Church: What happened? Where am I?

F.I.L.S.S: Safety Protocols were initiated, please remain calm.

Church: Sheila, is that you?

F.I.L.S.S: Yes.

Church: What is this place?

F.I.L.S.S: Your operator has been injured or incapacitated, and you are now in Recovery Mode. You will remain in this state until such time as you can be extracted by a Recovery Agent, or your operator regains consciousness.

Church: Wait! You didn't send a Recovery Beacon did you!? Because that would be really -

F.I.L.S.S: Recovery Beacons only arm once a unit leaves the facility. This unit has yet to leave this facility. Therefore, we must first...

Church: Yeah, yeah I got it. Is that Tex?

F.I.L.S.S: Affirmative. Technically, she is not present in this environment, but if you would like to speak to her I can relay communication through external channel.

Church: Yes, please.

F.I.L.S.S: I am sorry but she has refused the connection. She should not be able to do that.

Church: Yeah, that's not surprising. Can you force it through?

F.I.L.S.S: I can try, but I would not recommend that action.

Church: Because I might damage her?

F.I.L.S.S: No, I just have learned that if a woman wants to be alone, it is best to leave her alone.

Church: Yeah, good call. Hey get me out of this but, uh, leave her in here until I figure out what to do with her.

F.I.L.S.S: Suit yourself.

Church: Uhh, she didn't hear that did she?

F.I.L.S.S: Unclear.

Church: I thought you weren't relaying my messages!

F.I.L.S.S: Recovery Mode disabled.

Church: You women always stick together. Oh man, I hope she didn't hear that.

Cut to Washington at the desert.

Washington: Are you going in or not?

Doc: Oh, do I have a choice? Then not, I'm gonna go with that one.

Washington: Meta, get out here!

Meta: (growls)

Doc: Yeah, definitely gonna stick with not. That seems like the best one of those two choices that you gave me.

Washington: Get in there.

Doc: Tell you what, put me back in the wall, I like the wall. It was cozy and it protected me. I miss my wall...

Washington: You are utterly useless. I know we brought you along for a reason, but for the life of me, I can't remember what it is.

Doc: The important thing is we're becoming friends. They say the bonds of men in combat are as strong as brotherhood!

Washington: Meta get out here... please...

Doc: Voice sounds tense. Maybe you should give him a back rub. That wouldn't be weird, right? One Freelancer giving another a back rub?

Washington: Aren't you trained in stress management or something? Calm him down!

Doc: That only works if the person wants to be calm. I don't think he qualifies.

Washington: Listen, Meta, whatever you found, we can deal with it, I promise. Just come out here and show me what it is.

Meta throws something at Washington and Doc.

Washington: WOAH!

Doc: Funky butt-lovin'!

Washington and Doc stare at the Epsilon module.

Washington: Oh. You found... that.

Scene cuts to Chuch and Tucker.

Tucker: Oh oh god, that sucked! What was all that glowing shit?

Church: Sheila put us in lock-down to save us.

Tucker: She knocked us out to help us? That makes sense.

Church: Hey, at least we're not getting our asses kicked okay? That's an improvement.

Tucker: Yeah, that's a good point. Can't argue with results.

They walk over to the Reds.

"Shelia, can they uh, can they hear me?" Church asks F.I.L.S.S

"Affirmative." The A.I. replies.

"SHE SAID YES!" Caboose yells over the intercom. 

"WE HEARD HER DIPSHIT!" Tucker yells.

"I KNOW! I JUST WANT TO USE THE MICROPHONE! ... IT MAKES ME SOUND SUPER LOUD! I'M NOT SURE YOU CAN TELL!"

Tucker turns to Church. "Hey where'd you get the new body?"

"Long story dude." Church tells Tucker. "I'll tell you later."

"Ehm I know I asked, but I don't really give a shit Church."

Caboose's voice comes over the intercom. "ATTENTION FREELANCER SHOPPERS! WE HAVE A SPECIAL ON SELF-ESTEEM GOODS IN AISLE SEVEN!"

"Sheila." Church starts. "Please mute him."

"Affirmative." The A.I. says.

"THIS IS MICHEAL J. CABOOSE SIGNING-" Caboose gets cut off. "Ah man!" Caboose's muffled voice is heard.

Scene cuts to the Reds in Recovery Mode.

Xi flashes a few times behind Ash before disappearing. 

"Sarge, where are we?" Simmons asks.

"Men, I have bad news for all of us!" Sarge starts. "We're dead. Which in the case of Grif is good news for me! But still, bad news overall."

"Dead?! I can't be dead! I still have so much to do!" Simmons says.

Grif: Uh? Like what?

Simmons: Like... everything that doesn't involve a computer... man, it's been a real one-track life for me.

"I still have a MAC cannon to build! And a wife to find!" Ash yells. "AND A NICE LOG CABIN ON THE LAKE!"

Grif: So this is the after-life, huh? Not bad, it's kind of grainy. Overall, I can't complain.

Sarge: This is just the stage before we move on, like purgatory.

Simmons: Ooo, or like the last episode of Lost.

Sarge: Hey! I haven't seen that yet! No Spoilers!

"YEAH! No spoilers, Grif!"

Simmons: That show was on hundreds of years ago!

Sarge: La, la, la-la, don't say anything else!

"I AM YELLING TO BLOCK OUT NOISES!" Ash yells.

Simmons: Give me a break!

Grif: Well, I'm going to sleep. See you losers in 14 hours.

Sarge: Grif, no napping!

Grif: Sorry Sarge, but you always said I can sleep when I was dead. Hey, guess what? I am dead. So this purgatory is about to become purga-snory. Yawn...

Sarge: Grif!

Church:*Echo* Hey Reds! Can you hear me?

Sarge: Who in Sam Heaven is that?

Simmons: Is that God?

Grif: Hey almighty, can it! Some of us are trying to get a little shut eye.

Sarge: No Blasphemy!

Simmons: What do you want God? Take Grif, he's been terrible! I mean great!

"What's heaven like?" Ash asks. "Is there guns and explosives?!"

Tucker: It's not God dude, its Church. He just thinks he's God.

Scene returns to Church and Tucker

Tucker: Pfft, this is just what you need, more people worshiping you.

Church: Yeah, hey listen, we want to let you out, but we don't want you to attack us or attack Tex, OK?

"Attack Tex?" Simmons asks. "She attacked us!"

"Fuck you guys." Grif says.

"I would NEVER hurt a girl!" Sarge says.

"I'm gonna hurt you!" Ash says. "F.I.L.S.S Can you let me out?"

"Affirmative." The A.I. says.

Ash's armor lock goes away and he runs up to Church.

"No! Wait!" Church yells. "ARMOR LOCK!"

Ash's armor lock turns back on before his robot first reaches Church's face.

"Aw fuck you." Ash says. "It's your fault where in this mess. Let me back out!"

"Just agree to not hurt us or Tex and we'll let you out." Church says.

"Ughhh, fine." Simmons says.

Grif: Whatever...

Fine!" Ash yells.

Sarge: Grk duh mrm jerk gurrgle...

"I'm gonna assume that last one was a yes." Church says. "Alright let 'em out Shelia!"

"Affirmative." F.I.L.S.S says. "Ending Recovery Mode: Red units."

The armor lock turns off and Ash punches Church in the face and he falls to the ground.

"OW!" Church yells. "What the fuck, Man!"

"Hey, not my fault." Ash says. "You were the one who didn't move."

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07-16-2022