The episode opens with romantic instrumental music over a sunset, followed by an establishing shot of an island with a long sandy beach. The camera pans in to Carolina standing on the beach, panning in to reveal Wash standing near her, close behind. Wash walks up to Carolina.

WASH ACTOR: [In a seductive whisper, reaching up to touch her helmet.] Take off your suit.

CAROLINA ACTOR: [Swoons into Wash's arms.] Ahh!

The camera pans over a wooden floor littered with pieces of armor, as well as several colorful pool noodles. Exaggerated kissing noises can be heard.

WASH ACTOR: Ah, I wanna be in you like an AI.

The real Wash and Carolina are revealed to be standing off at the edge of the set. Two sets of bare feet can be seen in the foreground.

WASH: Jesus. Dare I even ask?

CAROLINA: Jax... wanted more sex appeal in the movie.

SISTER: [Running up behind them.] Oh, shit yeah! Lemme get in on this!

JAX: And cut! Another amazing take! Did you get that?

CAMERAMAN: Yeah.

JAX: Moving on!

GEORGE: Friends and fellow citizens! That is a wrap on the Carwash lovemaking vignette! A Unit is shooting Grimmons next. B Unit proceeds straight to the highway chase.

SISTER: Dang it!

CAROLINA: Hey, Kaikaina. When did you get here?

SISTER: Just showed up with Tucker and Grif. Come on!

Kaikaina, Wash, and Carolina approach Tucker on the beach.

WASH: Hey.

TUCKER: Hey!

SIMMONS: No way!

GRIF: Yeah, dude!

SIMMONS: No wa-hay!

GRIF: Yeah, buddy. I'm gonna need your help coming up with some more sword puns. Mine are getting a bit... dull!

SIMMONS: I hope I can cut it!

JAX: Heh-hey-hey, the great reunion! Minnie, you're on white, Greg, you're on tight-50, you miss a fucking word and you swim home!

SARGE: Ho-ho! What's this now?

JAX: It's the documentary crew, here to film my meteoric rise to superstardom! Movies within movies! We're getting meta!

GRIF: Right. So.

A Donut Hole opens in the midst of the group, and Donut emerges.

DONUT: Aw! You guys are doing a beach episode without me?

GRIF: What do you want, Donut? If you're here to try and stop us--

DONUT: Not at all! I'm here to help. Everyone, there's something I need to get off my chest!

GRIF: Save it!

DONUT: No, guys! I'm super duper sorry! This whole sticky mess--it's on me! All over me! I've screwed each and every one of you deep, with no protection! And now, I've come to help pull out, before we're all truly boned! From now on, nothing comes before my friends. They come first, and they come second. They come third, they come fourth--

As Donut speaks, the camera moves a bit unsteadily, like it's being held freehand. Occasionally, it goes in and out of focus.

GRIF: We get it!

"Where's Ash?" Tucker asks as he looks around.

"Oh, I got it." Donut says and he shoots a portal in front of him. "He's on the other side of this portal. So we just have to shove our hand into the hole and he'll come out."

"So where is he?" Simmons asks.

"He's spending time with his sister." Donut states. 

Sarge hums. "Grif! Reach in there and pull him out."

"What? Why me?" Grif asks.

"Do as I say!" Sarge orders.

Grif groans. "Fine."

Grif walks over to the Donut Hole and reaches into it.

With Ash.

Ash is looking down at the portal gun with a pink portal behind him. A organe armored hand reches out and grabs onto the back of Ash.

"Huh?" Ash is confused and he's pulled back into the portal. "Waa-!"

The portal closes as Ash is dragged in.

Cal looks back to where Ash was. "Ash?" she looks around "Ash? Hmmm, must have went ahead already." Cal looks at a nearby calendar. "Oh, Ash's birthday is close, I hope he likes the present I got him."

In the present.

Grif pulls Ash through the portal and it closes. 

"Huh? What? Where am I?" Ash asks as he looks around in confusion.

"You're in the present my friend." Donut says.

"Donut!" Ash yells. "Did you bring me here?!"

"No, it was Grif." Donut looks to Grif.

Ash slowly looks towards Grif.

"Uh oh." Grif says in a scared tone.

"GRIF!" Ash lunges at Grif and proceeds to beat the shit out of him. "I WAS HAPPY! WHY DID YOU BRING ME BACK!"

