Just as I thought my Gotta-Catch’em-all-quest with my drunk friends playing the roles of legendary Pokemon would be over sooner than I’d expected, a wild Drunkard appeared. Although he might’ve not jumped out of some tall grass and challenged me to a duel, his presence on the other side of the ‘next’ door was of equal shock to me. After all, this was supposed to be the NEXT door, and yet it was Yanus-sensei who was sitting inside, still salty about his spectacular lose-streak.

“...Another anomaly?” I murmured to myself, after I’d checked the ‘following’ rooms only to find out that, indeed, the combination of the same 3 rooms kept repeating in a time-and-space-defying loop. And I could only think of 2 explanations of it. One - anomaly, two - magic. And yes, this line might’ve been another weird reference to a niche cartoon no one will get. Anyway, Defeated Yanus, Hayato and Hideko-sensei having a dress-up party, and Mai restlessly searching for her supposedly stolen underwear kept reappearing behind each consecutive door I peeked into. And if that wasn’t creepy enough… I wasn’t getting any closer to my room, which was supposed to be at the very end of the limbo-esque corridor I found myself trapped in. 

Running straight for the door was of no use either. It felt like I was in a nightmare, where my legs didn’t respond to what my brain was telling them. The distance between me and my room stayed the same no matter how many doors I’ve seemingly passed by… Why was this anomaly even taking place? Main cast getting drunk with something normal people would never get drunk off of IS the cliche. Maybe it’s my fault? For falling asleep back in the lobby. Or maybe Saki did something that didn’t line up with ‘the story’. Speaking of whom, I was starting to lose hope of finding her tonight. I just hope she’s alright and is hiding somewhere safe. Or at least has fallen asleep in my futon by accident, as would the harem logic dictate. But yea, the anomalies wouldn’t be happening if that was the case. Right?

“Haaa haaaa…. Jesus Christ, it’s even worse than usual.” I lament over my complete lack of stamina, that could easily compete with that of a chihuahua. 

My body was running on a Sheer Will Power 95 (lead-free)-fuel at this point. I could feel my muscles overheat and my lungs desperately looking for some extra space to inflate. Flashbacks of that one time when I nearly threw up after the Cooper test in middle school were invading my mind. I have to come up with something, fast. Something that’d stop the anomaly. Something that’d be cliche enough to overwrite whatever caused the anomaly in the first place. And the fact that every single muscle cell in my body was now deviously depriving my brain from any excess oxygen, wasn’t helping either. 

With what felt like my last breath, I uttered a scream of despair and last bit of hope loud enough to wake up even that poor old guy back at the lobby.

“fffFFFFUUUUUUU… HIDEKO-SENSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeEEI!!!!!” My voice cracked like I was a 12-year old boy being way too excited to announce he’s grown his first chest hair to his mom. 

But it worked. One of the countless doors of the infinite corridor slid open and soon after, our home-room teacher dressed in only thin, bathrobe-like yukata, with her fully developed breasts in (almost) plain view, peeked out surprised and quite likely, not really sober. Her eyes were half open and voice was calmer than usual.

“Haaai, what is iiiiit?”

“Hideko-sensei! I’m sorry!”

“Hm? Sekuhara-ku- EH? EEEEEEH?!” 

[Insert this one over-used wacky cartoon sound of various things falling down and making a mess]

And if any of you were still wondering, yes. I just intentionally threw myself at an unexpecting teacher and with full responsibility made sure to land with my hands placed perfectly on her breasts. And even though I’ve never done so physically, experiencing this phenomenon countless times on screen must’ve burned into my memory so much that my body could recreate it on the spot. A perfectly executed ‘accident’. 

“Dame yo, Sekuhara-kun… Not here-”

“Thank you, Hideko-sensei.”

“E-Eh?”

