“Ahem, so about the army, will there be any problems?” Argul quickly pushed the conversation onwards, partly to prevent an awkward situation and partly to overshadow her indecisiveness to hug her daughter. She really wanted to, but she wasn’t sure if it was appropriate and if Alyra was okay with it.
For a normal person this might not be a problem, but Argul was anything but normal and sadly, her humanoid avatar came with a lot of mental baggage from her previous life attached. Not knowing how to deal with human social interaction was deep ingrained into her subconsciousness and the longer she stayed humanoid the more her issues resurfaced.
This wasn’t to say that Argul hated her humanoid avatar. Similar to her fox form it had its pros and cons and the one she appreciated the most was that it wasn’t that tall. Hands weren’t a necessity when one had magic.
Thankfully for Argul her daughter made the decision for her and snuggled against her side before she answered.
“Hmm, it really depends on how you define problems.” Alyra rolled her eyes at her mother. “Even with your mana output you won’t hear anything from the military for a few days. They are pretty much occupied taking over the city and have to clear out parts of the ghost town to relocate some people from Sacra there. Without modern technology they are unable to supply the whole capital with food. Though, what really keeps them back is the church. They called first dibs on you.”
Argul let out a defeated sigh when she heard that. The church was way worse of a problem to deal with, at least in her opinion.
Since she didn’t go out much and the people who visited the inn tended not to be the religious and overly zealous kind, Argul didn’t have a lot of personal experience when it came to dealing with the current church. Going by what Alyra ranted about every now and then though, it was going to be a pain in the ass, though this time it would be the god who was at fault for that. Argul essentially viewed Meran, the both of them, as entitled arrogant little brats who were disguising themselves as grown ups. One of them was just a tad more violent.
Argul wasn’t sure what they wanted from her, however, it was likely that they wanted her to join, which she would not do. In about 3 weeks she would leave Newport, with or without the approval of the authorities.
“When exactly are they going to visit?”
“Hmm, the church is sending one of their bishops to talk with you and he has to travel to Newport from Sacra first, so likely in two days. Barring any incidents that increase their urgency they won’t bother coming earlier.” Alyra gave Argul a meaningful glance, which she chose to ignore.
Instead, she nodded to herself with a bit of satisfaction. If that was the case she would have tomorrow to enchant the plate of analyze.
The two of them stayed silent for some time, simply enjoying each other's company. Neither of them were really worried about how things would turn out, only severely annoyed.
After a few minutes Alyra spoke up again, with a hint of tension and worry in her voice. “Mom, if I did something bad, would you still love me?”
The question surprised Argul and she looked at her daughter. Out of all existences out there, Alyra, she had expected least of all to ask her that. As the being of mana and her daughter, didn’t she know everything, even thoughts?
Perhaps that was not so and just one of Argul’s many assumptions.
Even so, it was not exactly a difficult question to answer for Argul and she simply started to scratch her daughter behind her ears.
“No matter what you do, I will always love you, Aly. I might get angry or disappointed, sure, but at the end of the day that won’t change my deepest feelings.” She smiled.
Argul had two major opinions on the topic. First, love is a choice. If the only thing that keeps a pair together is sexual attraction then they have failed. And second, children deserve unconditional love from their parents. If the parents weren’t ready for that, they shouldn’t have a kid in the first place.
Argul didn’t really have a choice in the latter since Alyra came a bit unexpected, that didn’t keep her from staying true to those two ideals however.
After listening to her mum, Alyra hugged her fiercely. “Thanks mum!”
Argul smiled and poked her daughter teasingly. “So, what did you actually do?”
There was no way that someone would ask such a question just because, right?
At least Argul thought that if one was already that insecure they wouldn’t ask this in fear of inconveniencing the other person or coming across as weird. She had more than enough experience in this from her previous life to be somewhat of an expert, though she definitely didn’t take pride in it.
“Uhh…” Alyra released her and looked away, avoiding eye contact with Argul.
“Have you ever wondered about how your core and subsequently the system came to be?”
Argul had to think about that for a bit, because she really hadn’t until this very moment and was still inclined not to do so. Why would she?
