“Ah, I can see it. The light~” “Putangina, wag ka sa kalye!” ¹"Fucking hell, get off the road!

 

I give my thanks to Jeepney-kun. I was running late for my thesis class, but now I’m somewhere where my adviser can’t find me. Yay!

 

…Yay?

 

…Hey, doesn’t that mean I’ll be delayed again?

 

No, no, I’m dead, that doesn’t matter anymore.

 

…

 

As I thought, this still feels wrong.

I guess it’s regrettable that I couldn’t meet up with my friends after class and drink our worries away, only to pull an all-nighter the next day despite a god-awful headache and—

Ah, on second thought, maybe this was for the better. I wonder if I’ll end up in heaven or hell though—or maybe Christianity was wrong all along and the North Koreans were right, and I’ll be judged by the Kims and sent to the Aftergulag?

 

“Anak~”

 

There’s a sensation of turning my head, looking around for the voice, but I’m dead, so that shouldn’t be possible. As I thought, it looks like I’m about to be judged. I don’t think I did too well in my life, so I guess I’ll brace for an eternity of damnation.

Huh, what am I saying, assuming that Christianity’s right? I don’t even know who’s speaking!

 

“Haah, susmaryosep…”

""“Yes?”""

 

Hey. Wait. My soul was tired, if that even makes sense, and I just couldn’t help but think that aloud, but eh? Someone heard that? Rather, someone answered?!

 

…Don’t tell me…

 

There was a bright flash, and suddenly, I was in a pure white room. For some reason, it felt small, even if I couldn’t really see any corners or edges where the walls intersected. I couldn’t even figure out the shape of the walls, but somehow, they still felt “close”.

“Anak~”

“No, dear, this one likes to use English more often.”

“Ah— bro~”

I didn’t notice them at first, but they were right there all along! There’s a lady wearing a white dress and shawl, and someone who seemed like her husband on a couch wearing a simple white tunic. I mean, I think that’s her husband. Heck, she’s sitting on his lap. Rather, what’s with this flirting right in front of me? Respect for the dead, where is it?!

“J-Jesus Christ…”

“I’m surprised you noticed—”

“Geh?!”

I reflexively crumpled down. I looked over my shoulder and there he was, with long, flowing hazel hair, just like they taught us in Catholic school—J.C. himself in the flesh.

 

Ah, well, this wasn’t really the physical world anymore, so it’s like… simulated flesh, I guess?

 

Still, something’s wrong. Why’s he in a ninja outfit? Is that a kunai? What’s with the kunai? Why’d it look like he was about to assassinate me?! Wait, don’t tell me…

Please don’t let it be real. My eyes may be small, but the strength at which they can squint wasn’t weak at all! I scanned the room, and sure enough, it wasn’t just the flirting couple there. There was a TV set, a DVD player, and shelves filled with manga and light novels. The DVD’s were… pirated animes?

Say, hypothetically, if the god of your religion were a big weeb, did that, by extension, mean that your religion was a weeb religion all along? Has the center of Christian pilgrimage shifted away from Jerusalem to Akihabara? What’s… W-wh-guh?! The words, they can’t leave my mouth—

Wait, if it’s like that, then the couple on the couch—no. No way. Hahaha, there’s no way that could possibly be true~

I looked to my last hope.

“Ahahaha, Joseph dear~” “Ahhh, Mary~”

Wait, no, it can’t be them. Wasn’t Joseph a carpenter?

“Ahh, being a carpenter was hard work. Just lazing around the retirement farm fills me with happiness~”

“Dear, we’re literally in Heaven!”

 

Ha? Job change?!

 

 

What’s going on?!

 

 

“Ah, he passed out.”

 

 

A little while later, a certain Filipino was lying on the couch. Some suspicious biblical characters were coming by to see how the family was doing, and of course, they were curious about the soul occupying the family couch.

“Say, David, he somehow has the same soul color as you when you were younger?”

