12th March, 2015
Tuesday (06:00 AM)
I woke up quite early today, excited to write further. Mr. Jansha was right it seems like, writing this down, does feel quite good. But should I write down everything I think about? just like I did right now, or just now...... oh yes, I was going to write about the December incident.
I wonder where should I start it.....would, from the beginning be good?....
meh! let's not think too much.
So, during my time of acting or trying to behave 'normal', as they would say, I started observing and realizing various things about myself and the others.
The interesting thing I observed or saw you can say, was that Mana was always following after Aran and would always stick by his side, cheering for him while we were playing, always taking his side if a quarrel occurred. I found her behaviour quite similar to mine so I thought that she was sticking to Aran like I was sticking to Shreya. 'Could it be that both of us similar?' I remember this question coming to my mind.
I asked Mana about it and for an unknown reason, she became shy, started stuttering and her cheeks turned slightly red and I became surprised! quiet shocked even. I couldn't wrap my head around that reaction and change in personality. I thought we were both similar, but that reaction made it clear that her reasoning for following Aran was something much different from mine.
I remember feeling sad about it. The reason? very dumb, now that I think about it. It was...if I can remember correctly....hmmm, more like a feeling of a disappointment than sadness. I was disappointed that Mana was not similar to me.
But that strange reaction stuck to my mind, I had never seen someone act like that. My curiosity grew and I asked Shreya about it.
After listening to me, her expression became dark and angry. Again I was surprised that always composed Shreya could show such emotion. My curiosity skyrocketed! 'What is it, that made these two act like this?' I wanted an answer to my question, I needed to know what made them change so suddenly? I pestered Shreya again and again, to tell me, to tell me why she suddenly became so angry. After constant pestering of nearly 10 minutes, she answered.
LOVE, she said.
love? what's that? it was the first time I had heard of it.
I became interested in this thing called 'Love' and asked the nuns about it, they gave me some storybooks with extremely happy faces and again I was surprised, 'This love thing, also made these nuns show an expression they never showed me before'. Now I definitely had to uncover this thing called 'Love' which made people show such vivid and rich expressions.
I read various books on 'Love' the nuns gave me and discovered various things like romance, kiss, confessions, Love triangles, sweet moments etc... but the thing that intrigued me the most was this thing called 'Jealousy'. This was the thing that made people do some pretty fun and unique stuff. Reading about this 'Jealousy', I also realized why I pestered my mother about father so much.
It was because I was apparently 'Jealous' of other children having this father thing in their life, why didn't I had this thing? that thought made me 'Jealous' it seems like and was one of the reasons among many why I apparently 'Bullied' them, no need to say that I also felt happy and quite ecstatic about it.
But now I knew, that it was the combination of 'LOVE' and 'JEALOUSY' that made Shreya and Mana make that expression.
I realized 'Jealousy' or more broadly 'Love' is quite an interesting little thing.
After that, I observed more and more children at the orphanage, in order to discover more things like 'Love' and see different kinds of expressions these children make during various situations and I remember having the time of my life doing this. It was the most fun that I ever had coming to that orphanage.
As I accidentally overheard many conversations and talked with children while acting normal, I realized what wonders correct information could do. By releasing this information in a correct manner, you can make people do things they normally don't and see expressions you can only imagine in your wildest dreams. It was like I am the puppet master, controlling so many children's life.
It felt good, it felt exhilarating, but most supreme was that I felt alive.
Excitement filled me every day, energy surged through me every day. Seeing those children behave as I want, make them act around my fingers, making them fight each other, contempt each other, hate each other...made me feel worthy.
I was making a change, I wasn't useless like mother told me, Mother was wrong. She was wrong about me, I wasn't an unwanted child.....I was needed. I was needed as someone these children could hate on, someone who would tell them the truth, someone who would shred their pretend friendships, their false relationships.
But writing about it...I wonder if all of these were just excuses I made. But excuses for what? excuses for me playing with children? excuses for me to feel good about myself? excuses for me to make mother words wrong? or something else entirely?
I don't know, but do I even want to know?
Hmm...anyways! I'm just 11 right now, there's a whole life to figure out these things. But coming back to the topic, so, while playing with all the children, December came.
Till now I only had fun with children who were not close to me so I thought what would it feel like if I did this stuff to my 3 close friends? Shreya, Mana, and Aran. My reputation in the orphanage was pretty bad right now, many children realized that the person spreading rumours and their secrets around was me. How did they discover? well, I didn't do a good job of covering up or hiding.
