[Mehak's POV]

Tears won't stop coming from my eyes, I don't know why I am smiling.

Am I changing? I can't understand all these emotions that are violently going around in my head right now, Am I going crazy? Is this what Mayuri also feels? Am I getting closer to Mayuri right now?.

I don't know! I don't know! I don't know! I don't know!.

I am still eavesdropping Jyoti Sharma's conversation and whenever I see those eyes of her that are filled with disgust and her voice that is full of contempt as she is making assumptions about my relationship with Mayuri, these unknown feelings grow even wilder.

But these feelings and emotions do not feel uncomfortable as I do know that these all are for the sake of my love for Mayuri. So maybe that's why I am smiling?.

But then what about these unruly tears? is this because of all these wild feelings? or is this because I don't know what I should do to save the situation?.

So am I crying at my own uselessness?.

But I do know I have to do something! I also know that the obvious course of action here is to tell Mayuri but she's sick so-s0....................... No, that's just an excuse. I just want to do something in this relationship by myself, so that I don't feel useless.

Wanting Mayuri to be proud of me is also just a partial truth, I think I just want to be proud of myself.

Even though I know Mayuri doesn't think of me as a burden in the relationship, but I myself sometimes think that I am a burden and I don't want that feeling.

AH! I see these wild feelings swirling inside me are of hatred, disgust, anger, and self-mockery I feel towards myself mixed with a will to do something by myself.

.

.

.

Now I feel that my mind is clear, all those emotions are now gone as I realized what's happening to me. Tears have stopped flowing. Right now I have a feeling that I can do anything to save our relationship.

Now I am sure that I am getting more closer to Mayuri and realizing this the smile on my face becomes wider. 

Right now I am tailing Jyoti Verma, who with the boy is going towards the beach.

Just thinking about her looks when she was talking about our relationship makes my blood start boiling and a strong desire to torture her arises within my body, but this also confirms my fear of people finding out about us. Now I know that everyone will think the same and try to make our lives worse still, there may be some who will accept it but not knowing if the next person who finds out about it will be that type of person makes my distrust grow even stronger.

So no one can find out about us and now that this Jyoti Verma has found out, something has to be done or our future will be bleak.

They have reached the beach and are now resting on the bench while cuddling next to each other. Now, what to do?.

Even though my mind is clear right now, I still can't think of what to do, just think harder, harder, harder, HARDER!.

My heart is pounding pretty fast, even though my mind is clear, why? why? is my heart pounding frantically? why am I shaking? why can't I still not think of anything?.

' YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS YOU SHOULD DO '

HUH!? wh-what was that? I am hearing someone's voice.

' YOU CAN DO ANYTHING RIGHT NOW '

WHAT THE FUCK! wh-ehhh wh-what, where's this voice coming from?.

The voice sounds familiar, I look around but there's no one here except for me and those two.

' YOU HAVE TO DO IT '

Shut up! I also know I have to do something!.

But why! why! does this voice sound so familiar and where's is this person, I can't see him.

' THEN WHY ARE YOU STILL HESITATING? '

Hh-Huh! I am hesitating? b-but I have hardened my resolve. I am not he-he-hesitating!.

' THEN WHY CAN'T YOU SAY IT CLEARLY '

What? I-I can say it cl-cleary.

' NO, YOU CAN'T '

Shut UP! why is the voice mocking me?.

' IS YOUR LOVE SO WEAK '

Shut UP! why is the voice questioning me?.

' SHE WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR YOU WITHOUT HESITATION '

I know! th-that's why I also can do anything for her! why am I responding to everything the voice says?.

' NO, YOU CAN'T, YOU ARE JUST TALK AND NOTHING ELSE '

Shut UP! You are wrong!.

' THEN DO SOMETHING, YOU ALREADY HAVE A PLAN '

No! I don't have a plan! If I had a plan I would have implemented it right away!.

' NO YOU HAVE A PLAN, YOU ARE JUST TURNING A BLIND EYE TOWARDS IT '

Huh? I have a plan? th-then why can't I think of it?.

' BECAUSE YOU ARE STILL SCARED OF DOING SOMETHING WITHOUT HER HELP '

I am....I am scared? bu-but it's true I want to do something by myself! th-then why am I scared?.

' CAUSE YOU DON'T BELIEVE, JUST BELIEVE IN YOUR SELF '

Believe in my self?.

' YES, YOU CAN DO ANYTHING SHE DOES AND EVEN BETTER '

I-I can? an-and better?.

' YES, AFTER ALL, YOU ARE MADLY IN LOVE WITH A DEVIL '

! ! !

' AFTER ALL, SOMEONE HAS TO BE THE CRAZIEST TO FALL FOR A DEVIL '

I-I am crazy? no............. maybe that's right, after all, I don't feel anything other than a passion for Mayuri even when she acts like a devil.

