(Well, since I got a subscription to Crunchyroll just to watch RWBY volume 9. Which mind you is only on crunchyroll for the first fucking YEAR! Then it goes on Roster Teeth's website for First members for a week, then people get to watch it for free. It's kinda bullshit! *Ahem* Oh sorry. So I guess no more pirating for me. Also leave some comments while you're here and have a good day.)

It's a beautiful day outside, the birds are singing, the flowers are blooming. On days like this- "No!" Aqua yells. "No way!" ....Never mind.

Inside the parties mansion, we have Smaug, Megumin, and Darkness pulling on Aqua, who's holding tightly onto the couch.

"It's still cold outside!" Aqua yells. "Why do you guys want to go out there so badly?!"

Megumin stops pulling on Aqua. "I can't cast explosion magic unless I'm outside!"

Darkness stops pulling on Aqua. "Monsters start to become active as spring approaches,-" She blushes. "-so that means work for adventurers!"

Smaug stops pulling on Aqua. "The snow is melting away and that means Dragon Grass might be growing!" Her long reptilian tail wags back and fourth.

Aqua turns around and looks at the three. "Are you guys children?!"

"Are you three basically little kids who want to go play outside?!" Aqua asks and Smaug's tail wags faster. "If you want to go outside so bad, go without me!" She shakes her arm as she points outside. 

Aqua falls onto the couch and the three other girls grab onto her.

"Who are you calling a little kid?!" Megumin shouts.

"You're acting far more childish right now, Aqua!" Darkness says.

Then Smaug speaks up. "I'll have you know, some of the people in town call me MILF Dragon. There's even a few of the younger ones that call me mommy!"

"At this rate." Darkness, Smaug and Megumin look back at Kazuma. "You'll end up like that." The three say together.

Aqua pops up and all four girls sweat drop as they stare at Kazuma.

"Okay, even I would rather not end up like that..." Aqua comments and she points at Kazuma as she looks at Darkness. "But why don't you convince that loser before me?!"

"Listen, you four." Kazuma speaks up. "Even-tempered as I may be, I still get angry sometimes. Where do you get off calling someone 'that' and a loser? How rude can you be?"

If you have a problem, why don't you get out from under there first?" Aqua asks.

Kazuma pops under the Kotatsu. (I only know how to spell that because of Dragon Maid. And I spelt it right on the first try, I'M STILL WORTHY!"

"Hey, I want time under the Kotatsu!" Smaug yells. 'Dragon Maid Smaug loved the Kotatsu. And I also love it!' Her tail wags as her eyes shine.

With Kazuma under the Kotatsu.

Kazuma is thinking to himself. 'We defeated the demon Vanir, one of the Devil King's commanders... But we weren't able to savor our victory for long. Wiz is also one of the Devil King's commanders. The fact that we had slain one of her comrades was something that we had to tell her.'

Flashback.

Kazuma and Smaug stand outside Wiz's shop.

"I'll inform her of Vanir." Smaug says. "It may not have been long, but we shared a body and nearly destroyed the world together." Kazuma nods. "As a dragon who will one day say 'Fuck You!' to all other gods and become one herself, and I don't care if they hate me for saying this... But he was a cool guy." 

A breeze blows and Smaug's long orange hair with red tips flows in the wind. The waist cape billows. 

Smaug walks up to the door and opens it. "Wiz, my dear, We need to tell you something..."

"Hey, welcome, folks!" Vanir greets.

Vanir does a slight bow. "Now, girl who had a distant look in her eyes as she was in front of the store spouting embarrassing nonsense... There's something I must inform you of. 'But he was a cool guy.' About that... You see, we demons have no gender,-" Smaug's jaw is dropped as she has a look of confusion across her face. "-So that embarrassing declaration of your feelings is nothing I can-- oh, my!" A blush spreads across Smaug's face. "Now this is an intense swell of dark emotions! Most savory! What's the matter? You look angry and embarrassed! Did you actually think that I had perished?!"

 Kazuma takes a few steps back and Vanir laughs.

