile of his. God, he was such a predictable jerk.

I couldn’t not kiss him.