When she had regained her senses as a mana core, she had been at her lowest point in life. Though her financial situation had been stable, her mental health had long since given up. So, depressed as Argul had been, she hadn’t even thought about questioning the second chance in front of her, that she desired oh so much, too heavily.
Sure, her body was obviously not natural, but so what?
The starting point of the system, too, was a bit iffy as well as how and why Alyra chose a dungeon-style setting, but at the time everything was foggy and more like a dream to Argul, so she didn’t question things. Later she had just forgotten about it or simply accepted it as her new reality.
Alyra wasn’t sure whether she should be happy or dejected after listening to her mum. For one, it was great news that she enjoyed her new life and found something that she enjoyed. It was a great improvement compared to her condition in her previous life. Quite literally universes apart.
On the other hand though, her mothers lack of suspicion towards her situation was not exactly praiseworthy. Then again, depressed and suicidal people were probably the last who would care about their situation in such great detail and one didn’t look a gift horse in the mouth, so perhaps Alyra shouldn’t bother about it.
She let out a deep breath and looked at the ceiling.
“To begin, I think we can both agree that something created you and that you aren’t some weird cosmical phenomenon. However, what you probably didn’t think about is that I, too, was created by that being, only that it used the energy you generate, mana, to make me.” Alyra gave her mother a look.
“So, what you are saying is that you have a, a dad?” She nodded.
Argul was genuinely surprised by this for a few moments before an acted look of horror washed over her face and she let out a groan. “Oh goodness, I got raped as a man by some alien and then even gave birth! And to top it all off, I never noticed!”
“Pfffh.” Alyra laughed at this. She couldn’t help it.
Argul smiled, satisfied that her joke worked. She was content with her current life, so she didn’t worry about whatever her daughter had done and thus didn’t take the situation seriously.
Alyra took a few breaths to calm down again and shook her head in amusement. “Anyway, I have no idea what changed you and created me. What I do know is that immediately after I was created our birth universe reacted violently to your presence and threw us away somehow through something, that felt like nothing at the same time. We didn’t even take a second to arrive in Lotusriver so the sensation was only brief, but I guess we were between universes at that moment.”
Argul hummed thoughtfully to herself. This was interesting information and she concurred with her daughter's theory, but it wasn’t something she could make use of for quite some time.
Neither was it something Alyra had to be guilty about for that matter. “So?”
“Well, Fia subsequently locked you away as you already know and then-” Alyra bit her lip and looked away. “Then I prevented your core from growing and used the mana to fuel the system instead.”
Argul looked at the tense body of her daughter for a moment and then hugged her gently. “It’s okay dear, I don’t mind.”
Alyra quivered in guilt, but also frustration because she already knew the answer to her question. “But why! Why don’t you care mom?!”
Argul caressed her head and gave her a kiss between her ears. “Because for all that I think about the future, get excited about it and make plans, I don’t have ambition. You could have kept me on the first floor and I would have been content as long as you were happy.”
This was something that she had never told anyone, but perhaps the one biggest reason for the end of her previous life. Ambition was, after all, the creed that every child got taught in a capitalist society passively, subconsciously without being aware of it. An ambitious worker had more motivation, did more and thus, was a better worker.
Argul however, had been empty her whole life in that regard. She didn’t want big things and didn’t have big dreams. That made her the odd one out and, while no one else noticed it, she herself got pressured at every possible turn. She didn’t understand the people around her, where they got their energy and motivation from and had to lie every day about her future dreams. She had none after all.
A different child would have told the truth perhaps, but not her. She had witnessed what happened to those who didn’t fit in when her big brother got bullied in school very early on in her life and from that moment on, she buried the truth deep inside of herself, for she didn’t want that to happen to her. It wasn’t a conscious decision, kids rarely did those, and simply happened.
Argul had always wondered if her life would have been different if she had been born in a different time, a time where parents taught their craft to their children. She would simply help her family and take over once her parents got too old and live her life passively like that. Modern day work that way sadly and the more she was confronted with fitting in, finding a job, a family and work until she died, the more overwhelmed she became until everything came crashing down after she graduated from her A-levels.
