A ship flying on the ocean, approaches an island.

Dylan: Coming up on the island.

Simmons: How are we gonna know if they're here?

Dylan: I got a feeling they'll see us before we see the- (Alarm)

Dylan: Yep. There's our answer. Someone just locked missiles.

Jax: Shields up! Go to red alert!

"I feel so alive!" Ash yells.

Sarge: What does this hub-cap have in the way of countermeasures?

Dylan: Well, if they shoot, we can counter by exploding. That's about it.

Simmons: Yeah, let's make that plan B.

Dylan: Our autopilot is worse than useless against guided missiles. I- I don't suppose any of you moonlight as combat pilots?

"I flew a Hornet like twice." Ash says.

Grif: Oh! I crashed a ship once- uhh, it was technically a tactical crash.

Tucker: Yeah, I think I prefer plan B.

Two missiles are fired.

Dylan: Incoming! Twelve o'clock. Grif!

Grif: Just a minute! I still haven't figured out how to invert the controller scheme.

The ship dives as the missiles fly above it.

Grif: Whoo! That was on purpose!

A barrage of missiles are fired.

Dylan: Oh heck...

The ship does a barrel roll to evade two missiles and flies above two more, but another warhead hits it straight on. Inside the ship, sparkles fly. Outside, it's a big blast and the ship is falling as Surge and Temple watch from the island.

Surge: Direct hit, sir. She's goin' down.

Temple: Thanks. I fucking noticed.

Surge: I still think we should have eliminated-

Temple: Enough! Looks like you'll get your wish after all.

The ship crashes on the ocean.

Surge: Shall I lead the greeting party?

Temple: We've got more important things to do. Have Lorenzo and Cronut roll out the red carpet while we secure the facility.

Surge: Uh, permission to speak freely, sir?

Temple: Nah.

Surge: Alright, then. [towards the edge] You heard the man, men! Let's show our guests some hospitality!

Tanks and jeeps show up in front of Surge.

On the beach, the Reds and Blues - Lopez only a head again - plus Dylan and Jax, stare at the wreckage.

"Okay, I know I sound like a broken record." Jax starts. "But you definitely should have been-"

Grif cuts Jax off. "Would you shut up about the leaf on the wind shit?! I got us out alive, you're freaking welcome."

"The Revere's totaled." Dylan states. "The comm array is still functioning, but not for long. That's gonna cost someone an arm and a leg."

"You mean besides Lopez?" Sarge asks.

"Hey, Lopez!" Simmons starts. "How about we turn you into a little backpack like C-3PO at the end of Empire?"

Lopez: Por favor, no. Solo dejame la sombra. He tenido suficiente acción para siempre. [Please, no. Just leave me in the shade. I've had enough action for ever.]

Sarge: What's that? You want us to throw you into the ocean? But Lopez, why would we do that?

Lopez: No me eches en el oceano. [Don't throw me in the ocean.]

Sarge: Ohhh! To keep you from falling into enemy hands, hehe. Your selflessness knows no bounds.

Lopez: Señor Grif. Detergalo, por favor. [Grif! Stop him. Please!]

"Hey, don't look at me, Lopez." Grif says. "I'm the lazy one, remember? I can barely speak English."

"And there it is." Ash says.

"Let's get our boogie on, troops!" Tucker orders. "Before they come looking for survivors."

View from all the Blues and Reds guarding the facility.

Dylan: The power facility is at the top. That's where Temple will be holed up with the machine.

"Too late to call for backup?" Simmons asks.

"Let me handle this." Ash says.

"You sure?" Tucker asks.

Ash begins to walk forward and he puts a hand on the handle of his katana.

"You could say I'm a little pissed." Ash says. "And need to calm down."

Shing

Ash takes the katana out of its sheath and Ash twirls it around. 

"Attack when the first shots are fired." Ash says and he heads towards the Blues and Reds.

"He's piiiiiiissed." Simmons says.

A Red and a Blue behind a barrier.

Red: Ease up, broseph. Just say, "Don't knock it till you try it."

Blue: Personally, I don't see what the big deal is.

Red: They're baaaby seeals. See, that's why it's so funny when you bash their brains in. Personally, I put on some Nickelback, do a few dozen at a time... Brrrup! [Chuckles]

Blue: Yeah, yeah, I mean, I guess that's kind of funny.

Red: Fine, Judge Judy, the heck do you do for fun?

Blue: Oh, you know, normal stuff. I like pushing small children down wells... I like hunting endangered animals... I like driving around without ever using my turn signals!

Red: Hahaha, nice.

Blue: Yeah, you know lately, I've really been into defending Hitler on the internet.

Red: Heeeell yeah. Pretty much every Red on this hillside is a casual racist AND a Holocaust denier!

Blue: Haha, same with the Blues. We also agree that all women are sluts.

Suddenly a sword goes through the Blue's chest.

"Dude, I think I've been stabbed." The blue says as the sword is taken out of his chest and he falls down.

