The most important day of the school year started off with a bang.

I’d been dreaming about volcanoes, so when the explosion woke me up, I thought for a second that I’d accidentally manifested some sort of apocalypse. I’d heard meteors landing all the time, but none like this - farther off, yet far more powerful. It kinda reminded me of how my parents used to noisily rearrange furniture all the time in the middle of the night, so I didn’t think much of it and went back to sleep.

Not my problem, right?

The next thing I knew, I was being violently shaken awake by… Jerith?

“Bradley!” He said urgently. “We’re under attack! Grab as many of the team as you can and assemble at the SUBAS! RUN!”

“What?!? By who?!” I yawned.

“You’ll see it! Hurry, get up!” Jerith said, turning to rush out the door.

We split up, each racing through half of the dorms on campus, rousing our sleeping teammates. I only knew where a few of the guys were staying, so our manpower was going to be limited for dealing with… whatever the fuck needed to be dealt with. By the time we’d made our rounds, the sun had already cleared the horizon, lighting the way as we ran across town to the killing field gate.

There was a huge commotion at the entrance, as dozens of adventurers, guards, soldiers, and other assorted gawkers darted back and forth.

“Phil! Let us through!” I called out as my group approached.

“Are you crazy!?” the guard replied. “Have you seen what’s out there?”

“Jerith’s orders.”

The guard grumbled, and without waiting for a formal acknowledgement, we started pushing our way through the throng.

Finally outside the walls, we could see small bands of adventurers rushing down the cobblestone path off into the golden morning mist of the prairie, becoming specks as they hurried off into the distance.

About a mile out, they stopped, drew their weapons, and began desperately assaulting the colossal behemoth that stood in their way.

So that’s it… the fucking problem.

This thing was like if one of those sauropods from the Jurassic period got super pissed one day and decided to go on a revenge tour against the T-rexes. Four massive pillars of legs supported a huge scaly bulk, with a long, winding tail on one end and a long, winding head on the other. Both ends were tipped with a pair of red dots that gave the impression of eyes as well as a pair of long serrated tusks that stuck out parallel like massive split jawbones.

A few of the guys swore when they saw it.

“It’s a god damn Duodon!”

“Shit! That thing’s gonna walk right over the walls!”

No way…

I watched as it fought with the adventurers, whipping both its head and tail around independently in broad sweeps and serpentine strikes, sending the little human specks flying, landing, and not getting back up. All the while, its legs kept moving, lumbering steadily towards the city. It seemed that hurdling the walls was exactly what the thing wanted to do.

Just then, Jerith’s group, also only a couple guys strong, arrived on the scene.

“You!” Jerith shouted, pointing at a group of adventurers who were about to head off. “Tell the fighters to retreat - this is now a live firing range!”

“Retreat?!” An adventurer snapped back. “We need to stop that thing!”

Jerith pointed at the SUBAS. The adventurer’s eyes widened and he nodded, setting off down the path with his squadron.

“Load the counterweight!” Jerith commanded us. “Bradley, attach the winch!”

I gulped. In order to attach the rope that we used to lower the arm of the sling, I had to scale its entire vertical length, more than twice the height of the town’s freaking walls! And of course, none of us knew which room our usual monkey stayed in.

Backup monkey Bradley Razzetti, reporting for duty!

I picked up the rope and started climbing up the small handholds as fast as I could, praying that Zerch’s bullshit training had cured my vertigo. As my teammates loaded the counterweight beneath me, the arm swayed treacherously. I lost my footing a couple of times, but somehow I managed to keep going, not looking down, until I was finally at the top. With a rough clack, the winch clipped into position. I shot down twice as fast as I’d gone up, leaping to the ground as soon as I was out of the leg-breaking zone.

“20 degrees counterclockwise!” Jerith shouted. “One!”

My teammates slowly turned their respective wheels. After one full revolution, they shouted back “One!” in response.

“Two!” Jerith continued. Then came three, four, five… we went all the way past a hundred before Jerith ordered us to stop. The whole time, the creature in the distance continued to lumber forward. I was sweating bricks and shitting bullets.

“Lower the arm!” Jerith ordered, and our team manned the next set of wheels, which lowered the throwing arm and raised the counterweight, now brimming with ballast.

After another rushed series of turns, the hole on the sling’s arm lined up with the hole at the base, and I shoved the locking pin through. As we detached the winch from the arm, I glanced back over at our impending doom, and realized with anticipation that it might be within range.

C’mon SUBAS! Light ‘em up!

