Small Forewarning

Verity

 

I found myself experiencing fleeting moments where only the past week of my life felt real. So much of my life felt like it never belonged to me. A few nights ago, I had wanted to just let it all go.

A part of me had craved a second chance. But I never really got that. Verse would be the one to live that life.

Now I demanded more. To me, inheritance meant reclaiming a part of the life denied to me.

I understood in broad strokes how to do that. But I needed someone with experience to point me in the right direction, show me the right book, something.

 

The Chorus and I ascended to Orbital Hall's peak. Shadowy hands and tendrils worked a pulley lift at a measured pace. Other methods of ascending and descending the levels existed, but there were only two of us and this was the most direct ascent. The Chorus had been more than willing to put in the effort.

"We were supposed to teach and protect you. Even then, to commit to a confrontation with a Stormfolk is voluntary."

Their words barely registered. I had to recite them a few times to squeeze out any intended meaning. "You're saying I went above and beyond what is even expected of a Guardian."

"You are never under any obligation to fully recover from such an ordeal."

The sentiment would have been fine if it weren't for the weight of expectation. "I'm not unraveling Chorus." With a sigh, I wondered what the rest were up to.

"There have been a dozen times when we have not healed properly. The Headmistress is who we sought when no one else could help."

My disappointment could be perceived in the frigid air around me. "Thank you, Chorus. If nothing else, you've done much to assure me that I am moving in the right direction."

"We are pleased to hear this and hope it holds true for you."

I briskly stepped off the lift and into the space where a network of staircases, lifts, and passages with room for flight all terminated in a chamber lit dozens of lit braziers. It took only a moment to acknowledge the Chorus's departing bow with a forced smile.

In truth, there were things I wanted to discuss with Chorus, but I was only up to a full conversation with one of them today. I had brushed the Headmistress off. It was going to bother me until I gave her a chance to hear her out.

At the far end of the room sat a pair set of doors meant to accommodate something much larger than the Headmistress herself. Other individuals milled about, most of them with books in hand. The uppermost floors contained various gardens, the most expansive library, and a dizzying number of highly specialized spaces with names I did not bother to commit to memory.

I did my best to keep my distance as I passed through the great doors and through the central chamber of the library to reach a second ornate set of oversized doors leading to the Headmistress's chambers. A voice came from within, one I recognized.

It was Amari's voice.

"-tire of attempting to fit in here."

That felt sensitive enough that I announced my presence with a firm knock. "It is Verity. I was hoping to return your visit."

"A moment, if you do not mind!" The Headmistress called. Hushed words followed.

As I waited, the nearest braziers slowly began to dim from the stolen heat.

"While I appreciate your discretion," Amari cut the Headmistress off, "I have nothing to hide from Verity."

A beat of silence. I shifted wordlessly in an attempt to gather myself. None of this could get back to Verse and the other. An Amari's presence changed that.

"You can come in now, Verity."

I pressed against the doors, finding they gave far easier than I expected. Upon letting go, some unseen mechanism did the rest of the work for me.

"Welcome, to my office and the archivez!" The Headmistress sat atop a pile of cushions at the far end of the room. She extended her wings in what I took to be an inviting gesture.

Amari wore an outfit thick with white fur. She rose from one of three glassy stone chairs and turned to greet me with a wave. There was something about her smile that did not meet her colorless eyes, or maybe it was the other way around? I found the expression oddly comforting.

"What bringz you here today?" asked the Headmistress. I appreciated the open ended question.

"You came to my room offering to help and I turned you away. At the time I wasn't certain I even wanted help. Or what that would even look like. I think I have changed my mind."

"What haz changed?"

The shrug of my shoulders took effort on my part. "Nothing, really."

The Headmistress and Amari shared a look.

I continued, crossing the room to meet them as I did so. "So much that felt right when I first came here now feels wrong. I hoped to find a place most Stormfolk would  not follow." Instead I destroyed that place, however unintentionally.

A long tail reached out from around the desk and pulled out a chair for me.