Wiz walks out from the back of the store. "I heard all about it, Kazuma-san. Defeating Vanir-san cleared up those spying charges of yours. Congratulations."

Smaug huffs and she sits on the ground and crosses her arms. "The Great Dragon Smaug doesn't need to take any of this nonsense!"

"That's great and all,-" Kazuma points to a spinning Vanir. "-but why is he totally fine after taking a blast of explosion magic? Why isn't he hurt at all?"

"When his with such sorcery, even one such as I couldn't escape unscathed." Vanir states. "Take a good look at my mask!" Vanir points to the two symbol on his mask.

Vanir makes a peace symbol over his eye. "I lost one of my extra lives making me Vanir II!"

----

"Konosuba!" The reader says.

----

Kazuma and Smaug are sitting at a table. Smaug is drinking some tea with an upset look.

Wiz is talking to Kazuma. "Vanir-san actually wanted to leave his post as one of the Devil King's commanders. So, currently, he doesn't maintain the barrier around the Devil King's castle. He should be harmless as a result."

Kazuma looks over to Vanir, who is checking out a small skull. "Y-You think he's harmless?" 

Vanir smiles over to Kazuma. "You, boy from a distant land... I believe you would be well served in assisting in our business. I've got an excellent offer. Care to hear it?"

Flashback over.

'Vanir's big moneymaking scheme was making stuff from my world and selling it in this one. I just have to make and develop the products. The manufacturing and distribution are Vanir's to handle. And the first idea for this plan was the kotatsu I am currently under.'

Outside the Kotatsu. Megumin, Smaug and Darkness stand next to it.

"We're all very impressed with the furniture from your and Smaug's homeland, Kazuma." Megumin says. "But shouldn't we be getting back to work?"

"She's right, Kazuma." Darkness says and she bends down and lifts up the blanket. "Come on."

Kazuma's hand shoots out and moves behind Darkness' neck. "Freeze!"

Darkness shoots up and shrieks.

"And I thought I was the monster of the party." Smaug mutters.

The blanket falls down.

"H-He actually fought back!" Megumin leans back in fright. "Kazuma, would you please give it a rest?! Stop making such a fuss and--" She reaches down to the blanket and Kazuma grabs her hand before she touches it.

Kazuma uses Drain Touch on Megumin and she falls over. "Ow my head!" Megumin cries out.

"Damn it, Kazuma!" Smaug yells. "I guess I have no choice but to use my ultimate weapons.... my womanly charm!"

Smaug clears her throat as Kazuma's head pops out and looks to her. 

Smaug crosses her arms under her breasts as she leans forward and sticks her butt out. "Ara ara~ Kazuma~"

A small blush appears on Kazuma's face and he just pops back under the Kotatsu.

"Damn it!" Smaug turns around. "It was ineffective."

Smaug's tail sways just in front of the Kotatsu and Kazuma's has pops out and grabs it and he uses Drain Touch.

"KYAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Smaug screams and she falls onto the ground as Kazuma lets go of her tail.

Smaug grabs ahold of her tail and hugs it as she cries. "I've been violated! WAAAH!"

Kazuma pops back out from under the Kotatsu with a smug look. "Don't underestimate me. I'm the Kazuma-san who's tangled with the Devil King's commanders and other big shots. Try again after you've leveled up a bit!"

Aqua looks at the scene in disgust and dread.

"Do you think your petty trucks will really- Eek!" Darkness shrieks. 

"The theft of my magic power is a crime deserving of a thousand--" Megumin then screams. "So... tired..."

"KAZUMA! I'll kill y-" Smaug shrieks. "NOT THE TAIL!"

The three girls lay against the floor.

Smaug is laying on the floor crying as she hugs her tail.

Kazuma gives a creepy laugh as he stares at the three downed girls.

"I get the feeling I could take anyone on right now!" Kazuma confidently says. Suddenly he stops laughing, the three girls notice. "Wait. We've got an emergency. I realize this might be asking a bit much, but let's call a ceasefire. Sorry, but could you three lift the mat under the kotatsu and carry me to the bathroom, please."

The three girls look to each other and nod.

