Chairman: Dear Director.

Fade in to the Reds in one Warthog being chased by another

Chairman: Our laws are not designed to outline every possible infraction that may take place! However the spirit of the law is clear. Blatant disregard for the safety and well-being of our citizens, in any form, will always be a punishable offense, regardless of how well, or by whom that offense has been justified.

The Reds, minus Ash, are in the lead car, being fired upon

Simmons: Here they come!

Sarge: Simmons, what're you waitin' for? Shoot 'em!

Simmons: I can't! The stupid gun is jammed!

Sarge: Step on it, Grif.

Grif: Yeah, no shit!

Sarge: Whose idea was it to steal a jeep from these guys anyway?

Cut to Wash, Ash and the Blues watching

"Gah, I knew this plan wouldn't work!" Wash says.

"Man, that looks fun." Ash says.

Church looks to Wash. "We all knew this plan wouldn't work. None of our plans ever work."

"That's why we carry guns." Caboose explains.

Wash then mocks Sarge. "'We can get a car, no problem. We're better with vehicles than the Blues, let us handle this.' Why did I even listen to them?"

"Because Red team is the best." Ash says.

"I told you not to." Church says to Wash.

Washington: Yeah, well, I already stopped listening to you three bases ago.

Caboose: Well that's not very-

Washington: And I never started listening to you.

The chase continues

Sarge: Force them into the wall!

Grif: On it!

The pursuing car enters the base

Grif: Where'd they go!?

Sarge: Did ya lose 'em?

Grif: Looks like it.

They skid to a stop as the other car works its way through the base

Sarge: What in Sam Hell? I don't believe it.

Grif: Well Sarge, I guess you owe me an apology. Turns out I'm not such a bad driver after-

The other jeep emerges from the base right in front of them

Grif: ...all.

The other jeep's gunner turns the turret toward them

Grif: Aw come on, what the fuck!

The Blues and Ash watch the chase resume

"Aw man." Caboose starts. "That jeep has a really big gun."

Church looks to Caboose. "Don't get any ideas."

"The M41 LAAG is a triple-barreled, electric-powered, linkless, belt-fed weapon, capable of firing 500 12.7x99mm  armor-piercing rounds per minute. Turret traverse rate is 100 degrees per second and weapon elevation rate is 60 degrees per second. Recoil from sustained fire is prodigious and negatively impacts accuracy at long range." Ash says. 

"I see something hasn't changed with you." Wash says but then he sighs. "Well I guess I'd better get down there and save them." He walks forward. "I'm really starting to hate this part of the job."

Caboose speaks up. "Well at least you're getting a lot of practice at it."

"Don't patronize me."

"You know, if we let 'em die we could probably all squeeze into a one car. Just saying, you should think about it." Church suggests. 

"Oh, and if enough of us die, we can fit on a motorcycle!" Caboose states.

Church turns to Caboose. "Alright good, he's gone. Caboose, you stay here, I'll be right back."

"You're leaving?" Caboose asks.

"For some reason he doesn't want me to see Tex's body." Church explains.

"And it may be for a good reason." Ash says.

"Shut up, Ash." Church says with annoyance. 

Church turns back to Caboose. "I'm gonna go try to find her."

"Um..." Caboose starts. "Don-, don't leave me here with your body. It stares at me, and I don't like it."

"You'll be fine." Church says as he disappears. 

Church's body: *humming sound*

Caboose: Stop it.

Cut to the chase involving the Reds

Simmons: Got it!

Grif: Great, you unjammed the gun? How 'bout you shoot 'em!?

Sarge: Grif, just get us out of this!

Grif: Hold on, I wanna try something. I think I can make this jump!

Sarge: Are you insane?

Grif: Yeah, fuck this, brakes!

They skid to a sideways stop at the edge of a cliff, which the other jeep promptly jumps off of and explodes

Grif: Uhuh, we're really high.

Simmons: Yeah, got him!

Washington: You idiots! We needed that jeep!

Grif: Uh yeah, and we needed not to die? What's your point?

Washington: There's still seven of us. Where're we gonna get another vehicle?

A gunship rises up behind Wash, and everyone turns to look at it

Washington: ...Oh.

Grif: Hey, dude? In the future, don't ask for shit.

Cut to the base, with a couple guards watching

Guard 1: Looks like the Hornet's gonna get 'em.

Guard 2: Yeah. They blew up our jeep though. That kinda sucks.

Guard 1: And they killed two of our friends, right?

Guard 2: Oh yeah that too.

Guard 1: Still I think -

Church possesses the guard

Guard 1: Hegagurgurk!

Guard 2: You okay?

Church-as-Guard: Me?

Guard 2: Yeah you. What was that noise?

Church-as-Guard: I didn't... hear any noise.

Guard 2: It sounded like-

Church-as-Guard: I sneezed.

Guard 2: You sneezed.

Church-as-Guard: Yeah, so anyway, I'm gonna go in the base now, gonna go do some patrolling in there. You know how it goes. Standard ops stuff. Okay seeya.

Guard 2: What're you talkin' about? The CO said to stay out here. Make sure no one gets in the base.

Church-as-Guard: Oh, it's okay. I uh, I spoke to the Sargeant. He gave me special orders.

Guard 2: Okay, yeah. Wait, you mean the Captain?

Church-as-Guard: Huh? Yeah, right. That guy. Whatever.

Church enters the base and we return to the Reds

Simmons: Run!

Wash looks to the base and sees one of the guards (actually Church) enter it, and radios Caboose

Washington: Dammit. Caboose! What is Church doing?

Caboose: Oh, uh, doing? Uh, why nothing, Agent Washington, he's just standing next to me watching you get killed by the giant spaceship.

Washington: Oh really. Can you put him on then?

Caboose: Oh, I don't think so, um, we're, we're playing a game. Uh, called, who can hold still the longest. Uhm, it's a fun game we-

An explosion shakes the cliff enough that Church's empty body falls over backward

Caboose: ...I'm going to have to call you back.

"Huh?" Ash says. "Maybe I should blow it up?"

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07-11-2022