It was a Friday morning as Antony entered the Computer Store™ where he worked. There was his work colleague, Little Timothy, who worked as a stock boy.

"Gee, Mr. Antony," said the impressionable boy, "You sure are rich and famous and super good looking. You are a plastic surgeon with amazing skills and enough money to pay my college debt 10 times over while the next 7 generations of my family will inherent my college debt, but it'll all worth it for the gender studies certification that they told me to get."

"Ah yes," said Antony to the little wage-slave, "I am all that, aren't I?"

"Sure is. You're the bees knees. But why are you working in a Computer Store™ when you can live in the biggest mansion, so big that it can house the entire homeless population, and have more than enough money to feed them?"

"Yes, I do live in a mansion that requires three zip codes and I shoot anyone on sight since it counts as a municipality and I happen to be the mayor and can do whatever I want with the few immigrants I allow in when I feel like having "entertainment", don't I? So why do I work in a Computer Store™? Well, Little Timothy, there's something called 'federal law'. And apparently, while I can come up with fantastic rules in my home such as those visiting my property must bow down to the giant gold statue of my likeness or else be locked up the prison underneath my basement and hope that I didn't forget I had prisoners, apparently that is against this federal law, which is quite annoying. I'm a grown man. Rules are only for children. But the mean ol' government is not fun and is imposing these rules on me. But an eye for an eye and tooth for a tooth, as they say, but apparently pulling out the eyes and teeth of the homeless and giving it to them as a form of protest is not exactly how the proverb goes. So I decided not to pay my taxes and told them I was not going to pay them a penny more until they lift these unfair rules since I'm so rich and don't have to follow them. They were super angry, especially since I never paid them to begin with. I went into the witness protection program and they gave me a new identity and now I have to work as a Official Computer Store Corporate Slave™ so they won't find me and arrest me."

"Cheese and crackers, Mr. Antony, you sure have it rough."

"You're damn right I do. Now, since I gave you sage advice, you now owe me for my time. I charge $45.00 a millisecond."

"Chips and rice, Mr. Antony, I didn't knew this was a consultation."

"Neither did I. I just realized that afterward. Remember, Antony, success comes from those who can come up with ideas on the spot that benefit them."

"You mean, benefit everyone?"

"Ha ha ha. You really are stupid, aren't you Little Timothy," he said as he rubbed the little 43 year old boy's bald spot.

At this time, another associate was watching TV. "Hey, check out the news," said this associate, "There was a big commotion in that fancy restaurant in skid row where all the rich people hunt the crackheads for sport." And in the news, Julie was see exiting the burning building.

"Turn that off," said Antony. "Do not be fooled by Julie. She may be super hot and sexy, but she's an evil witch who uses her body to hypnotize men to do her bidding. She's evil and she mustn't be trusted."

And as Antony explained himself, the news reporter said, "We are also looking for a mysterious individual who has poisoned at least 20 patrons. He was described as a male, 6 foot tall, with a constant protrusion in his pants, and he resembled the very well known and recognizable plastic surgeon Antony Gutierrez, but witnesses say it was not him as he was seen along side the super sexy model and adult actress, Julie Ballbuster."

"What do you mean I wouldn't be seen with her?" said Antony to the TV screen. "I am so handsome that normal women are dying to be with me. You know how many of them drowned in my pool? A lot more than my doing, that's for sure! And you dare say that a super sexy hot model and adult actress wouldn't be with me?"

"Let me finish," said the reporter. "But according to this blurry CCTV footage, the man in question could not be the famed plastic surgeon who disappeared because the footage clearly shows him as a simp, something that even the most degenerate crackhead would never admit to." And in the camera footage, they showed a blurry image of a man on his hands and knees as Julie walks buy him unperturbed by the sheer audacity of cowardice before her.

Antony stood there, shocked and appalled. "No, that wasn't me. I wasn't right in the mind! She tricked me! Her boobs, they're too powerful! They must stopped!"

"Golly jee williwaws! So that wasn't you?" said Little Anthony, "Or was it you who poisoned everyone? I'm confused."

"Forget about the second-degree manslaughter. My reputation is on the line. If people find out that I bowed down to that monstrous pair of fun bags, then my reputation is over."

"So you did kill all those people?"

"So you were the simp?" said the other guy.

Antony, with a look of shock, discomfort, and pure rage, all wrapped up in a veil of anguish, topped off with a broth of shame, along with vengeful intent as dessert, he told his two cohorts. "Say, let's take a break. Let's go to the bar."