It was all history now and even better, she didn’t have to fit in with human society anymore. That alone was such a heavy relief that she wouldn’t have cared if her daughter kept her weak. The only difference to her previous life was that she wanted her daughter to be happy, that was her ambition.
Something wasn’t quite right with Alyra’s story though. As far as Argul knew, her daughter was like a modern AI in that she couldn’t create original things, so how did she make the system?
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The end of the chapters feels kinda rough.
aye, I can understand that. I uhh, have trouble to translate my thoughts (not my imagination but my own mostly mental problems) into something understandable for others and I really wanted to get that out and be done with it, so I finished it as quick as possible. This is also only kinda half the chapter because the conversation still continues.
It's stuff like that that I will have to work on when I edit this some time (and I will hate myself for it ^^). I think it's okay though, because this is just my skript.
@Otjag you do a pretty good and the quality is here so don't beaten yourself about it.
I am glad to see you again.
Alright *sits down mentally* lets have a serious, maybe one sided, talk Mr. @Otjag … for one I can sense the undertone of depression and a few other things swirling in here so that’s something, to be able to convey that emotion passively or not is a good achievement. But if you are depressed, don’t hide it, don’t put it in a jar and let it fester. Do something about it, ask why you are depressed, “why am I so depressed?” Simply ask that, And Figure. It. Out. Then seek help, not just professional help. Everybody, family, friends, random commenters on scribble hub that somehow give good advice sometimes… cause think about what would happen if you decided to simply, Disappear… cause that’s what that thought process leads to. If your feeling guilty about things related to people, tell the people. Or it will grow like an infection and resonate with any others, furthering them all even more. More often than not you are going to get support if you simply ask. And if you make it through the fog filled with traps, then you can help those who have your same problem far better than any random person that dosent think themselves any Saint…. You get it? Give yourself anchors, to keep you to the ground while you fly, for you could go to high and get a glimpse of the nothingness, but then, if you make it back down… you can simply smile, still knowing of all those things that made you so sad, but now you can look at them and say, let’s make a map, so I’m not lost again.then you live on, looking at those smiles you can make, and see the haters and think, they can just leave. Don’t let this fester, go be free of this… I hope I helped @Otjag , for even I must one day brave the fog
Stop hiding emotion behind an LED facade, let it out, if you think it’s cringe, I’ll be frank… shut the f*ck up. The day someone says letting your emotions out so you can fix a shattering soul is stupid as hell. This could be you I’m cursing right now, so stop these damn no energy ideals and get your act together, you are teetering on a very steep cliff… and if you do nothing
Y o u
W I l l
F a l l
so let us throw you a rope, and pull you back from the edge, be free of this burden you make yourself carry, cast it off and show it to the world, so what if it’s embarrassing, this path leads only to thoughts to take your life, or worse. To actually do it. So stop being a damn hoarder and let this dam go, BE FREE IF THIS BURDEN MAN, BE FREE OR BE CAST OFF TO DEATH FOR YOUR OWN SELFISH CIRCUMSTANCES, WE ARE LAZY BASTARDS THAT DONT KNOW A DAMN THING YET I THINK WE GIVE PRETTY DAMN GOOD ADVICE, AND I SWEAR UPON MY VERY. S O U L. THAT I WILL NOT LET YET ANOTHER FUXKING GOOD AUTHOR FALL OF THIS CLIFF TO JOIN THIS STACK OF BODIES? DO TOU HEAR ME @Otjag !? DO YOU HERE MY WORDS?!
@Mr.GrimDeathReaper And maybe you remember a convorsation we had previously
MOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAARR
Otjag· Author · Mar 24, 2023
oh man, that made me crack a smileBlob Aww. I was kinda out of it for the last two weeks, lacking motivation for everything (including living). Haven't been on SH until now either, though now that I finally managed to connect back to the world I hope I can start again. (So much for I'm slowly getting better. Sigh)
Mr.GrimDeathReaper· · Mar 25, 2023
@Otjag its good but, MOTIVATION, WE WANT MORE WE SHALL BEG YOU AND THREATEN YOU WITH OUR NON EXISTENT POWER TILL YOU GIVE US MORE WE SHALL WAIT TILL THE END!
