The peaceful and quiet atmosphere we experienced at Christmas was really the calm before the storm that would ensue. The second we arrived back at the academy we could feel the pressing atmosphere and the pressure from all the teachers to perform as well as we could. This was the first time the academy would come out with results, and they needed to prove that all of us made progress since the entry exams at Flagey 6 months ago. I heard that a lot of the sponsors were bringing people over to show off their investments, and poor performance would without a doubt endanger their continuing support. So, it was safe to say the board was on edge and an unreasonable amount of pressure fell on us, the students, that needed to meet these expectations.

My entire days were filled with rehearsals with the ensemble and the orchestra, and the rest of my free time got eaten away by other students asking questions or needing guidance on how to perform better. It was crazy how so many people seem to think I had the answer to everything. Well, I guess that was my role as the conductor, but still… I had not expected it to be so intensive. Not that I really resented conducting, but I had to admit that I really hoped that after this concert, I would be able to focus back on my cello a little more since I felt a lot more at ease practicing by myself. Being the center of everything like this was very tiring and took a lot of energy out of me. I started to understand why dad was working so many long days.

The school had extended the curfew by an hour, and this week, Nastya and I weren’t the only ones playing until late. As a matter of fact, the same volume of instruments practicing was present during the daytime as right until the curfew. It was clear that everyone wanted this concert to go smoothly.

After curfew, Nastya visited my room, but instead of just talking about anything, we talked mostly about the concerto. We brainstormed ideas, and every time she made small changes to her interpretation of the piece, I needed to accommodate those with the orchestra. I felt like we were really making this piece our own, and once we performed it, it would be something we shared forever. Our first concerto. I noticed a smirk on my face each time these kinds of thoughts entered my mind.

Sara and Axelle seemed to be doing just fine. Sara still visited me to ask for advice, but their relationship was at a point where she was now a lot more experienced than I had ever been. Not that I had told her that. I could not let my junior know that she surpassed me…  But you would not believe the stories she told me with a straight face. They often made me blush and apparently, she had even managed to make Axelle feel overwhelmed at times. Ever since she started dating Axelle it was like something had been unleashed in her. You would never imagine such stories from the girl that was too shy and had trouble laying contact with new people only a year ago.

It was time for the final touches… I was putting the cufflinks in the shirt of the black tuxedo that I had to wear as the conductor today. I felt a bit uncomfortable in this getup, but these were the traditional clothes for a conductor, so there was not really any way around it.

“Don’t forget the hairclip.” Rosalinde reminded me, while I was staring in the mirror. “We can’t protect you if you aren’t wearing that.

Today was the day we hoped to confront Nastya’s dad. I did not know what kind of plan Lise and Rosalinde made, but they seemed quite confident that they would pull it off. It would all depend on Nastya being right about the sign though.

I clipped on the hairclip and now that my hair was starting to become a little longer, I could see how much I had started to resemble my mother. I remember the tantrums that I used to make each time someone pointed that out, but right now I felt grateful because in a way I felt like my mom was with me each time I looked into the mirror.

“Are you ready, it’s about time.” Nastya had come to pick me up. The new year’s concert was more like an open house festival with different concerts all over the place. The performance of the orchestra would close the day this evening. The bulk of the day was filled with class concerts. There was a small concert hall for each dorm. My only performance would be the Saint Cecilia ensemble and the orchestra. They had not allowed me to perform solo today because of Aleksei’s absence, and frankly, it would have been impossible to prepare for both.

Nastya was in the same boat as me for that matter. She did not have the time to prepare for a smaller performance. So, before getting ready we had spent the afternoon watching our friends perform together until it was time for the ensemble to take to the stage.

I opened the door and noticed that Nastya was wearing a modest black dress.  We decided that everyone would wear black for the performance of the ensemble. She had told me that she would change her dress again for the concerto afterward. She would have time while the orchestra played the classic Strauss Waltzes. Even though it was just a simple dress, I could not help but think that the way Nastya carried herself made it look really elegant. I on the other hand felt like a clown wearing this type of tuxedo. I guess it came with the job…

Nastya looked at me perplexed. For a second, I thought she was going to burst out laughing, but then she said “You look really handsome. You go well in a suit.”

I thought she was poking fun at me, but when I looked into her eyes, I could see she really meant it. I felt a blush come up to my cheeks and answered “Thanks, I think you look very elegant too.”

“If you think this is elegant, just wait until you see the dress grandpa bought me for the concerto,” Nastya said in a teasing voice.

“I think it is you that make it elegant. Not the dress itself. I think you could make anything look elegant.”

Nastya looked a bit shaken by my words and I could see a blush appear on her cheeks. “What on earth are you saying? I-idiot.” She gave me a little punch on my shoulder, but the lack of force showed that she was more embarrassed than angry, which put a grin on my face.