"Golly, I sure am thirsty."

"Let's go get a drink then. It's on me!"

"Good golly, Ms. Molly, you sure are a nice one, Mr. Antony."

"Little Timothy, were you not listening?" said the other guy who apparently has no description to speak of. "He poisoned all those people and is about to snuff you out because we know too much. In fact, he just admitted that he's hiding from the authorities because he's committed even more horrible crimes that we don't know of! We should be calling the police and-"

A Computer Store™ branded plastic bag was tightly put on his face as Antony held on tightly. Soon, the unfortunate man who never had a chance for characterization was dead.

"Jolly Ranchers, Mr. Anthony, what did you do?"

"Uhh... he's taking a nap. Take my word for it."

"Oh, okay. So can we get drinks now?"

---

Later, when Antony discarded the body, he sighed. "Oh man, what is happening to me? I have it all! Looks, money, the freedom to enslave others to my whims. But now I lost it all. To think that the FBI, the CIA, Interpol, I laugh and spit on their faces but Julie is the one who has provided me the most shame. I can't deal with this alone. I need help, and in times like these, I need to talk to my therapist. In these trying times, Dr. Sigmund Fraud has always been there to make me feel better and assured me that having a sexual relationship with my own mother is perfectly healthy. Yes. I will visit him right now."

Antony wasted no time and visited the good doctor.

"Welcome, my most astounding student," welcomed Dr. Fraud.

"Doctor, I am having trouble. You must help."

"Yes, of course. You are my most successful patient, after all. You are the prime example of a socially well-functioning psychopath. Whatever you are going through, you are in good hands. Now, please slide ten $100 bills onto the machine and the door will open."

Antony paid the toll and took a seat on the couch. "Doctor, I am losing it. Ever since I gone out of the public eye, the world has become worse. No one knows I exists and walk around the streets with smiles on their faces, well assured that Bad Man Antony will not randomly kidnap them and take them to my 'Magical Kingdom'."

"But do you not commit your selfish public service as your new identity?"

"I do but it's not the same when only the family suffers and only afterwards. I want them to be in constant fear all the time, but how can I do that when I'm hiding? This sucks. I hate the fact that the government no longer accepts bribes."

"Oh, Antony, it pains me to see you like this, but do not worry, there is a solution. Simply start making rumors that you are prowling around and the fear of the people will return."

"But the police will discover where I live and arrest me."

"No, Antony. The idea is that you are hiding but still making your presence known. It is like being invisible and everybody thinks you're everywhere. They'll be looking over their shoulders ever second of the day."

"Why it's so simple! Why didn't I think of that. Thank you doctor, you saved me."

"Yes, yes, give me $100,00 for that."

And Antony did so. "But there is another problem that has risen. You see, I went out with the most beautiful, most amazing, most incredible pair of breast you ever seen, but the body attached was the most awful woman in the world, Julie."

"Julie? Why every man dreams of being her personal play toy, but you must be careful not to let her spells bind you."

"But it almost happened. I fell for her tricks. Her giant boobies, they were so amazing that I fell to my knees in defeat. I had to stab my leg to snap out of it before I was her next victim. I then stabbed someone else, but that didn't remove the stigma of me being a... a... oh no, I cant say it."

"No need to say it. You became a simp. But don't worry, I will keep your secret. If everyone finds out you're a simp, your reproductive organs lose protection from the law and anyone can do what they please with them."

"Doctor, you can't tell anyone."

"I won't, Antony. You can trust me." A bell dings. "Oh, you know what means? One hour has passed. Please pay $10,000,000 before we continue."

"Okay," and he does so. "But doctor, there's video proof of me being a simp. It's blurry so people can't tell it's me, but what if they find out soon?"

"Yes, I understand your predicament. But you see, this all started because you wanted to fall in love."

"But what is wrong with wanting to fall in love? What is wrong with wanting a lover who you can embrace every morning, and she'll tell you she loves you every single day, and will always smile even if you constantly tell her that you'll put in a body bag if she dares look at another guy?"

"Oh, Antony. Out of all the psychological problems I have fixed, this one I have never been able to do so. Antony, you have a condition that affects millions of men everyday: Chronic Faggotry. This condition is prevalent more so in modern day since college indoctrinate men to become eunuchs."