at least in the end promise this, if you ever even see this *chuckles self deprecating-y* if you are at this end of your rope, about to fall off that cliff… tell us, let us know so we may try just one more time… *holds head low, grabs you shoulders* I refuse to just watch another one die
@Mr.GrimDeathReaper Ohh wow man, thanks. I'm pretty sure I already know why I'm depressed. Hell, I even know what I have to do (that I could also realistically achieve on my own) to get out and I tried damn hard for about half a year, which was the time I wrote up to 10 chapters a week easily. The thing is, I thought that I would get used to it, that it would get easier to exist the longer I keep up. It didn't, quite on the contrary it got worse and again I know the reason for this, I just can't do sh*t about it.
I mean, do you ever look around yourself, at the world you live in and realize how wrong this whole thing is? How much of a bad joke humanity is? Why do we freakin have nations and fight against each other? It doesn't make sense anymore. 400 years ago, sure, but now we know a lot more and started to look past our galaxy. There are billions of stars and planets for us to claim and discover and what do we as a species do? Exactly, we supress the poor, hord ressources, destroy our climate and tell our younger generations to shut the f*ck up about it (we don't care because we won't live long enough to experience the consequences [I'm actually part of the younger generations, but I think you get the point]). And to top it all, we tell everyone who questions what's going on that we can't elevate our society as a whole because it is impossible. I mean, how stupid is that? It would take effort, a lot of it, but it is easily feasible as long as enough people come together. The problem is that it takes away the power of those that currently hold it and we don't want that to happen, don't we?
Such a disgusting thought. Just think of what would become of us! We would stop wasting resources on fighting each other, using them to help each other instead as well as reach out into space and our species would be happy. Imagine!! Blegh! Such absurdity. Such heresy towards capitalism and those who won it. The thought alone is a betrayel against your country!
Like, f*ck your country! I'm a human so humanity is my nation and I oh so wish I could be proud about it, but eh... Not so sure about that.
There are other things I could talk about that really really frustrate me and I swear, I laught at least once a day cynically about something that happened in reallity or was perfectly depicted in fiction, only to lose my entire motivation and energy to stuff afterwards.
I don't ever freakin talk about this because, in my opinion, I have no right to. I don't do shit, don't help my parents, don't earn money, don't study. Like a useless vegetable being, well, a vegetable. So, the reasource leech that I am, I do not think I have the right to complain about stuff, to point thingers and call people stupid (though they most certainly are). I'm not championing a new cause and gather likeminded people to do something about my problem. Why would I when I have a social anxiety disorder that may as well be a phobia?
I wouldn't, that's just not who I am. Especially since I have looked at the world like this for half of my childhood and people were very adamant about enforcing the idea that everything is alright. Mind you, I never got into conflict with anyone, but that is because I have always been observant and picked up all the little cues that people do not appreciate it if you question their view of the world.
I don't contribute to society either while I rot in my bed and read though, so I don't talk. It's a matter of principle for me, and while it's kinda stupid in this case, I don't cross the line (normally).
And now I'm going to distract myself again so I don't have to feel the emptiness. Take care!