I fell into the offered seat and struggled to prepare what I had come to say. "I thought I wanted to start over, find an opportunity to build up my newfound sense of self. But everything has just felt wrong since confronting my parent."

"Verity, what you are feeling iz perfectly normal. There iz no need to rush recovery from what you have endured." I could see it now, another jumble of words that failed to really make a dent in what bothered me. It took meeting the Headmistress's eyes for the meaning to stick. She meant it a hundred times and maybe would a hundred more.

I was coming to realize that gazing into the soul of another was a personal thing. There was time only to appreciate that the Headmistress's eyes were too complicated to take in at a glance. She averted her gaze, but not before I was left with the impression of a mirror with hundreds of cracks that been painted over.

Something just as beautiful in its destruction.

"Verity, I kindly requezt that you allow me to meet you where you are, and not the other way around. Pondering how broken one can be while ztill functioning iz a fate I would prefer that you avoided."

I winced, and averted my own eyes at that to find Amari had clenched her fists at her side. Her lips drew into a tight line. Was that my fault? Had I interrupted her session with the Headmistress or did she disagree with something that had been said?

Amari did not speak. Instead she plucked something from her eyes. When she met my gaze, the colorless lenses were gone. Gemstone slits cut through a faded pool of red. The window to her soul was a dark one, but the intensity of her expression promised hostility if the topic was raised.

"Since we're all being vulnerable here. You can call me Tourmaline, the eldest monster of the Amari sisters." She turned to intercept a disapproving glance from the Headmistress. "It's my trauma. I get to share it with whomever I want. Verity here has fought and bled for her place as much as I have."

The Headmistress had nothing to say to that.

"I'm not interrupting anything, am I?"

Amari, no, Tourmaline, shook her head. "Not at all. I've officially invited you to the group therapy session."

"Not everyone iz willing to meet Lady Night in their dreamz. " The Headmistress began to explain.

"Or able to sleep long enough for that to factor." I said, frankly exasperated.

My words visibly troubled the both of them. "In those cases," a weak smile accompanied the Headmistress's words. "A Night's Sworn will visit you in person."

"Oh." I said. I had not been willing or interested. "Sorry."

"Stop. No. Enough of that. You, Verity, have nothing to apologize for." Tourmaline practically barked the words. "If you do not consent, there's nothing she or Lady Night can do. This is as it should be."

The Headmistress's laugh grew a touch sadder. "Tourmaline haz the right of it. Zomething I hope you never learn firzt hand iz that giving unwanted or the wrong advice can do az much if not more harm than leaving you alone to figure it out yourzelf."

"Okay." I sucked in breath and one of the two braziers flanking the Headmistress went out. "I'm ready to let you both in, but the words, if I can bring myself to say them, cannot go beyond you two."

Ruin had enough scars already. I could not ask her, Whisper, or Verse to confront the pain that sucked the warmth from the world around me. They had been hurt enough getting me this far. This was a pain I could not stand them knowing.

Tourmaline rose to her feet, strode over to my side, and placed a hand upon my shoulder. "How about we take this conversation to a place where we can break something? I find it helps when I have a harmless outlet for working through some things."

I looked up at her, first her hand and then her wicked grin. It was hard to hide my skepticism, but her confidence was just as hard to resist. What was the harm in trying to project the harm I was causing elsewhere?

"I think... I would like that."

 

***

 

I recounted what I could of the days that led me to flee the Stormfolk for a town defended by Boltstone and everything that followed. Laying out what weighed on me all at once helped me confirm the shape of the pain.

At some point in the retelling I had circled back to a feeling of not deserving the attention I received.

It took me a moment to focus and reach out. A moment later that feeling and a bonfire were snuffed from existence.

I opened my eyes to find my hand encased in a thick layer of ice that warded off any sense of feeling beyond a pleasantly cool and tingly sensation.

A feeling and fuel consumed. An Aspect imbued into the shape of frozen claws.

"Is this okay?" I asked. For a moment the ice felt a little less pleasant on my skin.

"That iz for you to answer."

"Although the sooner you figure it out, the better."

