CHAPTER 7

Yolanda, as a part of her morning routine, began the brush her hair holding her mirror in one hand.

She was humming an old folk song about woodland berries.

«Red ones they are quite delicious,

purple ones make you puke like fissures

Lala lala la larala lala la

Blackberry gives a nasty concussion

blueberry kills you, end of the discussion

larala la la la larala lala la la»

Stuart, as a part of his morning routine, came to whisper into Yolanda`s ear. When He leaned in Yolanda froze Her face became pale.

There was a skeletal figure leaning towards her in the mirror image.

She blurted out a big scream, dropped her mirror and ran out of the house. Stuart was flabbergasted.

«What happened? what`s going on?»

The lich looked at the mirror on the ground. He saw his reflection. his bones were yellow like the skeletons in museums.

«Oh, I can see myself in this!» Stuart extended his hand. «Oh, I can touch it too! What is it made of?». At that degree of technological development, mirrors were made from silver. Stuart later found out he can interact with silver by assaulting other people's silverware.

The door slammed open. This woman had dragged the priest out of his bed. The priest was sleeping while everybody else had already started their workday.

«Priest! Priest! There is a demon in my house! Please help!» She begged.

«It was the ugliest thing I`ve ever seen! Never have I seen such a foul manifestation! An abomination! An unnatural unholy critter!»

She was hurting Stuarts feelings

`` What is it now`` priest taught. `` She probably ate some bad food or something``

«It had a dead skull face! I was sitting right here! It was behind me! I tell you! It was going to bite my neck!»

«Maam, Don`t worry I got this.» The priest pulled out a fancy bottle. I started murmuring some prayers and sprinkling the holy water all across the room.

The droplets went through the lich and had no effect.

Unbeknownst to the worried woman and the priest, Stuart was making showering gestures.

« Maam, evil spirits are now gone.»

She was relieved. She turned her back to get some money for the kind priest. The kind priest stealthily took a whiff of her hair.

The undead creature from the underworld saw an opportunity and took it.

Whispering into the priests ear.« I can sniff her undies if I say evil creatures are attracted to them or something»

The priest smiled:

«The apparitions are attracted to dirty laundry please let me purify them with holy water at the church.»

Yolanda handed him a basket full of dirty woodcutter clothes.

This priest was visibly distressed. Thinking he painted himself in a corner, He took the clothes and went back to church.

Every morning priest would get up late Do the church chores and laze around all day. They would be doing work when there is a wedding and on Thursdays. During Thursdays sermon, he would recite some things he memorized from the holy book and send villagers to their merry ways.

Once two months or so, he would go to the big city and hire a hooker. He would pay extra money to make the hooker pretend to cry during the intercourse.

Whenever someone walks into the church he would hear the bell hanging on the corner of the door ring. He would immediately try to look busy. There were several ``looking busy`` objects strategically placed across the church. The was a man of deep thought when it came to not getting any work done. He was surely one of the Ishtar`s

beloved.

The morning of the day after the priest took the dirty laundry there was a line of village housewives waiting in front of the church. Most of these women had missing teeth. They had that country bumpkin naive perma-grin on their face, looking at the priest in awe and expectation. When the priest saw this he addressed the ladies:

« One moment, please! I will attend to you lickity split!»

He calmly walked across the church, got into the priest quarters and shut the door.

«WHAT THE FUCK! WHAT THE FUCK! That bitch told everybody! Oh my god! WITHIN A FUCKING DAY SHE TOLD EVERYBODY!»

This fat man`s blood sugar spiked

«Oh shit... Oh shit... Am I the laundryman now? what am I going to do?»

Luckily there was a certain flying skeleton in that room to brainstorm with. The flying monstrosity leaned into his ear:

«Why don`t I just sell them the holy water?»

«Oh yeah! That`s right!» The priest told to himself.

He got out there and proudly declared:

«Distinguished ladies of this town!I am but a man. I can`t wash all your clothes every day or I would be lacking the crucial time to do my important church duties! From now on I will sell all of you holy water to wash your clothes with!»

This con work was getting really profitable. Of course, the main church was getting their cut but it was still a considerable amount.

Stuart, not knowing this priest was already a ''grade A'' asshole, was impressed he was able to corrupt a holy man.

Not so far down the road lived shit shoveller Brunn and tard wrangler Oswald.

Shit shoveller would go around town, shoveling accumulated shit in people's toilet holes, put them in a cart and later he would sell that to the farmers. It was a good day's work for him.

In this small town, most people were distant cousins. More often than not marriages between such people resulted in genetic deformities. Some of which included mental retardation. These individuals, due to their constant movement and lack of finesse in their instinct of appropriate force, would become very strong. So handling them was a man`s job. Families would pay Oswald a monthly fee to look after their malformed children.

