Chapter 4 – Anger

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If a man traveled in time, what would he do?

Me, I ate a sizzling sisig, two cheeseburgers, and a bunch of savory dishes. I chomped through everything as if something was chasing me. I was anxious… Afraid to go back again to that prison hell. Maybe I’m just dreaming, so… much as well enjoy it while it lasted.

But the day ended and I was still not in the cell. I'm back in the normal world…

I didn’t have any in my possession, just a few cash. And all of it got wasted in the sumptuous meal earlier. I didn’t feel regret, though.

Actually, I felt relieved. It felt like a burden was lifted. ‘Me’ the burden of her family, was now left alone. They were good people, to be honest. It was just… I knew they didn’t like me. Who would, after knowing my background? I’m pretty nothing aside from having a tired mom who had a limp and a father who exhausted himself to death. Literal dead.

I had nothing to offer but my love for her. Yet, she loved me back. That was why they accepted me. It was kind of them.

Even though my life improved later, I adapted a few vices along the way instead. My wife often talked about it, but I shrugged it off. Her parents frowned at me, but I took it as a sign of myself finally having strength. I gambled, got drunk, and partied all day. It was ‘my share’ of money anyway, I thought. Also, it was advantageous not only to me but to us, because we closed many enormous deals.

The dirt-poor loner became the friendliest business person in town. And the sole reason I befriended that demon… Daimon.

I thought I got lucky. He was just awarded for something I didn’t understand… something like he did in the academic circle. They said it was a new era. Blah, blah. Anyway, he was such a hotshot. Who didn’t want to grab his arm when he was within length? Handsome, charismatic, and rich. I salivated, thinking of collaborating with him. But it turned out to be a pig’s pit. Err, a hell’s pit!

Unlike me, he was a true entrepreneur, someone I thought should be scholarly because of the above mention. Incredible business insights poured out of his mouth like he was a singer singing his best. It was an incredulous experience making me feel inferior to the bone. I wanted to nitpick, but he was really great. The day ended, and a mixture of exhilaration and powerlessness overcame my mind.

I am pretty positive, though. This was the largest deal I've ever had! What was the point of feeling inferior? Can I eat it? A big no!

I invited him because of that. And everything descended until we lost and destroyed ourselves.

I fucked up. I knew that. And I should fix it too. But… as I’d said… I’m not a masochist. Maybe others would be a hero. But I’m not. I became a realist the minute I knew the extent of my abilities. No matter how passionate one person was, it should dawn on him where his limits lay. And I learned this when I was a child.

Not that I didn’t have hot blood. Anyone, I believed, had it, just lying in the corner of their veins. And I did. That was why I suffered. I took the blame, got imprisoned, and lived my life in hell! Was that not enough? I wanted to live differently now! Pipe dreams or what not? They could fuck away for all I care!

I’m angry! It was a stupid move to change the story just because we lost! Why did I lose my mind then? Why? Was it because of her death? Heh. It must be… I didn’t want to lose!

I knew it all along. When someone who had nothing had gotten something, they didn’t want to lose it anymore! Riches! Power! These things blinded me! For Christ’s sake, I should be ‘me’. The past me, not the person who thought he had changed! Then, I won’t experience such hellish situations!

How laughable thinking I could be a cockroach when even it was royalty to me!

I should have lived my life in the corner. Away from fear. Away from the burden. Away from anything related to what happened.

Thinking back, my dead father wasn’t a hero for stubbornly working. He was an idiot. No one gave him medals or riches, he just further burdened our family. My mother too. She should just abandon me. At least, she won’t be in an accident and fractured her leg. Thus, I should have expected where I had gotten my stupidity.

Drip. Drip.

“These aren’t tears. It’s the rain.” I looked up and my face became red.

The golden radiance of dawn had arrived.

…