For Only God know how many times...
I am wasting my time again...
Changing my habbit and controling my self are chalanging enough
Sometimes, I am deffeated by my own desire.
Sometimes, I am just changing the daily by sleeping too much.
Sometimes, I can be the winner and doing anything straight.
Bruh...
The chance of my doing something right is only 33,4%.
That's 1 out of 3....
1 right 2 wasting time.
...
There is something wrong with my self.
I wanna blame internet for sure.
I hate how easy handphone controlling my self with useless activity.
I am regretting so much to know about game, manga, novel, YouTube, etc ...
I do remember a few years ago,
When I was a computer maniac..
When I chose to have a laptop than Handphone
When I was accompanied by a book in almost all my free time.
That's sure a wonderfull day when I didn't often waste my time.
But yeah...
I was too arrogant that time and always wondered why people did this and that
This current me might be an answer for those way of thinking of me in the past.
This might be a Special punnishment only for me, my self.
Requested by me,
Designed by me,
Generated by be,
Only for me,
The current me is having nothing to be proud of.
I am forced to look down, lower my voice, evading any conversation as much as possible and be humble all times.
If only I could combine my past self situation and my current self condition.
That's only "if" that couldn't be true at all.
Only a regret remains.
I couldn't do anything....but accepting this reality.
Sometimes, I wanna die and give up.
It became more and more often to thing about that ...
But,...
People always said that there is always something to be learn.
There must be something I can gain.
A precious unique experience.
A double edge sword that can be very usefull if being used right.
Knowing, understanding, learning, practicing, and evaluating....
Decorate by self-aware, regret, remorse, criticism, and problems .
A loop that I can't evade...For a character developement.
If only there is no a real Plot Armor called Hope.
And
A bitter fact that I am still alive and can smile in daily no matter how dire my condition and situation.
The fact that I am still being alive is tell me that there is still a chance to be better.
Sadly...
I am still being tricked by the sweets in my life that always give me encouragement with their own unique way and add a colour in my gray life.
A little happiness that save me from being broken...
But, I demand it too much...
I am being afraid to take a step on the thorn path...
Being afraid of a bitter and painfull medicice that can cure my own sickness called "laziness"
Just how many I have to lie and violate My own promise to myself.
Myself always say and remind me that
as long as I am not giving up of my life ...
Sonner or later
I Will be forced
by that life,
in the form of situation or condition،
to heal my self.
To eat that bitter medicine.
To do that painfull surgery.
Let's see...who is first ..
To force my self
Or to be forced by myLife
Ofc, the former is the less bitter, the less painfull, the better result.
But that's the most hard and challenging to do,
I do hope we can take a lesson from this random grumble of mine.
One thing for sure...
I wanna cry at this moment