“I did not mean anything by it. I just said what I was thinking.”

“I will have you take responsibility; you know.” She took me by my arm and guided me out of my room towards Saint Cecilia’s class concert hall. It was a small hall with maybe 100 seats that had been prepared, but many people were standing behind the chairs since there were no more empty seats. Luckily for us, we could enter through the next room, or it might have been difficult to reach the stage.

 I took a peek at the crowd and noticed that Aleksei sat in the front row in a wheelchair. I could see that he was irritated beyond measure by the old lady next to him that was trying to make conversation with him.

Aunt Christina and Inge sat in the third row. Aunt Christina had really never missed a single one of my performances. They were talking to Tine and Annie who had taken up the time to come and watch.

Without my asking, Annie had told me they would come to show me support. “We all became friends, over the course of the year, so of course, Tine and I will come.” She told me while I was visiting Tine in their room after they asked me what I would do at the concert.

At first, I had visited Tine, fearing something like a mandatory psychologist visit, but those talks soon became more than a mandatory talk about my mental state and we were just talking a bit about everything that was going on at school and in my life over a cup of tea and Tine told me in return a lot about her life and her relationship with Annie. Maybe it was because our talks weren’t just a one-way street that we grew closer. In any case, I was happy they were here to show support.

“Ahum!” I immediately noticed Frank’s nervous cough. “No need to be more nervous just because some famous talent scouts and several of our sponsors are watching. You guys have practiced, and I know you can do it!”

Frank was clearly nervous beyond measure. “Please don’t make me more nervous than I was already.”

“Sorry, I just started to lose it when the Duchess insisted on talking with Aleksei… I just hope he manages to behave. I told him it was important for Nastya and you.”

So that was why Aleksei sat there irritated biting his tongue. I felt sorry for Frank now. Having to count on Aleksei’s communication skills sounded like a dangerous gamble…

I should put Frank out of his misery. “Let’s go out and play music,” I said to my ensemble. The sooner we got out there, the sooner they would no longer be able to talk.

While I remained behind, everyone went out on stage and sat down. The crowd instantly grew silent. Before going out there too, I took another peek. I noticed Aleksei looked relieved that the musicians came out, but the lady next to him was still smiling. I guess he behaved for now. “That was close… You never know with him” Frank said. I could see a sweat pearl coming down from his forehead. I gave him a worried smile in response. I knew the Aleksei effect all too well and had experienced it firsthand several times.

While Nastya took up her responsibility to perform a final tuning check I felt the nerves hit me. I could feel my hands shaking. This would be my first performance as a conductor and I wasn’t half as confident about my conducting skills as my cello skills. I opened the box that was holding my father’s conducting baton. The second I picked it up I felt an overwhelming surge go through me.

In front of me, I saw my father’s orchestra, but the image immediately dissipated into the Saint Cecilia ensemble. I noticed my hands were no longer shaking. This was it. With a determined stride, I walked out there. The second people noticed me applause ensued. I turned around and made a little bow before making my way to my music stand.

That little move was what my father used to do. But why the hell did I just copy that quirky move of his? Was I really that nervous? No… I did not feel as nervous as usual. This was something else. I looked at the scores in front of me and my eyes went over them like lighting. A smile formed on my face; I raised my baton. I could feel the tension in the air, as everyone both the public and the musicians were waiting for me to make the first move.

With a determined wave I started, and Fabio’s oboe broke the silence as we traveled into the bizarre world of Stravinsky’s Sacre du Printemps.

The next moment I remembered ear-shattering applause brought me out of my stupor. What on earth had happened? Since everyone was smiling at me, I suppose everything went as it should, but I felt like I had spectated the concert instead of conducting it.

I gave a sign to everyone to stand up and bow and turned around to bow with them to the public, but in front of me stood the ghost of my dad. I felt tears pop up in my eyes in front of an applauding audience. “Thank you for indulging me. You trained them well. I am glad we got to share one performance.”

I shook my head. So, all these times that I lost myself, it had been my dad helping me… It was so typical of him to just do it instead of asking if I wanted his help. I remembered he had always been like that. Mom could get angry at him when he did that to her. My mind failed to understand one thing though. There had been no sign. I had not been looking for my father’s sign at all, and there was nothing that connected my father to Stravinsky…

“But how? There was no sign…”

“The baton.” He answered. “My sign was my baton.”

Knowing that we did not have much time, I uttered the words “I forgive you,” as solemn as I could. His eyes locked onto mine, and he knew I wasn’t just talking about him messing with the performance, but about the anger and resentment that he separated me from Lise. That he made me the only survivor of that accident.

Dad got a smile on his face gave me a head pat and a kiss on my forehead while disappearing he said the words “Goodbye my daughter. Make sure to live a happy life.”

“Say hi to mom for me.”