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"Aright, men. Donut." Sarge starts.  "Since Simmons has been demoted for reasons of dementia - "

"The tank was real!" Simmons shouts.

Sarge continues. "- and he's been ordered by the judge to stay at least 200 yards away from us -"

Simmons interrupts. "Oh, come on! That wasn't a real judge! That was Donut wearing a powered wig!"

"Over-" Donut clears his throat and talks in a deep tone. "Overruled. Shame on you. Hurr."

Sarge continues. "We are now holding auditions for the permanent position of second-in-command here at Blood Gulch Outpost #1."

"WHAT!" Simmons shouts.

"And since Simmons is disqualified because of the aforementioned cuckoo-ness, and since Grif isn't eligible -"

Grif turns to Sarge. "Or because I don't want to compete."

"Because you're ineligible!" Sarge says.

"No, I just don't want to compete."

"Of course you don't. Because you're ineligible!"

Grif sighs and turns away. "Whatever."

"Well, then who gets the job?" Ash asks. "Me or Pinky pie over here?"

"Actually, I managed to find some other candidates for you two to compete against." Sarge explains.

"Huh?" Donut and Ash are confused.

"We've located an old wrench used by Lopez and this skull of unknown origin." Sarge says.

Sarge continues. "Some dirt and a rock entered the preliminaries, but they didn't make it to the semifinals. Lazy bastards."

"Yes! You guys are going down." Donut says to the skull and wrench. "In for face, wrench! In your face... that that, bonehead."

Ash looks to the wrench and Skull then to Sarge then to Donut. 

"Am I really the most insane here?" Ash whispers to himself.

"You'll be competing against each other in a series of grueling events in order to gain my attention." Sarge explains. "First up, the obstacle course. Grif! Get the alligators!"

"I thought I was ineligible." Grif asks.

"To earn my respect, Dirtbag. You're still perfectly capable of grunt work.

Over with Simmons.

Simmons starts to talk to himself like the insane person he is.

"Oh, man. I can't believe this! My life was going exactly as planned. I was second-in-command of a marginally successful unit, I had a superior officer who genuinely cared about me, I had the respect and admiration of all my peers. That was the dream! How did it all go so wrong!? HOW!? HO-HO-HO-HOW?! Maybe that stupid tank was just a figment of my imagination."

"I don't think so." Shelia says to him.

"Shut up." Simmons says to the tank. "You ruined my life."

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07-01-2022