“Ready?!” Jerith asked.

“Ready!” we all shouted back.

“Fire!”

I yanked the rip cord, sending a volley of ballistic fuck-yous shooting through space. The SUBAS rocked with the effort of firing a round at max power. 

We’d replaced our large single rocks with four smaller rocks, and as we’d hoped, the consistency of the machine went way up. After months of testing, we all had a pretty decent idea of where the missiles were going to land, but…

Damn! Short and left of the target!

A roar of dismay went up from the crowd of onlookers that had gathered around the gate. Nah, I won’t call them onlookers, that wouldn’t be respectful. If we failed, they were the final human wave of defense against this biological siege weapon leveling the entire city. If our team failed to stop it with the SUBAS, they were fucked.

“Reload!” Jerith shouted.

That was my cue.

With a bit less hesitation than last time, I picked up the winch rope again and began to scale the throwing arm. All the adventurers fighting the Duodon had fled - at least… those who were still able to. The creature continued its inevitable advance, neither speeding up nor slowing down.

Fucking animal… didn’t your mom ever tell you to stop and smell the roses?!

I latched the winch into place and shot back down the throwing arm. I fucked up the landing a bit as I jumped to the ground, and a bolt shot up my ankle, but it was nothing I couldn’t grit my teeth and run through. Same deal as last time - rotate the base, lower the arm, and prep to fire.

“Ready?!” came the command.

“Ready!”

“Fire!”

Another four projectiles arced through the sky - but the thing was advancing quickly, and this time we were a bit far…

But dead centered! No more rotations!

Another frustrated Awwwww went up from the peanut gallery.

“Almost there!” one person shouted in encouragement. “You got this!”

Another person mimed a basketball shooting motion, as if our sling needed a fucking wrist flick.

“Reload!”

I climbed the arm yet again. As I was hooking up the winch I slipped again, and for a scary moment I hung by the rope before quickly regaining control. I’m not a fucking klutz, alright?! I tend to sweat a bit from my hands when I have to watch Godzilla’s distant cousin closing in on me!

My ankle tried to remind me that it was not okay when I landed. I told it to go fuck itself.

As long as we kill this fucker… Sylvana can deal with the fallout.

When we lowered the arm this time, we incorporated that spacer beam I told you about, to reduce the range of the sling without taking ballast out of the counterweight. We’d fired practice rounds with a whole set of spacer beams of various lengths, and selected the one that Jerith’s gut told us to. We obeyed unquestioningly - out of all of us, his instinct for aiming had proven to be the best. He didn’t sink every three, but if anyone on the team could beat the buzzer, it was him.

“Ready?!”

“Ready!”

“Fire!”

The missiles hurtled towards the creature… and dropped directly on top of it! Two of the rocks fell to either side, but the other two plunged into its back, leaving deep craters in its sides before falling to the ground. The monster let out a loud trumpeting noise and staggered. At least one of its legs looked paralyzed… but it kept struggling forward!

“One more round!” Jerith screamed over the din of screaming bloodlust that erupted from behind us.

The Duodon was approaching our minimum range… before long one of us was going to be toast.

Once again, I summited the SUBAS, hit the winch, and descended. I tried to favor my good leg when I landed, but after another painful twist, my good leg instantly became my bad leg.

“Shit! Fuck! Cunt!” I swore, hobbling back into position for the locking mechanism.

We chose the longest spacer beam this time, but with the sling arm mere inches away from locking… the fucking wheels jammed up!

“Fuck!” Jerith swore.

“Stand back!” ordered a powerful voice from behind us.

Kallum!

It was the first time I’d seen the Champion of Castella since the opening ceremony, but it was unmistakably him - he was the largest person in the city by a longshot. He wasn’t wearing the ceremonial armor that he’d donned in the Cathedral, just a pair of mythril bracers and his massive sword.

Did he just roll out of bed or something?! The city’s about to get stepped on!

Kallum dropped the sword and grabbed the winch rope with one beefy hand. He grabbed the base of the SUBAS in another hand, and with one massive exertion, lowered the sling arm the last few inches - all by his damn self! As soon as it lined up, I slammed in the locking pin, and Kallum let go.

I don’t believe it… he’s even stronger than he looks!

I wheezed as I crab-walked away from the sling, taking up my firing position.

“Ready?!”

“Ready!”

“Fire!”

I yanked the rope one last time, for all I was worth, and watched peacefully as the rocks glided overhead.

If they don’t hit… we did the best we could.

