I fucked up. I fucked up big time.

 

Not only did I do the exact opposite of what my original plan was. I also told a crazy girl that assaulted me who I had no feelings for that I loved her. 

 

And… that crazy girl was sleeping to my right on the bed at this very moment. The time was currently 4:37 AM and I was awake, contemplating my very existence and actions. 

 

As usual, I lay on my back with my eyes blurry. It always induced a sort of calmness over me, I could let my entire being just drift and escape—which was especially necessary considering current circumstances. However, one main question lingered in my mind.

 

What now?

 

Do I go along with whatever is going on with Alicia? Or, should I just tell her straight. There’s no reason to have a relationship without love, and way more importantly, she’s the fucking 2nd female lead. She’s not for me, she’s for the main protagonist, right?

 

The time was now 4:38 AM.

 

I have to stick to the plan. I’ll wait till morning and tell her I have no feelings for her, and I’m sorry, and…

 

Fuck! This is difficult. I’ve never done this before, how the hell can I let her down easily. 

 

Maybe I was thinking too much, but my brain felt like it was full of cement. I closed my eyes in hopes it would go away.

 

…Just for a few moments, then I’ll start thinking again.

 

…

 

“Goodmorning, Elliot.”

 

A sweet voice was heard in my right ear, a bit sluggish yet mature. I opened my eyes and turned my head towards the voice. Alicia lay next to me, her brown eyes staring at me with obsession. 

 

“...Morning.”

 

I unenthusiastically raised myself out of bed. 

 

The time was 6:54 AM, Sunday.

 

“I’ll… go make breakfast.”

 

If I was going to bring the news to her, I might as well do it when she’s fed and not hungry and just woken up.

 

I got out of bed, only to find out I was completely naked. I looked around quickly; my clothes from last night were scattered around the floor.

 

I sighed and walked to the drawer for fresh clothes, grabbing a basic shirt, shorts, and underwear, I put them on and walked to the kitchen. I still felt a little disoriented.

 

Breakfast was simple, eggs, toast, and water. Boom. I called Alicia over and we sat at the dining table. An awkward silence overcame me, but Alicia looked like it was just another normal day.

 

How the hell do I easily break the news to her…

 

I took a drink of water, for some reason I wasn’t hungry at all and my throat felt dry.

 

I guess I was slowly taking in everything that happened, processing it. Nothing that has happened to me felt rea, it all felt like a bad dream. I felt like I was just a puppet on strings…

 

I was assaulted in less than a month of coming here, by both my professor and my best friend.

 

And my best friend— who drugged and raped me—was sitting right in front of me… and I just fucking cooked her breakfast.

 

I lowered my head on the dining table, feeling the coolness of the polished wood on my forehead.

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

Alicia asked with concern. It’s as if she had no recollection or guilt of what happened last night. It sent a shiver down my spine.

 

Despite all that has happened to me, I’m weirdly calm… It doesn’t make sense…

 

I lifted my head up and stared at Alicia. Last night's events were still a bit hazy, but if I remember correctly, then she’s batshit. I have to tread carefully.

 

“Alicia… About this relationship. Remember? last night—”

 

“Mhm?”

 

Her eyes stared right back at me, another creepy chill went down my spine. But, I had to continue.

 

“When you asked if I loved you—”

 

“And you do.”

 

I flinched a bit at her words. I don’t think I’ve been under pressure like this before…

 

“After… what you did. Did you uhm… did you drug me?”

 

“I did.”

 

Her apathetic responses ignited a wave of slight anger in me.

 

“Do you not realize how fucked up that is?”

 

She paused for a moment and put her fork down.

 

“You forced me to go to such measures.”

 

“What the hell are you talking about?”

 

“Do you still not realize? After everything?”

 

She got up off the chair and walked to my side, putting her arms around my neck and whispering softly in my ear as if trying to put me in a trance.

 

“I did this for you—for us. You wouldn’t come to me… so I came to you the only way I knew how. And look, you confessed your true feelings. You love me and I love you… is that not all?”

 

But I can’t love you… I wanted to shout that at her. But something in my heart told me I couldn’t. I was locked in place as if I had shackles around my limbs, my throat, everything.

 

“I still don’t understand… the only way you knew how?”

 

She removed her arms from my neck and placed them on one of my hands, caressing it as if to assure me.

 

“You’ll understand soon enough. You just have to be patient, okay? Trust me…”

 

She leaned closer and gave me a kiss on the cheek, then backed away and sat back down in her seat.

 

Yeah. I don’t think I can get through to her, she’s insane, delusional…

 

My mind flashed with Elliot’s memories. She was never like this before, nothing could explain the sudden shift in her attitude… I felt frustrated. Nothing has ever been in my control… how can I be complicit in this fucking situation!

 

“Patient? How can I be patient…? You don’t communicate with me, you just do whatever you feel like! Hell, I don’t even know the reason you like me!”

 

Suddenly, Alicia’s eyes flashed. It was a face I’d never seen her make before. She stood up abruptly and walked her way back towards me. She placed her hand on the handle of my chair and pushed it down, making me fall backward.

 

“Agh! Shit!”

 

Her hand snaked up to my wrist and she held it with a surprising iron grip.

 

“I told you to be patient… why can’t you fucking accept that. I’ve been sweet to you, I’ve done everything for you. So just wait a little longer… and be patient.”

 

She breathed heavily as she emphasized those last words and I felt her handshake. She spoke with curious desperation, one which raised more questions than answers.

 

“Do you understand now?”

 

She gripped tighter on my wrist and I felt an unpleasant ache.

 

“Fuck! Shit! Okay! Okay, I get it! Let go of me!”

 

I shook a little while my heart raced. I never knew she could be so damn scary. Also, what’s with this fucking strength!? A certain godlike being has some explaining to do…

 

At my words, Alicia smiled and let go of my wrist, however, the pain still lingered as I caressed my wrist with my other hand.

 

“Wonderful… just remember I love you, Elliot. Nothing I do is for your harm. So just keep that in mind…”

 

She stood back up and her nonchalant attitude continued once more. I was left on the ground stupefied, to say the least.

 

Am I really sure this novel is about what I think it is?!