Simmons turns to Sarge. "Did you know that was going to happen?"

"Yup." Sarge confirms. "I sometimes here Ash talk about his sister, so I knew who ever pulled him out of that portal; was going to be beaten."

"I... Sorry... Please.... forgive me." Grif says between punches.

"Okay, Ash, I think he gets the point." Carolina says and Ash gets off Grif.

Grif groans as he lays on the ground.

Then we see Ash in an interview-style shot, labeled: Cyprus Ash, Spartan and Ex-Freelancer.

"I was with my sister." Ash says to the camera. "I was so happy, I haven't been that happy in a very long time. But then that bastard Grif ruined it!" Ash sniffs. "I miss her already."

Then we are in another interview-style shot with Xi, labeled: Last A.I. of Project Freelancer. 

"A-A-Ash suffers from Amnesia." Xi states. "Sssssoooooo h-h-he can't remember m-m-most of his past. Th-Th-Though I've been hel-hel-helping him these past few years t-t-t-toooooo get his memory back. We've ma-made a bit of-of-of-of progress."

To the present.

Grif gets off the ground with a groan. "Oh, I hurt all over."

Ash is off to the side grumbling to himself.

DONUT: So, Grif. What's that plan of yours?

GRIF: Me and Tucker and Sister have been talking to some folks, and these folks have been saying that all of our time traveling is bad, and they want to meet about it and convince us to stop.

CAROLINA: Who are these... people you're talking to?

GRIF: Not people...

WASH: Aliens?

GRIF: Let's call them aliens.

TUCKER: They're gods!

CAROLINA: What?

WASH: We leave you alone for five minutes and you piss off God?

SISTER: Gods. There's a shit-ton of 'em.

GRIF: It doesn't matter what they are, okay? Or how many. They want to tell us what's actually going on, and I think we should hear 'em out.

Sister is framed in an interview-style shot, labeled: Kaikaina Grif, CEO, Blood by Blood Gulch Music Festival.

SISTER: So, first we meet Grif, and Grif sets up a meeting with the gods. Then at that meeting, we set up this meeting, which is all about setting up another meeting. Fuck everything about this. I'm supposed to be on vacation.

Cut to a different shot, zoomed in on Kaikaina, unfocused.

SISTER: Great. Everyone knows what's going on now. Can we go?

SARGE: Absolutely not. Tell the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost to shove it! Red Team will not forfeit tactical superiority over the past!

Cut to Sarge standing next to a window, The Office style. Labelled: Sarge, Super Colonel, Red Team.

SARGE: God can take my magic gun--damn it, take two! God can take my magic gun when he pries it from my cold dead fingers!

Grif on the beach with the cabin in the background. Labelled: Dexter Grif, Pizza Lover.

GRIF: I had a feeling Sarge was gonna be a stick-in-the-mud. Time for a new tactic: lying.

Another shot, Grif talking to Sarge on the beach.

GRIF: No one's asking you to give up your time machine, Sarge, okay? Of course you can keep it. THey just want to chat.

CAROLINA: These... beings you're talking about. You really trust them?

GRIF: I trust one of them. Huggins saved my life! And she vouches for the rest.

SISTER: Fun fact! Huggins is a sentient lens flare.

WASH: This is finally making sense.

TUCKER: Anywho, they can't hurt us. We all have some kinda shield against their magic.

CAROLINA: Why?

SISTER: 'Cause! We're unwilling agents of some all-powerful time god.

WASH: Last time I was an agent, at least I got dental.

Ash walks over.

GRIF: God can't kill you. That's full coverage.

"God can't, but I can." Ash says and Grif takes a few steps away from him.

CAROLINA: What if they found a way around this shield?

Wash in an interview shot, labeled: Agent Washington, BAMF.

WASH: Honestly, this is the best I've felt in ages. Hanging out with the guys again, in way over our heads... it's what I was made for.

CAROLINA: What if this is some sort of trap? Get us all together in one place...?

SISTER: I don't think it's a trap.

CAROLINA: But how do you know?

SISTER: I got a sixth sense for when someone's lying to get in my pants. And they ain't settin' it off!

"Well, if it's a trap, I'm gonna stick my metallic foot up their ass!" Ash says with anger.

