A lot has been going on, recently, and my mind feels like it is all over the place. 

   We are at the home stretch, which means I only have a couple of months to help the three remaining suitors get chances to be around John, in hopes of winning his affections. The third years are closing to graduation, their college entrance exams are approaching, and soon they won't have much time to scheme shipping plans with me.

   Mattari, who I now address as Chiru, for her sake more than mine, is holding up. Her conversations with John have decreased a bit, but they still occur, and they are not strictly professional, as they are still friends. I’ve had to deal with John crying over the fact he rejected Mattari, surprisingly he cried more than her, I’ve had to reassure him that she doesn’t hate him and that in the end, it was best to be honest when it came to these things than to hold her in suspense when he knows the answer will be no. Fun fact, the males in school created the ‘Anti-John Association’ (AJA), once his rejection of Mattari caught wind. I’m not too worried though, it’ll blow over… Probably. Aside from her interactions with John, Mattari’s behavior hasn’t changed much, ever the cool-headed class rep. But she has gotten friendlier with me, and every once in a while, we go learn cooking at the same place I learned to do rice balls, much to Nyo’s anger.

   The sudden change in the way I address Mattari gained me a Gita pout, but thankfully the conversation we had that day on the train was not forgotten, as she was more understanding and less insecure once I explained my reasons, and promised that I would address her by her first name when I feel like I truly want to, and not just to make her feel better, which shows more closeness. We’ve gone back to me listening to her practice her guitar, she still hasn’t shown John the completed song, but I have a feeling it will happen soon.

   Between Ao-sen and me, it is same-ol’, same-ol’. Having full-blown ‘chuunibyo’ fights every once in a while. Slowly but surely, I’ve seen a change in her, the fights have decreased, and I’ve seen her drawing, and making small sound effects with her mouth as she draws. One day I got to see what she was doing and was astounded by the fact that she was making a manga. Her delusions finding a way into paper, where they are no longer delusions, as the characters in the story are living in the world she has created. Her drawings are pretty amateurish right now, but this could be great for her should she choose this path in life. So far only John and I are allowed to see them. Her speech pattern is more normal, even if she still believes her delusions, but even if she slowly leaves those behind, she’ll always be cool in my eyes.

   Panchikikku has begun to be independent of me. What I mean is, she barely asks for my help when it comes to John anymore. Even I have to say, that I feel out of all the girls, in regards to John, she has had the most noticeable development (doesn’t mean the others haven’t, it means she had to make the most drastic changes). She explained her reasons: that she knows in the end, if they get together, she won’t be able to rely on me to hold their relationship in place, which are facts. She feels it’s her turn to create her, own chances to hang with John, which ended in me crying tears of proudness, telling her I felt like a proud papa, which resulted in a low bonk to my head, of her stating she was two years older than me.

   So, as you can see, things have become hectic once more, but are slowly changing. Things have been keeping me busy, which honestly, is great. As they keep me from thinking back to that night… The happiest, yet the most dreadful night of my life.

   When I realized I love, Cho Sanagi. That day which we spent, basically cutting class, and hanging out with each other, was the most fun I’ve had in a while. And that night, when I fell asleep in her warm embrace, with her head on top of my hair, I realized that the crush I had on her, the one I had desperately tried to destroy, had gone beyond the point of no return. 

   When I woke up the next day, I slowly separated myself from her, went to get ready, and prepare to face the new challenge of feelings that will forever remain unrequited. Once I came back from the bathroom, I was welcomed to a sight to behold.

   Sanagi smiled down at me, with a gleam in her eyes that I had never seen before. Her hair was slightly messy, from a recently removed nightcap. Greeting me with an extremely joyous ‘good morning’, which I returned in a normal voice, I stepped aside, so she could get ready, which she thanked me for, before lifting me from the ground and giving me a tight hug, saying she had fun.

   My emotions were fighting each other, my knowledge of what I know will never be, vs. my hope for the impossible.

   Sanagi was strangely more peppy than usual; humming to herself as she went to the bathroom, making a twirl before closing the door. I keep asking myself what that was and why. I fancy myself in being able to read other people’s feelings quite well, wouldn’t be a shipper without that skill. I am sure I would have been able to know why that was, if MY THOUGHTS WEREN’T SO LOUD, preventing me from focusing on her expressions.
  
Thankfully, although I’m not known for my poker faces, as my expressions are even more readable than those of others, I was able to keep the happy mood, tapping into the dangerous giddy feelings, of the fact that I was hanging out with my crush. A tactic that may worsen the situation in the long run, but still, I can’t give a conflicted expression or Ch-Sanagi… SANAGI!... (Sigh). Sanagi might notice.

   Thankfully when we separated after breakfast, my mind was kept busy by other things. Turns out Yoen left her phone number with Mattari, after she explained what I did, and apologized to all of them. Mattari felt like she had to notify me, although she reassured me almost ten times, that I didn’t owe her anything, and was in my right to simply not call. But regardless I did and was more calmly able to listen. We reached some sort of closure, reaching a sort of middle ground, of ‘I forgive you but don’t want to see you ever again’ kind of thing.

   Since that day, Sanagi and I have not hanged much. Our calls and texting have been diminished. And no, I am not avoiding her, I’m not that stupid. I won’t risk one of my most important friendships over my stupid love for her. Strangely, the lack of contact comes more from her, but I am not worried, what little calls we’ve had, let me know everything is good between us, so this brings me peace. Ultimately the lack of contact between us is more beneficial for me, since I can focus on my shipping, and stop myself from thinking back to:

 Her joyous personality, overwhelming kindness, incredible social skills, genuine expressions, perfect smile, gorgeous yellow hair, gleaming eyes, her warm embrace, alluring pink lips- 

NOOOOO… STOP. BAD NIO, BAD!
 
 But one more thing concerns me. It’s been a while since Kiken made an actual move. Since I live with John for the moment (although soon enough my apartment will be fixed), Kiken hasn’t been able to have her break-in sessions. This worries me… What is she up to?...
 
    Mostly my entries in this notebook, relate to who I believe has more chances to win John over, ranking the girls, addressing developments, etc. But even if I addressed some developments here, I genuinely don’t feel like writing with a structure. I needed to vent all my feelings somewhere. This entry is not for strategy, this entry is really like a diary. I don’t think I will be able to make another ranking… The home stretch is coming... In a rom-com anime, most likely the prelude to the final arc. My strategies need to be top-notch, so I will focus on that. That, and trying to accept that I feel something for someone. Something that will stay at that… A feeling… Love is not for shippers.
 

…
 

   Well, this was an unexpected entry. Really thought a new shipping ordeal would happen, guess Nio needed to desperately vent. Oh well. Next time. Duty calls, as our shipper protagonist’s services are requested, by the girls which worries him the most. And what exactly is up with this girl, and where does Sanagi tie into this? Find out next on “Protagonist is a Shipper” part 3.