In the desert, the Elephant is seen ramming into the temple’s door. Cut to the inside of the temple, where Tucker, Sarge, Ash Grif, and Caboose are seen.

Ash is between Grif and Sarge.

"What the hell are they doing out there?" Grif asks.

"They've been trying to blast their way in here ever since I locked it down." Tucker explains and he looks off to the side. "They're not having much luck through - ARE YOU FUCKIN ASSHOLES?!" He looks back to the group. "This stuff looks like rock but it's way tougher."

"What's tougher than rock?"

"Paper." Caboose states.

Tucker stutters. "How the fuck should I know? Super rock? What am I? Some kinda geographist?" 

Tucker looks to Ash.

"I have no fucking Idea, I deal with weapons. Not rocks." Ash says.

Sarge speaks up. "They have some kinda big machine out there."

"Yeah." Tucker starts. "They just got that thing. I think THEY think they're gonna yank this door off with it. Not fuckin happening."

"They wanna get their hands on that weapon?" Sarge asks.

"Yeah. And we can't let them turn it on, no matter what happens." Tucker looks to Ash. "Why don't you go do what you Freelancers do best. Fuck shit up."

Ash looks towards the door then back to Tucker. "I think I feel safer in here."

Sarge speaks up. "Well why don't we just turn it on and use it against them?"

"Fuck, what?" Tucker asks. "We don't know what it does! We could turn it on and it could make us all sterile."

Caboose is seen in the background running into a different room.

"Oh no!" Ash says in horror. "I plan to settle down with a nice wife, should could be a military doctor and she'll be kinda like me and we'll buy a nice house near a lake and have like three children." 

Everyone stares at him.

"What?" Ash asks.

Grif turns back to Tucker. "Would it do that?"

"Well, the last weapon we found was designed to wipe out all organic life in a HUGE radius." Tucker informs.

Ash shivers in delight. 

Grif whistles. "Wow.... What's a- radius?"

"I dunno, they just made me learn this crap for my dumb job." Tucker explains. "Point is: don't touch anything. You hit the wrong button, you flip the wrong switch, we'll all be dead before you can say - Where's Caboose??"

"Uh... I don't think that's how that expression goes." Sarge says.

"No. I mean where the fuck is Caboose?"

"Oh yeah... He does have a habit of wandering off, he's been trying to rig equipment to do something. We don't really know what. That boy's not quite right, y'know?"

"What the- I just said not to touch anything and you guys let him walk away to find equipment??? What the hell is wrong with you! Man I swear, you guy's always been idiots but this takes the cake!"

"He's on your team, not ours." Ash says. "You put the leash on him. Dipshit."

"Oh. Right...." Tucker says. "....Hey - uh, so if you guy's aren't doing anything you wanna help me go find Caboose?"

"Let's go." Sarge says.

Sarge, Ash and Grif begin to walk past Tucker.

"So embarrassing for you..." Grif says to Tucker.

"Just go find the guy." Tucker says.

"So sad...."

"I fucked your sister."

"As if, the only thing you can fuck is an alien!" Ash says as he walks past Tucker.

Cuts to Valhalla. Lopez is working on another motorcycle, humming to himself. Simmons is seen in the background charging in.

Simmons: Loooopeeeezzz!!

Lopez: ¡No! Acabo de arreglar éste. Éste es mío. ¡Aléjate![No! I just fixed this. This one is mine. Stay away!]

Simmons: He's here! He's here!

Lopez: ¿Quién?[Who?]

Simmons: The bad guy! The guy who wants to kill us!

Lopez: Tendrás que ser más específico que eso.[You're going to have to be more specific than that.]

A grenade shot by the Meta flies by and crashes into the Red Base.

Simmons: The Meta! He's here!

Lopez: ¿Qué? ¿Aquí? Pensé que estaba muerto.[What? Here? I thought he was dead.]

Simmons: Oh geez, look out!

Simmons and Lopez duck. A Bruteshot grenade flies overhead.

Simmons: Son of a bitch!

Lopez: ¡Madre de Dios!

Simmons: Lopez! We need some big guns.

Lopez: Okay. Eso podré hacerlo.[Okay. That I can do.]

Simmons: I'll grab the rocket launcher. (picks up rocket launcher while Lopez goes inside the base) Just grab whatever you can, Lopez! I'm trained to handle this weapon. (stands by the motorcycle Lopez was fixing) Lopez? Anybody?

The Meta is seen approaching the entrance which Lopez had entered in. He pauses upon seeing Simmons.

Simmons: All right, you bastard! Prepare to get “Simmonsized!”

Simmons fires a rocket, which hits the motorcycle. Simmons and the Meta watch as the vehicle flies over the Meta and lands to the side of the base, on fire. The Meta growls and turns his attention back to Simmons.

Simmons: Well, fuck me.

Missiles crash into the Meta from the base’s entrance. He flees from them.

Lopez: (walks outside the base with a missile pod)¿En serio dijiste "Simmonsized"? [Did you seriously just say “Simmonsized?”]

Simmons: Lopez!

Lopez: Cierre la cogida. Usted rompió mi motocicleta de nuevo.[Shut the fuck up. You broke my motorcycle again.]

Cuts to the temple in Sandtrap, where Caboose is standing with the Epsilon unit. The A.I. unit is making noise. Caboose darts to the side and examines a box.

Caboose: No. (examines a cylindrical object) No. (discovers something buried in the dirt) Hmm...

Scene cuts to the Elephant outside the temple.

Intercom: Just open the temple and you can leave. We'll take what we want; no one has to get hurt.

Cuts back inside the temple.

"SHUT UP, IDIOT!" Tucker yells. "I should've stabbed that fuckin' speaker while I was out there."

"I wonder if it has Bluetooth." Ash asks.

"Caboose!" Grif yells.

"Caboose!" Tucker yells. "Where are you!"

"Hey! Blue!" Sarge yells. "Hope you're not dead~! Now that there's two of ya, we're getting close to a fair fight! Come on out here so we can KILL YA!"

Tucker: [with his voice low] Hey guys, shut up, do you hear that?

Caboose: [to someone offscreen] Would you be quiet? See, you're gonna get me in trouble.

Voice: Trouble? Fuck that.

Tucker: Who's he talking to? Aw, crap! Did somebody break into the temple?

Caboose: Shut up—okay, see, you broke that. See, that was your fault.

Voice: That, that was already broken.

Tucker: Whew! (withdraws his sword) All right, let's charge in there and take these assholes out. On my mark. ...That means when I say “go.”

Grif: That voice sounds familiar.

Sarge: Yeah. I find it annoying and grating for some reason.

"Makes me want to punch someone." Ash says.

Caboose: Okay, just stop moving around, hold still!

Voice: I am holding still, you're the one that's moving.

Tucker: Yeah, that sounds like—

Voice: Get your hands off me! Fucking douche!

Caboose: I'm sorry, Church!

Tucker and Grif: Church!?

"Asshole!?" Ash asks.

The three run around the corner. Caboose and a floating monitor turn to see them. After a brief silence…

Caboose: I can explain.

Monitor: (in Church's voice) Who the fuck are these guys?

Sarge: Who brought the floating bowling ball? Where's the thumb hole?

"You look like a melon." Ash says. "Can I eat you?"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

07-14-2022