JAX: So, Grif. These god-beings are saying that time travel is bad.

TUCKER: Yeah. It does damage to the timelines, or whatever.

JAX: Yeah. Bad for the timelines, but not bad for us.

CAROLINA: What are you saying?

JAX: Ahaha. I'm just trying to figure out if time travel is some sort of monkey's paw that's always gonna blow up in our faces!

GRIF: Huggins said so.

JAX: But can we prove that's true? I say we test the idea.

GRIF: Don't you have better things to do? Don't we have better things to do?

CAROLINA: If we're going to meet these... gods, the more intelligence we have, the better.

JAX: I propose that I create a unified timeline of all your time travels. We look at that big picture, and we will learn the truth.

Kohan in an interview shot, labeled: Kohan Wooter, Producer, Red vs Blue: The Movie Film.

KOHAN: Jax is so smart--

Rapid cut to a close-up on Jax.

JAX: So all we need are interviews! With everybody. It'll take no time. We'll squeeze it in right before we shoot the giant mech sequence.

SARGE: Screen time, you say? Count me in!

CABOOSE: [Sighs.] I'll go get my resume.

Xi pops onto Ash's shoulder. "Let me fix up some of my programming before we start!"

Interview shot of Simmons, labeled: Dick Simmons, Assistant (to the) Red Team Manager

SIMMONS: So of course, Sarge decided he was going to use to the time machine to fix it--

GRIF: But that didn't work.

SISTER: Next thing I know, I got JFK brains on my visor.

Ash is standing in front of the interview camera. "I found out I was the reason why Minne's Hornet crashed."

JAX: Interesting.

Jax scribbles furiously on a whiteboard.

Interview shot of Caboose, labeled: Michael J. Caboose, Your Best Friend.

CABOOSE: Yes, thank you for having me. The greatest obstacles and challenges for me to overcome are definitely babies, gravity, taxes, and Chinese finger traps.

GRIF: Then I had to convince Caesar to invent pizza. You know, since he's a foodie with that salad and all. Didn't go great, though. Knives were exchanged, and--

Jax is still drawing.

DONUT: On the one hand, Chrovos saved my life. And he's treated me with more respect than the Reds and Blues ever have! But on the other hand, the Reds and Blues are... well... hmm. They are... huh. I actually think the other hand is... empty.

CABOOSE: [Struggling to free his hands from a Chinese finger trap.] Yes... where do I see myself in ten years? Yes. Well, I definitely would not be stuck in any kind of eastern appendage experiments! Hnnh.

The Reds and Blues are now all gathered around the whiteboard, which is covered with a green cloth. The Blues (except for Sister) are lined up on the left, the Reds and Sister on the right.

JAX: All right, here's what I got, everyone--the final verdict. Time travel has backfired every time that it was used to fix a personal mistake: to repair pride [Camera turns to Sarge], embarrassment [then Tucker], the loss of something valuable [then Caboose]. {Then to Ash.} A dead sister. However, that doesn't mean that time travel is a monkey's paw, something that will always backfire! Case in point: I've been using Sarge's time machine for weeks with no negative consequences!

SARGE: Uh, what?

JAX: Time travel isn't good or bad! Now, in terms of our unified timeline... [Pulls the cloth off the whiteboard.]

TUCKER: Hah! Perfect.

SISTER: Oh, yeah! Woo-hoo!

"Wow, I never thought it could be soooooo... interesting." Ash says.

JAX: What?

SIMMONS: You've drawn a dick, dude!

Jax's diagram does indeed appear to be a dick, complete with balls.

TUCKER: Mine's bigger.

JAX: No! It's-it's a science!

SARGE: Your science looks like a one-eyed trouser snake.

Xi flashes onto Ash's shoulder. "Our t-t-t-t-timeline is verrrrrrrry crude."

GRIF: Great. Now that we've gotten all that out, it's time we stop spinning our wheels. I for one vote we go meet with the gods and talk this through.

SIMMONS: If Grif thinks it's a good idea, I'm in. ...Euh, can't believe I just said that without sarcasm.

CABOOSE: Yeah, I'm waiting to hear back about a job, but uh, yeah okay.

WASH: I still have questions. Mainly, what does any of this have to do with finding Church?

There's a confused pause.

TUCKER: What?

"Church?" Xi asks in a sad tone.