Megumin and Darkness head over to a balcony door and open it as Smaug walks over to the Kotatsu.

"The was easier than I thought." Kazuma mutter.s

Smaug lifts the Kotatsu up by herself. "One Kazuma and Kotatsu going outside!"

Chomusuke jumps of the Kotatsu.

"Stop it!" Kazuma shouts. "Don't you have a heart Smaug?!" Smaug walks over to the window. "H-Hey, cut it out! Wait, no-"

"YEET!" Smaug throws the Kotatsu, with Kazuma still in it, out the window.

.

.

.

.

The party is walking down the street.

Kazuma is hugging himself. "Ugh, it's still so cold..."

Aqua's hugging herself. "Fireplace.... Sofa..."

Smaug is smiling as she walks down the street. "Feels nice outside."

Darkness and Megumin are behind her, sticking close to her tail, the tip of it's on fire and giving off heat.

"Kazuma, why are we taking this street?" Megumin asks and Kazuma stops walking. "This isn't the way to the guild."

Kazuma looks back at the group. "Did you think I was just roasting under the kotatsu all this time?"

Kazuma and the party enter a nearby weapons shop and the party look around in amazement. 

"Hey!" Kazuma calls out.

"Welcome!" The owner greets.

"Is it ready, Pops? Is my katana ready to go?!" Kazuma asks as he walks to the counter. Mohawk man is next to the counter.

"Yeah. I managed to finish it." Pops informs and he turns around and grabs something. "I did make it in the shape you described... Here you go."

Pops hands Kazuma a katana and Kazuma holds it up.

"I didn't really get the hardening techniques you were going on about, but it was an interesting job anyway!" Pops says.

"O-ho... So that's your new partner, huh?" Mohawk guy asks.

Kazuma smirks. "My new partner."

"When did you order a sword like that, Kazuma?" Megumin asks.

"I learned a smithing skill from this guy a while back." Kazuma points his thumb at Pops. 

"You mentioned needed that for your new financial venture, right?" Darkness asks.

"And while I was at it, I made the order, figuring I was due for a gear upgrade."

Pips hands Kazuma a slip of paper. "You just need to write a name for it on this taisman, and attach it to the handle. Make sure it's a good one!" Pops leans in close. "And then..."

Pops shows Kazuma a suit of armor.

"Here's your full-plate armor." Pops says. "This is fancier than what most of the adventurers around these parts have. Take good care of it."

Kazuma goes up to the armor. "This is it! This is real gear for a fantasy setting!"

Mohawk guys leaves the shop. "I might've just witnessed the birth of a new hero..."

---

"Konosuba! Are you sure that's how it's said, Grif?" Asher says. 

----

Kazuma gets into the suit of armor and the party gasps in amazement.

"I guess clothes really do make the man." Megumin comments.

"Even most crusaders can't equip this kind of armor!" Darkness says.

"I can't even wear armor, because my chest is too big. The breast plate will weigh the front of it down." Smaug says.

"Kazuma, do a pose with your sword!" Aqua says.

Kazuma shakes around in the armor.

"Kazuma?" Megumin calls out.

Kazuma sweats a little. "First-rate warriors don't demonstrate their techniques for show..."

"Too heavy to move in, huh?" Darkness asks.

----

"Ara Ara~" Both Smaug's say together.

----

Kazuma is holding his katana in a scabbard. Being disappointed about the armor.

"Well, better to use the gear you're most familiar with, right?" Pops says.

"I guess I'll just have to settle for a new weapon..." Kazuma says in disappointment.  Kazuma attaches the scabbard to the back of his hip. "I'm counting on you, partner!"

The party watches from the side as Kazuma dramatically walks to the door. But his scabbard knocks into a couple swords on display and he knocks over all of them on display. The swords make a loud crash.

"I'm sorry!" Kazuma shouts. "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!" He sets the swords back in place. "Uh, w-well, thanks again."

Kazuma goes back to dramatically exiting the store. He opens the door and tries to exit, but the scabbard gets caught in the door way since it's too long. 

