CW: Gore, panic attack

 

The night passed hazily as I tried to remember it. I was laying down on the couch with my hands underneath my head as I stared out the massive windows. I cocked my head to the side and sighed, closing my eyes.

The stress from last night was catching up to me. I felt my breathing hitch as I remembered what the woman’s body felt like in my hands. Her neck was pulsating, beckoning me into it. I relaxed into the memory, re-experiencing the feed. It was like I was back in the moment. My fangs were extended and her body heat was emanating all around me.

I was jolted back to reality.

I’d almost killed her.

I felt my breathing quicken. I pushed into the corner of the couch cushions, hoping that I could just disappear. My breathing was getting faster.

I could’ve killed her. What about her family? What about her wants? Am I allowed to just decide who gets to live and die because what? I’m hungry?

I reached my hands into the cracks and rubbed at my eyes. The long sleeves of the sweater were enough to soak up the tears, but I kept pushing. I pushed until my eyes started to hurt from the pressure.

I shouldn’t even be alive. I’m gross. I’m a killer. A predator.

My breathing was getting even faster. I curled my legs up into the side of the couch and kept pushing against my eyes. The pain got too much so I just started to sob loudly. I clawed at my arms feeling a sickening pressure. I kept sobbing and started to feel like I was in a tight space. The world was closing in around me.

Not good enough. Not good enough. Nuisance. Killer. Awful. Disgusting. I should just kill my—

“Isabelle!”

A voice rang out above all the chaos in my mind. I didn’t stop hyperventilating, but I felt arms grapple me.

“Isabelle, it’s ok. Snap out of it. It’ll be alright. I’m here. I’m here.” I didn’t know who was there but I felt them pull me up into a sitting position and tightly pin my arms to my side as they hugged me.

“Shh, shh, shh. Sweet girl.”

I was still breathing quickly but it was slowing down. I felt whoever was with me start to stroke my head.  My tears were still flowing as I started to hiccup. My breathing stalled as I started to understand my surroundings more. I opened my eyes a little bit to take in more of the situation.

“It’s ok. It’s ok. I’m here.”

I’m ok. I’m ok.

My thoughts were becoming manageable and so was my breathing. I felt the grip around me loosen and I slumped down a little without the support.

“Hey? Are you ok? You seemed to be going through it.”

I looked toward the speaker and saw Victoria. She was in comfortable clothes and looked like an angel. I registered what she said, but I just couldn’t speak. Words seemed to dry my mouth out.  I shook my head then buried myself into her chest hugging her.

We sat like that for a while until I finally felt ok. I pushed myself up and stared into her comforting eyes.

“We don’t have to talk, Belle. I just want to make sure you’re ok.” She looked at me with soft, kind eyes. She seemed genuinely caring. I nodded and pulled myself together.

“It was–it was about last night,” I sputtered the words out. She looked at me with knowing eyes and embraced me.

“I understand sis. Do you want me to tell you about my first feed? Would it make you feel better to have someone relate to you or would you rather talk about your issues with last night? We also don’t have to talk about anything if you don’t want to. I can just make some popcorn and we can watch a movie.” She looked at me with a tender caring smile. I felt her love shine through.

“Could we just talk about last night a little,” I looked down. “And, uh, then, um,” I rubbed my hands together, “can we still watch the movie after?”

She laughed slightly. “Of course we can. You don’t have to say anything that makes you uncomfortable. I’m here to listen.”

I nodded and pulled the end of my sweater over my fingertips.

“I–I just don’t want to be a killer. I feel like I almost killed someone last night.” I felt tears well up, but Tory quickly reached out and softly grabbed my face, wiping the big tears away.

“Hey,” she said softly, “It’s alright. I understand you and it’s ok to feel that way. Do you want my advice or to just state your issues?”

Her kindness wasn’t particularly new but it was still odd. She was so wishy washy. One day a cold killer at Chelsea’s beck and call, the next, a kind loving sisterly woman. I couldn’t quite figure her out.

“I–uh, what do you think about it?”

She took a deep breath. “Well,” she sighed slightly, “I was terrified after my first feed, but I can let Chelsea know and she can help. Being scared of yourself is your humanity. Each feed gets easier and, besides, she didn’t die. You’re not a killer. And I’ll be damned if I let you become one.” She looked strong and resilient. I admired her, but her words tied my stomach in a knot.

“I don’t think I want Chelsea’s help right now.” I finished the sentence, expecting pressure to build up behind my eyes indicating Chelsea’s constant presence, but nothing happened. I took a mental note of that then continued. “Thank you, but why does it get easier?”