“What are you saying, Moses? Filipinos are a completely different species.”

 

The two stared at the unconscious ex-college student. That’s when flaming iron gauntlets landed on both their heads.

 

“Ahgha?!” “Afbghaugh!”

“What are you two doing?!”

 

The flaming iron hand that was brought down upon their crowns was owned by a certain Jeanne d’Arc.

Just then, the first lady of the house—Mary walked into the scene just in time with a pot of tea. She never really had tea back when she was alive, but a certain bow-wielding gentleman-bandit introduced her to the good stuff about a thousand years ago, greatly elevating her average daily mood.

Which was why, staring at the two writhing men on the ground, she didn’t want such a mess around her house first thing in the morning!

 

“Oh my, what trouble, Jeanne! Now here, have some tea~”

“Aha~ Don’t worry about it~”

 

After successfully defusing the fiery personality, she dragged two certain kings along the floor and deposited them by the DVD player. Jeanne certainly was easy to enflame, but tea was a most reliable response to that. In contrast, David and Moses hardly listened to anyone but each other nowadays. Just get married, you two!

Now, for what reason, did such a strange cast of historical figures come to visit the Nazarene family’s own piece of Heaven?

 

Hearing the commotion, the main character opened his eyes.

 

“H-Huh? A-am I dead? A-Ah, this must be heaven.”

“It is.”

“Ah—ha? HAA?”

 

I remembered that I was dead, which was fine. What surprised me was that Ninja Jesus was the one who answered me.

No, seriously, he was speaking from a hole in the ceiling!

 

Ninja Jesus jumped down, and the hole in the ceiling just magically sealed itself. Wait. He’s in normal clothes now. Things happened too fast. I just don’t understand.

 

“Saa~ Everyone~”

 

Jesus’s voice just got serious. Wait, but that first word though? I-I’m so confused…

 

He clapped and the space instantly changed into a round table. Instead of lying on the couch, I found myself properly seated on a chair.

All around me, there were more people than I remembered seeing earlier. Jesus and fam were here, yeah, but there were three more. There was a woman wearing knightly armor, a French-looking coat of arms emblazoned on the breastplate. Her hair was gold, but also they were like fluttering with fire. That’s kinda cool, actually…

There was an old man with a sagely beard that reached to his chest. In his right hand was a staff that looked like a withered old branch. Beside him was a teenager wearing a tunic, a satchel, and a tarnished bronze crown on his head.

 

“Mother, Father, Jeanne, David, and Moses—now that everyone’s here… the meeting for Operation Nuclear Surgery begins now!” Jesus announced, standing up with the brightest smile on his face.

 

Huh? I heard some strange names there? Operation Nuclear Surgery? What kind of name is that?! Well, I could tell who’s who just from how they look, now that I know their names, though. I can’t say I’m not a little bit flustered to just wake up and meet such people not 30 seconds later.

 

“And you, sir, are going to be the leading figure!” he said, pointing at me.

“J-Jesus…”

“I’m not sure why you keep saying my name, but it’s good to be recognized, I guess!”

 

Me? Really? I don’t know. I felt unusually exasperated. Rather, Jesus is actually pretty lively, huh? The Bible makes him out as this really wise guy with a holy charm, but I guess there’s more than one reason why people liked hanging around him, huh?

No, wait, that’s not the problem here!

 

“S- Sorry but… I’m still really, really confused here.”

 

Jeanne hit Jesus—literally a god—in the head with a flaming iron gauntlet. I think I forgot to catch my jaw. No one else had the same reaction as me.

So what, this was normal?!

Wait. Oi. Jesus’ head is bleeding. Guys, anyone have band-aids? Anyone? Is this something treatable with band-aids?

 

“Gafuh?!”

“Stupid god! Explain in a way that your child understands!”

“Okay, okay!”