Kazuma, being the idiot he is, pushes the door open more and tries to leave again. Only for the sword to get stuck in the doorway again.

"You idiot!" Smaug calls out. "You gotta wear the Saya on the left side of the body! No one wears a scabbard like that unless it's a knife!"

.

.

.

The parties outside the shop and Kazuma's holding the scabbard and sword in his hands.

Kazuma holds the weapon up into the air. "This is nothing like I imagined!" He throws the weapon to the ground."

A little later at the guild.

Megumin and Smaug are sitting across from Kazuma, eating.

Megumin stabs an asparagus with her fork. Smaug sticks an entire turkey leg into her mouth and then only pulls out the bone.

Megumin looks to Kazuma's katana, which he had it shortened so it's kind of a tantō now.

"Your partner seems a lot shorter now." Megumin points out.

"Shut up!" Kazuma shouts and he grabs the sword. "I want to at least make sure it has a cool name..."

Megumin eats the asparagus on her fork.

Smaug sticks another turkey leg into her mouth and then only pulls out the bone.

"Muramasa?" Kazuma starts to think of names out loud. "Masamune? Kotetsu?"

"Murasame?" Smaug suggests, and Kazuma just shakes his head.

"Kazuma! Megumin! Smaug!" Aqua calls out and the party looks over to the quest board and sees Aqua and Darkness waving to them. "Hey!"

"There's a great quest here!" Darkness informs. 

The party goes up to Luna and she explains the quest. "These monsters are called Lizard  Runners. When entering their mating period, the males gather around the Princess Runner, forming a massive group, and then they compete for the Princess Runner's affections."

"Compete?" Kazuma questions.

"They run!" Luna makes running motions, causing her breasts to sway hypnotizing Smaug.

Luna stops the running motions. "In a huge group, trampling anything that gets in their path. The fastest male becomes the King Runner, and the Princess Runner's mate."

"That sounds like a real handful..." Kazuma comments. 

"This quest involves getting rid of the Lizard Runners." Luna explains. "There are many of them, so it may be dangerous..."

Kazuma puts a finger on Luna's lips, making her go quiet. "It's okay." Smaug does his Erza glare at Kazuma. "No matter what monster it is, it's no match for this guy and me." He holds up his sword. "Isn't that right, my partner.... uh...Kukuichimonji? Kogarasumaru?"

"Chunchunmaru." Megumin says as a name for the sword.

Kazuma moves away from Luna and looks at Megumin. "Say what, now?"

"I said Chunchunmaru. The sword's name is Chunchunmaru."

"Great name, Megumin." Smaug praises and Megumin smugly smiles.

"There's no way I can give it such a goofy name!" Kazuma says and he holds up the blade's handle. "As my preferred blade, it needs a suitably cool name..."

Kazuma looks to the handle and there's a slip of paper on it with a name written. The paper burns away and the name is burned into the handle of the sword; Kazuma yells out.

"From now on, this sword is named Chunchunmaru." Megumin informs.

"What the hell did you just do?!" Kazuma screams at Megumin.

He reaches out towards Megumin, but feels a pressure within the air and he stops. Kazuma shakily looks towards Smaug, she's cracking her knuckles as she glares at Kazuma.

"Whatca doing there, Ka~Zu~Ma~?" Smaug gives Kazuma a friendly smile, but her eyes tell a different story. 

"NOTHING!" Kazuma runs out of the guild.

.

.

.

The parties out in an open plain.

"Listen." Kazuma starts as he holds up his sword. "Even if I do defeat the Devil King with this sword, 'The legendary hero's sword, Chunchunmaru' is what it's gonna say on the plaque in the museum."

"That's if they see you as the hero and not me." Smaug mutters as she cracks her back.

Megumin turns to Kazuma. "I gave it such a cool name for you. What's your problem?"

Kill Quest

Eliminate the group of Lizard Runners

The party is gathered near a tree. Kazuma's up in the tree, with a bow and arrows. Darkness is the farthest in front of the tree with Megumin a few meters behind her. A few meters behind Megumin is Aqua and Smaug.