The headmistress shot a warning glare at Tourmaline.

I glowered and dismissed the two of them with a wave of my now clawed hand. For a brief moment, the concept of my hand extended to the tips of the claws.

I did not need their input.

Water had always been something I had an easy affinity for.

When I needed to fly, it took on a gaseous form.

When I wished to no longer be perceived, I could fade into mist.

When I was uncertain of my appearance it could shift at the speed of thought.

But this wasn't control, not anymore. I was in the process of redefining my relationship with the water I wielded.

It had been the one and only thing I truly excelled at during the Bad Days. Mastery over water, wind, or heat was required to explore the others on my own.

But I had never stopped sticking out to the other Stormfolk. If they could still see that I was different, why could I not?

Mastery over water gave me a sense of self control. With it, I could explore what it was that made me different.

The shape of the pain in my chest was now so clear.

I'd found my answer. It set me free enough that I did not have to address anything else. To be free was enough.

 

In the present, the solid ice moved as if it were still water. It spread from my fingers to envelop much of my chest.

"Verity haz reached a breakthrough."

"Finally." The two approached me from the far end of the room. Tourmaline discarded fresh firewood with a wolfish grin. "So? What'd you settle on?"

"Self actualization, I think. Water has always been easy for me to command, unlike heat and air. Once I got past the empty praise for finally starting to resemble a Stormfolk, it opened the door to explore just how many ways I that I was anything but. It was the first time I seriously considered how my life would change if I committed to running away."

"Huh. Self actualization doesn't feel like much of an ideal."

"If it iz important enough to Verity, it will work."

"Hey, don't let me rain on your moment. At this stage, all an Aspect needs is to hold up against stress and scrutiny."

"Thank you, Tourmaline." I said.

"Whatever Frost Princess. You ready to be test how well your self actualization holds up? I can put you through your paces."

The Headmistress made a sound. She needed a moment to collect herself. "A Vestigial rite? Verity haz not even seen one, let alone been taught how to participate."

"Are you implying that confronting a Stormfolk is nothing like a high stakes round of Defiance? She had her heart broken and her first soul construct unravel around her." I did not miss the growls that the Headmistress and Tourmaline coaxed from each other. Tourmaline was the first to back down, her voice falling into something softer. "It is not a matter of whether she can or not. I would rather we explored what we've been through in a safer environment. There has to be a better way to navigate pain and violence than just standing around and talking about it."

Her firsts had closed into fists once again.

"Hmmm." The Headmistress gave me an appraising look. "I remain unconvinced. But if Verity comez to an understanding and givez her consent, I will allow it."

Tourmaline met my eyes with a look of excitement. "Defiance, as the Vestigial Rite has come to be called, is a contest of imbued ideals fighting against one another. Typically this is a fight between constructs prepared in advance that represent or obscure the ideals to guard them from harm."

"Okay. I am with you so far."

"You and I have personal enough problems to work through that a direct confrontation with lower stakes than life or death on the line might do us some good."

"I am ztarting to have my rezervationz." The Headmistress said with a low rumbling growl.

"What am I agreeing to here?"

"The hope, is that we can redefine or refine our relationships to violence in a direct conflict of expression. Without proxies, if your Self Actualization or dress of Night and Stars break, you can get hurt."

"Okay. Yeah." I said, a little choked up. "I want this. I've been trying to choose what is most important to me for a while now. And this just feels right. It's something I can engage with."

"Traditionally, the contest goes on until one Aspect cracks. But if what you need is to push them all to their breaking points..." Tourmaline's voice trailed off. She could see that I knew where she was going with this.

"I could work through the things no words can reach. Maybe finally feel justified in discarding them for good."

"As an added concession, I'll give Verity an opportunity to fight my hound until she displays a grasp of how Defiance works."

"Very well. The two of you have come to an agreement." The Dragon Headmistress came to stand between the two of us, looking us each in turn with what seemed to be approval. "If I can have your vocal consent? This iz not typically how Vestigial Ritez are conducted."

"Okay." I said. "I agree and consent." The room grew colder with the finality of my words.

