It was still pitch-black outside the ryokan’s windows. The humming sound of various vending machines standing in the dimly lit lobby was creating a delicate ambience to an otherwise completely silent room. I got up from the wooden bench on which I must’ve fallen fast asleep before I noticed. Even if my body was now a few years younger, the paralyzing pain of sleeping in a weird position in a place not very much suited to be slept on was still unbearable. Not to mention my viciously assaulted butt. After rubbing my eyes with my hands to clear my vision I checked my phone to confirm the time. 2:34 in the morning. As an ex-college student it’s quite a refreshing feeling, waking up at such ungodly time in the middle of the night and not being either run-to-the-toilet-as-fast-as-I-can-hungover, or still intoxicated.
Nonetheless, except for an elderly man behind the reception desk (who also was giving in to sleep’s embrace) I was completely alone in the ryokan’s lobby. Everyone must be back at their rooms sleeping off the nerve-racking shenanigans of a high-school field trip. Since there were no familiar faces to be seen I decided to check my phone again real quick to make sure I wasn’t now a victim of some inoffensive yet annoying high-school prank. But when I unlocked the screen, my eyes saw something that exceeded innocent scribbles on a sleeping friend’s face as much as liking SAO exceeded plain trash taste.
“Oh god, please no, not now.” I shot up from Bench, The Destroyer of Backs, still not completely awake. But when I saw the havoc wreaked in my inbox, it became apparent that one crucial event of which I completely forgot was currently taking place in this very inn.
…
HAYATO
(00:17) Hayato: HEEROOOOOOO MY MAN WHERE ARE YOU
(00:19) Hayato: Get your ass over here! We’re having a party with Hideko-chan, it suuuuper fun~ Oh and get one more box of those chocolates from the lobby, theyre delicious!!!11
(00:19) Hayato: 8888990oiujhbljoun
(00:31) Hayato: Oopsie, my hnad sillpedddd
(00:32) Hayato: HEROOOOOo wher r u
(00:33) Hayato: HEEEEEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
(00:34) Hayato: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
(00:35) Hayato: Ill give u a special rweard when u come!1 Hideko chans also waitnign hurrrry
SAKI
(00:03) Saki: Hey, are you okay? Where are you?
(00:08) Saki: Hey, Hiro :(
(01:32) Saki: Hiroooo~ I miss you
(01:33) Saki: I’m in my room, alone :3
(01:33) Saki: I’ll be waiting <3
MAI
(02:11) Mai: WHERE ARE YOU
(02:12) Mai: CHEEKY WANKER
(02:14) Mai: OI.
(02:14) Mai: .
(02:14) Mai: .
(02:14) Mai: .
(02:14) Mai: .
(02:14) Mai: .
(02:14) Mai: .
(02:14) Mai: .
(02:15) Mai: DONT IGNORE ME, I KNOW IT WAS YOU
(02:19) Mai: WELL FUCK YOU THEN.
…
“...I didn’t expect it to happen during the trip… We still haven’t completed the ‘School field trip’ arc, huh.” I said out loud, for some reason, and sprinted towards the students’ rooms in order to prevent the drunken isekai squad from destroying this world. Although it’s a common cliche for characters to get drunk with amounts of ethanol that wouldn't bother even a fly, I can only imagine what chaos could drunk Hayato, Saki and especially Mai bring upon this land of adolescent innocence.
I finally reached the corridor in which all the rooms should’ve been located. I thought to myself that it somehow seemed to be stretching much further than I’d remembered, but I had no time to be bothered with such details. I had no idea which room was which but I had no doubt in mind whose voice I just heard from the other side of the thin door nearest to me. The voice of an obnoxious and drunk-beyond-comprehension uncle that minutes ago was reassuring everybody gathered at the family party that he’ll be the driver for the night. Reluctantly, I drew closer and slid the door open slightly, just enough to get a glimpse of what’s going on inside.
