The office was quiet and cold. My interviewer, a kindly older woman with thick spectacles, sat across a desk from me, looking over my resume. Finally, she spoke.

"I must say, Mr. Razzetti, your qualifications are exceptional. So, don't think of this as an interview, but rather as a 'conversation' - we like you, we just want to get to know you a bit."

I relaxed into my chair. "Thank you ma'am, that's a relief."

"Let's get started, then. What was the last book you finished?"

My blood turned to ice. Suddenly, the entire interview hinged on how convincingly I could lie. But lying is hard - you have to come up with a whole other reality, and it has to be detailed enough to be believable.

"Fiction or nonfiction?" I asked, stalling for time.

"Either one." she responded immediately.

I drew a blank.

Fine. The truth it is.

"The Mystery Method: How to get Beautiful Women Into Bed." I said, hoping the brash confidence in my voice would negate the content of the message.

The interviewer's eyebrows shot up. "That's rather unsavory, Mr. Razzetti. Of all the books you could have chosen, why would you choose that?"

"Because... it's the truth."

"Well, thank you for your honesty, Mr. Razzetti, it makes it a lot easier for me to pick out the rats. I believe this interview is over."

"Y-yeah."

"I do have one more question, though. Out of curiosity... did it work?" she smiled condescendingly.

"No. I... wasn't able to get any of the women that I spoke to... into bed."

"They must not have been beautiful enough for it to work, huh."

"Guess not..." I mumbled, defeated.

---

 

"AAH!" I said audibly, bolting upright. The office was different all of a sudden - somebody had refurbished it to look exactly like my bedroom at the orphanage. The interviewer had moved to the doorway, and had an amazed look on her face. Her... blue, horned face. Oh wait.

"Wow, you're already awake?! How do you feel?" asked Stella.

"Embarrassed." I said, clutching my temples. "You ever flunk a job interview?"

"Embarrassed?!? That's it? After all those stings - you looked like you were going to die!"

"Die? Why would I..." then in a flash, my recent memories gave me a friendly sucker punch.

"Oh."

I anxiously scanned the room, looking for threats. I mean, if people could be demons, maybe Stella was the threat. She had the horns already. Maybe my nightstand was a demon as well. I really didn't know any more.

"How did I get here?" I asked.

"You got stung."

"Yeah, I know that! But who brought me here? what? where? when? And how did I get stung?"

Admittedly, that last question was bait. I knew how I got stung... I just wanted to know how much Stella knew.

She took a deep breath. "Okay, here's what happened. Allison and I were hanging out with Burt's group - you know, Owen and Clayton. We overheard a man named Euric talking about a flower in the woods that you were going to see. It piqued our interest, so we went out the woods as well, and when we got there..."

I was already lying on the group, stung by a bee... right?

But why would Burt's group double back? I thought they were leaving me for dead?

"...we saw you. But when we called out to you, you didn't respond; You were really lost in that flower. Then, as we walked up the hill, a bee flew at you and latched onto your chest! It was so scary! You were thrashing around violently, so Burt and Owen had to pin you down while Clayton pulled the bee off. You looked so weak and pale... and then you started muttering about demons... Oh god... I really thought you were going to die."

As she recounted the events, Stella became more and more upset, until she couldn't take it anymore and started sobbing.

I stared at her slack-jawed, fruitlessly trying to process what I'd just heard. It couldn't be true, and yet... it made just enough sense for me to consider.

Finally it hit me: there was a perfectly reasonable explanation for all of this.

I'm still dreaming.

I pinched myself hard.

Nothing doing. I tried again.

Impossible.

I looked around for a red bouncing ball or whatever the fuck bullshit is supposed to trigger a lucid dream. It had to be something out of place, like a line of sheep jumping over a fence, or a guy on fire falling forever, giving a speech without any pants, or...

A human suddenly turning into a demon.

Silence, brain.

"So uhm... then what?" I asked tepidly.

Stella collected herself and went on. "We *sniff* carried you back to the campground, and Mr. B-Briswell had a look at you. He gave you some medicine and said... that if you made it to the morning we could send you back to the village. So that's what we did... John had me come back as well to *sniff* keep an eye on you."

"Why you? What would you do if my condition deteriorated?"

"They did all they could already. If you kept getting worse... I'd just have to... make sure you didn't die alone." she managed to squeeze out before she started crying again.

"Wow... I didn't realize you cared that much about me." I said, taken aback.

That snapped her out of it.

"I don't. I just don't want to be the only person in this town who knows what an America is."

"That's fair. Kinda mean, but fair."

She glared at me. "You're kinda mean."

"Alright, fine. I said some stuff at the feast that was uncalled for. Not everything that I think needs to be said out loud, but I'd had a few and my filter slipped. I'm sorry."

"I appreciate that you understand the need for an apology."

I rolled my eyes. "Unfortunately, Stella could not make it to the ceremony tonight, so I'll be accepting the apology on her behalf."

"That's not how it works."

"Why not? I thought females loved self-acceptance."

"Females? Who says that? It's like you've never spoken to a girl in real life or something! Were you raised by a single father? Only brothers, no sisters? All-male boarding school?"