"Huh?" The Red questions as he looks up only to be met with the barrel of a Plasma Repeater. "Mommy." 

Ash fires and the Red falls to the ground with smoke rising from his helmet.

Ash begins to walk towards the rest of the camp.

A blue spots him. "What the hell is that?"

A red comes over. "What?" He notices Ash. "Huh?" 

Blood drips from Ash's katana.

"Contact!" The blue yells and he opens fires along with the red.

Ash runs forward and he dodges all the bullets and slices the two soldiers heads off.

Grif runs by Ash, high on methmeth scrooms.

Blue: Contact, southeast! We're under attack! Open fire!

Red: [Mumbling] I can't see anything, I don't have my glasses...

Grif bashes those two as well. Then we see him running in circles while evading fire.

Grif: [Rapidly] Hey guys, how's it going guys, going good over there? I'm doing the methshrooms! Meth meth methshrooms! And they're doing their thing and I'm doing my thing and everything's going great over here. I feel great, over.

Simmons, Tucker and Caboose sneakily approach a guard station. Then Sarge comes in besides them running...

Sarge: Very surprising sneak attack! Raaaargh!

...and fires his shotgun at the turret guard, followed by two soldiers next to a Warthog.

Tucker: Damn it, Sarge!

Sarge boards the Warthog.

Sarge: Saddle up, Simmons! Or Grif! Warthog's all the action!

Simmons: With pleasure, sir.

The Warthog is now running, with Simmons at the turret.

Simmons: Yeah, suck it, Blues! And Reds! And Blues and Reds!

Carolina: Got three new tangos to the west.

Sarge: Copy that! Juking at 9 o'clock!

Carolina: Simmons! Contact! 85 degrees east.

Sarge: Simmons! By God! Two marks at 12 o'clock!

Simmons: Can we please settle on a consistent denomination? Are we using cardinal directions or are we using clock positions?

Sarge: Simmons! Contact! Hard to starboard!

Simmons: Urghh, never mind!

Carolina: Hard right, Sarge, you got reinforcements from the northwest.

Grif arrives holding a lot of grenades.

Grif: You're up, Donut... Think my... [voice starts to slur, he drops the grenades] methshrooms are wearing off a bit... Nonono they're not!

Donut: Bombs away!

Grenades are tossed at various guards, who fall dead.

Blue: Please have mercy. I'm innocent! Also, global warming is fake news, you cucks! [laughs]

Tucker shoots this guard, who is then ran over by the Warthog and kicked by Grif. in the nuts.

Tucker tackles a guard and fires at two others when another comes from behind him...

Blue: Gotcha!

...until he trips and falls.

Blue: Ooh! Who tied my shoelaces together?

Tucker: [laughs] Good one, Caboose!

Caboose: I'm so sneaky. They don't even know what's happening. You can't even see me right now, Tucker.You're so confused.

Carolina is shooting.

Carolina: More comin' in from the north. Sarge, circle back to regroup.

A red runs up with a rocket launcher. "Eat rocket!" Suddenly the barrel of the launcher is cut off. "Aw man."

The red falls to the ground dead.

Ash stabs his sword behind him and he stabs a Blue in the head. Ash sees a grenade on the ground and he kicks it up and catches it. Ash sees a couple of soldiers on machine guns. Ash pulls the pin and kicks it at the two soldiers.

The grande lands between the two and blows up.

Over with Dylan.

[Cellphone rings]

Dylan: Hello?

Johansen: WHERE?! Where did you get it? Tell me, Dylan, WHERE?!

Dylan: Dr. Johansen? Slow down. What are you talking about?

Johansen: The machine. Where did it come from? It's aliens, isn't it?! It has to be...!

Dylan: The machine? But... you said it could never function.

Johansen: I was wrong! And now we're... DEAD! We're all dead! Dylan! The damn thing is fully fucking functional!

Cronut approaches his cronies near a tank.

Cronut: Saddle up, Lorenzo, it's time to whack these dingos! Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Cronut boards the tank, Lorenzo takes the turret.

Lorenzo: Blocca e carica, andiamo. [Lock and load, let's go.]

They fire at the Warthog, Sarge and Simmons leaving in the nick of time before it blows.

Johansen: We ran the plans through our simulators, okay? Damn computers froze. It overheated, then, it just... works, somehow. How? I dunno!

Dylan: But you said it needs, er, supernova of power.

Johansen: I can't believe I'm saying this out loud, Dylan, damn thing is a- is a... is a time machine. It generates power by opening a wormhole to the past and using the energy imbalance between the two timelines like a chrono-electric generator. This... th-thing, what am I saying...?

Dylan: A time machine...? You're fucking with me...

Johansen: Oh my God. I wish- I wish that were true...! This is some "Ark of the Covenant"-shit, Dylan. This is god magic.

The tank is approaching them and a second tank rolls in.

Over with Ash.

Ash sees the two tanks and one heads towards the others and one rolls towards Ash.