 

 

"Focus." Tourmaline barked. She stepped out of her gnarled fur robe, letting it fall from her shoulders. Four paws touched the ground and circled Tourmaline's feet. She reached down to stroke the so called hound that resembled a fox as much as it did a canine. Under her focused attention and care, the beast began to grow in size. With that growth came a snarl that Amari pacified with an extended arm. Muted red ichor dripped from the opened wound as the beast sank its teeth into what Amari offered. "What do you see I wonder?" She asked, voice steady and seemingly unbothered by pain or cold. "How will your newly formed ideals stand against ones that have tasted bloodshed?"

Before me stood a construct more complex than any I had seen. Lady Night's Dress had only a single step and layer in its creation. The beast had been shaped from an article of fur clothing. I was confident I could hurt it with physical blows.

Her eyes had alighted upon announcing her focus. I understood that much. A little of my own focus and my soul instantly clothed me in a dress of Night and Stars that no physical attack could harm. I on the other hand remained quite vulnerable beneath the dress and the hound had grown to chest height and easily twice my weight.

Whatever effect feeding it ichor straight from her arm would have was beyond my comprehension.

"How much of that thing is you?" I asked.

"That iz for you to find out." The Headmistress offered. "The better your underztanding, the better you will fare."

Tourmaline flicked her bloodied wrist. The beast's solid red eyes snapped to me as its whole body tensed up. "Allow me to demonstrate. Your dress has not fully mended. I would wager your faith in Lady Night has been shaken or waned. If I had to guess, you let Whisper or Verse down. You got them hurt."

I froze before the beast had even begun to move. The tearing that followed was a foregone conclusion.

"Iz Tourmaline wrong?"

I looked down in horror. The dress's lower half had torn but not severed.

"Verity, prove her wrong!"

Teeth sunk into the fabric as the beast began to pull. It poised itself to finish the job.

"I can't."

"Then reach for zomething elze!"

I did. It was heartless of me, really. But seeing Lady Night's gift to me being torn a second time in so many days pushed me to a dark place.

On some level, I could feel the water and heat inside the bodies of those around me. It took more focus, but I could see how their movements displaced the air around them. I didn't need all that. Water remained the most effortless for me to perceive and exert control over.

My voice froze before the water in the beast's body did. "You have given up on trying to heal. Your sisters flourish here but it is smothering you." Tourmaline flinched. It was only a moment. Instinctively I pulled. Ice hardened and cut its way from the beast's insides.

The beast collapsed. My dress slipped free from its teeth as Tourmaline gasped.

The eldest fox sister's expression settled into an equally cold smile. "Good. Excellent. You committed to your instincts even if you were off the mark." The beast rose, ichor without now without a trace of water spilling freely from its side. "Allow me to amend my statement. It's you who've given up. You suck the heat from the world around you to push others away." The beast lunged for me.

I willed the shard of ice to my hand and thrust into the approaching maw. For a few precious moments, neither fang nor shard pierced their intended targets.

"You've convinced yourself that you're no longer worthy. Of Lady Night or your friends."

"At least I haven't given up being the big sister."

Ice pierced fur.

Teeth sunk through Night and Stars, piercing flesh.

It was not my arm that hurt. My eyes burned.

"THAT IZ QUITE ENOUGH!" The Headmistress roared. "TOURMALINE, RELEAZE HER."

"No!" I screamed. I did not recognize my own voice.

"Why else would you ask us to hide this encounter from them?" I could hear the predatory grin in Tourmaline's voice.

"TOURMALINE."

"You're wrong." I shivered at the thought, but I was willing to commit to this.

Teeth withdrew. The pain receded. I knew I was right. Maybe they even believed me.

"I did not want to hurt them, so I held back. Only when they gathered around Verse did I cut loose."

"Finally! I knew you'd take to Defiance like a natural." Tourmaline began to cross the room in long and confident strides.

When my eyes opened, her beast had made room for Tourmaline to take its place. I struck at her with my free hand, the one encased in claws of ice. "You never healed from confronting something from the Pale Wood." Tourmaline tried and failed to sweep the outstretched claw to the side. "But saving your sisters was enough, wasn't it?"