“Thank you! It’s working!” Hideko-sensei was lying on the floor with her yukata just barely covering her private parts, equally confused by the fact that I suddenly body-slammed into her, and the fact that I was for some reason grateful. And as a matter of fact, that gratefulness wasn’t the boob-fondling part. I mean, it was… Inspiring… But more importantly, it was the cliche event I needed to defeat the infinite corridor. 

As soon as I got up from our poor homeroom teacher, I noticed the corridor shortened. And after I resumed my sprint towards my goal, it was clear that I broke the spell. The anomaly was no more. With my heroic act of degeneracy I brought the ‘story’ back on track and saved the world and could finally reach the promised land of futons and pillows.

“Hero, is that you???” I heard Hayato’s voice from behind, peeking out of the same door Hideko-sensei just exited. 

“Oh yes, it’s me. The Hero!” The Hero who’s shamelessly just assaulted a teacher, way to go, me. But my goals were beyond their understanding.No point in stopping to explain.

“Huh… Wha- Hero, what did you do to Hideko-chan?!” I was too focused on rushing into the room and ending this godforsaken day to answer his complaints. 

The infinite corridor was brought back to its original, finite state thanks to my degenerate actions. Great success. I rushed into it and slid the door shut. 

It was over. I was safe. Safe from all the other horrors of the adolescent nightmare that was the school trip. The day full of pain, humiliation and torture, the day straight out from weeb fantasies finally came to an end. I loved it. It felt like I came home after a hard day of work I love. Am I happy this day happened? Yes. Would I do it all over again? Hell no. 

I sighed deeply. Too loud considering the late hour, frankly speaking. I couldn’t hear any signs of my harem-loving and me-hating roommates waking up though, fortunately. Nor could I see them amongst almost total darkness covering the tatami-lined washitsu room. Yes, yes, I hear you, mysterious being from another world, who’s reading my thoughts for some reason, ‘b-b-but washitsu literally means Japanese Room, so you’re calling it a Japanese Room Room hur dur’. I hear you. I hear you and I choose to ignore you.

After settling the imaginary argument in my head, which apparently is in deep need of a psychiatrist after all the rom-com shenanigans, I crawled my way into my futon. The fatigue that my body ignored until now, surfaced at last and concentrated in my back. I struggled to find a comfortable position like a pig wallowing in mud. Shortly after finally finding a bearable position, I realized I rested my hand in something warmer and firmer than a futon

“mmmm, hirooo…?” …Knew it. The missing link in the chain of The Tale of Drunken High-schoolers. My half-asleep, probably still completely sh*t-faced, girlfriend. For some reason, known only to the Gods of Anime, Saki was now lying in a futon laid so close to mine, they essentially merged into one. And my hand was now innocently resting on her modest breasts, that I could’ve easily mistaken for Hayato’s, as sad as it sounds. A proper Protagonist™ would withdraw his hand in an instant, but I was over it after a whole day of hard work. I let my palm enjoy what little hills have remained of once glorious mountains. Come on, she’s my girlfriend after all, nothing wrong about it. I mean, she’s basically asleep. And drunk. And we’re on a school trip… Okay, maybe there is something wrong about it.

“Dame yo~ We can’t be doing such things heeeere~” Yup, she’s still drunk. And what’s worse (or better, depending on how you look at it), she’s trying to make a move on me.

“Oi, Saki, what are you doing?! And why are you in my room anyway?!”

“Heeee, but this is my room~ I’ve been waiting here for you for soooo long… Hehe, I was getting very impatient~” Her hands were making their way inside my yukata, even though I was doing what I could to dodge the lustful maneuvers. Yes, we are in a relationship, but I admit now, this is wrong on too many levels. 

“Saki, we can’t! You just said it yourself a moment ago!” I get my voice as loud as I can without risking waking the others up. And at this point I wouldn’t be surprised if Saki wasn’t even lying and I’m actually in her room, with the other girls. I’ve already been called a pervert plenty of times today, don’t need any excess insults.