' SO STOP BEING SCARED AND ACT '

act?.

' YES ACT, DON'T BE AFRAID, YOU HAVE THE WILL, YOU JUST HAVE TO MOVE YOUR BODY '

I was pretty sure, I could do it even after figuring everything out, but I guess somewhere deep inside I am still scared.

' SO WHAT ARE YOU SCARED OF REALLY? '

Scared of these changes happening inside me, Scared whether or not I would succeed by myself, Scared of will I turn into something that Mayuri would hate.

' THERE ARE NO CHANGES HAPPENING INSIDE YOU, YOU ARE JUST RUNNING AWAY FROM YOUR TRUE SELF '

I...I am running away? wh-what do you mean my true self!.

' YOU ARE AFRAID OF ACKNOWLEDGING THAT YOU ARE A GARBAGE OF A HUMAN BEING '

! ! ! ! !

' BUT DON'T WORRY SHE WOULD STILL ACCEPT YOU '

I know, I know she would, NO! she will, bu-but there's still a small doubt somewhere deep inside.

' THAT'S THE CAUSE OF FEAR, SO WILL YOU LET THAT SMALL FEAR RUIN EVERYTHING? '

No! absolutely not!.

' THEN DO IT, TAKE THE RISK OR YOU CAN JUST GET HER HELP '

No! I will do it myself, it is completely selfish of me, but I have to prove myself to ME!.

'Are you hesitating'.

NO!

'Are you scared'.

YES!

'Will you let the fear get to you'.

NO!

'You know what to do?'.

YES!

'Who loves whom more'.

ME! I LOVE HER MORE THAN SHE DOES

'Are you willing to do anything for her'.

YES!

'Can you become a piece of a shit person for her?'.

YES! I was already a piece of shit when I accompanied Mayuri in torturing Abhi

'Do you regret it'.

NO! after all, he deserved it and it made Mayuri ....... no, it made us happy

'Will she accept you even after this'.

YES! AND IF SHE DOESN'T THEN I WILL MAKE HER ACCEPT IT!

'Your heart calm now?'.

Yes, both my mind and heart are calm now, the shaking has stopped.

My vision is clear now, but I think something important inside me as a human has vanished.

As I don't feel anything for the girl who knows our secret. I don't feel anything thinking about the shit I am about to do to her.

I just feel excited thinking about torturing her, I just feel happy and relieved about acknowledging my dirty self.

I feel like a huge burden that I had in the back of my mind ever since I read Mayuri's Diaries just went away by realizing that I am a piece of shit.

Even if am like this, Mayuri will accept me as I also accepted her even though she's a devil but a loveable devil as she herself doesn't think of it as anything bad.

I have been trying to get close to Mayuri by trying to feel the emotions she does, but we are two different beings, just like she has her own unique way of thinking and emotions, I also have my own uniqueness and if I lose it by trying to think like Mayuri then our relationship will just become stale and boring.

I smile at my own self-mockery, Yes! I don't have to be like Mayuri, I am my own person.

But what was that voice? it sounded so familiar, it pointed out all the things I have been thinking deep inside but was afraid to admit.

HUH?! was I speaking to myself!?.

Now that I think, there's no one here except me and those two, s0-so.......... ahhhhhhhh! so embarrassing!.

I covered my face with both of my hands and started squirming.

Fuck! that was embarrassing, glad no one saw that.

But on the bright side, I know what to do right now, what I should do in the future and what type of person I am.

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.

.

.

Jyoti and the boy stood up from the bench and started walking near the shore. I kept observing them till the very end and followed them when they entered their hotel which is the same as ours.

Their room no. is 218 which is below our floor.

Now that I know their whereabouts, I will start working early morning as Mayuri's fever still hasn't improved so I will have all day tomorrow to myself.

My heart is beating with excitement, my face is getting flushed, my arms are itching with anticipation, I can't stop smiling.

Just like I thought I really am a piece of shit as a human, but that makes me happy.

[Author's POV]

I tried doing some deep psychological Shit, for the first time so hope you enjoyed it.

If there's any tip you have to improve the writing then do feel free to share it.

Any help good or bad is appreciated.

IMPORATNT!!!!!

I thought of a fun idea, if some people can make some covers for this novel, then I will change the cover to that one.

Every old cover will be replaced by new cover after 3 days.

Don't worry about looks, just submit it even if it looks like the worst shit in the world.

So do tell me if you people like the idea, so that I can implement it.

ALSO, WE ARE CLOSE TO 100 HEARTS, SO DO CLICK THAT HEART IF YOU ENJOYED READING.

ALSO, RATE THIS FLUFFY NOVEL!