These two men were having a hard time finding women to be with them due to their social status that stemmed from their jobs. They were the bottom of the totem pole. Everybody joked at their expense.

Sometimes neighborhood`s kids would gather to bother Brunn. Brunn would put a little bit of scat on the tip of his shovel and fling it to little buggers. When kids go tell on him to their parents, the parents would explode in a fit of hearty laughter.

At the moment the intangible undead fixed his eyes on the tard wrangler, the tard wrangler was preparing for a very special moment. He was going to try and find someone special for him. He wasn`t aiming too high. He was aiming to woo chubby short ``the barrel`` Bertha.

Oswald combed his diluting hair, dusted off his fancy wobbly collar accessory. He entrusted tards to his friend and made his way to Bertha's house.

Oh boy, boy was he excited. This man`s face convulsed with this excited smile. Some people, when they see an ugly, creepy, awkward man happy they assume the worst. Oswald instinctively knew this. He made an effort to hide his true feelings at all times. Before heading out he fixed his looks in the mirror. After, he gave himself a little pep talk to calm down.

«You can do this. You can do this. YOU CAN DO THIS.»

Thru the dirt road, hoping happily like a rabbit, tard wrangler made his way to Bertha`s house.

«Bertha, Bertha please I would like to talk to you open the door please.»

«What?» Bertha exclaimed with her high pitched voice.

« Oh, Bertha! I-I`ve been dazzled by your elegance, your b-beauty for quite some time. I implore you please, b-be my woman.» Oswald spouted. There was a hopeful expression on his face.

«What do you mean?» Bertha replied with a dumbfounded face.

« I want you to be by my side, I want you to be my concubine. I want you, Bertha.»

Bertha rolled her eyes, «This is a joke right?»

«No, I...» Before Oswald had a chance to explain himself further Bertha interrupted the man:

«THIS IS A JOKE RIGHT?»

« NO, IT`S NOT A JOKE.» The man yelled. His optimism, hopes, and dreams were being crushed.

«Yeah, no.Ew.» She slammed the door on the guy's face.

Discouraged and humiliated Oswald tried to make his way to his home.

A man named Ernst was coming down from the opposite direction of the dirt road. Ernst was a classic ``That fucking guy``. As soon as the man recognized Oswald he yelled:

« What`s up tard wrangler? What`s with the fancy clothes? Going to a wedding?»

« Have I ever done or say anything to imply we are friends Ernst? what`s with you acting like we are best pals? what`s with the highly informal way you address me.»

Ernst walked uncomfortably close to Oswald. He started playing with Oswald`s earlobe.

«Come on Oswald don`t be like that.»

``This fucking guy`` Oswald thought as he gritted his teeth.

«What? Are you mad? Why are you mad Oswald?» Ernst yelled down at Oswald with his grinning face.

The lich made his way to Oswald`s ear:

«Time to wrangle this tard.»

The good-natured and loving caregiver Oswald was at his limit.

With vigor, he swiped Ernst`s leg and with his right hand on Ernst`s, he slammed the back of the man`s head to the ground.

«Ahakh» Ernst wasn`t expecting such a harsh retaliation. He screamed whilst holding his bleeding head.

People came to see what all that ruckus was about.

«Oh, poor Ernst.» A woman yelled. «What did you do to him?»

«He provoked me into a fight so I granted his wish. Nothing`s wrong with that.»

Some of the men gathered understood what tard wrangler was talking about but most of the women had no idea.

«He would never provoke anyone like that.» A man in the crowd vouched for Ernst. Pretty much everyone agreed with the protesting man. Except those who understood why Oswald did what he did. Which was in minority. A silent minority.

«Whatever.» Oswald left the scene with dead sad eyes. He was a hundred and twenty percent done with this town.

He reached to his bed at last. As he was lying there all he was able to think about was the way Bertha rejected him. Why was him wanting her was funny. Why would it be a joke?

``She was implying that he was so below her that them being together was comedy gold.`` Oswald exhaled from his nose

«What a shitshow. MAN, I`m tired.»

The lich whispered to the man`s ear:

«I should quit my job.»

The day after, he decided he tell his friend Brunn the shit shoveller about his plans to quit. On his way, to the town center, everyone was giving Oswald the stink eye. Brunn looked away from a minute and replied:

«Wait for me. I`m coming too.» The skeleton has been whispering into Brunn too.

Oswald and Brunn made everyone aware of the time they quit their jobs and go away.

A week later they left the town.

Following weeks, streets were stinking to high heaven and out of control tards roamed the streets. Unwrangled, they caused pandemonium. No one wanted to be the shit shoveller and no one wanted to be the tard wrangler. They have seen how Oswald and Bronn were treated.

Without those two the daily life in the town was considerably worse.

Lich`s next victim was the trader.

 

 

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