Author's Note - There's about a month timeskip between this chapter and the last. Also, this is the start of a period of the story that the CWs for descriptions of dysphoria and general angst apply to. 

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There’s this funny thing about realizing you’re trans. Once you’re finally able to put to words what exactly it is about your life that’s been bothering you in the background for so long, it becomes impossible to keep it in the background any longer. Suddenly all the aspects of my life that for so long have been tied to having to be a “boy” or “male” are completely and utterly unbearable. I find myself spending a lot of time throughout the day gritting my teeth silently and moving through the motions of my daily routine with a new loathing for exactly what it is I have to put up with. 

Or, to put it more plainly: dysphoria sucks.

In the month since Blake’s transformation, I’ve found myself keeping up appearances for the most part during the day while sneakily doing research and self-care once eyes are off me. I’ve started shaving my legs regularly to help keep some of the discomfort at bay that body hair brings me. Well, actually I’ve been shaving practically my entire body at this point. I’m unfortunately “blessed” with a noticeable amount of darker body hair, courtesy of my genetics. I also have started cleaning myself more often, doing everything in my power to try and eliminate the “boy smell” that seems to just waft naturally off of me. Just another lovely part of puberty, I suppose.

Meanwhile during all of this, while I’ve been struggling with dealing with all of the discomfort that’s been brought to the forefront of my life, Blake has been having the time of hers. I know this because hanging out with her remains the one true reprieve I have from dealing with my body. Also because I’m her girlfriend, something that still elicits happy tingly feelings every time I remember it, and she tells me pretty much everything.

Her parents have been super supportive, especially her mom. They’ve taken her clothes shopping and completely updated her wardrobe. She’s been learning how to do makeup, paint her nails, sit, walk, talk, etc. Even how to wear certain kinds of clothes, which really surprised me. You’d think clothes would just be clothes, right? I guess girls’ clothes require a whole different way to be put on sometimes.

To be honest, a lot of what she’s been doing feels really, I don’t know, stereotypical and old-fashioned to me? Like you’d think in modern times it wouldn’t matter how a girl presents or acts, she could just be whoever she wants and do whatever she wants. No matter how much I tell Blake this, though, she insists on wanting to learn how to do things “the right way that girls are taught when growing up.” Which usually just results in me protesting more, which then results in Blake shutting me up with a kiss. Not gonna lie, I’m really fond of the end result of that. Still, I’m really hoping she stops thinking this way eventually. I really don’t want to have to keep arguing with her about it.

Other than that though, things are really great between us. Blake has never been happier in her entire life, and I’m kind of using that happiness to get myself through most days. In a way I think I’m even living vicariously through her? I mean how could I not, right? She’s getting to do a lot of what I wish I could do, aside from the outdated feminine traditions and whatnot. When she’s not sharing with me all the ways her life has changed now, things between us are a lot like how they were before her transformation too. We still play a lot of games together, hang out, talk about our lives and going ons, get food, go for walks. She’s even been inviting our other friends over sometimes to join in on some of those activities. You know, when she and I aren’t just feeling like having alone time together. 

I think that’s been really good and interesting too, seeing how everyone has been reacting and adjusting to Blake being a girl now. For the most part everyone is really supportive, Marcy and Elizabeth especially. The two of them talk about a lot of really girly things together now, as well as some nerdy stuff too. Sadly, I’m only able to join in on the latter portion of those conversations. I’m still keeping the fact that I’m trans a secret from everyone outside of Blake and her parents. It just… doesn’t feel right to call myself a girl yet to everyone when I still feel like such a boy on the outside.

Despite all this though, Theo has been a lot more quiet and distant since everything happened. He’s stopped being a total ass about everything, thank god, but instead he’s replaced that with this kind of apathy about Blake’s transformation. He tends to change the subject a lot whenever it’s brought up, and I keep getting the impression that it’s almost as if he’s trying to ignore the fact that anything even happened in the first place. Sometimes I want to confront him about it, but honestly I’m dealing with enough on my own right now. Adding whatever is bothering Theo on top of everything sounds like possibly too much for me to handle.

Which brings me to today. Blake and I are hanging out over at her place. It’s where I feel most comfortable nowadays. Not that anything is actually wrong with my house. It’s just that I get to actually be more myself there, with her and her parents, and don’t feel like I have to pretend to be a boy to keep up appearances.

