Fade in, revealing Tucker and Wash working on the comm tower.

Tucker: I'm just sayin' I feel like somebody should have found us by now.

Washington: Hm?

Tucker: You know, it's like if a plane crashes and disappears that's fine, civilians, whatever.

Washington: Not sure if I agree with you on that.

Tucker: But this was a fucking spaceship. That's like national tragedy level important.

Washington: It was a big ship.

Tucker: And what about GPS? The Galactic Positioning System should have been able to inform Command of our location within seconds of a mayday.

Washington: How... do you know that?

Tucker: Uh...

Cut to inside the spaceship, before the crash

Spaceship Operator: The Galactic Positioning System would be able to inform Command of our location within seconds of a mayday, so even the ship were to crash rescue would be practically immediate. Isn't it that rad?

Tucker: Cool, nerd stuff. Hey, is it just me or is that blonde over there checking me out?

Spaceship Operator: Who? The pilot?

Tucker: Yeah she's definitely checking me out.

Tucker walks over to the pilot

Spaceship Operator: Wait! You can't go over there!

Tucker: Hey baby, I hear you're a pilot. Think you could pull up on my throttle? Bow chicka bow wow.

Alarms and red lights go off. Cut back to the canyon

Tucker: I read it in a book?

Washington: I don't believe you. (returns to work on the comm tower) Then again, I don't really care.

Tucker: Phew...

Washington: (straightening up again) Hey.

Tucker: Oh-oh what? Nothing.

Washington: What happened to my soldering iron?

Tucker: Ooh I don't know.

Washington: Dammit. This would be going so much faster if I didn't have to keep tracking down equipment every five minutes.

Tucker: What, you think the Reds took it?

Wash cocks a shotgun and imitates Sarge

Washington: Men, it appears our shitty fortifications aren't meeting my ridiculous standards! Let's steal Washington's tank and fire it at our walls! That'll fix it.

Tucker: ...

Washington: Yes, I think the Reds took it.

Tucker: Man, why are you so wound up all the time?

Washington: Because every second we're here is another second closer to death. Or worse.

Tucker: What's worse than death?

Washington: I don't know. I just thought it sounded dramatic.

Tucker: Come on, it's not that bad. I mean, if we were back in Blood Gulch, we'd be doing the exact same shit, you know.

Washington: There's just something about this place. I can't help but feel like we're being watched.

Tucker: Oh please. People get that feeling all the time. I had it for years.

Washington: But that's because you were being watched! You were monitored by a secret organization for every second of every day.

Tucker: Well, I don't feel like I'm being watched now.

Washington: Thank you. I feel much more secure.

Tucker: Don't be a dick.

Washington: Then don't be an idiot.

Tucker: The fuck is your problem?

Washington: My problem is that you're absolutely right. Somebody should've found us by now. Now where the hell is that goddamn soddering iron?

Cut to Caboose crouched in the dark

Caboose: Boy you're lucky I came by. What is a little fella like you doin' way out here?

The sound of something cracking happens

Caboose: Hey... no moving. Have to get you out of here first. Don't worry... we're gonna be beeeeeeest friends.

Cut to the Reds

"You're an idiot." Simmons says.

"No, he has a point." Ash says to Simmons.

"See Simmons. I am just the man who is willing to ask the hard questions." Grif says.

"You're both definitely idiots." Simmons says.

"All three of you are idiots." Sarge says as Xi is on his shoulder helping him build the robot. "Now keep it down, I'm tryin' to focus!"

"Terminator, The Matrix, Battlestar Galactica!" Grif says. "Everything points to robot domination of the human race!"

Simmons then speaks up. "Well, technically, some Cylons relied more on synthetic biology, and note conventional robotics, but that was only in the series reboot. And y'know those are pretty rare.

"Fine!" Grif says. "Then Wall-E, it doesn't matter! I just think it's strange that we're not already bowing down to our robot overlords!"

"I'm a cyborg. You wanna bow down to me?"

"Pass."

Simmons: (robotic voice) Fuck you meatsack, your logic is flawed.

Grif: You are the biggest fucking nerd. You know that right, I mean you really know that?

Simmons: (robotic voice) You must construct additional pylons. Rrr-wrr-rrr

Sarge: Well Optimus Prime's knuckle, I think we're in business.

The robot stands up straight

Sarge: Ladies, I would like to introduce you to the newest addition to Red Team.

Xi flashes back over to Ash's shoulder.

Simmons: Can it, talk?

Robot: (silence) Hola. [Hello.]

"Oh, it's like Lopez." Ash says.

"To bad I don't have the translating skill." Xi says.

There are mixed complaints from Simmons and Grif.

"Huh..." Sarge says. "That is an unfortunate coincidence." 

"Spanish, why is it fucking Spanish?!" Grif asks. "Why not French?! Or German?! Or Sangheili?!"

"Je pense qu'un robot français serait cool." Ash says in French.

"You can speak french?" Simmons asks Ash.

Ash shrugs his shoulders. "I got bored one day and learned it."

Robot: Lo siento. ¿Mi elección de idioma no les complace? Mi configuración de sistema están actualmente configuradas a Español. [I'm sorry. Does my language choice not please you? My system settings are currently set to Spanish.]

Sarge chuckles. "Y'know, it almost feels like the good ol' days. Just me, a Spanish speaking robot, A insane guy with a knack for explosives, and a couple of idiots."

"...You're talking about Grif, Ash and Donut, right?" Simmons asks.

"Thanks, dickhead." Grif says to Simmons.

arge: Lopez Dos-Point-O, it's good to have you aboard.

Lopez 2.0: Gracias, maestro. Es mi deber--[Thank you, master. It's my duty to--]

Sarge: Now get to work, slacker!

Lopez 2.0: ¿Perdóneme?[Excuse me?]

Sarge: Comm tower. Middle of the canyon. Repairo, los rapido.

Grif: It's Spanish Sarge, not Harry Potter.

Lopez 2.0: Suena como si usted tiene algún equipo que requiere reparación.¿Es eso correcto?[It sounds as if you have some equipment that's in need of repair. Is that correct?]

Sarge: Hm. He's not doing anything.

Grif: Maybe he's stupid.

Sarge: Robot! Do you, understand, us? Comprehende?

Lopez 2.0: Sí.

Simmons: Well, he knows what we're saying, so I guess he's just stupid.

"Maintenant, nous avons deux crétins." Ash says in french.

Lopez 2.0: Les puedo asegurar. Estoy funcionando a un nivel sobre promedio--[I can assure you I am performing at an above average--

Sarge: Uh, poor stupid Lopez Dos-Point-O. Well, let's just take him over to the comm tower.

Grif: Why? He's a moron.

"Comme toi Grif." Ash says in french.

Sarge: Yep, but maybe he'll end up being like a Rain Man-type moron. We could get him one of those grey suits.

Lopez 2.0: Haré mi mejor esfuerzo para servirles.[I will do my best to serve you.]

Simmons: Hh, what a shame

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07-20-2022