“I diiid?~ You sure?~ Hihihi” A devilishly cute giggle tickled my ears. The fact I couldn’t see much wasn’t making things easier. The hot springs adventure was already stimulating enough for me. Oh god, this is bad. My imagination was running wild. My eyes were slowly adapting to the darkness and I could just barely see the outline of her thin yukata slipping down her slender shoulder as her torso got up from the futon. She then jumped on top of me and sat over my abdomen.

“Saki…! Stop-” Before I could finish my sentence, she leaned towards my torso, stuck out her tongue and slid it all the way from my collarbone, through the side of my neck and all the way up to my ear. The pleasantly moist sensation spread through my body like it was a succubus’ venom. Then, a delicate, yet penetrating the deepest parts of my brain, blow of air caressed my ear. Even though I was more than used to hearing her voice say my name, this time it was something on another level.

“...hiiiiroooo~” She whispered as soft as a feather, yet as erotic as the aforementioned demon. When I thought she was gonna play with my ear with her tongue and teeth, she went in for an attack on the opposite side of my neck. She was licking it passionately, but with surprising composure. Her hands were caressing my chest simultaneously. I couldn’t think straight. Her breathing was getting rougher and rougher. And so were her movements. All of a sudden, she stopped and laid her head on my chest, now on the verge of hyper-ventilating.

“Haaa… haaa…haaaaa…” She raised her head and torso, back to the cowgirl-like position.

“S-Saki, are you okay?” My voice was trembling a little from all the stimulation my body's been experiencing

“Haaa… haaa… Hirooo~ I can’t wait any longer… please~” There lives no man in this world who would have the power to resist a lustfully panting girl sitting on top of him, asking for we-all-know-what…And I was no exception. I grabbed her firmly by the shoulders and looked deep into her emerald eyes. Her skin was smooth and hot to the touch. Delicate like thin glass and precious like the finest porcelain. In one swift motion I threw her off myself and I was the one looking down at her now. A thin ray of faint moonlight creeped into the room through the window, casting a seductive glow over Saki’s face and reflected captivatingly in her irises. Even more so on her wet from saliva lips that were pulling me in more and more the longer I kept staring at them. Her mouth opened ever so slightly, and her eyes glistened.

“I-It’s okay… Today’s a safe day…” Holdupholdupholdupholdup. Now that’s below the belt. Quite Literally. I froze in place, not really fully comprehending the situation I found myself in. My eyes were glued to hers and vice versa. The primal tension between us was thick enough that you could slice it with a knife, and the characteristic, chemistetic smell of consumed alcohol coming from Saki’s body was weirdly nostalgic. Most likely making me recall the time when we first drunk-kissed during the college party when we became a couple. It’s kind of bizarre we’ve never even kissed while being conscious and sober.

“Hiro…?”

“....Ah, sorry.” Damn, I got too caught up in my thoughts. “I was just thinking… We haven’t even properly kissed yet…”

“...So you… don’t want to…?” She looked at me with a sad puppy eyes, obviously not talking about the kiss.

“Of course I want to!” I reassured her with an involuntary response.

“...”

“...”

“Hiro?”

“...”

“Hiro, what’s wron-”

“Hide!”

“Huh, what are youHMMMMMM?!”

 

My weeb senses were tingling. A skill one could call supernatural I had developed long before coming to this world. A skill acquired throughout many years living with my parents. A skill not unique to me, but one that most males on this (or actually that, I guess) planet have or will have unlocked at some point…

“HMHHHMMMMM!”

“Saki, calm down, we have to be quiet!” I said quietly, but firmly, after I covered Saki’s mouth with my hand tightly and hid us both beneath the futon’s cover. The reason was simple.

*crack* *squeek* *CRACK* *SQUEEK*

I could hear someone’s footsteps outside the room. They were getting louder and louder. Someone was approaching, without a doubt. And my other weeb sense (the first one being the ultimate hearing and outside-the-room-awereness of course), was sure about that ‘someone’s’ identity. Ah yes, the Someone Walking Into a Room Where Some Quality Scene Is Taking Place™ . A classic for a reason. Who would’ve thought it’d haunt me so early.

