Nihonno Jin desu. We should have never come to this country. His Majesty, the Emperor Hiiro, has been fired upon.

I will personally reap the head of the assailant.

The Emperor sheathes his blade. “I have not done that for a very long time. I wish to do that again. Please invite the gunman for tea.”

Both halves of the bullet are lodged in the ceiling on either side of His Majesty.

What a man. I will follow you forever.

But—tea, you say?

“Ha! By your will!”

I may be the captain of the Battleship Muramita, but my past is stained in shadow and blood. I change into my old shadow ops clothes. I think I may have grown a size.

Together with four shinobi, I sneak out of our inconspicuous accommodations. I will find the assailant and invite him for tea.

We spread out over the city. Four shinobi may have been too many, as we found the assailant much too fast. The shadow behind me speaks.

“Kuroichi-sama, we have found him. He appears to be a high-ranking rebel general named John Bulletneck, and he is walking in the same step as a royal general, named Will Ironheart.”

“Nani. Did we stumble upon a conspiracy? We must tell our friends and Kaminari-dono. Swim to the Battleship Muramita and bring this information to Princess Burnheart from there.”

“Kuroichi-sama, none of us know how to swim.”

“Nani. What are you doing in the navy? Learn how to swim this instant. The fate of Japan rests on your shoulders.”

“Ha! I will die trying!”

No. Don’t die. The fate of Japan really depends upon your swimming lessons.

Why do our sailors not know how to swim? How did the others ships’ survivors manage being thrown overboard? I do not understand.

 

Regardless, I must bring this rebel general to His Majesty for tea. It is His wish.

 

I am with the three remaining shinobi. First, I will attempt discourse and invite both generals to tea. If that fails, we will merely kidnap the rebel general and leave the other half-dead.

As a diplomatic mission, we should not be killing those we seek assistance from. Therefore, leaving them half-dead should be fine.

 

I am now dressed again as Captain of the Muramita. The sun is highest in the sky. The two generals are walking down a road. On both sides, their men are mingling together and drinking themselves dull. What a strange sight.

“Generals-dono,” I call out.

Both generals turn to me. The wind blows. Their men stare at us, and drunkenly stumble out of the way. What a strange way to show deferrence to men of status speaking in the open.

“Huh, I didn’ know I’d find someone wantin’ a showdown with me like this.”

He says something strange. What is a ‘showdown’? Whatever. We must hurry along, as the sun is sweltering hot.

“It’s a high noon, innit, son?”

“It is quite,” I answer. “Because of that, let us hurry. I wish to invite you—”

“Yeah yeah, I gotchya the first time.”

Hmm? I haven’t said anything yet?

“John, we do not have time,” the royal general says.

“Yeah yeah, it won’t take me a few, don’tchu worry.”

The royal general steps away. It is now only me and the rebel general in the middle of the road, separated by a distance of four jou. I do not understand. Is this how Merikans conduct a greeting?

A bell rings, along with my crisis perception.

I unsheathe my sword as fast as I can. If I do not go the fastest that I can, I know that I will die.

I cut the air in front of me. I feel as if I have hit a stone. It is only then that I hear a loud bang.

Is this an attack? I do not sense hostility, but the bullet was aimed to my heart. How can anyone kill without directing killing intent? I do not understand.

“Tch, nice one,” the rebel general says. He puts the revolver back in a pouch on his waist. I did not see him pull it out earlier. “Shoulda told me ya didn’t have a gun, though. Since ya can’t hit me, and I can’t hit ya, let’s call it a draw?”

He turns around. Is this a rejection? Is he turning down my invitation? No, I have not even invited him yet.

“General-dono,” I call out again.

“What?” He looks annoyed.

“On behalf of the Emperor, I wish to invite you—”

“What-in-darnation’s fancy-shmansy Emperor y’all goin’ on about?”

I am angered. It appears that we must resort to violence.

 * * *

Nihonno Jin imasu. Violence was a mistake.

The three shinobi surely found their mark, and bound the rebel general and made their escape.

However, for the sake of my men and the mission, I was forced to fight off the royal general. This much was necessary, as it takes exactly three shinobi to disarm the rebel general-dono. We all saw his skill. What we did not see was royal general-dono’s skill.

I talked to him, sword-to-sword. His saber form was impressive, but above all, terrifying.