But thanks to that now I know that to do stuff like that again I would also have to cover-up nicely and make people not suspicious of me. But anyway, I started observing my 3 friends more attentively while feigning ignorance to all the stuff other children talked about me. Acting innocent and docile you may say so that they would think again before doing something to me.
Where did I learn all this stuff? well, mostly from watching tv and reading books, but also my own experimentation, figuring out how they would behave if I acted this certain way or that way. The base of all this being the various ways I saw these children act in various situations, and from that figuring out the general reaction they would have to most situations.
Again, going back to my three friends. I observed that those 3 were in a 'Love triangle' with both girls apparently having 'romantic feelings' for the boy and the boy had conflicted feelings for both of them. He was indecisive, he didn't know which girl to pick. He felt that if he chose one, then the other would feel sad, he wanted their relationship to remain friendly.
But according to me, those were just various excuses he made. By not doing anything, he was hurting both of them. The boy didn't want change, the changes their current relationship would have in the future made him indecisive. Of course, the two girls were stupid too. They just thought that the fault was within themselves, and not within their prince charming. They were probably just blinded by their feelings to see the real picture and realize for what garbage they have fallen for.
Now while writing this, I once again realize how amazing this thing 'Love' is, making such complicated situations, making people so strange.
During mid-December, I think? I saw Mana and Aran going somewhere isolated in the orphanage. As I was observing them, I suddenly had an idea. This thing couldn't go on forever, it was just getting boring or you could say that my patience ran dry.
I called Shreya to come and meet me where both of them have gone. While she was on the way, I hid somewhere near and just observed the whole situation or the act play out in front of me, from the front seat.
Shreya saw Mana and Aran being very close to each other, she started silently crying and just ran away. 'What? just that?' I remember thinking, feeling rather disappointed. But I also felt one other emotion, the one I haven't ever felt.
I got a new feeling of 'guilt' out of it.
After that, I researched what this 'guilt' is, I didn't experience it when I had fun with other children so I guessed this only arises when you have fun with someone close to you. I realized if there is 'guilt' then there must other new emotions you can get by having fun with friends.
Next week I called Mana to the backside of the orphanage, but before that, I also called Shreya and Aran there. Again hiding somewhere near. I thought, what if nothing happened because it was Shreya who caught them. Reactions of humans differ, so there was a high chance that Mana being in the same situation can possibly act differently from Shreya. There is a possibility that she would do something more than just crying and running away.
And my Hypothesis turned out correct.
Shreya told Aran about the thing she saw him doing with Mana and Aran got panicked, he started explaining that it was all Mana's fault, Mana was the one who pushed him. Obviously, he was lying and even though it was so clear, Shreya somehow believed it and I just thought, 'WOW! how amazing is this thing called Love'. Making children so dumb, clouding their judgment to such lengths or it could be just that their actions had nothing to do with 'Love' and that they are literally just stupid and dumb from the beginning.
But as expected Mana came and caught those two red-handed, she saw them cuddling up to each other, holding hands and flirting.
And this time, Mana didn't disappoint. She immediately barged on to their flirting and confronted them. Strangely, again acting dumb, she went for Shreya instead of their prince charming and a catfight started.
During the quite entertaining fight between the 2 girls, Aran tried to calm them down but both of them just pushed him away and two of them just fought.
I got extreme pleasure and excitement out of it, I was witnessing the best show of my life. The best part being, it was all directed by me.
Sadly, it soon ended after nun came and stopped it after that the 3 of them got separated and never talked to each other again, probably realizing their dumbness. They also realized that I was the one who directed their whole drama.
Again, I failed to cover up perfectly.
After our separations, I became the most hated, scorned and feared existence in the orphanage. I got a very strange feeling of ecstasy from it, knowing that now nobody in the orphanage will forget about me for the rest of their life. They will remember me for their entire lives, even if as their worst nightmare.
My expression of 'Love' and 'Jealousy' became even more delightful as it was so easily able to destroy these children's relationships and friendship but I also got new feelings of 'Sadness', 'Higher Guilt', and felt shitty about myself. But the immense fun and enjoyment I got out of this, was just unforgettable.
'This is what it means to be alive' I remember thinking with a huge grin on my face.
I was at peace with myself, there were no conflicts going inside my mind. Everything was clear, everyone in the orphanage now had broken relationships just like my mother and thus I realized my true self.
I was not the devil those children named me, I was not an evil demon.
I just show people the truth.
I show them the reality they try to run away from.
I'm their benefactor.
I'm their Messiah.
"haaahh...haahh...fuu.. " just writing about it makes me feel so alive and good.
It's already 8:00 AM, better get ready to have breakfast with my new Family.