“...” I kept quiet as the sliding door of the room we were hiding beneath the futon’s covers in opened. After a short while, they closed softly and now-clearly-audible footsteps were drawing nearer and nearer. Me and Saki were lying facing each other, hoping not to get found. I finally looked in her direction after instinctively following the footsteps’ sound with my eyes.

Aaaand she was fast asleep already. 

My chance for rejecting the infamous Virgin title was wasted. What’s more, she probably won’t even remember anything from what just happened. Lined with hardships and disappointments, is the road of the Protagonist™

Not to mention, the next challenger, who was sneaking into my futon like it was their secret bat-cave. I did my best to keep calm and pretend to be asleep. I figured that was the best thing for me to do. And then I felt something pressing against my back. Something soft as a not-fully inflated balloon and warm as… a not-fully inflated balloon with warm water inside. I’m really done with any fancy comparisons for the day, sorry. Before I could derive any guilty joy from the sensation though… And maybe it’s just me, but isn’t there an awful lot of ecchi stuff happening today?

“If you turn my way, you’re dead.” Such a simple and hostile greeting (and such big breasts) could be but one person’s work.

“You’re the one pressing your breasts against me, Mayo-nee sama.”

“Shikata nai deshou?! That’s what I’m supposed to do, right? And you don’t have to hide Saki under there. She’s asleep anyway, right?” Huh, I guess hiding under the blankets was too obvious for Mai, who was still shamelessly lying behind me.

“How the hell do you know all that?”

“Uuh, I’m a weeb? Hello? Somebody there?” She started knocking on my head like it was a door to a vacant room, where my brain was supposed to reside, but was nowhere to be found. “Eeeh… I heard Hayato and Saki finding the chocolates, and running off somewhere, so I figured the Drunk From Chocolates cliche was taking place, which meant that sooner or later one of them would try to assault you in your futon. And since the Trap™ isn’t the usual suspect in those kinds of scenes, I figured you’re most likely trying to fight off drunk Saki right about now, after causing a fuss in the corridor and running away into what you thought was your room. Correct?”

“Sasuga, Mayo-nee sama. Maybe it really is you, who should be the Protagonist™” She mentioned she was jealous of me being the MC, earlier today when we were waiting for the rain to pass in the dilapidated shrine.

“I know, right???” Not an ounce of modesty, does this woman have. But I’ll admit, her predicting what was going on means she’s the real deal.

“Not to mention the show you put up in the hot springs.” I was referring to Mai playing along with my plan, even though we’ve never discussed it, and her distracting other girls with beautiful boob-fondling technique.

“I-I only did that because I wanted to touch some boobs! I like girls also, after all…!”

“Sure, sure. You knew very well I was there, hidden under a bucket, so you made a fuss for me to seek Saki’s help and escape. Not only that, but you also perfectly predicted the outcome of Saki and Hayato finding the chocolates. And you like Rika too. In other words, you’re a fellow rom-com anime expert. I tip my hat to you. One weeb to another.”

“...” She didn’t answer. My guess being, she actually got embarrassed from all the compliments… Were those really compliments?”

“So, that being said…” I put my life on the line and turned Mai’s way. Her expression was way cuter than I could ever imagine. Her eyes looking down in a troubled manner, cheeks reddened… And her cleavage in plain view. My eyes were already used to the dark, so I could easily notice. After snapping back to reality, I continued: “You have officially passed the test. I hereby offer you to join my club as the vice-president.”

“...” Again, silence.

“Uuuuh, Mai-san? Everything okay? Helloooo, Mai?”

“...o-oka…”

“ ‘Oka?’ ”

“ I said ‘okay’! Jesus!” She literally screamed to the heavens and, with one swift motion, turned the other way taking the blankets with her. 

“Really?! You’re gonna join for real?!” A beacon of hope for actually completing this worlds ‘story’ has been lit.