How many swords have I gone through? I must commission one that is folded ten thousand times. One thousand is not enough to withstand this man’s blows.

Alas, I realize that my fighting form is still imperfect. I must redirect, not receive, his attacks, or else I will die.

The royal and rebel soldiers around me are confused, but at last, they find the resolve to set aside their differences.

“The Japanese have kidnapped the rebel general.”   “The royal general is fighting the Japanese.”   “The foreigners are attacking.”   “The foreigners are enemies.”

Surely, those were what the soldiers thought as they watched me and royal general-dono fight.

Dear Burnheart-jou-sama, I have done you a favor and united your people.

Dear His Majesty, Emperor Hiiro-sama, I realize that ritual suicide is too light of a punishment. Please revive me later and stuff me like tuna into a Ronin living armor so I may fight and suffer for a thousand years.

The royals and rebels move as a disorganized mob to attack me. Firearms and spears are about to riddle me with holes.

"“Nihonno-samaaa!”"

Mm. My men arrive and start a brawl. You idiots. You truly are magnificent idiots.

Fortunately, the royals and rebels are drunk. They completely miss all of their shots and cannot fight in hand-to-hand combat. My men are somehow not losing.

“Pray tell, what’s your objective?” the royal general asks with a stern voice. I deflect a blow and attempt to slash, but his magic is too powerful and he teleports just the right distance that I feel my blade trim his beard. He is using me as a beard trimmer. I am humiliated as a swordsman. “John may be an imbecile, but he is the imbecile I walk alongside with.”

“What a beautiful friendship,” I reply, but I am tired. I am down to my second sword. “Emperor Hiiro-sama merely invites Bulletneck-dono to tea and play.”

“Goodness gracious, is that all?” he says, rubbing his forehead while cutting my sword in half. I am a disgrace of a swordsman.

“With that, shall we halt this meaningless fight?” I hope he concedes. These swords are expensive.

“I’m afraid that you have still kidnapped my friend. Our men are also locked in combat. There is only one conclusion.”

Before his next blow snaps my family heirloom sword, a hand reaches out and stops his saber.

“Fufufu, Nihonno-dono, you are drunk and have unnecessarily started a fight.”

It is His Majesty. My sword is saved. I will follow you forever.

“Hai, Your Majesty! I am drunk and have unnecessarily started a fight!”

I spin around and start to lose my balance. Two of my men suddenly appear and shoulder me before I fall, while another one showers me in sake. I reek of the smell of my homeland—is my homeland alright? I start issuing slurred orders to the confused soldiers around me to disperse. Somehow, the royals and rebels are also following me. Perhaps the strength of one’s alcohol establishes the true chain of command in Merika? I am unsure.

The royal general is in shock. I am unsure if it is because His Majesty has appeared, or because His Majesty can catch swords with his bare hands. Un, it may be an equal split of both. His Majesty graciously lets go of the blade of his saber. He sheathes it. Good.

“You truly are the Emperor of Japan? What’s the meaning of this?” the royal general asks. You are slightly rude, but if His Majesty forgives you, then I will as well.

“I am inviting you to tea.”

“Come again?”

“I apologize. The context is: General Bulletneck-dono’s bullet is fun to slice. Please, come to tea together with me and him.”

“John’s bullet?” He massages his temples. “So that shot a while ago actually ended up hitting—where is he now?”

“In the same establishment as a while ago, enjoying a Japanese bath. Please, come!”

Your Majesty, I will follow you forever, but when did the inn have a Japanese bath? How enviable. I did not know firing upon heads of state can earn one a Japanese bath.

“I must decline, Your Majesty.” The royal general shakes his head. “We are due for a conference with Princess Burnheart upon the large floating island at the mouth of the port. It is most possibly a matter that concerns the nation—”

“Ohhh! On Kaminari-dono? Then, let’s have tea there, instead!”

The royal general is slightly confused, but once he gathers information from his sobering-up subordinates, he correctly realizes that we truly are a diplomatic mission from Japan.

Of course, His Majesty glares at me and I am scared as a rabbit in front of a tiger. It appears that I will be receiving a punishment soon. Please do not hold back, Your Majesty!

 

 

Together with the generals, we arrived at Battleship Muramita by a small iron steamboat. I make passing eye contact with my shinobi subordinate on-board, throwing himself over the railing and landing on the deck, drenched in water. I hurry away.