Orion read the book's cover. Could it be? Was there a secret to not being hunted? No more unwashed villagers with pitchforks would be nice. He patted the corpse of the vampire that had tried to muscle into his territory. Orion figured that the man had not read the book, for he had not been peaceful in the slightest.

It was a thick book, too. Orion flipped it, and began to read the foreword.

If you are a vampire and reading this, chances are you took the book from the corpse of another vampire. You lot tend to be disappointed in the fact that the book would make you work for your peaceful existence.

But, in the rare, almost nonexistent chance, that you have bought this book, I have one thing to say: You are an idiot and I won't return your money. Because, if you can buy books from a bookstore, for I have laid a curse on this book, so no wart covered hag can sell it to you, then you don't need the book. 

Orion snorted. If he could go into the village, he sure as hell wouldn't have spent his money on this book. But the reality was, that he couldn't go anywhere near the village. Because the villagers carried pitchforks everywhere, and tended to behave like a swarm with a hive mind. He read further.

But you must have taken this book off a corpse. The corpse had not read this book, or, had not put in the work. Or, it would still be sucking blood and wondering if flying wagons will become a thing in a couple of hundreds of years.

Orion scratched the back of his head. He had always wondered if flying wagons would be a thing. Not only that, but he had always wanted to fly.

Pegasus did not let vampires near them, and a ray of their mana could kill even the most ancient of vampires. But, maybe, if someone bred horses or donkeys with Pegasuses, and they grew wings...

Have you stopped daydreaming about your personal flying wagon yet? Because, those are as possible as flying pigs. Heck, less. Because a pig will have sex with anything. Even with things with wings. As long as you put it under an illusion spell, that is.

Orion snorted, imagining a winged pig. Could it pull a flying wagon? How many flying pigs did it take to pull one wagon in the air? The wagon's weight divided by the pig's weight...

Stop thinking about flying wagons! Anyway, you want to be peaceful. But, I will tell you what you are, vampire: a filthy liar! You don't want to be peaceful. You still want to have your own turf, drink blood, rob the people blind and do all the horrible things that you have done for the past <insert age here> years.

What you want is for the unwashed villagers to stop trying to tie you on a pyre. Because, you know that, one day, they will manage it.

Orion gulped. Yes, that was the truth. Was the author a vampire that had reached Zen, or something? What would this enlighten man share with him? Or, was it a woman? It sounded sassy enough for the author to be a woman.

Now, you are probably wondering about my gender. Imagine me snapping my fingers before your eyes. Don't care about the small things for now.

I want to tell you that you can become successful, and the common folk can even consider you peaceful. If only you put in the work. Write a yes under these words, and you will start on your journey!

Orion looked at the bottom. There was nothing under those words. Just one line, and he took out a pen. Oh, what the hell did he have to lose? If this could help him, then he would write anything.

<Yes>

He wrote, and then words began to appear under his agreement.

<Welcome! You are the first to actually agree to put in the work to turn their life around. I congratulate you on your first step. Now, for your first lesson:

Get a blood bank. One that lasts.

It is simple. If you don't have to go and hunt at the village, the pitchforks will be used just for the collection of the fodder. Being peaceful, as far as this System is concerned, is all about what you don't do. Not what you do!>

System? Like those things, the dungeon cores had? If Orion had any friends, he would be running to them to brag about the fact that he now had a system.

"Do you understand spoken commands and queries?" Orion asked the book. The words disappeared, and new ones appeared.

<Why, yes!  The Vampire Dummies System is made with the latest technology by an experienced dungeon master. Before you begin to wonder, master, I was created as a female, I think. Once you become peaceful and successful, my soul will be released from this book. So, please work hard!>

"So, who do you suggest for the blood bank position?" Orion had no idea who could possibly fit the bill. Most would not agree, and he did not want to end up with something like a goblin or a troll. Trolls had foot fungi, everyone knew that.

<Well, master, there is a Naga in the forest, who just entered it. His remaining lifespan is about 200,679 years. He is also 21, so, the perfect age to become someone's lover.

Then, there is this elf on the outskirts that sometimes comes to collect mushrooms in the forest. He has another 100,500 years, and he is rather young for his race. Just 500 years!

The Vampire Dummies System suggest you tie your blood bank to you with romantic attachment. For, if you do not, they can always up and leave.>

"Are they nice to look at?" Orion could see himself with a nice elf lady, but, the snake tail was a bit of a turn-off.

"Why, yes. The Naga's nickname by his admirers is the Brightest Star. And the elf had been called Swan Song, more than once," Orion grinned. Oh, he could do this. He had just one more question.

"System, can you give me a map to their location?" The old text disappeared again, and a new one appeared.

<Flip to the next two pages for the complete map of the forest. The green dot is the Naga. The white dot is the elf.>

Orion did so, and saw that the dots moved around. He then left the corpse of the vampire he had defeated without so much as thinking about finishing looting him, and went to meet the Brightest Star.

doravg

For those who want to see the entire cover, here is a link.