"I believe it's time we say our greetings to the Bandit King of the Sacre Pla Nation. Wouldn't you agree, Mare?"

"It's never a time to greet a Bandit King. They're not the kind of people you casually walk up to and say hi to."

"Hi, Speedy."

"Hello, Madeleine."

"I casually walked up to a Bandit King and said hi to them."

"I don't count. I'm not even sure of my Bandit King status since they all think I'm dead, and they haven't bothered announcing a replacement."

"I don't even know what a Bandit King is."

Speedy sighed in annoyance. Ah, what a nostalgic reaction. It's been a while since someone has been annoyed with me. I should hang out with Speedy more.

"You explain it, Meri."

"Ho ho, no more pretending to be mine subordinate, ey?"

"You've ousted our relationship."

"I kind of liked be-"

"I don't like hearing the conversations couples should have in private."

The two of them looked at me. "That's awfully blunt of you, Madeleine."

"I like being blunt and honest. I also like lying."

"You suck at lying."

"Yes, yes I do. Anyways, why is Speedy here instead of Mel?"

"Can I not invite my wi-"

"Yes, you cannot."

"Oh."

Speedy chuckled a little, seeing Merida get shut down so quickly. "Very well then, I will go over the target I wish for Madeleine to seek."

"Assassination! Assassination!"

"Woah, when did we start assassinating people?"

"Never, Madeleine here just likes to jest about such things. Worry not. She seems incapable of killing."

"I've seen her fight. She seems very capable of murder."

"Trust me, dear. She very much cannot kill."

"Whatever you say." Speedy looked at me.

"Murder! Murder!"

"She's telling a different story, though."

"A comical response to a serious matter. Typical Madeleine behaviour."

"Sounds about right. So who's the 'target'."

"Diana Anaid, the Bandit King of the Sacre Pla Nation."

"I was wondering why I was here."

"We're hunting a Bandit King? An existence said to be the pinnacle of all bandits within a country? It is often said only the strongest or smartest bandits get such a title?"

"I thought you didn't know anything about Bandit Kings!"

"Teehee."

"What the fuck?"

"That is correct, Madeleine. Diana Anaid is the Bandit King of the Sacre Pla Nation and leader of the Dirty Bandits. Unfortunately, compared to the typical bandit group with a Bandit King at its head, the Dirty Bandits are incredibly pitiful. They're the only bandit group with a Bandit King to not be the most powerful criminal element in their country across Mendass."

"Let me guess, the most powerful criminal element was the fuckers who kidnapped us."

"Indeed. See, if you use that mind as fast as you used that body, you'd be much more powerful, Mare."

"I know where you keep all your soup pots."

I quickly dashed over to Speedy, grabbed her shoulders, and started shaking her. "TELL ME WHERE SHE KEEPS HER STASH!!! I NEED TO NORMALISE HER DIET!!!"

"CALM DOWN, CALM DOWN!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!"

"I believe her annoyance at my obsession with soup has reached its peak, and she is willing to do anything to quell it. Since you know who the target is, just take Madeleine with you."

"FINE, FINE!!!"

"TELL ME WHERE THE SOUP PO- Ooh, a cave."

"Good, you're back to normal… normal for you."

"Caves… caves… are we here to trade with the local goblins?"

"What? No, we're here to… ugh… just follow me." Speedy started walking down the cave, and I followed. She walked down the cave with a scowl. Hmm… I could continue to push her buttons… never mind, the bandits here are doing that for me. 

There's a bunch of bandits in this cave, and every time they see Speedy, they attempt to jump at her, dagger in hand, only to be thrown away with the flick of a hand. It's so quick I can't even see Speedy move. That's Super Speed for you. Obviously, she doesn't have eyes behind her head, so I'm the one with the bandits who flank us. They're amateurs with the dagger, so all I do to beat them is headbutt them. No need for fancy magic, countless shadow clones, or my secret technique of pretending to die. 

Eventually, we reached the end of the hideout, which held a singular tent and two big bodyguards standing menacingly in front of it.

"You take the left one. I'll take the right one."

"Aye aye, your majesty!"

"Your majesty?"

"You're a Bandit King, right?"

"Bandit Kings aren't actual royalty. Now hurry up and take down the guard. I've already done mine." I looked at the two guards and noticed the right one had fallen flat on the ground, alarming the other one, who saw us and was charging at us with his hilariously small spear. 

"How should I take him down?"

"I don't know, nor do I care."

"Alright then." I stomped my foot, causing a rock platform under him to suddenly jump up, launching him to the roof and knocking him out. "Up and away."

"If I had to guess, the Bandit King is in the tent. Let's go get her."

"Aye aye, your majesty!" We walked into the tent to find two ladies happily drinking tea at a table, one of them a bit familiar and the other remarkably ordinary.

"So yeah, that's how the Garwet Desert Bandits fell."

"Seriously? A maid, an S-Ranked Adventurer and a Bandit King thought to be dead? You're lying, Maggie."

"No, I'm not. Ya won't believe this eitha, but I ended up bumping into the maid again! This time while a group I joined was being assaulted by a demon!"

"You're so unlucky!"

"Yeah, I am. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if the maid ended… up… here…." One of the ladies dropped her teacup upon noticing I was there. "Fuck."

"You know this woman, Madeleine?"

"Hmm… her face rings a bell, but you know me when it comes to people who don't live in our constantly burning down mansions."

"I figured. Should I just knock them both out?"

"Feel free to, Spee-" Before I could even register, a dagger was stopped right in front of my face. I didn't even notice the killing intent. Woah. Speedy had caught the dagger.

"Tch." The other bandit, the one I didn't think was familiar, had an annoyed look. Almost as quickly as she caught the dagger, Speedy now had her fist in the culprit's stomach, instantly knocking her out.

"That's my cue to escape. Look at the ground. There's something!" I instantly looked down, wondering what that something was. It's just dirt… damnit, I fell for it! I looked back to see somehow she had escaped. I looked to see what Speedy was doing… she was also knocked out… somehow. What? You know what, I'll just get the other Bandit King's Sacred Power, suck them both into the Shadowrealm, then have a Shadow Speedy take me home. Sounds like a plan. I do have to let her out, though.

Oh, that explains how I didn't catch her throwing the dagger at me, and also might be how she got Speedy. Huh… What is it with Bandit Kings and speed-related Sacred Powers?

Character profile: Diana Anaid

Sacred power: Quick Draw

Showers taken per week: 7

Description: The quick-to-the-draw Bandit King of the Sacre Pla Nation. Diana Anaid became the Bandit King of the Sacre Pla Nation by challenging the former holder of the title to a duel to the death with the title on the line. She threw the dagger straight through his head before he could even put his hand on the hilt of his sword. Unfortunately, she chose the worst time to be a Bandit King in Sacre Pla, as Ammul the Fell God had returned to the world and started building his criminal empire in Sacre Pla. Diana was initially invited to join the cultist group but turned down, thinking it was suspicious. This was a smart move, as the other bandits with Sacred Powers who accept their offer are now items.

Chapter namesake: Dirty Diana by Michael Jackson

pojlk

So I've got some bad news. I won't be able to release the side story at the same time as chapter 80, as I promised. My laptop, which I did my writing on broke, and so I have to use my sister's laptop to write these chapters. Now, I can quickly type up chapters for Side Note, but the side story was something I wrote in my free time, and I doubt my sister appreciates me hogging her own laptop, so I'll have to put it on hold. Sorry to those who were looking forward to it. Side Note will still continued to be updated, since it doesn't take that long for me to write up a chapter. As for when the side story will be released... no idea, in all honesty.