@Otjag I… often think about this. (Beware, philosophical me has arrived, you’ve awakened him.) and when I say often, I mean for probably collectively longer than a couple years, not counting that place in your mind that seems to think faster than time moves when you get all philosophical. I have pondered death life and rebirth, the beginning of the universe and religion, human stupidity, aliens, so many things, even things our bodies wernt supposed to realize we can’t imagine. @Otjag … life is life, and quoting Gandalf not verbatim we must simply make do with the time that was given to us… so what is your goal, your purpose? Hmm? Tell me, what. Well whatever you said, and I’d like to here it, life dosent give two f*cks, it’s gonna tick along with or without you, who knows, tommorow the world could be a nuclear wasteland, or time could end, revelations could come true, for all we f*cking know there’s a random being of unimaginable power that’s playing a Fachs game to create everything. We are useless, aliens could show up Tommorow and glass the planet and wipe the human race clean without even a footnote in theyre history books, maybe they don’t even have history books… you understand? The point is, we are helpless, doomed to die in our mortal lifespans and I’d bet the human race could be condemned to hell for the things we’ve done… but as I said before… we can’t do a f*cking thing. And if you think I’m trying to depress you more I’m not. It’s for the reason we can’t do a damn thing that you should stop being depressed… if your sad and depressed and shit, your not even worthless your being a hinderance and ruining the mood of those around you, and what would happen if you committed suicide? A hell of a lot of people would be depressed themselves, so stop being a little bit*h and get the hell out of this rut, you can’t figure it out, send me your moms phone number I’ll send her over myself, he’ll send me your address and I’ll get you back on your feet. Do you understand now? Mr. Otjag? We can do nothing, so why out of all the things you can do, are you f*cking yourself over, BE HAPPY, DO YOU GET IT, WE HAVE A LIMITED TIME HERE AND DEPRESSION RUNS RAMPANT BECAUSE OF OUR F*CKED UP MISTAKES, SO IF WE CANT DO A F*CKING THING? DO YOU REALIZE THAT? SO STOP BEING ALL MOPEY N’ STUFF AND GET IT TOGETHER, ILL COME BEAT IT INTO YOUR DEPRESSED SKULL MYSELF, HELL TAKE SOME ANTI-DEPRESSANTS, ENJOY LIFE BEFORE YOU LEAVE IT, HOW DO YOU KNOW IF THERE IS EVEN AN AFTERLIFE WHERE YOU CAN LIVE IT UP FOR THE REST OF ETERNITY? *sigh* do you get it? Tell me Otjag, just tell me
@Mr.GrimDeathReaper I already take anti-depressants, my body just scoffs at them daily before it gives a dry fart about them. Ohh, and I don't really have a purpose either? I mean the easiest to go for would be replicating, but that's just not my style (lul). I'm not going to give you my moms phone number. For one, she already knows, and secondly, she is depressed herself (had to learn it somewhere after all...), not that she is aware of it. Or maybe she is, what do I know.
Now, suicide, suicide is an interesting topic, don't you think? Because, let's phase it, beyond close relatives nobody really cares about the feelings of a being, they are just too far away. We don't give two shits about all the depressed and traumatized people, not even I do and I suffer myself. But, isn't it funny how we demonize suicide as a society, when we do not care? Why do we do that? Do we care on a subconscious level or do we really just need them to continue suffering so that they can work (I mean not everyone becomes unable to do sh*t like myself) and don't disrupt the work of others? If you look at it from a different perspective, don't we force people into a sometimes terrible existence and then have the gal to stop them from killing themselves for our own egoistical wellbeing?
Because, sadly, I don't get it. As much as I appreciate your support and how you talk or, well, chat with me (I wouldn't be talking about things like this face to face) I can't just enjoy life as you put it or I would. Why in the nine hells would I keep suffering ya know? I also find it weird to say, we can't do anything about it so let's just be happy. Imagine two slaves that have just been whipped telling that to each other, because that's exactly what you are saying. In truth, those that go through with ending their existence are brave beings, in my opinion at least. I'm not part of that group don't worry. I tried multiple times before I had a mental breakdown in front of my parents and really just discovered that my mind is prisoner to my body, that my willpower can't overcome whatever nature and society programmed into myself. I gave up on that path and now I try to either enjoy myself (without much luck though) or wait for the rotting process called life to end.
Now, I do enjoy writing, creating my own story. The teeny tiny problem is that doing so still needs energy, energy that often don't have.
@Otjag … your making my life as a comment section therapist, *rubs bridge of nose* difficult. If you do not have the bravery to be happy, go and lock yourself away, if you believe that we demonize suicide… well… *chuckle* I have a whole different take on that. I believe, every human soul… is infinitely valuable, and I'm not just talking as my persona of the reaper here, I chose that name for a reason. But human souls upon birth, there potential is limitless, you could invent space travel for all we know, but you only judge someone, upon the end of there life, so that you can see what they did with it. Well Mr. Otjag, one day we will all leave this place, what lies beyond I don't know… but, i do want you to give me your response to this poem here, think about it, and I mean really f*cking think about it
"How did you die" - Edmund Vance Cooke
Did you tackle that trouble that came your way
With a resolute heart and cheerful?
