"Alright, Dirtbag." Sarge begins. "After the 3rd round of the competition it's still anyone's contest."

"Yeeahh, burn wrench!" Donut says. "'Anyone' includes me! Haha!"

"Ash was leading after the obstacle course, but then Donut was leading after the talent contest."

"Awesome. Who-de-who!" 

"But then the mysterious skull pulled ahead during the Questions and Answer session."

"That doesn't seem physically possible." Donut says.

Ash turns to him. " I was thinking the same thing."

Sarge continues. "So the standings are: The Skull, Donut, Ash and in fourth, the Wrench. Which is the current crowd favorite!"

Ash turns to Donut. "How am I losing to you?"

Donut turns to Ash. "These events have finally shown I am superior." 

Ash stares at Donut for a few seconds. "I will kill you and bury your body where no one can find it."

Donut whimpers and turns away.

"Ha ha, maybe the skull will be your new sidekick." Grif says to Sarge. Then he mimics Simmons/Skull. "Hey, Sarge, how can I kiss your ass if I don't have any lips?"

"And in last place, Grif." Sarge says.

"What? I thought I was ineligible."

"Ineligible to win, dead man." Sarge explains. "Luckily there's no chance of that happening since the last round is the evening-wear competition!"

"Oh-ho, you're in trouble now, Skull!" Donut says.

"This is my evening-wear." Ash whispers as he looks down to his armor. "I'm gonna lose to a skull, A SKULL! How is this possible!"

Grif turns to Sarge. "Then can I quit?"

Sarge turns to Grif.

"Of course, not." Sarge says. "Only eligible contestants can withdraw from the competition." Grif sighs. "I guess you'll just have to settle for sixth place, turd belly."

"Sixth place?" Grif asks. "Should I even ask who's in Fifth?"

"I'm reserving fifth place for any late entries who would obviously be better than you, such as a turd, or turd farmer."

.

.

.

.

.

.

"After the final calculations, we've declared a winner!" Sarge says, and he looks to Grif. "Grif, the envelope please!"

"Envelope? We don't have any envelopes, this is the army!"

"Donut's the winner."

"Ho ho, yes!" Donut yells.

"How did this happen?" Ash asks.

Over with Simmons

"Well, my life's officially over." Simmons says. "Time to go kill myself!" He walks off.

"Wait for me!" Shelia says and she follows him.

"Look, no offense imaginary tank, but I don't believe in you." Simmons tells Sheila. "You're just a product of my imagination."

"Actually, I'm a product of the military contractor that made the lowest bid." Shelia tells Simmons. "I'm a little ashamed of that."

"Well, leave me alone! I can't have some imaginary tank ruining my excellent reputation!" Simmons says. "Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go dig a hole to live in."

Simmons sighs. "I wish Grif was here. I could convince him there was food underground. Then he would dig half a hole for me. Or have Ash blow a hole in the ground. Even if he's bat shit crazy, he's kind of useful."

"You can live with me!" Sheila says.

"Just ignore it. It's not real." Simmons tells himself.

"I have my own base!" Shelia informs him. "In fact, I've made lots of renovations since you all left. See?"

"Hey! That's the old blue base!" Simmons says.

"Yes! I was sent to guard it from something!" Shelia informs Simmons. 

"I can't really remember what. Some of my memory banks have failed over the years."

"Do you remember what the Blues were fighting?" Shelia asks Simmons.

"Uhhhhh, I think it was pirates." Simmons tells her.

"Are you sure?" Shelia asks. "I think it was another army. I think they were a different color."

"No, it was definitely pirates." 

"That doesn't sound right."

"Yeah, pirates." Simmons starts. "And I think there were some ninjas that were working with them."

"No, I don't think so." Shelia disagrees. 

"And I think they had traveled from another planet."

"Incorrect."

"I think it was called: 'Cowboyland'."

"Negative."

"And they were here to rustle up some cattle."

"No."

"But the blues were gonna stop 'em."

"Naw."

"No wait. Monkeys. Monkey pirates."

"Nope."

"From.... Uranus."

"My logical data analysis sector indicates that would be highly unlikely." Shelia states. "And my 'bullshit' meter agrees."

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07-02-2022