I fell flat on my ass in a forest in the middle of nowhere. At least the grassy surface was soft. I could have been dropped head-first onto a rock, or perhaps in the middle of the ocean somewhere. Then again, that might have been a relatively quick and painless way to go, compared to being eaten alive by wolves that were probably teeming in a place like this.

I checked my surroundings. 

Well, that is to say, I looked around briefly to ensure that there was nothing sneaking up on me from behind to take a bite out of my, well… behind. In my nearly twenty-five years of life, I had never been camping before, nor even gone on a hike. Needless to say, without four solid walls and civilization all around me, I was out of my element.

I was also butt-naked, owing to the fact that the Goddess had stripped me of every piece of gear that I had. I looked around to see if there were some leaves to cover my dangling parts, but there was nothing to be found in the vicinity.

Crap, what do I do now? 

Think, think. What was the first thing all those protagonists did in those isekai novels? Ah, right, they checked their status screen:

 

Name: Worm

Level: 1

Titles: Anti-Hero (Unequippable)

Class: None

 

HP: 10/10

SP: 5/5

MP: 3/3

 

Strength: 1

Agility: 1

Endurance: 1

Vitality: 1

Intelligence: 1

Wisdom: 1

 

That didn't help at all. In fact, it only served to make me feel even more depressed. My stats were terrible. I doubted very much whether I could even win a fight against a rat with my current abilities.

And why was my name Worm? How petty was this Goddess going to be?

I sighed. It was cold. I was hungry. Usually at this point in those novels, the protagonist would be inside of a castle somewhere, fully-clothed and warm, digging into a grand feast held by the king of some fantasy kingdom. There would either be a princess, or an inexplicably young and buxom saintess, who would lean over the edge of the table in order to explain their dire predicament:

'Oh, Hero! The kingdom is under attack by the Demon King and his Demon Army. They have already slaughtered countless thousands of our people. Only you have the power to stop them. If you do this, the whole kingdom will be in your debt, and we will grant you anything—ANYTHING—you could possibly desire.'

At that point, the Hero would then ****, and then ****, and maybe a little ****. He would then be sent back to his own world after defeating the Demon King, where he would basically be a living god, thus allowing him plenty of opportunity to engage in **** or perhaps even ****.

I think I may have gotten a little sidetracked here. That may have been the plot for an entirely different sort of novel. The kind with lots of pictures and plenty of action happening on the page, with such an engaging story that the reader couldn't help but feel extremely tired afterwards and want to go to sleep.

Anyways, back to the topic at hand…

My stats were crap. The Goddess wanted me dead. My only chance to survive now was to find a way to obtain a super rare class or an overpowered ability, either through sheer, dumb luck or—

Hold up. In video games, the developers would often include some secret cheat or an easter egg, often discoverable in the starting area through a series of complex button inputs. As this was a fantasy game world, there was no reason why it should be any different.

If my memory serves correctly, there used to be an old game I used to play, where the following combination granted the user an unlimited machine gun, which would of course be very useful in a fantasy world:

Up down, X O △ ⹗, rotate analog stick clockwise, rotate analog stick counter-clockwise, R1 L2 R2 L1, hold the controller perpendicularly, press the Select button. 

It wouldn't hurt to try. I had nothing to lose, after all. Only problem was, I didn't have a controller. Or rather, my body was the controller in this case. How on earth was I going to… 

A strange idea suddenly popped into my head. 

Right as I was about to engage in an awkward fusion dance that I definitely didn't rip off from a beloved, long-running anime series, I saw a weird-looking tree out of the corner of my eye. I don't know how I didn't notice it sooner. It was the kind of tree that might as well have giant neon lights hanging off its branches, because of how obvious it was that it was a secret, hidden objective of some sort.

I breathed a sigh of relief, not able to believe my luck. Maybe I wasn't going to die after all.

I hurried over to the tree and gave the trunk three sharp, hard taps. When that didn't do anything, I knocked again, harder this time. Still nothing. Maybe there was a trick to it. Like a secret pattern of some sort. Let's see…  Knock knock… knock knock. Knock… knock knock knock. Knock knock knock knock knock. Knock knock knock knock. Knock knock knock. Knock knock. Knock.

"Will you knock it off already?"

I leapt back in alarm. "Who's there?"

"I think I'm the one who's supposed to be asking that." 

A tiny door swung open on the side of the tree that I hadn't noticed before. Out walked a small, gnome-like creature, with beady eyes, its hands on its hips, watching me with an extremely disgruntled expression on its face.

"I'm sorry to disturb you uh…. sir…" I said lamely.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" it asked.

I wanted to say that I was trying to unlock a super secret hidden class or obtain an overpowered 'cheat' skill that would allow me to conquer the world, but that already sounded stupid in my head, so instead I replied, "I'm lost, so I was looking for help in getting back to town."

It stared at me for a second suspiciously. "Why are you naked?"

"Uh…" I thought quickly about how to explain the situation. Just saying I was taking a 'nature walk' wouldn't work. Neither would the truth: 

'Ah… yes… tree gnome sir, you see, I was minding my own business when I was struck by a bus—that's basically like a big carriage in your world—and died, and a crazy Goddess kidnapped me and forced me to come here, but not before stripping me naked, and dropping me in the middle of a forest after insulting my cooking and my mother.'