Her eyebrows furrowed. “Well, it just does. Everything gets easier as you go. I doubt you’ll actually kill anyone from feeding. You may seem to have an enormous appetite and quick desire to satiate it, but I can be there for you if you need to be stopped, or Chelsea will,” she beamed as she spoke Chelsea’s name.

I appreciated her coming to my aid when I was freaking out, but I started to feel a little apprehensive towards her words and reactions.

Was this C? There’s something fishy going on with her and her advice.

I made another mental note to go over these issues later, but outwardly sighed.

“I don’t think I want to talk about this anymore. Movie?”

“Sure,” she said happily as she bounced up from the couch and went to the kitchen.

 

***

 

I walked back to my room. The movie was mind numbing enough that I could forget about all of the confusion of the past days. I wanted to accept Victoria’s words and kindness, but her undying devotion to Chelsea was still weird.

The sweater covered my fingers as I went to open the doors, slipping off the handle. I took a sharp breath in through my teeth as I couldn’t get the door open and had to eventually pull my sleeves up. I was bored and in a rut. This was just another mild inconvenience. One that piled on the already mountain high list of things pissing me off. Light poured in from behind me illuminating the room. My silhouette was fixed as a shadow below me.

I looked at it curiously. It was still weird to recognize as my own. There I was. There she was. Not only was I myself, but I was Chelsea too. Sure, she was kind and wonderful last night, but what about the days before?

She’d been manipulating me for almost the whole time I knew her. Hell, she’d expressly stolen my life, my decisions from me. I ground my teeth together. 

Almost as if on cue, the elevator dinged and Chelsea’s graceful self walked out. I hadn’t fully stepped into my room yet. I was frozen in place as I looked at her.

“Isabelle, be a dear and come here.” She was wearing her classic dark gothic style. No business front today. It was dark jeans ripped thoroughly, fishnets underneath, tall platform shoes, and a grunge band tea. Her fashion sense was growing on me, and I kind of wanted to explore on that front. But her words annoyed me. There was a sense of posh expectance, like whatever she said was law.

Considering she’d been alive for so long, I assumed it was a part of her upbringing or something. I still didn’t understand the concept of vampire families yet. How did they even have children, let alone raise them? I shuddered at the thought.

“Isabelle.” She looked at me annoyed. “Here. Now,” she pointed next to her as she spoke. I frowned but felt my body start to move. I walked solemnly towards where she wanted me, but inwardly resented her.

“Sorry,” she cringed, “I–I’ll try to be more forgiving for you.” She shook her head and looked at her hands. She looked away from them immediately, but for a split second, she looked like she was in shock or mourning. I couldn’t see the emotion perfectly, but she was clearly hiding something. Regardless, it was over as soon as it appeared. She went right back to prim and proper Chelsea. “Anyway,” she said, pursing her lips, “I want you to start training right away.”

“Training for what?” I replied.

“Like I told you last night, the James’ clan and our own, are at a dangerous crossroads. There’s no telling when the hostilities will boil over and explode into full on war. I want you to be prepared. And,” she raised an eyebrow, “your special Isabelle. Victoria and I noticed it the night we met you in the diner. I’m not sure quite what makes you special, but you couldn’t be charmed like normal. You needed my blood before you could relax.” She circled around the island in the kitchen. “I want you to hone that ability. It could be vital in the upcoming days. Regardless of what gift you have, you need to be trained.”

I stood there slack jawed. I didn’t really understand. I remembered Victoria having issues making me calm down, but it all happened so fast, so I didn’t really focus on it. Trying to pull myself from the confusion I aimed to combat her. “Why didn’t you tell me this sooner?”

Her face contorted into anger, then calmed down. “Because, sweetheart, I thought you knew. If you didn’t I apologize. Anyways, get ready. Put on some workout clothes. I’m sure Tory made sure you have some then meet me at the elevator. I’ll walk you to where you need to be, but then it’s up to your trainer,” she finished off with a smug grin.

I wasn’t sure how to absorb the whole situation. I was still reeling from last night, regardless of how much Tory had helped. I slumped down a little and walked to my room. All I wanted to do was cry. I didn’t want to train. I didn’t want to be a vampire. I just wanted to be myself and be safe. I just wanted Hazel.

I closed the door and changed into appropriate clothes then headed to my fate.

 

***

 

The walk to wherever we were going wasn’t too long, about ten minutes tops. Chelsea didn’t try to make small talk as we walked. She more or less guided me and left me to my thoughts. I appreciated it, because I couldn’t bear to talk to her about it, especially after how adamant Tory was about how she’d ‘make me feel better.’ I didn’t want to subscribe to her particular shade of medicine.

We rounded a corner of a building and headed directly towards a side door. I thought it was weird because the side door was on a quiet street, but it was out in the open. So far, we’d gone to hidden locations, but this one was just–visible.