“HOU HOU! IS YER QUEEN APPRRROACHING ME?! You’rre offerring me a queen trade, BUT I RRREFUSE! Now if I just put my dark-squarred bishop herrre, then you need to move yer rrook to defend against mate, and den I can move MY rrook and frreaten yer queen. And wen you rretrrreat it, I now jump in with a knight forking your two rrrooks. And den if you try to take the knight with a pawn, you rrealize you can’t! BUAHAHAHAHA YOU FELL FORRR IT, FOOL! The trrue goal of me putting my bishop dere was to PIN YER PAWN AND PREVENT IT FROM TAKING MY KNIGHT. SO YOU LOSE YOUR RRROOK AND MY KNIGHT IS COVERRING THE SQUARE NEXT TO YER KING, WHICH MY QUEEN WILL BE ABLE TO INFILTRRATE AND DELIVERRR A DEVASTATING CHECK-MATE… I must admit... Ya were a formidable opponent, but a mere high-schooler is no match for THE COLOSSUS!” Yanus-sensei, was sitting down on the tatami-lined floor and screaming half-intelligible nonsense while leaning over a comically small magnetic chess board. His sausage-like fingers grabbed the poor bishop tightly and slammed it onto an empty square as proclaimed. Upon closer inspection, I noticed a few empty cans of cheap-looking beer in the back of the room.
On the opposite side of a little table, contrasting with his monstrous presence, sat a petite girl with pale hair, deep-pink eyes and face that was completely unfazed by Yanus’s passionate monologue. Hiyaoka remained silent and still for a brief moment, her pupils scanning the board swiftly.
Yanus’ face was fuming with confidence (and arousal) as he was patiently waiting for Rin’s response. However, his victorious expression disappeared in an instant, as after no more than 5 seconds had passed, Rin took one of her rooks and put it down on the opposite side of the board gently, but with full confidence.
“Check-mate.” She said coldly, as usual.
“M-masaka?! How could I have missed dis?!”
“Mattaku. To fall for a back-rank mate again. Were you perhaps thrown down the stairs by your parents as a child?” She started putting the little chess pieces back in the foldable magnetic chessboard. Her tone however, didn’t indicate she was about to stop firing her insult-loaded machine gun anytime soon. “I’m glad something as trivial as a game of chess brings you so much joy, even after losing 9 times in a row. Please excuse my tactless remark, but if you decide to play the Fried Liver Attack of the Italian Game, you should have memorised more than the first 4 moves of theory, just so you know. Oh, and your pieces were under-developed until late game and your pawn sacrifice in the middle game was nothing but a blunder. And most importantly, in chess you really shouldn’t be telling your opponents about your ‘masterplan’, no matter how ‘masterfull’ you think it is. Anyway, I’ll be making my way to my room now. I recommend you go to sleep too. In case you forgot, you’re driving our bus back to school first thing in the morning. And please, make it not take an hour like the last time. Well then, goodnight.” She bowed as if there was nothing offensive about her full-auto of pinpointing Yanus’ tactical and strategic shortcomings. Not that I understood anything of what she was talking about.
Before I could decide whether I should hide somewhere or not, the sliding door was opened by Hiyaoka from the inside and our eyes met.
“Please excuse my tactless remark, but what in the hell are you doing here at almost 3 in the morning, Mr. Hentai?”
“You’re really gonna call me like that from now on, huh.”
“You deserve it.”
“Can’t say I don’t…” We were both referring to what happened a few hours ago in the ladies’ onsen bath.
“So? Why are you not in your room? Just so you know, It’s against the rules to wander around the ryokan during the lights-out period.” I guess Hiyaoka, being the Student Council Vice-President, had a special ‘Late Night Ryokan Explorer Pass’ or something. “I see you didn’t read the pamphlet I had so meticulously prepared and handed to everybody. You really don’t care about others’ hard work, do you?” I don’t know if it’s because it’s late and she’s tired after a long day or what, but somehow seems even more fed up with everyone’s bullsh*t than usual.
“Ahaha, sorry… Anyway, have you seen Hayato, Saki and Mai? Or more importantly, do you know what they’re doing right now?” Since we’re already talking, I might as well give it a shot and try to get some information.