"But doctor, I feel so strongly about loving a woman. As strong and desiring strangling a impoverish homeless child in the middle of the night and dangling their body in the middle of the street so when daylight arrives, everyone is in panic. It's in my nature."

"You're a lost cause, Antony, but I'll try to help. You see, Chronic Faggotry is a psychological disorder just like sociopathy, bipolarity, non full-functioning psychopathy, narcissism, and transgenderism. In order to combat it, you need to be strong mentally as well as take about 100 pills a day, which by the way, we no longer allow you to use your hands. Use the ladle and take two scoops from the bucket. That should be the right amount. But aside from that, the only way to stop your faggotry is through your own will. Nobody else can help you."

"Is that it? You didn't actually help me."

"Antony, there's only so much I can do. It's up to you to be a man."

"Yes, you are right. I am a victim of faggotry, that affects millions of men. I must find a way to cure myself."

"Good, my friend. Good. Now then, before we conclude this session, let me remind you that you are a good man and always will be a good man. And if people tell you you are not a good man, Allah has given you permission to kill him because he is not a good man. And if the police come after you, you must run away because it is a prisoners job to escape their captors. Never forget the code of chivalry, that if a man pays for dinner, gives lavish gifts to his girlfriend, and treats her like a queen, then you are free to have her, even if she never agreed to any gifts, or even knows you. Don't forget about the #metoo movement as they say: when a woman gets jealous of your girlfriend, you can have her too."

"What wise words from you doctor."

"Yes. Now, take a ladle and a doggy bag, pay the fee of $234,000,000.09, and good luck."

"Yes doctor, I will." Antony got up and saluted the doctor by raising his arm in front of him and saying, "Sieg Heil."

"Sieg Heil, Antony."

"Doctor, I never understood what Sieg Heil means."

"It means 'Hail Victory'. It was said by our gracious Father Hitler."

"Doctor, tell me about Hitler again."

"Very well, son. Sit down, lay down $1,204,000,000, and listen again."

And so did Antony laid down his payment and snuggled next to Dr. Fraud who wrapped a blanket around them. As the fireplace lit and the log crackled, Dr. Fraud opened his copy of "Mein Kampf".

"Listen well, my son, and hear the story of the man who would be misunderstood throughout history, and how he taught us that we can all be superior in our own special way."

---

 

Bonus Story

Little Timothy went to his favorite hot dog place and just finished eating his foot-long wiener as other patrons looked on with disgust, not knowing the foot-long is an item on the menu to spot the deviants of society. (Look up "Homosexuality")

When he finished his meal, he grabbed a napkin and wiped the mayonnaise from his lips. He took his tray and dumped all the trash into the receptacle, and placed the tray not into the trash but on the rack above just as the sign said.

Little Timothy is a good citizen. (See "Chronic Faggotry" above.)

But as soon as Little Timothy left, he felt a tingle on his nostrils and soon had a stuffy nose. Oh no, he did not have a hanky to wipe himself with. He turned around and through the window and saw the napkin dispenser inside. He entered the store and pulled out a napkin to blow his nose in, unaware of the meals already on the table as the droplets of snot sprinkle on the customers hot dogs.

"Hey!" said the mean ol' store manager, "Napkins are for paying customers. Thief!"

"No, I am no thief," said Little Timothy, "I bought my food only a few minutes ago."

"But you stepped outside briefly for a few seconds. That counts as the transaction ending. Thief!"

"But it was only a few seconds."

"I don't tolerate thieves in my restaurant! The cops have been called."

"Then I will explain it to them."

When the cops arrived, they grabbed their clubs and started hitting. The sound of skull cracking, ribs breaking, and the wails of agony were heard in the shopping district as the poor victim of police brutality lost conscience.

Once the officers finally let out their aggression, they entered the store where Little Timothy waited.

"Officer, mean ol' manager there is calling me a thief, but I stole nothing. I bought food and could use any and all napkins fairsy and squarsey."

"That is true," said the nice officer. "A little boy like you did nothing wrong if you used a napkin after buying food."

Then the mean ol' manager said, "But he stepped outside for 2 seconds, then came in and took an napkin without buying anything."

Immediately, the police started hitting Little Timothy with their clubs, threw chairs at him, sprayed him with pepper spray, and drilled a hole on his pancreas with a power drill one officer so happen to have. Then they handcuffed him and took him away.

Moral of the story: Humanity is full of wicked people, so reject humanity. But don't be a furry either.