“Hey Chels?” She turned around quickly and grinned at me happily.

“Yes, Belle?”

“Um, why is the door just out in the open?”

“Shh,” she put a finger to my mouth and hushed me, “Not out here,” she paused to look around. “We don’t mention anything like that out in the open,” she whispered the words, but she’d hissed them at me. Needless to say, I just nodded my head and looked at the ground.

We got to the door and she quickly entered a code on the keypad next to it. There was a flash of green, then an audible click. She pulled the door open and ushered me inside.

“In, now.” She pointed and I walked quickly. There was a rush of air through the hallway as she locked us back in. There was another clicking sound as the door closed fully. The window on it seemed to visibly tint and darken once it was closed. It seemed like no one could see us now.

“What was that about?” I asked in a soft, hurt voice.

“Sorry, honey, but we can’t let anyone know about us. The filth might start to think we help charity cases,” she growled the last words.

“Was–was I a charity case? Why turn me then?” I started to feel tears well up in my eyes. She rolled her eyes, seemingly annoyed with me. It only served as more pain and something else to stack on the mountain.

“No. You have a gift. Now, stop crying and get ready to train,” she spoke firmly and walked past me. I took a second to gather myself.

I was still confused about everything. Just as I thought I was understanding life, it all changed. I frowned. I knew if I kept going down that train of thought, I’d never leave the hallway, so I forced myself to go down it.

The walls were relatively mundane. It felt like I was in a tiny rectangular prism that just stretched. There was drab gray that painted the walls, with boring white flecked tile on the ground. It wasn’t much to look at. I could see Chelsea not too much farther down the hall and ran to catch up with her.

In her platforms, she was much taller than me. I started to wonder if she wore shoes like this specifically to increase her height. It wasn’t the first time this had happened and she had intimidated me. I didn’t want to talk anymore and it seemed like she didn’t either.

We walked for what seemed like too long for a building. Sure, there were some curvature here and again, but it felt like several minutes. Finally, the hallway opened up into a simple room. Before it fully expanded, there was a staircase to the right that led upwards. Chelsea stopped before the room and turned to me.

“Here is where we depart. You go in there and meet your instructor. I will be waiting until the lesson is over nearby,” she leaned in closely, “do not disappoint me. You did well last night, even resisted the urge to kill, but I want you to be better. You need to be better. Go.” She pulled away and pointed to the room.

I could only look at her. She was so different from last night. She almost seemed caring last night.

Was that all an act? Am I stupid? That could just be how she expresses her love and care. Maybe I need to earn her appreciation? Should I even have to?

I closed my eyes tightly, then nodded my head. I didn’t want to see her anymore. It was too confusing for me mentally. I wanted her to care about me, to love me, even if she did kidnap me. But she seemed to for one minute, then just didn’t in the next. Truthfully, I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t let myself show that weakness.

I pulled myself together and walked into the room. I didn’t turn to see Chelsea leave. I couldn’t see her leave. If she left, then that meant she didn’t care.

Did she really leave? If she wanted to, she could know exactly what was happening if I thought of her name.

I really wanted to think of her name, but I didn’t let myself. I tried to get a good understanding of my surroundings to fully grasp what the intent of my ‘training’ really was. 

The room was modest. It was fairly large and housed several randomly shaped blocks. They seemed to be made of some carbon steel like material. They looked hard but darkly colored. The blocks seemed to sprout directly from the ground and made a spaced out maze. One wall was lined with mirrors and another had a door. A ring of blacked out windows made up all of the walls higher up. There seemed to be no end to the ceiling it just stretched all the way to the top of the building. It was almost like I was directly in the middle and this was all this building was for.

“Ah, I see she brought you to me finally,” a soft masculine voice danced around the training room. I couldn’t pin point directly where it came from and I looked for it like my life depended on it.

What if this was the start of the tests? I need to locate the voice.

“No worries dear. I appreciate you enthusiasm, but I’m,” a tall lithe man walked from behind a block, “right here.” He smiled mischievously.

He was a tall, attractive man with brown skin. His hair was tightly cut on the sides but grown out a little on the top. He wore a skin tight black training suit with an insignia on his chest. He looked like he was directly out of a space movie. Like an astronaut ready to get into their space suit. The material looked expensive and breathable, like he was a professional sports player with access to the best equipment. His teeth were stark white, making me a little off put. He looked too perfect.

“Isabelle, isn’t it? I’m Nek. Nice to meet you.” He sauntered over to me and extended a hand which I took.

The world seemed to spin around me and I felt a crunch. I was looking up at the endless stretch of ceiling with Nek standing over me.