“The obnoxious cross-dressing pain in the butt, The ‘I’m so nice and well-mannered it’s annoying’ and the ‘I’m the opposite of nice and well-mannered, but still annoying’? Why? Is there something else wrong with them I should be worried about?”...‘Else?’.
“N-no, not at all. I was just w-wondering whether they’re asleep already, haha.”
“OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD!!!!!<3333” A deafening girly scream suddenly came roaring from a nearby room. And I regret to inform you that indeed, it was the aforementioned 'pain in the butt', Hayato.
“What was that? I better take a loo-”
“No!”
“...”
“I mean… I’ll check what’s going on! You must be tired after a long day of running errands for the Student Council, right? Please, go and take a rest, I’ll handle it!”
“AAAAAH, DAMEEEEeeeee~” ...Seriously, what in the name of good taste is going on there?
“...”
“...”
“Understood. Good luck, Mr. Hentai.” She turned her back to me and started walking away as if to say ‘I don’t feel like dealing with whatever-the-hell is happening in that room’. “But remember. I’m always watching you.” Yet again, she ends the conversation with her sinister catchphrase, while giving me a cold look from behind her shoulder.
I don’t know what weird force possessed my brain at that very moment, but I felt a sudden urge to ask her the question that’s been on my mind ever since we first encountered Hiyaoka back at school. Ever since then, there was something off about her. She didn’t feel like a normal NPC. And although she was the perfect Kuudere Loli™, she had an un-animelike characteristic to her personality. Plus, the conversation she had with Kaichou… It’s all way too suspicious. In the last possible moment, just as Hiyaoka’s silhouette was disappearing behind a corner, I raised my voice and asked nervously:
“You’re also… Not from this world, are you?“ That was the exact same question I asked Mai when we were trying to get her to let us in her house. Best case scenario - Hiyaoka admits she’s been isekai’d and we start cooperating to get out of this clusterf*ck of a world. Worst case scenario? I’m getting called a pervert again. And probably a psycho. At this point, that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.
“...” She stopped and looked me straight in the eyes with her lifeless, but penetrating expression. “Not only a pervert, but also a lunatic. Congratulations, Hiro Sekuhara, you’re now officially Mr. Hentai-Lunatic the First. Hope you enjoy your new title. Well then, excuse me. I have an important meeting with my pillow.”
“... As expected.” I murmur to myself with resignation. Mai did point out that if she and Kaichou really weren’t NPC, there’d be no reason for them to keep it a secret… That is unless… There’s something about those two we’re still yet to find ou-
“KYAAAA, WHAT IS THIS, WHY IS IT SO CUUUUUUuuteeee~~~” My train of thought was abruptly derailed by yet another scream that could only be produced by someone that’s rejected their masculinity for no other reason that to enjoy wearing a skirt on a scorching summer day. Even though I told Hiyaoka I’d handle it, I’m not sure whether I want to know what Hayato’s doing right now either. But I have no choice if I want to protect the pure harem anime NPCs from a sexually-confused, drunken college student. Oh, and preventing the world from collapsing is also a valid form of motivation.
At this point, I wasn’t even shocked. I was expecting to experience the worst kind of nightmarish scenery as soon as I reluctantly opened the sliding door of the next room. And the wicked reality did truly deliver.
“Hideko-chan, this is awesome, where did you get it?!”
“Fufu, a magician never reveals their secrets~ But I can take you there, only if you promise not to tell anyone~”
“Please do, I swear I won’t!”
I closed the door as soon as I opened it. For inside, there was my dear friend, humiliating himself in front of our homeroom teacher by wearing… you guessed it, the most stereotypical bunny suit ever created. The one you’d see in a cliche ‘80’s movie that takes place in some casino somewhere in Nevada. With floppy detachable bunny ears, a shiny black corset and brown-coloured tights. Although there was some considerable free space around the breasts area, the groin was begging to be set free from the unbearable pressure of pure manhood building up inside the tight costume.
