Embroiled in an interdimensional fever dream with A Whole New World from Aladdin playing on repeat in his head, Vaughn found himself dumped off his carpet ride through a swirling tunnel of cosmic darkness onto some soft, slightly damp grass in the middle of what looked like a forest clearing, next to some other people from earth.

Well, legally he and the rest of the soft bodies from Earth had to be called outlanders now.

Gone were the familiar skyline and smoggy air of his corporate unpaid overtime days, replaced by clear skies and what appeared to be two suns in the sky. Birds chirped, trees sang, and it was clear that there was something different in the air–the presence of mana.

But that didn’t concern Vaughn as much as the foreign cloth-like sensation on his skin. He looked down, only to be horrified to see that his stylish tracksuit and his killer combination of adidas slides and white socks were gone. They were replaced by standard brown adventurer’s garb that you’d see in any regular fantasy setting. Absolutely devastating.

How could they do this to him, downgrading from real 100% polyester made from the glorious sweatshops of Southeast Asia, to hand-crafted carefully tailored cloth from this world?

[You have lost your Adidas tracksuit set bonus.]

[-10 charisma.]

Ah, to make things clear, those notifications didn't actually pop up. Vaughn just imagined them in his head, but it still kinda hurt his pride. Vaughn groaned, feeling the -10 charisma from the loss of his Adidas set bonus hit him like a truck, right in the balls, which were now a bit too tightly fit into a pair of skinny-venturer’s. He was no longer the casually dressed main character of some webtoon who looked conspicuously weak and out of place but would turn out to be super overpowered anymore. Now he just looked like every other chode in the vicinity, a simple plebeian in a sea of noobs. Fuck.

“Welcome outlanders!” a cheery voice said, as the disoriented outlanders all stumbled on the wet grass trying to find their bearings. As they stood up, it soon became obvious that the voice was coming from a few feet below eye level.

The person giving the introductory speech was a small gnome with a white beard, a straw hat on his head propped up by a comically round nose that looked like a mushroom. He was no more than four feet in height, but packed to the brim with enthusiasm like a Lucky Charms commercial gone mad.

“Wow, so this place is magical…” a girl sighed, her eyes sparkling with wonder.

“The party ventures forth, and encounters a gnome for the first time,” muttered a bearded man in a serious tone, talking in the third person for some reason. He sounded like he had a sip too much of dungeons and dragons kool-aid and hadn’t seen the sun in months, and had already pulled his adventurer’s hoodie over his head to continue the sunless streak. “I, the courageous Dhunnim ‘il Dharal, halfblood halfling, listen to his request.”

…

Vaughn had sipped his fair share of kool-aids in his day, but the dungens ‘n draggens variety was probably a bit too much even for him. If Vaughn started talking like that to himself in the third person, Zeus or whoever the hell was up there had full permission to smite him on the spot and save him from his misery.

Nevertheless, something about the air here just felt more alive, and even Vaughn himself felt previous inhibitions laxen and his spirits rise tremendously while taking in the sights and sounds of this new world. It was a world ripe for adventure and surprise, and… treasure! There’d better be a lot of treasure, or he’d sue for false advertising.

Suddenly, a rustle came from above, from one of the magical tree branches overhead with its magical green leaves and magical tree bark. Well, there was actually nothing magical about any of those things, but that was besides the point.

A creature popped out from the forest ceiling. “What, you outlanders have never seen a gnome before? Ha! What an unexciting world you must come from,” piped a talking monkey with vicious teeth, who was hanging upside down from a bough right above the gnome, its tail swishing back and forth like a paintbrush.

“Oh, it’s alright Sir Monkey. These nice folks will get used to Alvatross sooner or later. We should have some welcoming festivities!” the happy-go-lucky gnome said with a slightly wheezy voice.

“Spare them the chit-chat, old man,” the talking monkey said, as he cleared his throat. “Ahem. My name is Talking Monkey, and the old man here is Old Man Garib. We’re here today to–”

The monkey abruptly paused, taking out a pair of glasses from his pouch as well as a stone tablet that contained reference notes in a way that reminded Vaughn of his manager.