'As for why I was knocking on your tree… Well, you see, your world is actually a game world like in an RPG, and I was knocking on your tree house to try and unlock a secret skill—what's an RPG? Oh, well, it's like, a game, you know, a game? But there's like levels, and skills, and stats… and usually it's turn-based. I'm sorry? You have no idea what I'm talking about? You want me to leave? Okay, okay, relax, there's no need to get out the crossbow…'

…is probably how that interaction would go. Therefore, 

"I was taking a walk in the forest when a group of bandits held me up at knifepoint and took away all my clothes and valuables," I explained.

"I see." The creature nodded its head slowly, but I could see it still wasn't convinced.

"Do you… do you have any clothes that I could borrow?" I asked.

The creature looked at me as if I had just asked the stupidest question in the world. Which, in a way, I probably had. "None that would fit you," it replied in an exasperated tone.

"Daddy! Daddy!"

From somewhere behind me, I heard the excited squealing of children. Oh no. I was already having a bad time, but now I potentially was going to expose my pasty buttocks to eyes too innocent for this world. I looked for some place to hide, but it was too late, the sounds were too close…

"Take this, quick!" the gnome creature had somehow magicked up a large sheet seemingly out of thin air.

"What is it?" I asked as I urgently wrapped it around my waist.

"It's the rug from my living room floor," the creature explained.

My hands moved faster than they had ever moved before, which was quite an achievement, given that I hadn't watched any sort of stimulating videos beforehand. With one final tug on the hem, my makeshift skirt was complete. I had made it just in time. The day was saved, along with the innocence of children.

Uncontrollable giggling followed these thoughts of mine. I looked around in confusion. 

"Daddy, what's a human doing here?" a young girl's voice asked.

Large, green eyes peeked out from the cover of the branches above us. How did they get there? More importantly, when did they get there?

"And why is he naked?" a second voice followed.

"And why is he using our living room rug as pants?" a third voice continued.

I looked at the father gnome. He looked at me. We froze there for a brief few seconds before his parenting instincts kicked in. 

"Uh…  he is a friend," the gnome said.

"Friend? But Daddy, you said humans are dangerous, and we should stay away from them!" The little gnome girl sounded very cross.

"Your father is right," I said, clearing my throat. "Humans are very dangerous, and you should stay away from them. But I am an exception. I am a friend."

"But you look just like every other human," the second voice said. "How do we know you're not dangerous and they are?"

"It's the clothes!" the third voice shouted, seemingly very proud of itself at having uncovered the answer. "The other humans wore clothes. This one doesn't. No clothes is safe. Am I right?"

"No! No!" I said in a panic. "You got it all wrong. No clothes is more dangerous! Much more dangerous! Please run away if you see someone coming towards you with no clothes."

"But you have no clothes," the little gnome girl pointed out.

"Well, uh… you see," I mumbled, "my clothes were stolen from me, so it's different. Completely different."

Things were quiet for a while as the three gnome children tried to absorb what I had just told them. In the meantime, the gnome father stared daggers at me, as if I had somehow made things worse.

"Anyways," I said, trying to change the subject. "How've you been, uh… old friend?"

The gnome hesitated for a moment before catching on to what I was doing. "I was feeling fine this morning," he said, clearing his throat, "but for some reason, I've suddenly got the damnedest of headaches. I would invite you to come stay for dinner, but unfortunately, I think I've got to go lie down." He made a great show of rubbing his forehead and pretending as though he was in pain.

"Oh, no problem, no problem, uh… old chap," I said, awkwardly. "I'll come visit another time then. Let's uh… let's shake on it." I extended a hand.

With some reluctance, the gnome returned the gesture. 

 

<Hidden Quest Complete: [Forest Friends For Life!]>

You have struck up an unlikely friendship with the reclusive [Forest Gnome]. Few adventurers are even aware that this old creature of the forest exists, due to its innate wariness and caution around humans. Although physically weak, [Forest Gnomes] have sharp eyesight and surprisingly powerful magic abilities that they will use to defend themselves when threatened.

Rewards: 

EXP +100

Hidden Skill: [Bushwhack]

 

Hidden Skill: [Bushwhack]

Throw an item at a target, dealing random, non-elemental damage.

 

Wait a minute. I stood there for a minute in awe. Did what I think happened just happen? Did I really just get a super secret overpowered skill of some sort? 

I felt a rare rush of excitement that I hadn't felt in years. 

Booyah! Huzzah! Banzai! I shouted internally as I leapt up into the air.

"Daddy, why didn't you tell Mommy that you had a human friend?" I heard the little girl ask the gnome.

Was the Goddess watching? I bet she was watching. I raised my hand up to the blue sky above and made a gesture, not with my middle finger, because there were children around, but a suitable one nonetheless. Then I made a series of air thrusts in an upwards direction, to show her how she could go 'suck a big fat one'. I ended my celebration with a triumphant scream and a vigorous beating of my chest.

"Never mind, Daddy, I think I know why," I heard the little girl say when she thought I was out of earshot.