The Reds, minus Donut, are running out of Red Base.

"Come on, double time, men." Sarge orders. "That goes double for you, Grif."

"Why are we always double timing anyway?" Grif asks. "Can't we ever half time? Or how about no time?"

"No, numbnuts." Sarge says. "According to Simmons, the blues have already reestablished contact with their command!"

"What? That's why we're running?" Grif asks.

"Of course!" Sarge begins. "By now, they could be receiving reinforcements! Or be taking advantage of some new, technological weapons development!"

"Not technological weapons development!" Ash cries out.

Grif speaks again. "Or maybe their command has been giving them the same, generic orders ours always gives us, like, 'Try to win!' and 'Do better than you're currently doing!' I swear, sometimes I think they don't even know our names."

"That's just what I wanted you to hear." Sarge informs Grif. "The conversations I had with command always provided vital intelligence!"

"Like what?" Grif asks.

"Like the location of the blue base!"

"Right there." Grif motions.

"And the number of soldiers they have." 

"Three." 

"Also, the location of the base!"

"Ah, you already said that one."

"I meant our base."

"For me, command always asks, 'How is your day?' or 'Do you need any supplies?' then they always ask 'Have you regained your memories?'" Ash says.  "They always ask the last one. Like, a lot."

Simmons turns to Sarge, ignoring Ash. "Weren't we the ones that provided them the intel in the first place?"

Sarge looks at Simmons. "Initially, yes, but command processes the raw data and gives us back the key details. You may recall they sent us plans for the next phase of the war. They were stored in Lopez before he was kidnapped."

"You mean before he ran away." Grif corrects.

"No, I mean SHUT UP, GRIF!" Sarge yells.

Simmons turns to Sarge. "But how do we even know he still has the plans? Last time we saw him, all that was left was a head. Maybe he stored the files in his legs, or his chest."

Sarge looks at Simmons. "You idiot, who stores memories in their chest? Don't you know anything about biology? The chest is strictly reserved for digestion."

"I sucked at biology." Ash says.

"Maybe they'll send us more reinforcements like last time." Grif states. "Donut's arrival was real turning point in the offensive."

"I mean, he did kill Tex." Ash states. 

"Where is Donut?" Sarge asks.

Simmons spots Donut. "There he is! Looks like he's talking to something."

"Looks like a rock." Sarge says, then he turns around. "Grif!

"What?" Grif asks.

"I need information on that rock, ASAP." Sarge orders. "Approach the target via flanking maneuver and establish defilade to that ledge. Point Alpha!"

Grif has a better idea. "Or I could just look through the scope of the sniper rifle since that's worked the last eight hundred times."

"Yeah, alright, fine. Take all the fun out of it." Sarge says. "I like my way better. It was more dangerous for you."

"Sarge, I have great news." Grif informs. "Looks like you're going to get your plans after all. And I'm not going to have to do anymore running, so everybody wins."

"What about me?" Simmons asks. "I didn't win anything."

"Oh, don't worry about it, I'm sure there will be somebody's ass you can kiss."

"There were no explosions." Ash states. "I didn't see any explosions. I lost. Also I'm sad and my shoulder hurts. I'm sad that my shoulder hurts."

.

.

.

.

.

.

"LOPEZ?" Sarge is surprised.

"Donut, where did you find him?" Sarge asks.

"Right here." Donut states.

"How were you two talking?" Simmons asks Donut. Then he looks down at Lopez. "Lopez, do you speak English now?"

"No" Lopez says.

"Well if he doesn't, why did he just say 'no' in English?" Grif asks. "Busted!"

"You're an idiot." Ash says to Grif.

"I took four years of high school Spanish." Donut informs the group. "That's the best way to learn any language."

"What have you two been talking about?" Sarge asks.

"Oh, the usual Spanish fare. I told him my name. I asked him what his name was. I asked if he knew where the bathroom was, how much a ticket for the train cost, and I asked him for the check."

"Please make the pink one stop talking to me." Lopez asks.

"Ask him where he's been." Sarge orders Donut. "No! Ask him where he's going! Wait! Ask him if he has out secret plans, and if he missed me."

"Lopez, do you know what time it is?" Donut asks in Spanish. "I am going to the beach with my cousin who likes to play tennis. I ate a pencil. Adios!" Lopez is silent. "Hmm... Looks like he's not talking, Sarge."

"Alright, he wants to play tough, huh?" Sarge says. "I built in an override code for just this event. LOPEZ! Give me root access. Priority: Delta One."

"Priority Access requested." Lopez says. "Please state the Access Code."

"The access code is...access code."

Simmons looks at Sarge. "Oh, you've got to be fucking kidding me."

"Ah, bitch about it later." Sarge tells Simmons.

"Access Code accepted" Lopez states. "Greetings Sarge, would you like to play a..."

"Lopez, replay the intel message from command."

"OK."

Grif looks at Simmons. "SEE! 'OK.' I'm telling you, this guy's faking."

Then the recording starts and it's Vic, but in Spanish. "Hello, hello. Can you hear me? Hello. Hey Blood Gulch Dudes, thanks for the information, very helpful."

"OH, come on." Grif is not happy. "The recording is in Spanish?! That doesn't even make sense!"

"This guy sounds just like the guy the Blues were talking to. Vic Jr.! I bet his kids changed sides." Simmons states.

"After analyzing the data you provided..." Spanish Vic continues. 

"Eggs Benedict Arnold!" Sarge yells. "Those dirty traitors!" He turns to Simmons. "...No offense Simmons."

"But, I though he couldn't have kids?" Ash asks.

The group ignores the insane guy.

"None taken, Sir." Simmons says.

"Traitor." Sarge says.

Spanish Vic continues. "...We have a fool-proof plan for winning the war."

"God damn it." Simmons says.

"Wait..." Donut realized something. "How did Vic have kid? I thought he had a vasectomy."

Everyone looks to Donut and the recording even pauses.

"Well that's just what I heard!" Donut explains.

"We've got to figure out what he's saying!" Sarge yells. "Donut, can you translate or can't you?"

"Uhh, I think he's saying something about losing his passport." Donut says.

"That doesn't seem right." Ash says.

"Well, when I was in blue base, Church mentioned that they built a translation device out of an old bomb." Simmons explains.

"E-Gads! No doubt to decipher their plans to destroy us! If we don't translate the tactical plans Lopez is saying, we're all doomed!" Sarge yells.

Spanish Vic continues. "Also, try to do better and please win. See ya."

"That information can save our very lives!"

"Why don't we sneak into blue base, steal the translation device, and use it on our message." Simmons suggests.

"I agree."

"I like that plan." Ash agrees.

Grif speaks up. "Let me get this straight, we're going to steal a bomb from our enemies. A bomb that can be remotely detonated I might add. And then we're going to bring it back to our base, and all huddle around it. What a great plan!"

"I mean, I don't see what's wrong with it." Ash says.

"Well, sure Grif, it sounds stupid when you say it like that." Simmons says.

"Come on, let's move. Somebody grab Lopez's cabesa." Sarge orders. 

"Of course!" Donut says. 

"That's not the cabesa, Donut." Sarge says. "And that's not Lopez!"

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07-03-2022