“Are you sure you don’t want to join in on this, Angel?” Blake asks me as she paints her nails. “I don’t mind showing you how to do this. I think I’m actually getting pretty good at it!”

“No, it’s okay babe. Besides, I’d just have to wash it off anyways before going home, which sounds like a hassle and a waste of your polish.”

Blake sighs and nods. “Alright, if you say so.” She hums to herself a little as she diligently works on her fingers, occasionally glancing up at the game I’m playing on my Switch that I brought over. “I still don’t know why you got rid of Wooloo from your team.”

I groan. Not this again. “I told you, she’s a normal type and adds nothing to my team comp! Normal is super effective against literally nothing and just makes my team that much more weak to Fighting-type moves.”

“Yeah, sure, and I get that. But there’s a really good counterpoint to all of that.” She holds up her hand in front of her face, splaying her fingers as she examines her work. “Wooloo is ridiculously cute!”

I roll my eyes. “Cuteness unfortunately has no bearing on the viability of a Pokemon.” 

“I’m gonna have to press X to that,” she replies with a smirk. “I bet I could beat this entire game using only cute Pokemon!”

“Yeah, okay, good luck with that,” I snort. “It’s not like Galar is a particularly hard region to beat compared to previous generations, but you’re going to find yourself having trouble getting through all the gyms doing that.”

“Maybe with that attitude I would. Luckily I have more faith in the power of adorableness!”

I can’t help myself but laugh. She’s incredibly stubborn and persistent sometimes, but that’s honestly just one of the things I really love about her. “I love you, you dork,” I say to her with a smile, turning around to look at her.

Blake blushes and avoids looking at my eyes, pulling her arms up against her chest and squirming a little. “I-I, um, I love you too, Angel,” she stammers out. 

My smile gets even wider. It’s so cute how she reacts whenever I compliment her or tell her I love her. It always makes me just want to do it even more.

At that moment Blake’s mom walks into the room, humming to herself as she browses her phone. I can’t help but notice that her outfit’s color scheme today is pink, sky blue, and white; the trans pride colors. Which is of course no real surprise. Ever since finding out that she’s been trans her entire life, Sandra has been absorbing and learning everything she can about trans culture. She even ordered a special phone case that has the trans pride flag on it. It’s almost kind of cringey in a way, but honestly I can’t blame her. If I could, I’d probably be doing something similar myself. It must be nice to have the freedom and confidence of being an adult that allows her to do anything she wants like this.

“Blake, honey, are you all packed up and ready for tomorrow?” she asks as she sits into her chair and crosses her legs.

“Yep! I’m all set, Mom!”

“Do you have your outfit picked out? Makeup you want to wear? Your school books and homework complete?”

Blake sighs. “Yes, Mom, I got all that finished up yesterday. Today is just me relaxing with Angel.”

I pause the game. “Wait, what’s going on tomorrow?”

Blake looks at me and tilts her head. “I’m going back to school. It’s the end of my ‘transition absence’, remember?”

I blink. “Wait, seriously? Already? But it’s barely even been a month!”

“Well, yeah. A month is how long I was going to take off.” Blake frowns. “Didn’t we talk about this already?”

“I, well, no! No we didn’t!”

“I could have sworn we did. I mean, you were there back when I came out to Mom and Dad and we started planning this.”

“Well, yeah, I remember the plan and everything, but I thought you were going to take longer than a month! How’s anyone supposed to believe that all it took was a month for you to look this good?”

Blake blushes and hugs her chest. “You really think I look good?”

“Well, yeah, obviously! You look amazing! You’re hardly recognizable to how you looked before transforming!”

Sandra nods and smiles. “Angel’s right, you look really great, honey.” Then she frowns. “Also, remember what I told you about being careful with your nails while they’re drying like that.” 

Blake immediately holds her arms back out and splays her fingers. “Right, sorry, Mom!”

“Anyways, back to the main point -- I feel like it’s too soon for you to go back. People are going to be suspicious!” I fold my arms together and look at both of them sternly. “People are going to know something doesn’t quite add up when they see Blake looking, well, you know.”

“Like a girl?” Blake fills in, frowning.

“No! I mean, yes, but not like that! Just like, you know, you look so different and everything now!”