Or hide your face from the light of day
With a craven soul and fearful?
Oh, a trouble's a ton, or a trouble's an ounce,
Or a trouble is what you make it,
And it isn't the fact that you're hurt that counts,
But only how did you take it?
You are beaten to earth? Well, well, what's that?
Come up with a smiling face.
It's nothing against you to fall down flat,
But to lie there -- that's disgrace.
The harder you're thrown, why the higher you bounce;
Be proud of your blackened eye!
It isn't the fact that you're licked that counts,
It's how did you fight -- and why?
And though you be done to the death, what then?
If you battled the best you could,
If you played your part in the world of men,
Why, the Critic will call it good.
Death comes with a crawl, or comes with a pounce,
And whether he's slow or spry,
It isn't the fact that you're dead that counts,
But only how did you die?
So tell me M r . O t j a g
How W I L L You Die?
@Mr.GrimDeathReaper Never said being my comment therapist would be easy
. I know that I am not brave enough to live happy, which is exactly why I need help and probably intensive help at that, considering that I have had depression for so long that some of my thought patterns are just that way. Pretty sure the stuff I do right now is nowhere near enough, not that I am going to admit that anywhere else (the depressed half of my mind is perfectly content rotting away as is).
Also I don't really believe we demonize suicide, that was my frustration speaking. It's just that we are going at it the wrong way. How many people are out there who point at the now dead person, questioning how they could do that to the people around them when the first thing we should ask is what this person was going through that they thought a world without them was better than with them? Without asking that question how are we going to solve the root cause of the problem? I just find it frustrating, like I do with so many other things, that we are making it more difficult for a person to kill themselves, but we aren't really creating an environment with less and less reasons for suicide.
(Please don't invent space travel before humanity united and fixed a few of its societal problems. That would be really irresponsible if you do...)
Never really considered your name until now, but it does kinda fit the topic
The poem is, ühm, nice? I don't necessarily agree with the first two, I believe stanza is the word? Anyway, I think that only someone who has never felt depression, has felt so thoroughly done for no apparent reason would be able to say something like that. Then again, I don't really know people, so other depressed persons might like it *shrug*. For me it's like looking into someone's eyes who doesn't understand and isn't really trying either. Sometimes when you get beaten to the ground you just don't get up again. The world isn't nice like that. Other people might be able to drag you back to your feet, sure, but alone you will never make it and the more you try to do it alone, the worse it gets. When you need all your energy to simply exist, how are you going to improve your situation? You really don't, not without someone else spending the energy for you.
I like the last stanza though, it's hard not to like. Now, if I were to answere you honestly right this moment, I would tell you that I see myself dying homeless under some random bridge, staring into the water with listless eyes, my mind long since gone on a journey to a different place and all because I didn't bother looking for anything to eat for a long time, even the pains of hunger not enough to get me to move. I would have accomplished nothing and my biggest regret would be not to have killed myself before my neffew/niece (don't know yet, but it could happen any moment) was born, because now I tainted such an innocent being with my actions, leaving a mark in their life that will forever pull them down. Even so, I do not have the energy to get up, nor do I want to, because despite all this, I have long since accepted that I am a human failure, a living disappointment.
Well, after all that I don't think I have to explain why I wouldn't be asking a mentally ill person for an answer, at least not if you want to know what the person would have said if they were healthy.