“First rule. Trust no one,” he smirked. “Not even me.”

I pushed myself off the floor out of a clear divet I’d made in the ground from impact. I was furious. Firstly, I was in pain and secondly, I’d just been made to look like a fool. I lunged at him intent on clocking him in the face.

As I started to fly at him, Nek disappeared. Just as he left my field of vision, I saw movement in my peripheral vision. Suddenly, I was colliding with a block sprouting from the ground and first hand found out that they were, in fact, very hard.

“Ah,” I screamed out, “What the fiddle sticks?!”

He looked at me funnily, then started laughing. “ ‘What the fiddle sticks?’ Damn girl, you’re a character. Now, relax and let’s start this lesson. First, Chelsea says you have some sort of gift that even she couldn’t charm you prior to turning you. I’m here as another Pure to confirm that, train you on it, and get your general hand to hand combat up to casual speed. You ready?’

“Whatever,” I said annoyed. I looked down at the ground, then felt another sickening crunch in my back as I was thrown across the room. I’d collided with a wall and felt my spine shift in ways it shouldn’t. I couldn’t breathe and felt myself start to panic.

I was gasping for air. My chest was constricting tightly and quickly; my lungs making every effort they could to capture oxygen. As the moment stretched, I felt my vision start to tunnel. Black started to fade in on all sides. Air. Air. Air.

I coughed and inhaled. My lungs filled up and I sputtered out blood. I coughed again. The blood was a dark viscous red, but, still, blood. I looked up from my hunched over position and made eye contact with Nek. I hated him. Anger filled my entire being. No matter what I was going to kill him. I couldn’t think straight. He’d ignited some sort of survival complex and all I wanted was his head.

I growled at him angrily like a cornered predator ready to strike. “Ahh, there she is. The real killer. That’s who I want. None of this ‘whatever,’ nonsense,” he mimicked my voice in his last sentence. It pissed me off.

In one second he was feet away from me, the next he was inches from my face. He stared directly into my eyes and spoke, “Relax.” It was a direct command and I almost fell for it. I could feel my body relax for a second then I snapped out of it.

I shook my head and the fury reignited. I didn’t know what to do, but I grabbed him by the head and bit into his neck. I pulled at the flesh and the tendons. I ripped out a chunk and felt his dark blood coat my fangs. He screamed out, flinching for only a second, before he gripped my neck with his hand. He slammed me hard into the wall, breaking my back in more places.

“You bitch!” He pulled me from the divot in the wall and slammed me back into it causing me to yelp in pain. I was sobbing now. My anger not satiated, but pain out shining it.

He let go of me and staggered back into a block holding his own neck. He slumped down and sat down on the ground. Without his unwarranted support, I felt myself fall directly on the ground and I couldn’t move. My vertebrae were shattered in several places. I didn’t know what I did to deserve all of this but I just started sobbing.

“Thrall! THRALL! Get the fuck in here!” He screamed and the door suddenly opened to a wide eyed human staring at the scene. “Get the fucking blood you idiot. Bring her some too. We’re not done training.” He snarled the last words at me. In mere moments, that felt like forever with the pain screaming out all around me, a blood bag was placed to my lips and sucked at it greedily.

The euphoria bathed me in its light lifting the fog that was placed by the pain. I could feel my spine clicking back into place. My whole body started to feel lighter. Some time went by before I could fully lift myself off the ground and lean against the wall, but it did eventually happen.

As I sat there, I saw Nek looking at me curiously. “What? Want to hurt me more?”

He laughed slightly, “No. You use what you know that’s for sure,” he glanced at his bloody hand. “I just find it interesting you’re healing so fast. I’m a Pure and I don’t even heal that fast,” he lifted his hand to show the slowly mending flesh at his neck. There was still dark blood that he was trying to block, but it didn’t seem like he needed to hold his hand there for long. “Plus, you actually did resist a Pure’s charm. That’s interesting. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone do it on the first time. It's a feat that can be trained for, but it usually takes a while and many never can.”

I took his words into consideration. I didn’t quite get it, but I felt special. It was a nice warm feeling coagulating with the high of the blood. “I’m not sure I fully understand it either, but I guess whatever helps.”

“It definitely helps you, that's for sure. Whenever you’re healed, take five. I’m not sure I’ll be fully healed for the rest of the training sesh. I’ll give you that little Belle. You’ve struck the mighty Nek. Not many can say that. So you’ve earned my respect, for now at least.”

His words warmed a little campfire near my heart and I felt pride well up inside me. He’d underestimated me so quickly and then dang near immobilized me, but I fought back. He wasn’t a human. He was a vampire like me. A monster. I was allowed to hurt him. I felt no pain for this fight, just strength.