“But not because you’re asking for it, okay?! I just… just… You’re such a hopeless moron, you’re gonna need someone who actually knows their shit, aren’t you?! You won’t do shit without me!” Again, not being honest and making up laughable excuses… 

“Yea yea, I get it, I’m trash and you’re the boss. All hail Mayo-nee sama, the Queen of Oil and Egg.” I say as monotonously as I can.

“Hmpf, I’m glad you agree.” 

We were lying like that for a few good minutes. Mai’s back facing me and Saki sleeping behind me, completely unbothered by Mai’s screams. Just when I thought that maybe Mai’s also given in to sleep, she spoke up again. Unusually softly this time.

“It was fun.”

“...Huh?”

“Today. It was really fun… And you know… Thanks. For putting up with me.” Mai’s words hit me way harder than they should have. It could’ve been the first time since we’ve met that she's said something genuinely kind and honest.

“Well, it’s not an easy task, just so you know.” And just as I was expecting another ‘Shut up, you cheeky wanker’...
“Haha, I know, sorry, sorry!” All I could think of was, who was this girl and what had she done with the real Mai. But I didn’t want to spoil her unusually good mood, so I kept that thought to myself. “And not just today.” She continued. “All this trip has been pretty cool. Even though I didn’t want to admit it. The sausages with the mayo were delicious, I got to play some ping-pong… Even Saki forcing me to play card games and pillow-wrestle with her… and even the girls from our class forcing me to dance yesterday. I hate dancing and all those girly stuff, but… It all felt like I was getting a second chance at being a normal teen, you know?” I couldn’t help, but smile genuinely.

“I’m glad you had a good time then. It was hard work for me, but yeah, I had a ball too. Let’s do our best from now on, Vice-president. Yoroshiku”

“Yoroshiku~” 

Just whhen I thought our weirdly normal conversation ended, Mai spoke up once again.

“Thanks.”

“You already thanked me though?” Which was enough of a shock, but there she goes again.

“I just felt like I needed to say it again… You’re not such a bad person after all.”

“Was that supposed to be a complement or something?”

“Oh, shut up!” 

“Yea, that’s more like it.” Even though she said that in a humorous, not actually angry tone.

“Anyway, thanks for listening to my pitiful story back at the shrine… I needed to get it off my chest.”

“Don’t mention it, glad I could come in handy.” I had a fun time too, after all. Plus it turns out being a lyrical punching bag paid off in the end.

“...Hey?” After another brief pause, she called me again, shyly this time.

“Yea?”

“...You wanna do another tier list sometime? Maybe of shitty harem rom-coms? Since we’ve found ourselves in one?”

“Or maybe a list of shitty harem rom-com cliches? Since we need to be recreating those ourselves?”

“Why not both?”

“You got it.”

“...Won’t Saki be jealous?” Again, in a slightly troubled tone.

“Now that you mention it… Nah, it should be fine. I asked her out on a date to compensate. Need to start acting a bit more boyfriend-like after all.

“Took you a while to realize that, huh? But maybe you’re the Protagonist™, precisely ‘cause you’re just as dense as one.”

“... Can’t really deny that.”

“Haha, yeah…”

“...”

“...”

“Oh, by the way.” I spoke up upon realizing something. “Did you manage to find the panties?”

“HUH?!” …I should not have said that.
“Ah, no, I was just wondering-”

“No, I did not find my panties, why?!”

“... Maybe I’ll just turn around and go to sleep?” I say softly in an apologetic manner.

“Yea, good idea.” Ouch, harsh. I heard her getting back to her previous position. We were now lying back-to-back to each other. “Baka… Hehe~” She probably didn’t want me to hear that, but I did catch that little giggle suggesting she wasn’t really mad. A nice change of pace from the usual Mai, I have to say. But judging from her reaction… She wasn’t wearing any pants at all. And that thought, paired with what almost happened with Saki just now, kept me awake through most of the night.