@Otjag Damit, I just got philosophical me just left… here we go again Mr.Orjag… *sigh* First off, if we ever get to that point, please tell me… hell I’d give you my phone number and when you call I’ll track it to your house. I get on scribble hub almost always at least once a week. But here’s the thing Otjag, I want to here what a mentally right person would say. I dont care, about… many things, I became stoic long ago. But, there are some things I can’t stand for. I have lost all concept of what to say to you, I just don’t know. And don’t get me wrong there’s many things I want to say *chuckle* and I sure as hell wish you’d listen to them, but we are just to men, sitting at an imaginary table, saying things and we don’t know the reason why. Why do we do so, so many things. I dont know. . . . What to do with you… find an anchor, find someone or something to hold onto for that grand purpose in life you so seek. Be it inanimate, your father, a random pop idol. I dont care, find something. Adopt a kid, get a dog. Do. s o m e t h i n g. If you can’t do it, ask one of your relatives that probably cares about you, you said you are going to have a nephew / niece? You probably have a brother or sister that would happily help they're sibling knowing it might keep him from this rut they see him digging. One day, if you ever do listen to me, or some others… you will be fine, free of a burden you choose to carry…………. Do you know why I think writers and the such, are always the first to get depression, and possibly die from it? Because we are thinkers, imagineers. Simply put, we see to much of the picture, and the majority of society can’t see it, so they ostracize us like flat earthers. Saying, why don’t you help society? Because we see the entirety of it and how f*cking stupid some of it is, am I right? As the earth rolls round and round it won’t stop cause some ants say save us. Do tell me Otjag your thoughts your ideas, share with me your burden of depression for I have brought along a cart. Tell me Otjag, don’t spare me from your hell.
@Mr.GrimDeathReaper Hmmm, not sure what to tell you, there is lots I have a problem with and unless those things change, and I mean really change, I know I won't be able to get better, because there would simply be nothing worth living for.
Let's start with climate change for example. I think by now it is safe to say that a part of the older generation doesn't care, or at least personal power and wealth is more important for them. I mean, no matter were you look, be it germany, china, indonesia, south africa, brasil, or the USA, nothing is being done about it. They try to act like it, sure, but behind the fancy programms and initiatives governments set up isn't actually anything worth noting. Just enough for the less radical portion of the population not to start rioting, at least that's what it feels like for me. The funny thing is that many don't seem to realize what knowing about climate change, how it will affact their lives and how older generations did practically nothing (there could have been done way more at least) does to younger people, not even the young themselves. Not sure how it's for you or others out there, but practically my entire student vintage (is that actually a thing? don't know how to describe in english lul) is mentally ill, some just hide it better than others or are able to cope better with it, but deep down they are all broken. Now, you could blame it on covid, but wouldn't that be convenient? What did covid actually do, beyond making social interaction more difficult and all that? It gave everyone a lot of time to think about stuff and about themselves and I think most don't like the conclusion they came to. 60 years ago you were actually able to work towards something like a house and or a family, but now, putting financial problems aside, you can't really do that anymore, because it is all going to be worth jack sh*t when natural catastrophies are going to haunt earth constantly in 20 years. So yeah, I think an up tick in mental health problems around the globe is perhaps the most unsuprising thing that's going on right now.
Another thing would be capitalism, it's such a weird system for a species, because it doesn't really promote the continuity and wellbeing of the species. Instead it encourages hording wealth and power, even if you have to make the life of your fellows miserable. I don't want to offend anyone here, but I think the USA is the perfect example of endstage capitalism and it's not exactly a good one. I for one am not fond of germany moving towards the same direction as the united stage for example, but I can't really do anything about it either. I may have the right to vote, but it doesn't matter whom I vote, as nothing is going to change anyway. Then there is also the weird thing about socialism and that stuff. Like, a lot people have been so influenced by propaganda, that they genuinly don't think much about it and are of the opinion it doesn't work. I mean sure Russia is not the best example out there, but I don't really know what they expected to happen by starting a conflict against the west. They were the infant idea of something going against allready established forces (and they made them sweat, but that's not important right now). Since then we had a lot of time working on the kinks and faults of socialism. I'm in favor for democratic socialism for example, though I'm not part of the people who are saying socialism is the only way forward. That's very narrow minded and exactly the same that capitalism did. Anyway, I don't like capitalism, I think that's clear by now.