 

H-Hey. Something’s wrong with Heaven’s hierarchy. Is he someone that’s supposed to be admonished? You can do that?

 

Jesus cleared his throat. He looked at me with a clearer expression than before. By the way, his head was still bleeding. I’m beginning to think that the French are more powerful than I thought.

Wait, come to think of it, everyone here was speaking in English. But… you’re Hebrew, you’re French, and you’re… say, pretty sure Moses was multilingual. I mean, he’s technically a border-crossing immigrant, and twice over at that.

 

“[REDACTED], you have been chosen.”

“Yes… rather, what was that first part?”

“[REDACTED].”

“Ha?”

“[REDACTED]? You don’t know your own name?”

 

Jeanne leaned in to whisper something into Jesus’ ear.

 

“Ah, right. Sorry, my child, but due to circumstances, you’re not allowed to learn your previous name. Of course, it will be a trouble if we couldn’t clearly refer to you, and so, from hereon, we will call you ‘Hero’.”

“…aaaahhhh so I’m getting reincarnated to fight the Big Bad, is that it?”

“Mhmm.” “Yeah, exactly!” “See? They catch on really fast.”

 

For some reason, the suspicious characters gathered here breathed a sigh of relief. Incidentally, the reason why Heaven’s top brass chose a weeb soul—yeah, that’s me—this time was because they already greatly understood this sort of cliche situation. The last soul they chose didn’t fare too well and hurt itself in its confusion.

 

“So? What, where, when, how, and erm… why?”

“Hero…”

 

Jesus gave a nod towards David, who stood up and faced me with such a regal expression that I had to actively resist the urge to get on one knee and bow my head.

 

“Hero, we will not spare any details. Heaven oversees many worlds, not just yours. However, yours in particular…”

“It’s pretty bad?”

“It’s pretty bad.”

 

So, David just completely agreed with me there, no hesitation, huh?

 

“In a future not too long since your first life’s end, the Board of Directors of the D’Mons Corporation will take control of the world—”

“That kind of naming sense…”

“Yes, such people with deep issues and a bad naming sense, one such as you cannot allow such an evil to rampage!”

 

He slammed the desk with his fist, emitting holy pressure that almost blew me away! Moses started patting the impassioned David’s shoulder to try and calm him down.

Also, I just noticed, but Jeanne had instantly come up behind me to brace my chair from being blown away. I turned my head in surprise and gave her a light thanks. She nodded.

David quickly drew his hand back, seeing everyone’s eyes shooting towards him, as if shouting Idiot! Don’t do that around normal souls! with their eyes.

“Ah, sorry— A-As I was saying, we will drop you into the midst of tumult of the world—ah, actually, it won’t be that bad for you, so don’t push yourself too hard. Anyway, by the time of your 25th birthday, the enemy will be at its peak, but also at its most fragile. Needless to say, you must be ready to act by then, or else your world will truly be lost.”

 

Man, I really don’t know what to say. That’s a lot more responsibility than I’ve ever shouldered.

Normally, I should be excited about this. I mean, I’m literally dead. This isn’t really my problem.

 

“I know what thou must be thinking… ’What can my meager self do?’”

It was the old man this time. I flinched a bit. He picked up on the cue. Damn it, self.

“Trust me, child, for I have stood in that position once. A long time ago.”

 

His words carried real weight. If it were anyone else, it’d probably just come off as something superficial, but if the most powerful immigrant in history said it—someone who suddenly had to shoulder the burden of leading a lot of people who probably even hated him at some point—then, just… damn, you know?

 

“Rejoice, for thou shall also receive cheats like me!”

"Eh? Water*ending?"

 

Jesus wheezed. Jesus understood that reference?!

 

"I havenst a thought as what thou and Jesus evidence to mean, but a time like mine is long passed, and such a thing as this… ’water*ending’ of yours is no longer needed. Make no mistake, the future of your world is not one of swords and sorcery, but of science and technology, and in some ways, I daresay, what thou must do shall inevitably be more terrifying than simply splitting the sea."