"Careful, you'll burn down the house if you light the gas that much. My mom and dad loved each other, and I got along great with both of my older sisters. I wasn't exactly a triple-X pussy slayer in high school, but the pussy did exist."

"So girls were just meat to you in high school, then." said Stella, crossing her arms. Normally, she would have bailed by now; kudos to her for sticking with it.

"Absolutely. That's how every boy in high school thinks. Including Burt." I said with a punctuating wag of my finger.

She frowned. "You know what? I don't feel like talking about Burt with you."

I paused for a second. It would be nice to end the conversation here, while we still had something like rapport. Then the image of a demon flashed through my mind.

"Unfortunately, we have to. Because according to my memories, he and his friends tried to kill me."

Stella's eyes widened, but she didn't look nearly as shocked as I expected. "Actually, that kind of makes sense. When they were wrestling the bee off you, it sounded like you thought they were attacking you."

"I really, really hope that's how it went down."

"Hmmm..." Stella pondered for a second, "Can you walk? There's someone next door who might make you feel better."

Good question. Legs? How we feeling?

I staggered upright. For a second, my knees didn't feel like balancing the ol' inverted pendulum, but eventually they settled down.

Stella helped me hobble to the next room - Zerch's room - where I bore witness to the most pathetic, predictable thing I'd ever seen.

A brilliant red sting mark defiled the blue flower on Zerch's chest. He lay, pale and sweaty, on his drenched bedsheets, towel on forehead. He was asleep, his breathing shallow and steady.

Donatello was sitting at his bedside, and he greeted me with the same wonder as Stella.

"Holy crap, is that you Mr. Shimp!?! You look great! I swear, just last night you were worse off than my buddy here."

I took another look at the undulating lump. "You're kidding."

"I'm not even doin' it justice. You had a bunch of sting marks, nobody here thought you'd make it! Stella already called dibs on all your 'worldly possessions'."

Stella turned away as I shot her a look.

Someone remind me to draft a will later.

He smiled broadly. "Boy, that puts me at ease. If you could get better, there's no way Zerch won't."

Then Stella spoke up. "Hey Don, tell him what happened when Zerch got stung."

"Sure thing." he nodded. "It was about, oh, halfway through the day. Zerch had been very cautious for the first couple of nests, but it went right to his head. Sonuvabitch charged a nest all by himself, and got shished before you could even say 'kebab'. Everyone with the fancy chain mail ran to help him, but with the way he was flailing, it seemed like he thought we had just backstabbed him or something. That venom doesn't mess around, huh?"

"Yeah... sure doesn't."

"Sometimes he wakes up for a bit, but when he sees me he gets scared - like I'm here to finish him off."

Stella turned to look at me. "Well, what do you think?" she asked leadingly. "Maybe Burt's not such a bad guy?"

The eyes…

"Again: I really, really, hope so."

---

 

Blood flowed through my muscles, bloating them and stiffening them. A good pump isn't 'like' an erection. A good pump is an erection. I flexed my forephalli.

All systems nominal.

After a workout at the church and an icy emission at the stream with the knife that had been regrettably left at home, I wandered back to the orphanage for dinner, my swollen extremities on vulgar display. Maggie had prepared a special feast: several of the most jumbo shrimp I'd ever seen. Suddenly my own wannabee meat patties didn't feel so badass.

How rude.

"What are these things? It smells great!" I asked, jostling with a couple of the younger kids for a spot at the table.

"Try it, you'll like it!" Maggie responded with an innocent smile.

"With pleasure!"

I bit into the pale orange meat eagerly.

Delicious.

It was kind of shrimpy, but without the usual seafood taste, and with a bit of nuttiness. And this familiar spiciness...

Stella took a seat in front of me, watching carefully. "We ate these yesterday as well, Maggie showed me how to cook them perfectly." she said, smirking.

"What did you season it with? It's got this great kick to it. Almost like the shimp grew up on land eating nothing but peppers.”

"You don't recognize the flavor? I know you've had it before." said Stella in mock surprise.

Am I being toyed with?

"Here’s a hint: we didn't add any spices, the flavor comes with the meat."

"Stop, you'll give it away!" said Maggie, stifling a laugh.

Comes with the meat...

NO

Every cell in my body spasmed. A glop of pure evil involuntarily sprayed from my mouth, instantly coating Stella.

She shrieked and ran off, trailing a streak of insults. "You fucking asshole! Why did I bother helping you recover!?! Incel! Gymcel! Loser-"

Maggie was howling, clutching her sides.

"Are you proud of yourself?!" I shouted.

"That was a way better reaction than I expected." she said, calming down. "You startle easily."

"Startle easily? Those things almost killed me!"

"And now you get to eat them. Isn't that wonderful?"

I sighed and... after reclaiming my wits... continued eating. Protein is protein is protein.

Add Maggie and Stella to the list of people who are actively trying to kill me.

One of the youngest girls picked up a chunk of meat from the ground and pressed it into my face.

"Fugging ass hole" she burbled.

Awwwwwwww... Baby's first words.