Another thing I have already hinted at is that I find the concept of countries, nationalism and patriotism incredibly backwards. All three concepts simply fuel the conflict between us and that's a massive waste of ressources that could be used to help each other instead of bashing each others heads. Why people are able to remain proud of their country and are unable to imagine a united humanity is one of the biggest mysteries to me. Again, there is an entire universe out there, maybe even more, and those people choose to be proud of some made up collective first and their species second (if they even consider that in the first place, I kinda doubt it). It's all so stupid and narrow minded in my opinion and I find it incredibly frustrating. Now, I'm pretty sure I just offended a whole bunch of people and they probably wonder if I hit my head and why I am betraying my homeland (you could see it as such after all), but consider this: I'm from germany and the whole holocaust thing makes it particularly easy not to be proud of your nation. It also helps seeing and admitting the sh*t other countries pull all the time too. Makes me wanna tear out my hair that people ignore it all and continue supporting the current order, but meh. I'm even more insignificant than countries and I'm not going to organize entire populations to just stop working for the system and instead make their own. I do fantasize about that every now and then, it's a fun thing to do. It's way too much work though and I'm not charismatic enough to pull something like that.
@Otjag Your view is like mine Otjag, except you choose to agonize over it… your depression is curable, but it is not such a thing to just take pills and advice, you must conquer that demon yourself. I’ve tried, and failed, like meant before me, but I will give you poems, for that is all I can do, tell me your worry’s, for that is what I can do. And tell me, at the end of your rope. When you will leave us, tell me, so that I can say goodbye *smiles* I cannot help you Otjag, all I can do is let you lean on me.
@Mr.GrimDeathReaper that's already pretty kind of you, thanks
@Otjag *smiles* so tell me your worries and woes and I shall try to help you
@Mr.GrimDeathReaper out of curiosity, do you really think I am a 'good' author (gods above, why do I cringe even at the thought of that?). Like, until now I always dismissed or ignored it as something people say to make me feel better, but don't really mean (It's not like I studied to become an author or something, I only read through advice of what not to do and examples of how to do it better for like 30 minutes). I certainly know that there are worse stories than mine out there, I just never thought of myself as good, only 'okay' or passable and I'm questioning if maybe I'm allowed to feel good about something for a bit.
@Otjag Simple answer yes… Long answer: out of the hundreds, and I’m not f*cking around when I say hundreds, of authors I have read, you are a damn good one. I can get on scribblehub go to your story, and if I see a comment or a new chapter, be genuinely f*ckin happy
@Mr.GrimDeathReaper And it’s not just cause you read those tips either it’s just also that some people just have more of a knack for it
@Mr.GrimDeathReaper you make me blush
xD. Seriously thanks though, I guess sometimes you have to walk against something to be able to notice it
. (Next chapter will be on sunday btw and twice as long as this one *wink* *wink*)
@Otjag Will we finally be getting that cliff you promised us a while back *grins and smacks shoulder*
@Mr.GrimDeathReaper uhh, I'm trying to remember what exactly I promised, otherwise I don't know
(lot's of information in the chapter though)
@Otjag Well a while back I was salty cause I wanted to see fluffy wolf Argul again
@Mr.GrimDeathReaper Ahh that. No that’s going to be at the end of the Newport ark/ start of the new one, which shouldn’t be too far away, but when I only manage to write a chapter every two months then yeah, it definitely feels a lot longer. I agree with you though, fluffy Argul is a lot better (all the human mental baggage doesn’t affect her tha and she can just do what she thinks. Really enjoy writing that too)
@Otjag let the fluff spread, no cults though, purged enough of those
@Mr.GrimDeathReaper that reminds me of that weird sheep cult game lul.
@Otjag Oh god… damnit you made me think of The scp wiki, SCP- [Redacted for sake of mental health by order of 05-{Redacted}] damn that thing was spooky, no joke it’s just a thing in the scp wiki everybody agrees on just to play scared of it.
@Mr.GrimDeathReaper Though that’s not its number we just redact it for you poor souls that haven’t seen the horrors of the imagination
@Mr.GrimDeathReaper Wouldn't have looked anyways. I'm not a fan of spooky horror sh*t and know not to look at scp shit.
@Mr.GrimDeathReaper Man, I can't concentrate on writing and it's super frustrating
not sure if it's the heat, my depression acting up or something else 
@Otjag Ah it’s fine, I know how you feel I can’t focus on anything for long periods of time… watch some YouTube or something, binge a few series, Star Wars visions is pretty damn cool