"Everyone ready?" Kazuma calls out.

"I'm ready to go anytime!" Aqua states.

"I'm gonna blast anything that comes near me!" Smaug says as her fists light up in flames.

Darkness smacks her first into the palm of her hand. "Thanks to Aqua's support magic, I can endure as many of them as needed!"

Megumin does a pose. "And if any get through, just leave them to me. I'll blow them all to smithereens."

"All right, stick to the plan!" Kazuma calls out. "First, I'll Snipe the King and Princess Runners.... With those two down, the rest of the Lizard Runners should disperse, meaning we can ignore the rest. If my Snipe fails, and they head this way, Darkness will hold them up so that I can Snipe the King and Princess Runners. And if any manage to get past her, Megumin will blow them all away before they can surround us, and I can pick off any survivors from up here. And if any get past Megumin, Smaug will deal with them. Aqua, focus on backing us up!" All four girls nod. "Alright, here we go!"

In the distance a dust cloud approaches them. It's the Lizard Runners.

"Ugh, they're ugly." Smaug makes a face of disgust. "A disgrace to be eliminated."

"I can tell that's the Princess, but..." Smaug looks at the red and yellow Lizard Runner. "Hey, Aqua! Which one's the King?"

"Probably the most high-and-mighty-looking one?" Aqua says as she looks off at the Lizard Runner."

"I was a fool for even asking you."

"I know!"

"Oh?"

"The king is the fastest one, right?" Aqua asks. 

"Uh-huh."

"I can use magic to get their attention, and the first one to get here is the King!"

"Wha?!" Smaug and Kazuma both yell.

"Hey, what are you sayi-" Kazuma gets cut off.

"Force Fire!" Aqua points a finger to the sky and fires off a flare.

All the Lizard Runners stop and look to the flare, then they all roar and run towards the party. Everyone yells.

"No! You freaking idiot!" Kazuma shouts. "Are you not satisfied unless you screw up every single time?! We could've neutralized them by just taking out the King and Princess, so why call the whole group here?!"

"What's your problem?!" Aqua yells. "I was just trying to help! Don't yell at me! And if I have to make up for it later, it'll just be the same as always! I'm going to get messed up by those Runners and be left crying! I get it, okay?! It happens every time! Go on, if you wanna kill me, just do it--"

- PAUSE -
Press Start Button

A tall female with long black hair, as dark as the night sky. With piercing blue eyes that stare right into the soul. A modest size chest and she wears a black dress that seems to twinkle, like the stars in the night sky. Walks onto the screen.

"Hello everyone I'm Shinka, the God of the Multiverse!" She greets you. "Yes, I'm a self aware character and Baxter asked me to promote some of his stuff, cause he's.... busy."

Shinka clears her throat. "Well, I don't really know how to do this other than say go check out some of Baxter's other books. Like his Dragon Maid series, where this Smaug is based off of. Or go check out his Helluva Boss book, I like that one. He even has a new Red Vs. Blue book, you should also go check out the other RVB book he has. He's made a New RWBY book for Volume 9 and a new Metal Gear book. If you like Azur Lane and Ace Combat, he's got a crossover of the two. Also please do go check out his Chainsaw Man book. He's been annoying me that not enough people are reading it. And do go check out his MHA book where the MC is the brother of Mirko."

Shinka looks at a piece of paper. "Well, that's it for advertising."  She sets it down. "You know, I saw introduced in a book where the Dragon Maid Smaug gets sent to other anime universes, but he took it down! How dare he! I'm his greatest assistant and he does me dirty like that. So I have made a petition to get my own book and you can sign it here."

Shinka puts a paper on the screen.

"So please sign here and-"

A door opens a tied up and gagged Baxter falls out. He looks to the screen and gives off Muffles shouts.

Shinka panics. "You didn't see anything! back to the book! Back to the Boo-"

-- RESUME --

Aqua cries, as Smaug shouts in worry as the Lizard Runners aproach.

"Don't lie down there!" Kazuma yells at Aqua. "They'll actually trample you to death!" Kazuma fires off an arrow and he hits a Lizard Runner. "Got him!" A Lizard Runner that's in front of the group roars. "Hey! I beat the one that looked like the King, but now they're even more violent!"