If he said anything about touching base or circling back or deliverables, Vaughn was wholly prepared to murder this monkey. He was already a bit pissed off enough about losing his Adidas set bonus.

“–to welcome you to the world of Alvatross. Here, you may encounter all sorts of wonderful and delightful things, but beware, because danger lies around every corner as well. Although every corner is a bit of an exaggeration, I should probably get rid of that–”

Talking Monkey whipped a quill pen from his pouch and scribbled furiously on the stone tablet, crossing out the line. “Ahem, danger lies around some corners. But don’t worry, because you’ll be adequately prepared for what’s up ahead. We’re here today to formally introduce you outlanders to Beginner’s Alcove, where you get to do training and learn the basics so you don’t die in the first week. Yay, aren’t you all excited?” the monkey said in a tone that could not possibly be any less enthusiastic.

A floating holographic notification appeared in front of Vaughn, and by the looks of it, everyone else. Here we go, he thought. A wide grin spread across his face.

You have entered a new area, [Beginner’s Alcove].

Please open your status window by saying the word [Status]. Surely you can do that, right?

…

Was the system being passive aggressive right now?

[As a counterbalance to your Narcissistic trait, your system will now sporadically poke fun at you. Every narcissist needs a reality check. However, your growth will be accelerated, because you are indeed exceptional.]

The talking monkey picked at his ear, yawning. “Follow the directions, children.”

“Status,” Vaughn said firmly. He already had a general gist of what was going on due to the copious amount of webtoons and web serials that he consumed on the commute to work. This was nothing new to him, although he was intrigued about what kind of information would show up, since that usually revealed a lot about the system and progression mechanics.

[Dung’gen n Draggens Status Window]

Name: Thrifkin Hawkwoods

Race: Drow Eladrin Demi-elf

“...”

For the first time in his life, Vaughn felt a searing desire to strangle a status window.

[Just kidding, haha.]

[Real Status Window]

Name: Vaughn Hallows

Race: Human (zodiac affinity, Dragon)

Professions: Level 1 Treasure Hoarding Outlander, Empty Slot, Empty Slot

Classes: Empty Slot, Empty Slot, Empty Slot

Ego Traits: Reckless, Ambitious, Hoarder, Deductive, Narcissistic

Strength: well above average

Constitution: excellent

Dexterity: above average

Mana manipulation: well above average potential

Abilities: Novice Treasure Sense, Novice Hoarder

Skills: None so far

Titles: None so far

—-

“Alright, alright, close your status windows. No need to read all your ability descriptions yet, or we’ll be stuck here for a long time,” the talking monkey declared, interrupting the dazed looks on everyone’s faces as they scrutinized their status screens.

“Now comes the fun part. Are you kids ready?” the monkey continued with its disparaging tone, treating the outlanders like lost children at an amusement park despite the fact that there were clearly a few elders in the crowd, trying to live their lives to the fullest in the boredom of retirement.

Maybe this was a case of the monkey being a thousand year old monkey in the form of a two year old adolescent monkey, or… the monkey could just be an asshole. Probably a little bit of column A, a little bit of column B.

Still, Vaughn was curious what Novice Treasure Sense and Novice Hoarder were, and the fact that there were multiple slots for professions and classes was intriguing as well.

Well, the whole novice thing made it obvious that he’d be able to level up his abilities some way or another. Maybe he could level it up by sniffing around for treasure, and stuffing his pants full of gold? If that was all it took to level those up, he’d gladly start strip mining this world of all its valuables.

Vaughn’s daydreaming was interrupted by the talking monkey.

“Do you see the road there?” the monkey said with a toothy expression, pointing towards a dirt road that headed into the forest. “If you follow that path, you’ll reach the Slime Cave. That’s an area called a dungeon, where you can find both monsters and treasure. And that’ll be your first mission.”

Quest: Clear the Slime Cave Dungeon

Difficulty: F

Quest description: Clear the slime cave that is near Beginner Alcove.

Reward: Newbie adventurer starter pack.

“Now since it’s a beginner dungeon, the slime monsters are pretty easy. If one of you unfortunate idiots manages to die to a slime, you’ll get my personal congratulations for being a certified dumbass. I’ll put a letter of congratulations nicely on your grave, and even give you a ribbon for your tombstone.”