Ash runs towards the tank and its turret swivels towards Ash. Ash moves to the side as bullets from the machine gun turret fly towards him.

The tank fires and the shell lands near Ash and explodes, Ash disappears in the cloud of smoke.

The tank turret and machine gunner look at the smoke.

Suddenly Ash flies above the cloud of smoke and flies towards the tank.

"Die mother fucker!" The machine gunner yells and he fires at Ash, only for his gun to jam. "Damn, I shouldn't have bought this tank off of E-Bay."

Ash reaches the tank and the machine gunner gets down and he hears a loud thud. The machine gunner shakily looks up to see the tank turret gone and on the ground next to the tank.

"Holy shit." The soldier mumbles and he sees Ash walking away from the tank. Ash throws his arm up and something flies through the air and lands on the lap of the gunner. He looks down to see a grenade. "HOLY SHIT!"

Over with Ash.

The tank explodes behind Ash as he puts his sword on his back.

Over with Jax.

Jax: Hey! Italian robot! Uhh, Fellini sucks! Oh- oh, and uh, Dario Argento is a poser!

Lorenzo: Stai zitto, coglione. [Shut up, asshole!]

Jax: Ha! And, Sergio Leone, is uhh... Overrated! A little, just a little!

Lorenzo: Alarma! Vestamia! [Alarm! Heresy!]

Jax: And soccer's boring as fuck!

Lorenzo aims his turret at Jax. Meanwhile, Tucker jumps and grabs the cannon, and while hanging from it shoots three approaching troops. He then kicks Lorenzo's head into the sky.

Lorenzo: Vendetta! [I will have my vengeance!]

Tucker is now punching the front of the truck, which continues to run.

Sarge: Tucker, what in Sam Hell do you think you're doing?

Tucker: I'm taking down this tank!

Simmons: By punching it?

Tucker: Fuck yeah!

Ash and Carolina run up.

Carolina: That's NOT going to work.

Tucker: It's totally gonna work, you assholes! I'm punching it right in the radiator!

Simmons: That's not how radiators work!

Tucker: Shut up and help me punch this fucking tank!

"I'm having too much fun watching, to help you." Ash says.

Back to Dylan...

Dylan: Alright, Doc, let's cut to the chase. What happens if someone uses this fucking time machine laser drill?

Johansen: Well, say goodbye to that plan! Setting aside the tsunamis, earthquakes, and mega volcanoes, the bigger problem... is Newton.

Dylan: Care to elaborate?

Johansen: Newton's Third Law! "Every action has an equal and opposite reaction." The law of consequences! You can't steal energy from the past without the energy coming back to haunt you.

Dylan: Sounds bad.

Johansen: Quantum singularity bad! Black hole sucking up the planet bad! Now, Dylan, I'd love to stay curious and chat forever, but me and the guys need to run some tests on how fast we can get shit-faced wasted and passed out under our lab desks before dying.

Dylan: Sounds like a plan, Doctor. Thanks for the insight.

Tucker is still punching the tank while everyone else watches.

Simmons: Tucker, stop it.

Sarge: Don't listen to 'em. This is the best idea you've ever had!

"This is the best thing ever." Ash says.

Carolina: You're going to break your arm.

Tucker: Urgh... No, I ain't! I'm gonna break, this fucking tank! Raagh!

Carolina: Tucker, please-

[BOOM!]

Tucker: Ahahaha, shit yeah! Check me out. motherfuckers! Tucker's got his groove back!

Carolina: (in utter disbelief) That-should-not-have-worked...

"Logically speaking-" Ash starts.

"Not now, Ash." Carolina cuts off Ash.

Now they're all around Dylan, who has explained the thing she heard.

Dylan: Fully functional, he said. Powered by an honest-to-gods time machine.

Simmons: But, time travel is impossible!

Tucker: How can you say that? We've traveled in time before.

Simmons: No, we didn't. We just thought we did. Don't you remember?

Tucker: Aw, shit.... I think you might be right. All that shit was so confusing.

"With how she explained it, it's actually possible." Ash says.

Dylan: Regardless, if Temple switches on this damn thing, it's the apocalypse! That's what matters right now.

Carolina: He wouldn't destroy the planet for... vengeance...

Dylan: He might not even know! He might not be thinking about anything but revenge!

Simmons: Yeah, he might be an idiot.

Tucker: Well, he's definitely dangerous. Come on, let's go.

Grif: Ughhhh, I'm gonna- I'm gonna need a minute, guys.

Simmons: *sigh...* I told you that taking all the meth methshrooms at once was a terrible idea.

Grif: Yeah, I'm gonna hurl. Oh no. [Kneels, and starts gagging]

Simmons: [Sighs] I'll hold your head...

Tucker: Well, you've got 30 seconds. We still got work to do. Before that psychopath turns on the time machine.

A pillar of light ignites atop the mountain.

Dylan: Oh no. We're too late.

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08-02-2022