 

Anxiety was crawling up my face again when…

 

“As such! Thou shall be granted holy cheats!”

 

It’s like the old man knows the best timing to cut into my feelings. So he’s not just good at splitting the sea, but also the flow of the conversation, huh…

As if on cue, there was a panel displayed in front of me. Huh—normally I’d see this only after I’m already reincarnated, but they’re doing me a favor and showing it to me right now, huh?

 

“Thou must only think to ask, and thou shall see thy status tablet.”

“Moses, it’s called a screen.”

“Offer thine 3000-year elder a repose?”

“You’re just a few hundred years older than me, though…”

 

Ignoring Moses and David’s bickering, I examined my status screen. Just like Moses said, I thought ‘Status Off’ and the status went away, ‘Status On’ then I could see it again.

 

Instead of stuff like HP and MP though, there was a whole tab that just showed a medical map of my body, and I could click on layers to focus on stuff like ‘Only circulatory system’ or overlay ‘Nervous + Digestive System’. I could even see my blood pressure as a whole map, for some reason? I could click on a point and it shows its own blood pressure. I guess if there was a blockage somewhere, I could find it easily like this. It’s basically a super-convenient livestream of my current health, isn’t it? I can detect early stage cancers just like this, can’t I? This is unexpectedly really convenient, even if I’m not getting reincarnated into an RPG.

I mean, I’m really just being born in a future of my original world. If I lost my head, I’m dead, so something like the concept of HP doesn’t really apply. I guess that’s fair? I’m sad, though. I wish I could’ve experienced magic.

 

Haaa, somehow, isn’t this sort of… boring?

 

I may have spoken too soon. There were some words that I didn’t understand like “NT Charge” and “C/S Aptitude”. Honestly, half the stuff on the screen is just weird jargon. There was also a “Skills” tab, but I clicked on it and there wasn’t anything in it. I’d imagine that it didn’t really work in the same way as it does in most isekai stories, though. Nothing on the status screen showed that it did.

 

I mean, props to the UX designer for making it familiar, at least?

 

Just then, a light started wrapping around me.

 

“Wait, now?!”

“Ah, I’m sorry, my child,” Jesus said, “There was a time limit.”

“Mention that first! Aaaaahahaha~ I’m getting reincarnated~”

 

Whatever conflicted feelings I had, I set them aside for now. I was getting a second chance at life, after all—maybe I can finally get to live it, for once?

 

“Do not worry, my child. You can seek guidance from us in any Christian church.”

 

Ah, I can? Thank God (no, really).

 

I started levitating. Honestly, this is way too dramatic. Wasn’t this something that’s only supposed to happen when I’m ascending to somewhere? What’s with this overdone UX design choice?

 

“Oh, by the way—”

There was one thing I’d forgotten to ask.

“Where am I getting reincarnated?”

 

Areh? Weren’t they just throwing gazes at each other just now? My eyes landed on Jesus, and he started to speak.

“My child, I’m— going to get started on the next volume now~”

 

…This Son of God…

 

With a defeated sigh, Moses stood up. Somehow, I felt like we were secretly kindred spirits.

 

“Thou shall… shall… hmm…”

“Shall? Shall what? Moses?!”

“…in…s…”

“???”

 

The light was intensifying. I didn’t have much time. Please, o prophet, hand me my fate!

 

“…the Philippines…”

“Ha?”

“O HERO, THOU SHALL BE CAST INTO THE PHILIPPINES JUST LIKE MINE OWN GOD CAST ME INTO THE DESERT! NO HARD FEELINGS, SURELY, JUST LIKE MINE OWN THOUGHTS TOWARDS MY LORD!”

“whHHAAAAAAA??—”

 

 

“…whhaaaa~”

 

The cry of an infant sounded.

 

“Congratulations, Mrs. Akiino!”