Chapter 4 - Unexpected conclusions

Despite our best intentions, Ben and I’s night did not end up with two bro’s pulling in a nightclub. The reality of two people getting drunk while they have access to far too much alcohol is that sometimes the furthest they make it is to the bathroom. That evening Ben had overestimated what he could handle which left me downstairs doing my best to ignore his retching noises. I was of course, drunk too, which meant my earlier resolve not to check my phone was in a similar state to Ben.

Sober people can, by and large, tell who they should and should not text. However, this ability is one of the first things that alcohol takes away, which meant that a blinking ‘three’ on the dating app led very quickly to me learning that Penny had replied! No time for Anxiety or patience I just had to know.

Penny: Okay, I’d been putting this off for too long anyway, and please don’t be mad. It’s just that this is a red flag for a lot of girls and you’ve been so lovely and I didn’t want to spoil the fun I was having.

Penny: I have a daughter and she is my everything. We don’t need support or another parent but she’s just old enough to ask for one now and I’d certainly like a girlfriend.

Penny: So, uh, is that okay? Obviously I’d need some dates first *hint hint* but there’s no pressure and no rush

A kid was not even on the extensive list of things that my brain had concocted. Was her having a kid okay by me? Well yeah, obviously, she was allowed to have a kid. But could I date someone who had a kid? I mean, yeah, probably, I liked kids and was only a little attached to them being biologically mine. Okay, so having kids isn’t a red flag and I can… Oh, fuck. I can’t do anything, I’m a boy. I had to tell her, not that I was a boy, but something to end it, to stop stringing her along. 

This would be easier if kids were a red flag for me, now I’ll have to lie. Haven’t I been lying all along though? Why is this lie bad, but being Amy totally chill? Stupid drunk brain, just lie to her one more time, for her sake. Urgh, Amy here would, uh, she’d have more questions about the kid.

Amy: Okay, a bit of a shock, but you having a daughter isn’t necessarily a deal-breaker for me, unless there’s an arsehole father running around or something

Okay, that gave me at least one more message before I had to end things, and it was 3am so one more message was practically an entire day, so I could try and ignore my anxiety and get to sleep for a few hours and, oh, she’s already replied.

Penny: That’s really good to hear and no, no arsehole Dad. There is a dad, I suppose, but there’s no way for him to even suspect he has a kid, more of a sperm donor really

Amy: Wait, surely having a kid is exactly what sperm donors expect?

Penny: Ah, right, I didn’t exactly use normal pathways for a donor. There was a waiting list for artificial insemination, especially for single mothers. But I wanted a baby and had a gap between jobs that was perfect to do it, so I just found a guy and got my sperm donation the old fashioned way.

Amy: Okay, hard to argue with any of that, but I have to know how you ‘just found a guy’

Penny: Okay, I didn’t ‘just find one’ I had a school reunion so I picked someone who got good grades and seemed to have genes for ‘tall and handsome’, then I just got drunk enough to go through with it, because, you know, gay.

A school reunion. Where she got drunk and had sex with a guy. Where she got drunk and had sex with a me. I was the guy. I was a… My brain shut down for a long moment. Her daughter was my daughter. I had a child and I’d had no idea.

I had to tell her, but I could never tell her, not as Amy. ‘I was doing a stupid bet pretending to be a woman and just happened to match with you and flirt with you until you told me about our child.’ I barely believed it and it had happened, she’d think she had a stalker, or worse. Whatever worse would mean. No, I’d have to reach out as Alistair, me. I would have to reach out to someone who’s closest link to me was ‘ex-girlfriends friend I fucked once’ and somehow have that lead to her telling me about our daughter, so that I could pretend I didn’t already know. And then? Then I’d get to be a distant father who no one asked for, just a convenient sperm donor who forced my way into her life.

Unless, as Amy I got Penny to reach out, now that had promise.

Amy: Wait, so he really has no idea? Doesn’t he deserve to know? Or does he not, sorry, I’m a little drunk and have no idea.

I’d wanted to stop after the second question, but it had felt too accusatory and I couldn’t do this and not be on Penny’s side.

Penny: Morally, I have no idea and I don’t care. My only real concern here is what’s good for Isabella, and while he had looks and grades, I don’t want him in her life.

Penny: My friend dated him for a bit, so imagine someone who’s put so much stock in what their parents think and in what’s cool, that that’s all they value. Just chasing trends and judging people who didn’t, all wannabe-jock bullshit that Bella does not need. I presume he’s now a banker or something equally soulless, I honestly never asked and don’t intend to try it now

Penny: Sorry, started ranting there, TL;DR men, yuck

Penny: So uh, you fancy a date cutie?

What the fuck am I supposed to say to any of that? I’m definitely angry, why is it at me? I just received the most scathing critique of my character I’ve ever gotten and I think I agree with her! How can I hate myself this much? I was cool, I dressed well, was in good shape, had an interesting job and I had sex with hot girls. People wanted to be me, that’s what cool meant! Just, why was it so hard, and so forced? Why couldn’t that just be me and why did I feel so alone? Did it even count as being alone if I was barely here either?

Fuck. It’s all a lie isn’t it? What am I even supposed to do now, just start over as someone else?

If this was all a bullshit act that I’d practised over the years, was there even anything left underneath? Okay, deep breaths, let’s be analytic, what about my life do I like? Work is good, that can stay. Custard is great too, duh. Jock bullshit, not so much. So if I cut that out, then I’m left with… oh, just work and my dog. Fuck. Okay, what do I like that isn’t in my life, what comes naturally to me? I loved books as a kid, so maybe I could read more, but that’s not exactly a personality. I guess if I’m not a cool guy I could be literally anything else, a nerd maybe? No, that’s a stereotype and not a personality either.

I really just need to let go of the act and see what comes naturally, but I don’t think I’ve acted naturally since I was twelve, do I even know how? Although, I guess being Amy has come pretty naturally, maybe I could be more like her? Being an awkward cutie has been fun and quite easy, but I can’t imagine being a guy and doing it. Urgh, if I were her this would be so much easier, I could date Penny and just be a mum then too, but that would require me being trans, which, uh… Oh Fuck.

That would explain why I liked being a lesbian, and hated being a jock and why twelve year old me was so unhappy being a shy boy they decided to be someone else, they just picked the wrong person to be. It explains why being a guy has felt like an act for my entire life. Okay, hold up brain, you’re getting carried away, what could prove we’re trans? Do we want to wear girl clothes? If we look like a girl we do. Do she/her pronouns sound better than he/him? Well, obviously. People would stop calling me bro and dude! I’d get to be a girl, and a mum! Although that would still require telling Penny, regardless, getting to be a girl would be a good start. Wait, I don’t only get to be a girl, I would be one, like, immediately!

Well crap, I’m a girl. Huh.

Okay, new, definitely very simple plan: step one, transition, step two, tell Penny the truth, step three, happily ever after? I guess I’ll get started in the morning.

Rewq

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