Blake looks over herself, biting her lip as she examines her body. Then with a nod, she looks back up at me. “Yeah, that’s true. This is a really drastic change in a real short amount of time.”

“Yes! See! Exactly! And anyone who sees you looking like this now, after just a month of being gone, is going to get suspicious!”

“Mmm, I don’t think they will,” Sandra interjects. “No one was like that with me after I transformed. You know, aside from the usual ‘Sandra is a girl now’ shock and awe.”

I look over at Sandra and frown. “That can’t possibly be true.”

“I’m serious! All my friends and family just thought I’d gone and ‘had a sex change operation’.”

“But… ‘sex change operations’ don’t do that!”

Sandra laughs. “I know! But they didn’t know any better and assumed it was something scientific and reasonable rather than the magical truth.”

I open and close my mouth a couple of times as I try to come up with a suitable retort to all of that. But my mind draws a blank. “Are people seriously that gullible?”

Sandra and Blake both shrug. “Our family has had this curse for generations and no one has ever noticed anything,” Sandra answers. “So, yes, I think people really are.”

I fall back onto the carpet and cup my face in my hands, groaning. I can’t believe this. They really just think no one is going to notice anything. How in the hell did no one ever notice anything before with this little subtlety involved? Is hiding the magical nature of the changes part of the curse?

Blake sighs. “Look Angel, I know this isn’t exactly a one-hundred-percent realistic transition length of time here, but I haven’t exactly had a normal transition. If I tried to stick to that kind of a timetable, I’d be stuck here in the house for so long that I’d miss everything I really want to be in for senior year!”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, there’s only a couple months left of the school year at this point, and I really want to be there for the end of year big school events like prom.”

My eyes widen. I’d completely forgotten about prom. “Oh, right. Yeah, I guess that makes sense.” I lift my head back up to look at her. “That’s understandable, and I want you to do those things too, but I’m worried someone is going to start poking around in your business and figure out something we don’t want them to.”

“Angel, who’s seriously going to do that? The only people who know anything are you, me, my parents, our friends, and Mr. Schultz. All people we can trust.”

“I don’t know, someone besides those people?!?” I groan and pull at my hair a little. This is so frustrating! Why doesn’t she get what I’m saying? If anyone notices anything, if even just one wrong person starts to suspect something beyond the ordinary is going on here, it could throw Blake’s entire transition into jeopardy! Why can’t they realize that? Don’t they want this to go perfectly?

Blake frowns and sinks back into the couch. “Angel… is something wrong? Why are you getting so upset over this?” Blake asks me, sounding a little hurt. “I thought if anything you’d be happy to have me back in school.”

I shoot back up lightning fast. “Of course I’m happy, babe! Honest! I’m just trying to look out for you and make sure your secret stays safe, you know?”

Blake frowns and looks off to the side, avoiding eye contact with me. “It feels kind of like you’re trying to stop me from going back to school at all.”

“No, no I’m not, honest! I really really want you back in school. I miss having class and film club and lunch and everything with you!”

She turns back to look at me. “Then just let me do this and trust that everything is going to be okay, alright?”

I don’t reply immediately. I want to keep fighting this, to try and make her understand why this could all blow up in her face. But I can see how upset she looks, and my gut tells me that what Blake needs right now isn’t my anxiety, but my support. 

“Alright, I understand,” I finally manage to say. “I’m sorry for getting upset.”

Blake gives me a forgiving smile. “It’s okay, babe, I know you’re just looking out for me. But I really think everything is going to be okay. It’s just a feeling I have, you know?”

I nod again, and from there the conversation shifts back to plans for the next day between Blake and her mom. All the different things they have to do, how they’re going to reintroduce Blake to everyone at school, etc. I kind of zone out for most of that. Instead I’m thinking about why I got like I did about her going back. What was up with that? I really do want her back in school with me and I love having her around. There’s just… something really upsetting about it too. Aside from the threat to Blake, I mean. 

With Blake back in school, she’ll get to go around, being herself, being the kind of high school girl she always wanted to be. She’ll be happy, others will see that she’s happy. Our friends will be glad to have her back. The teachers will start treating her differently as the girl she actually is now. She’ll get to use the girl’s locker room, the girl’s bathroom, she’ll be on the girl’s side of the gym when they separate us for gym class. She’ll just get to be… a girl.

Oh. Right. And the whole time while she gets to do that, I won’t.