74 That Crushing Feeling, Part Three
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Tabitha pushed her hands through the shelves of the closet, fingers frantic. It wasn't there. It wasn't in the closet across the hallway, either.

Something fell on the ground as her hands knocked through the miscellaneous medical supplies, but the pain pulsing through her body meant that she couldn't care. Couldn't be bothered to try.

She slammed the door behind her and rushed to the doctor's room, opening the door as quietly as her shaking hands would dare. The doctor was asleep, her face angry even in repose. There were bottles on the floor but they were all empty. Tabitha almost wanted to wake her up and face the consequences.

"Where is the stash? Where is the stash?" she whispered to herself. Her hands scraped over her face and all through her hair.

It was gone. It was all gone.

She moved out, out, out, feet taking her out of the hospital building as fast as she could, just to check if what she suspected was true.

There, on the wall outside the cafeteria – another new rule – 'Alcohol is forbidden'. But nobody was going to be breaking that rule because this place had made sure there was none left anywhere in the camp.

*

Tsuyoshi was inside the cafeteria, so he completely missed seeing her dramatic stumble. But he certainly had not missed seeing the new rule.

"Doc will be unbearable. I don't think she's stopped drinking even once in the six months we've been here," he said.

"Mmm, it does seem that way, from what I can tell," Ibrahim said. "Still, I'm sure she'll manage without it."

Tsuyoshi had his doubts.

"It is a shame you won't be able to celebrate your birthday with a drink, of course," Ibrahim said.

"Because I so deeply want to celebrate having my birthday stuck in this hell hole?" He rolled his eyes and looked away.

Ibrahim touched his hand to Tsuyoshi's wrist. Tsuyoshi didn't understand how Ibrahim's skin could be so warm, when all he wore in that moment was cotton and linen worn so thin it had started to tear.

"Celebrate being alive," Ibrahim said.

"Sure, I'll celebrate that with Angharad," he said, and pulled his arm away from Ibrahim's touch. He hoped Ibrahim would hear the implied, 'and not with you'. "She loves all that celebrate because you're not dead crap."

*

Meanwhile, on the other side of Zapville, Josephine felt pretty comfortable with how things were going. Sure, she was still trapped, but the new rule wasn't going to change her life, and nothing had tried to attack her specifically. And Eleanor's hand in hers was a reassurance that even in dark places some things could be good.

"Gemma said that she thinks some of the bad things that happen here are tailored to who you are as a person," Eleanor said. "Bespoke torture. And Mac agrees. She thinks some of the machines in the industrial field move on their own just to scare you."

If she could just change a few things about the way she felt, Josephine was sure things would be perfect. Like, if she could stop feeling jealous every time Eleanor talked about Mac... or if she... Well, mind over matter.

"If that's about the person who had his arm crushed in a machine, then I suspect that machine was operated by someone else. I have heard he gets into fights," Josephine said.

"Oh, no, not at all. I met Yong Jie and he's a really nice guy," Eleanor said.

"Ah, perhaps, but, hmm, what I mean is that not everyone here is nice. There are people here I would not trust around the machines."

"I don't understand why anyone would need to fight with the machines when everyone here has weapons."

Josephine clenched a fist. "The true test of courage is a competitive fight between two people with no weapons, relying only on training and natural skill."

Eleanor opened the door of the supply shed. Earlier she'd seemed so sure there was basic exercise equipment in there – a skipping rope, resistance bands – and she'd said she felt their morning workout routine was getting stale and they should mix things up. But the door didn't open on supplies.

The door opened on a white screen and a strange fizzing static noise.

And then an image started to appear on the screen, rippling out from the centre, moving from a pixelated blur to something almost more real than real.

Josephine swallowed pointless air.

"What is this?" Eleanor asked.

Josephine recognised the moment as the night of the party that went wrong. Looking at the moment from the outside was strange, unnerving. That was what she'd looked like putting her jacket on the table and moving in to kiss Angharad's mouth.

Eleanor dropped her hand. "Josephine, what—?"

The whole thing had felt so much longer in the moment than it felt watching it. How different things would be if the footage had sound. Instead the only sound was the bang as Eleanor slammed the door shut on the supply shed and hid the images from their view.

"Why would you?" Eleanor asked.

"It's not how it looks!" Josephine said. "It wasn't what you think it was."

"Did you really kiss her?"

"Well, I... It was months ago. You broke up with me before that."

Eleanor's face turned sour. Too late Josephine realised she should have pretended the footage was fake, an illusion cooked up by their mysterious evil overlord.

Eleanor turned away. "All this time you've been lying to me."

Josephine had to jog to keep up with Eleanor's long strides. "I didn't lie. I didn't tell you but it's..." What excuses could she offer? It wasn't that Eleanor was necessarily wrong. Hadn't Josephine lied with every smile she sent her when she was thinking of someone else? At least Angharad knew she was torn in two.

"Was that the only time?" Eleanor asked.

Josephine wasn't sure what to say, but she knew that silence was definitely the wrong answer. Eleanor shrieked and stomped her way toward the cafeteria.

"Please, just let me explain," Josephine said, as she caught up and grabbed Eleanor's elbow.

Eleanor swivelled, face scrunching up like used tin foil, and shoved her away. "I can't believe you."

Josephine skidded back in the gravel at the force of Eleanor's push. Josephine looked up, looked around, at the crowd of people watching them. It wasn't any of their business.

Eleanor walked right up to Mac, grabbed her face, and kissed her. Josephine looked at her feet, head heavy, throat thick like she'd swallowed something nasty a long time ago and it was finally ready to make its way out.

"There, now we're even," Eleanor declared, her voice even louder than the rushing wave of Josephine's self pity.

"I think we should break up," Josephine said.

"No, I refuse. You do not get to do that," Eleanor said.

Since when did Eleanor's voice get so loud? Surely everyone could hear them.

"Were you laughing at me behind my back the whole time?" Eleanor asked.

Josephine clenched a fist. "You weren't even going behind my back to laugh. So, now that you've found your excuse to kiss Mac instead of me, please accept that I'm breaking up with you and finding somewhere else to sleep."

The things Eleanor said in response were not kind, but she said them to Josephine's back as Josephine ran away.

*

Josephine shoved everything she owned back into her bag, all her clothes fitting in with room to spare, and a little more space taken up with her skipping rope and resistance bands. She took it all out of the room with her, not sure where to go but knowing she needed to get there as soon as possible. There were other bedrooms in the dormitory, but would it be good to find another on that same floor? She'd only bump into Eleanor all the time. Worse, she'd bump into Eleanor and Angharad all the time, which sounded like some kind of nightmare. But leaving the floor altogether meant leaving Eleanor alone on the same floor as Angharad which seemed... maybe not the best idea ever.

But as she moved down to the ground floor – quiet and empty, for some reason nobody wanting to take those risks – she justified that Angharad had plenty of friends to shield her from Eleanor's anger. And it wasn't like it was Angharad's fault. Eleanor had to listen to reason, surely.

It didn't have to be a long term decision. It could just be for that night and she could go somewhere else in the morning.

She picked a room, dumped her bag on the bed, and slumped down next to it.

It didn't occur to her until she woke up that the showers were on the floor above, anyway, so she couldn't be sure to avoid Eleanor entirely.

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