"The lizards get excited when a King is defeated, because it means they have a chance to become the new King." Aqua informs. "You need to take down the Princess Runner first."

"You could've said that sooner!" 

"Leave it to me!" Megumin shouts as she walks a ways in front of Darkness

"Megumin!" Kazuma smiles.

Megumin laughs as she holds her staff out in front of her. "Taste the power of my explosion magic! Explosion!" She casts but nothing happens. "My magic power! Kazuma! I don't have enough magic power to activate my explosion magic!"

"Huh?!" Kazuma shouts. "Why wouldn't you... Wait." He thinks back to earlier this morning when he used Drain Touch on Megumin a couple times. "it's my fault?!"

Megumin runs towards the group as Darkness' laughs. "Come at me!"

"Darkness!" Kazuma calls out.

Smaug looks at the Lizard Runners and notices that the Princess is looking at her. "Why is it looking at me!" The Princess roars at Smaug and heads straight towards her. "Why did it roar at me!"

The runners run over Darkness and Smaug turns and high tails it out of there as they run over Aqua. The Runners then runner after Smaug.

"Kazuma!" Smaug screams as the Princess Runner snaps her jaw at her. "HELP ME! THEY'RE REALLY UGLY AND MEAN!"

"Just hang in there, I'll take her down now!"

"KAZAUMA! KAZUMA! HELP ME!" Smaug keeps screaming as she runs. "GET THESE THINGS OFF M-" The Princess Snaps at Smaug again... and manages to bite off most of Smaug's tail. 

"Huh?" Smaug trips onto the ground and the Lizard Runners trample over her.

Kazuma aims his bow at the Princess and she jumps into the air and flies high in the air and comes down towards Kazuma. "Snipe!" He fires off the arrow and it hits the princess in the head, killing her. "That was a close one..."

The body of the lizard Runner slams into the tree, knocking Kazuma out of the tree and he falls down and lands on the side of his neck and a sickening crack is heard.

"K-Kazuma?!" Megumin yells. "Are you all right?! Aqua! Kazuma took a scary-looking fall!"

Smaug is slightly bruised and has a bleeding nose and she props herself up. She looks over to the tree and sees the Lizard Runners disperse and run away as Aqua, Darkness and Megumin circle around Kazuma's body.

Smaug then remembers her tail and she looks behind to see her once magnificent three meter long tail, being reduced to only a couple feet long. Smaug's stump is flailing around and it whips blood everywhere.

"AHHHHHH!" Smaug shrieks. "MY BEAUTIFUL TAIL!" Smaug starts to cry and she just rolls over to the tree. "I want to go home!"

Smaug just curls up into a ball and starts to cry.

Later the night after Kazuma says he doesn't want to come back to life and he wants to be reborn as a baby, which makes Megumin get pissed at him and she draws something on him with marker. Kazuma does come back to life in the end.

Aqua, Darkness and Smaug are in the living room. Aqua laying on the sofa with Darkness reading a book at the edge. Smaug is kneeling on the floor and has her head in Darkness' lap, her stump of a tail as a bandage around it.

Suddenly they hear Kazuma yell out and he runs to the living room, wearing only a small towel around his waist. "Megumin! Where the hell is Megumin!"

"She said she'd be staying at Yunyun's place for a few days--" Darkness starts as she lowers her book, but then notices that Kazuma's practically naked and she brings the book back up and yells.

"Pipe down!" Kazuma orders.

"Y'know, Kazuma..." Aqua starts.

"What?!"

"Self-esteem is a good thing, but I have to question this kind of self-flattery."

"B-Baka!" Kazuma yells. "You were there when Megumin wrote this on me! Damn it all! What exactly are you calling the holy sword Excalibur?!"

There's writing on Kazuma's stomach and it points down to his junk. Then his towel falls down.

"Heh." Aqua chuckles with a smug face.

Smaug looks over. "Wow, it's so small."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

02-19-2023

4655 words