After we cleaned up, I ended up falling asleep. When I wake up, he isn't around. Good.

It's selfish but I can't get myself to hug and be soft with another man. Now while I can't forget His Majesty.

I feel guilty.

Since that day that I fuck brother Bai like we are wild animals. I can't control myself when I'm with him

I feel bad. Brother Bai deserves someone who loves him and treats him well. All I can do it's give him pain and humiliation.

Two years pass like this until one day I wake up after we had sex and he is still on my bed. I feel his body burning next to mine. I check his forehead. He has a fever.

I was about to get up to go get him some medication when he grabs my arm and says:

-No Chang'er, don't leave this emperor again, please.

Shock, incredulity, happiness, love, hate, betrayal, I felt all sort of mixed feelings.

I wanted to hug him as much as I wanted to punch him.

Turns out His Majesty has been with me all this time. And here I was, feeling guilty and tormented because I was having sex with another man.

I wish he didn't have this fever; I wish he didn't say those words.

I take care of him all night until his fever goes down. Then I leave, despite being my own house, and leave him a note:

"Your Majesty. If you come looking for me, I will kill myself again".

I know that this is cruel. But these words are the only ones that can stop him from coming after me. It's cruel but I must use them, the Author knows well that I can't resist him when he is at my front.

I walk and walk and walk, not paying attention to where I go. I only come back at night. He is gone and so is the message I wrote him.

The next day, a little boy brings me a message from brother Bai. I store it without reading because I was afraid, I would waver if I read it.

Day's pass. I go to work and come back home. He hasn't appeared again. I refuse to feel disappointed because of it.

Today I was working when I suddenly hear a conversation between two cooks:

-Did you know about young master Bai?

-Yes, it's a pity, he was so young.

-Who could have done it?

-That...

-What happened to brother Bai? - I ask to them.

They look at me with a strange look.

-You were so close to him and you don't know? He died of poison days ago.

I almost could hear my heart shattering into pieces. I leave what I was doing and I run to brother Bai's house. I don't want to believe that he died. He can't have died. He must be alive.

But all that waits for me there is the confirmation that he really died. Because the servant tells me that I am the new house owner.

I run back home and with trembling hands, I take out the letter that brother Bai sent me:

"My dear Chang'er, when you read this, I won't be in this world anymore.

Don't blame yourself. It's not your fault. I just can't stop myself from going after you, so this is the only way for me to let you go. I know you can never forgive me.

I hope you find a good man or woman and live your life happy. I left all my belongings to you, do with them whatever you want.

I love you, my Chang'er"

My vision blurred and teardrops start falling on the letter. I sank to my knees and couldn't stop crying.

Why must you do this Dear Author? He already paid for his sins in his last life, why didn't you let him leave and be happy in this life?

Why did I send him that message? Why didn't I give him a chance? Why? Why? Why?