“Oh yeah, the quest is optional. Everything in this world is optional. You get to choose to do whatever you want to do. Wanna be a farmer? Go on ahead and take some farming quests. Want to slay monsters? There’s plenty of those. Want to do absolutely nothing for the next month? Go right ahead, although the inns won’t let you freeload forever, so you’ll need to find your own food.”

“Naturally, you’ll get more out of this world if you do things, so I’d suggest taking on the beginner quests and getting your feet wet.”

“Well, that’s about it for the introduction. Weapon and general shops and the alcove inn are in the town up ahead. If you have any other questions, go talk to the old man or look it up in the system.”

The gnome Garib, who had been leaning on a tree leisurely picking at a dandelion in his chubby hands, paused and nodded, his straw hat nearly falling over his nose. “Yes, that’s me! If you have any questions about this world, you can ask me. I’ll be outside my house over there–” he said, pointing at a modest wooden shack off to the side, no larger than a shed. “–having some mushrooms. That’s all!”

Talking Monkey, Swinging Tree swung back up into the leaves, as a diagonal rustling of leaves showed that the monkey had darted quite far away into the forest. Meanwhile, Garib the gnome went over to his shack, sitting on a stool while cultivating a small mushroom garden he’d grown just outside his shack.

If someone looked closely at the gnome’s mushroom garden, they could see the white mushroom sect fighting for turf valiantly against the spotted blue mushroom sect, with the lifeless bodies of countless uprooted young masters strewn across the battlefield.

Vaughn played quite a few video games in his life, and he knew that this was the part when the NPCs took their idling stations where they would wait indefinitely until a quest prompt moved them elsewhere. It was a cue for the players, or outlanders in this case, to go tackle the newbie dungeon slime cave down the trail and come back after they completed it.

And sure enough, outlanders were already moving down the trail. But not Vaughn. Why? Well, because he was too good for that. Obviously, as the dragonborn first of his kin and heir to the draconic throne and a superior being to all these human soft bodied plebs, he had better things to do than tackle a newbie dungeon.

…

Nah, just kidding.

Vaughn walked down the path with the rest of the outlanders, content to exert his superiority later on. As he was clearly the protagonist of the multiverse, he’d have his time sooner or later.

[You have gained a new trait: Edgelord]

[You have gained a new trait: Self Aware]

"…"

[Two traits with high astral affinity with each other are able to be combined. Self Aware, Edgelord. Would you like to combine these traits?]

Honestly, the combination sounded a whole lot better than the individual pieces.

“Do it.”

[You have to say Confirm.]

“Confirm.”

[The traits Self Aware + Edgelord are combining, to create a new trait.]

[You have obtained a new trait, Self Aware Edgelord.]

[You have gained a new passive ability, Bullshit-Fu.]

[You have a higher chance of confusion, persuasion, or intimidation when spewing bullshit out of your mouth. The more eloquent your speech and more confident your tone, the stronger the effect will be. This ability only affects residents of Alvatross, and not outlanders.]

[You have become aware of the existence of a lord-slaying sword, which deals extra damage to any enemies with the phrase 'lord' in their traits, title, class, profession, or status.]

“Huh,” Vaughn exclaimed to himself, caught off guard by the new ability. Honestly, he’d been hoping for some cool sword skill or magic attack as his first ability, but this was not that bad. Working in corporate America in some of the most toxic offices known to mankind had already sharpened his bullshit-fu to a rather high degree, so it was something that he came into Alvatross with.

And he had full confidence that those cool sword skills and magic fireballs would come eventually. Despite coming into Alvatross completely fed up with his old life and acting a bit silly, he was still resourceful and decisive when things mattered. He’d succeed here, fancy unique abilities or not, he just knew it.

But exploring a new world was not something that should be done completely alone– at least, he needed someone to blame if things went poorly. Ah, yes, his corporate side was showing.

He looked around, scanning the other outlanders, trying to find someone who seemed capable enough to hold their own, and yet not too capable, otherwise they’d outshine the master of the multiverse and wielder of myriad edgelord powers himself.

It didn’t take long to find a suitable candidate.

She was looking right at him, a straw dangling from her mouth.