WASH: His distress call. The "Help me, Obi-wan Kenobi" message? That's the whole reason we're here. What do gods have to do with Church?

SIMMONS: That was a different thing.

CAROLINA: He's kidding! Right, Wash? Just... pointing out how absurd this is?

WASH: Right.

Five Donut Holes open on the beach, and the Reds and Blues run through.

JAX: Now, as for me, I've been using the time machine to recast all the major roles of the Red vs. Blue movie.

Cut to a shot of Sarge near a sandbag wall in a heavily-gray-filtered gulch.

SARGE ACTOR: Well pal I hope you brought your wallet. Because rent in hell gets paid in advance!

TUCKER ACTOR: What'd I tell ya. I get no respect.

CABOOSE ACTOR: It's bullshit. I did not hit her! I did not! Oh, hi, Grif.

GRIF ACTOR: For the last time, I'm not Grif, man. I'm the Dude!

TUCKER ACTOR: Bow chicka wow bow. One more time! Bow chicka bow bow! What is it? What's the line? Feed it to me.

Back to Jax on the beach.

JAX: Brilliant! And unlike everyone else, it hasn't backfired one iota--

KOHAN: Hey Jax! [Comes running out from the cabin.] I just got off the phone with the studio! They took a look at the new casting, and they killed the funding! We're done! I'm free!

JAX: Eh, whatever! If they've cut the funding, we'll just raise the money ourselves! I happen to know some people with a time machine--oh fuck! [Runs off.]

Cut to the Reds and Blues exiting the portals and entering the dwelling of the gods.

ATLUS: It has been many eons since mortals were allowed audience here, in Starseat, the seat of the Cosmic Powers. I, King Atlus Arcadium Rex--.

JAX: [poking his head through one of the portals] Hey guys! Can I borrow your time machine? Ooh, nice water fixtures.

Atlus growls and hurls his gravity hammer straight into Jax, knocking him back through the portal.

JAX: Oww!

The Reds and Blues raise their weapons.

CAROLINA: Contact!

WASH: Take cover!

"My shoulder hurts!" Ash yells as he aims his Plasma Repeater up.

KALIRAMA: Everyone, calm down! [Turns to Atlus.] Temper, honey. I think they knew him.

ATLUS: That mortal idiot interrupted me! [Grudgingly.] I'm sorry I smited your mortal idiot friend.

GRIF: Meh. No harm, no foul.

ATLUS: Ehhh. That was my primary weapon. [The other gods turn to look at him.] Don't--don't look at it.

CAROLINA: This is God?

Ash turns to Carolina. "I kinda expected bigger." He whispers. 

KALIRAMA: Yes. Atlus is the King of the Cosmic Powers. I am Kalirama, his Queen.

SARGE: You're married?!

TUCKER: Whoa, wait a second. Didn't you call her your sister earlier?

ATLUS: Yes.

TUCKER: So which is it? Sister or wife?

ATLUS: Yes!

TUCKER: Gross!

WASH: This is some Game of Thrones shit.

"Sweet home, Alabama!" Ash sings.

GENKINS: I'm Genkins, with a G! I love posting spoilers on YouTube! At the end of the next one, the pink guy steals the hammer!

BURNSTORM: I am Burnstorm, Master Builder of the Gods!

SISTER: Hah, what?

TUCKER: I'm King Tucker, breaker of headboards!

SIMMONS: I'm Simmons, Wizard of Science!

CABOOSE: And I am Simmons--uh, I'm not Simmons!

"I'm Ash, a badass Ex-Freelancer and Spartan." He introduces himself.

SARGE: I am Sarge, Lord of the Twin Flag!

DONUT: And I'm--uh, come back to me.

SISTER: I'm Kaikaina, and I like to party!

GRIF: [rapping] Awww, Dexter Grif! He Who Must Not Be Messed With!

HUGGINS: Yes, boy!

GRIF: Sup, Huggs!

LOPEZ: Me llamo Lopez. [My name is Lopez.]

CAROLINA: I'm Carolina and this is Wash. Now, to matters at hand--

WASH: Spoilsport. I had a good one percolating!

CAROLINA: How about you start at the beginning?

ATLUS: The beginning? Ha ha ha! Very well. The very beginning...

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10-14-2022

2923 words