Tourmaline instead reached for my throat, her strength matching my own. "The lives of my sisters outweigh my own, but what about you?" She met my eyes. "Relax Headmistress, her eyes have not changed. No harm has been done to your precious student."

I relaxed my grip a little, caught off guard by the appraisal and assurance meant for the Headmistress.

Tourmaline seized the advantage, lifting me off my feet and securing her grip around my neck. "It was not with a broken heart or Lady Night's protection that you found the strength to best the Stormfolk that created you." Her other hand reached for my dress, effortlessly tearing it free and leaving me nearly defenseless.

All I had was the ice coating one arm and part of my chest.

We held each other's gaze for a long and uncomfortable moment as I fought to gain control of my breathing.

"Careful there Princess, you're starting to melt."

Everything from my chest to the claws was turning to liquid. She had seen it before I did.

When I attempted to close the clawed fingers around her again, I came up short without the reach added by the ice.

Suddenly I felt out of sync with my body, so much so that I failed to realize Tourmaline had relaxed her grip.

"So that's it then? Surely you have something more to give." Her eyes wandered away from mine. Tourmaline was searching for something. 

She traced a finger along self inflicted scars that ran the length of my chest. "What have we here? Why might your new body, so lovingly crafted, be marred by the scars of the old one?" As if entertaining a whim, she casually sank a nailed finger into one of them.

Everything within me froze.

Tourmaline peeled away the walls to a prison I had weaved around a lifetime of anger and rage over trying and failing to be something I was not.

I blinked my eyes shut and tried so hard to tune out the world and the memories.

Tourmaline frowned. "I think, that's enough broken hearts for one day." When Tourmaline lowered me to the floor, she took a moment to steady me as I tried and failed to stand on my own two feet.

I could not bring myself to suck in a breath. Never mind a Storm's control of air. I could not will breath to fill my lungs to the extent that the most basic of living beings could.

Mere minutes after I figured out what was wrong with me, Tourmaline pried me open and saw for herself.

She drew herself closer, voice falling to a delicate whisper. The words that followed were only mine to hear.

"Shhhhhhhh.  Shhshhshhsh. It's okay."

"Breathe for me. You can do it.

I could.

"Good girl."

I didn't want to listen, but it was saving me.

"I did not mean for things to go this far."

Tourmaline's ears flattened as she cradled my head, wiping solid crystalline tears that streamed from my eyes and sliced at her fingers.

"I want to apologize for prying at scars and exposing the lifetime of pain that you've been hiding."

At the core of my being beat something dark and nameless.

"No one was reaching through to all the anger I saw in you."

An anger I would not have survived without.

"But I felt it and I thought you might need a push."

No amount of words could stem the flow of black ichor spilling from my chest.

"I did not stop and consider how important this was to you or how stripping away your new identity might hurt you in ways I cannot begin to understand."

 Tourmaline moved now to press both her hands against the wound she had opened.

"I can never be forgiven for making this worse."

What had been seen could never be unseen.

"I did not want this. I would rather you crushed my heart and a thousand more if that is what it took. Anything to see this lifelong wound undone and you made whole again."

Before I knew it, my breathing had returned to normal.

I had no idea what kind of time passed as my senses slowly resumed processing the world around me.

The second realization came in the form of a fur garment being wrapped around me. Tourmaline looked at me now with something approximating an attempt at warmth and comfort. There was a careful fragility in her expression and how she moved, as if she and I were both made of glass. She did not try to hide the red in her eyes growing ever so slightly dimmer.

It was my turn to reach out and wipe away Tourmaline's tears. Her fox ears stiffened as my fingers left frozen streaks of ice in their wake across her cheek. Tourmaline hung her head and turned to go.

"You could not have known." I said, my words a cold comfort.

"I am supposed to be able to see everything someone can become." She said, pulling her tail close for some small measure of warmth and comfort. "For however little intent is worth, I did not want you to become a Monster. Not like me."