*BOOM*

From this close range, we could hear the impacts that the missiles made as they slammed into the creature’s flesh. One of the rocks hit the base of the Duodon’s neck, and its front legs seized up. It collapsed, its neck and tail whipping around violently in pain.

A massive cheer broke out from the crowd! The creature wasn’t dead yet - but the battle was all but won!

VICTORY!!!

“Good work, kid.” Kallum said with a respectful nod, clapping me heartily on the back - and instantly giving me something else for Sylvana to have a look at. He picked up his sword and started down the path towards the monster, giving his sword a few practice swings as he went.

When he reached the creature, he reared the sword back, and in one powerful stroke, severed its neck just above the base.

What the fuck?! That’s like chopping down a tree in a single hit! HOW FUCKING STRONG IS THIS GUY?!?!?

However, even without the head, the beast’s tail continued to thrash around. It coiled back, and struck out at Kallum like lightning! A mouth opened up, and I realized at once that Duodon’s “neck” was actually its tail… and the tail was its head! Like a bizarre form of camouflage!

But clearly, this wasn’t Kallum’s first encounter with a Duodon, because the strike didn’t catch him off guard in the slightest. A golden ray of light flashed from his blade as he whipped it around, severing the creature’s head from a longer range and at a greater speed than I would have believed possible. It was almost as if Kallum moved in fast-forward for a split second.

“That’s it! The Awe Strike!” said somebody from the crowd.

“Nice! I was hoping to see that!” said another, munching on a container of crunchy dried rice snacks.

Wait a fucking minute…

“Hey!” I demanded. “Did you people know that this was going to happen?!”

“Well, yeah…” one of the soldiers responded sheepishly. “Kallum always kills the big stuff.”

“Happens every year.” another chimed in.

“Well then…” I sputtered, “why did all those guys go out and try to fight that thing?”

“Probably trying to get promoted to bishop or something.”

“Adventurers do lots of dumb shit.” another person added, as if I didn’t already know. “Have you seen that one idiot who’s always doing handstands on the edge of the cliff?”

Forget everything I said about the brave, stalwart onlookers. Fuck every single one of those rubberneck bastards for clogging up the gate during a fucking crisis. Fuck their pencildick fathers and their flubbercunt mothers. And as for their sisters… they’re not even worth fucking. Just murder them.

I turned away from the crowd, towards the real hero of the day. 

Jerith was riding on the shoulders of a few of our teammates, who were all shouting until their voices went raw. He dropped back down when he saw me, and hurried over, where we exchanged a brief yet powerful bro hug.

“Great job, Bradley!” he beamed. “This wouldn’t have happened without you!”

For a second, my ankles forgot to repeatedly stab me.

“I think you just got yourself a bigger contract.” I said.

“Think about it!” Jerith said. “How much better would this be if we had four slings instead of one?”

“I don’t think we would’ve needed Kallum…”

“You know what this really proves, Bradley?” Jerith turned towards the fallen monster, basking in the glow of victory. He turned back towards me, a fire of conviction in his eyes that I’d never seen before.

“It doesn’t matter how big or strong you are, how much money you have, or where you come from. There’s nothing that you can’t do with a bit of ingenuity and perseverance.”

I had to stifle a laugh at that one.

He’s just naming Mars rovers now…

A hand clapped me on the shoulder with the force of a hammer driving a nail into a wooden plank.

“Well fought, gentlemen!” Kallum greeted us, returning from battle. 

Now that all matters of apocalyptic significance had been dealt with, I got my first real look at the guy. I’d like to reiterate that the dude was an absolute beast, almost double my height and built like an apex shredator. Without his ceremonial helmet on, I could finally see his face, which was large, blocky, and rugged. The guy looked like he wrestled grizzly bears for fun - and won - but I counted few grey streaks in his dark black hair. I’d estimate he was in his early forties. With a good regimen, people can keep getting stronger until their mid-to-late thirties, so while Kallum was not quite out of his fighting prime yet, his expiration date was coming due soon…

“Thanks for bailing us out, Kallum!” Jerith responded.

“Not at all… the thing was half-dead anyway. If I’d known that you all had things under control, I wouldn’t have gotten out of bed.” he said, yawning.

“Next time, you’ll be able to sleep right through it.” Jerith promised.

“I believe you.” Kallum said, smiling, addressing the entire SUBAS team. “You all are mighty and capable warriors - and it’s about time you were paid for it! Come with me! The King will want to know all about what happened here today.”