“What are you smacking your lips like that?” 

My attention is pulled away from the taste of my mouth at Walleye’s questioning but I still chew on my tongue to try and deal with the long-lasting aftertaste of Cabinet’s ‘drink’ that she offered yesterday. I grimace and try to stop before ultimately shoving my hand into my mouth in an attempt to stop tasting it.

“My mouth tastes funny,” I explain, prompting Walleye to ask if I ate something strange again. What a silly question.

“No.” What happened was that I drank something strange. That’s different than eating strange things. For one they usually don’t hang around nearly as long as stuff I've eaten. Usually; I seem to have drawn a weird deal.

“I think I’ve just the thing for you to wash out your taste, but I need you to not tell my mate that I gave a child alcohol. Though the taste will probably prevent you from seeking it out anytime soon, I still want some peace during this last stretch of the journey.” 

“Alright, I won’t tell.” 

A flash is then poked into my side and I blindly grab at it while trying to keep from bending too far and losing my balance before popping the cork on the dusty bottle. The noxious odor made me hold my breath as I swigged the bottle back quickly and corked it before fighting against the urge to spit it out.

It burns the back of my throat and tongue and I spend a moment panting desperately to cool off; Walleye was right, this washed out my taste. My tongue was also washed out in the process, so I’m not sure if this result is better.

“Has a kick, doesn’t it? Just say you were poisoned if you walk unsteadily later today, but humans and dwarves are usually heavy drinkers- so I’m sure you’ll adjust nicely.” I ignored the rest of the the elf’s musing because I went back to smacking my lips to get rid of the taste rest in my mouth.

I look down at the head of the giant spider I’m sitting on and lean forward a little before Walleye scooped me back up.

“Don’t lick my spider, he’s not meant for eating.” Got to ruin my fun huh Walleye, really gotta keep a girl from trying new and exciting things.

I was expecting to get dizzy or flushed like Walleye threatened I’d feel but aside from the taste and burning sensation in my throat, both of which thankfully dissipated, it was just a normal ride. Walleye would yammer on bits of advice for humans by humans, according to him, stuff like how onions and other strong-smelling stuff is good to keep hair on the head.

Did Garlic listen to this guy or is she just naturally like that, I wonder.

“-And you can avoid an unwanted suitor by feigning illness, but if you are seeking to get a mate then offer plentiful food. If you need to cough, spit or other rude actions then do them as privately as you can. If you do the actions in public then not only are you being gross then you might make someone sick.”

“Got it, can we stop talking now, I’m still grossed out by your ‘advice’ about camel froth. I don’t even know what a camel is and I already find them gross.” I make a face, and though Walleye can not see my expression, I’m sure my disgust has been conveyed properly.

Seriously, camels sound insane; horse-like animals with hunches and hooves that don’t wear down. Plus, nothing should be able to go that long without clean water- that just doesn’t sound right. 

However, I have seen Mimzy collect water from the air by rubbing her face when it’s early in the morning and swallowing from her small arms. Maybe camels can do something like that? I ask Walleye and he shakes his head.

“Camels have a face with large and tightly kept lips and marble-like eyes covered by layers of brushy eyelashes. They have either one or two humps of fat on their back and they have a very comfortable stride- I got to ride one when I was younger, so I have experience- and the male camels have short tempers.”

“Why are you telling me about this.”

Walleye huffs noisily, “Because you clearly don’t believe me that camels are real! There are many stranger animals out there! You’re literally on the back of one!”

“I thought you were used to giant spiders?” He used to herd them, I figure that’s enough exposure to the creatures.

“I am, I was so used to giant spiders that when I rode up to an old partner of mine for the first time and his horse reared back and ran I…” Walleye’s voice got a lot softer towards the end, and after a moment I got irritated.

“The horse ran and then what?”

“I…chased them down. They made such a clamor when I caught up that I noticed they were afraid of Jer- this one's father- and after I slowed down they rushed so much the horse jumped off a bridge and swam downstream with my former partner cursing on its back,” There was a long pause before Walleye continued speaking, “Ever since then I have to go and borrow or rent a horse if I’m meeting with a new trade partner.”

“Did that partner guy quit with you after you chased him down with a giant terrifying spider?” I probably would at least think about it.

“Nope, after we fished him and his horse out of the water and he gave a long list of suggestions for ‘my damnably empty skull’ we kept in trade contact up until his retirement. I would’ve been at his deathbed as well had it not been for his daughter-in-law saying it was bad luck.” A soft sigh tickles the top of my head.

Weird. Too bad he wasn’t able to see off his friend; I pat the hand on the steering horn and get a head ruffle for my trouble. Elven jerk.

“What do you think the jerk meant by bad luck?”

Another sigh and hair ruffle. Great, now I’m going to have to get my hair brushed again, at least Cabinet will have something to do this evening aside from carrying me around luggage or a small pet.

Here’s hoping she doesn’t try and braid my hair into some ridiculous shape like last time. For hearth’s sake, just because I’ve enough hair to ‘braid a basket’ doesn’t make it a damnable challenge.

“Some of the shorter-lived peoples think that an elf can absorb life at someone’s deathbed and that consumes the dying’s spirit as it goes on its last travel. Others occasionally mix elf funeral traditions with orc funerals.”

“What’s the difference?”

In response, Walleye huffed out a short laugh.

“Let’s just say that if you get invited to a traditional orc funeral, I suggest eating only plants during the rituals.” For some reason he seemed very amused, which I thought was suspicious.

HelloHound

Against this advice, orc cuisine is excellent and their stews and roasts have been noted for their skill and flavor. You're not ready for orc barbeque, you just ain't ready for it man.