My eyes have seen enough. I’m done. At least he’s having fun, I guess. As if to quote a famous video, ‘F*ck this sh*t I’m out.’.
“No way, you also have that fluffy bunny tail?!” Another scream heralding more unspeakable horrors reached my ears even after I’d managed to get away from the cursed room. Oh yeah, and in this room too, I saw a worrying amount of empty beer cans on the floor, which would explain a lot.
At this point I was honestly horrified at the thought of what might be lurking behind the next door of the corridor that now seemed nearly endless in my eyes. I’ve found Hayato (even though I kinda wish I haven’t), but there were still no signs of either Saki or Mai. Which meant I have to check every single room in my way, even if it meant being called a pervert again, this time by random high-school girls. Not that it’d be uncommon as far as being the Protagonist™ goes.
While doing my best to block out the aroused voices of Hayato and Toyokawa-sensei, still vaguely audible from behind me, I put my ear against the next thin sliding door… There definitely was someone inside, judging by the faint rumble. Maybe some girls were having a pillow fight? You know, as they do during the Field Trip Episode™. If that was the case, getting insulted by them would be even more proper for a sh*tty light novel plot.
After gathering my resolve, I slid the door open gently. And nope, there weren’t any high-school girls beating the devil out of each other. But there was one, who in a hellish frenzy was throwing all the clothes, futons, pillows and so on from the wardrobe up in the air as if her life depended on it. And of course I recognized her unique hair colour right away.
“WHERE THE F*CK ARE THEY?! I SWEAR IF I FIND THAT LITTLE CHEEKY WANKER-”
“Whoa, chill, you’ve got your panties stolen or something?”
“As a matter of fact, YES I HAVE! WOULD YOU MAYBE LIKE TO EXPLAIN WHAT YOU DID WITH THEM?!” Oh, I actually guessed. Thank you, the power of god and anime. But really, it was much harder to stop myself from smirking than you’d imagine. And I think it goes without saying that the girl, apparently desperately looking for her underwear, was none other than Mai.
“Okay, I might be called Sekuhara, but I’d never go full-Kazuma mode like that.”
“Oh really? As if that wasn’t something a harem MC would do!”
“Give me one example of a show or a novel where it was actually the Protagonist™ that stole a girl’s panties.”
“WELL… well…”
“See?” You can try as much as you want, dear Gotou-san, but I became the Protagonist™ for a reason. Or so I like to tell myself.
“F*ck you.”
“Yeah, figured. AND YOUR NEXT LINE IS: ‘YOU LITTLE CHEEKY WANKER!’ ”
“You little cheeky wank- N-Nani?!”
“Thank you for playing along, Mayo-nee sama.” I comically bowed to express my gratitude.
“You might be a lost cause, but I wouldn’t miss the chance for a good ol’ J*J* reference... That being said, WHERE THE HELL ARE MY PANTS?!”
“How would I know? I was asleep in the lobby until like 5 minutes ago. Plus, as far as I'm concerned, you might've intentionaly left them somewere, so that the 'Lost panties' plot point could be checked off." She gave me nothing but a sinister look in response. "Anyway, good luck with your panty-hunting.” I turned my back to her and headed for the door.
“What, you’re gonna leave me like this?!”
“Yeah, why?”
“You little…” I made my way out before she could even try convincing me to help her. Glad to see her (probably) not drunk though.
All right, only Saki left. Though judging by her messages, she’s definitely had enough of chocolate for the night and is most likely fast asleep by now. Just to be sure, I decided to take a peek inside the remaining rooms.
But what I saw in the next room was even more bizarre than a 5-star Hayato Bunny-suit version, available for the top tier supporters over at patreon.
“Bghhgghgh, I’ll give ya a ‘make it not take an hour’, who does she think she is?! Just because she’s her rrright hand she thinks she can talk down to me like that, that lil’ brrrat.”
“...Eh?” I involuntarily uttered a surprised, or rather confused reaction. Without a doubt, this was the ‘next’ room. So… Nande koko ni sensei ga… Why was Yanus-sensei here…?’
