See Yourself Be Yourself
[11] Change
It should have been easy to catalog them for later use. They were thoughts she had made and explored herself. Ideas about Star Trek and places that should have been obvious where the world could follow.
Put it this way. There had to be worlds out there that lacked some resource that was abundant here. Trade, but obviously to the advantage of both trading partners. Not that she considered herself an expert when it came to trade or commerce, but it just made sense.
And that wasn't counting the simple fact that clothes and other things were simply available when you dialed in a certain space to use. Dream it, and it shows up. Literally everything they would ever need. So why does the current economic system still exist? Why can't things change?
Not that she felt like or wanted to be some revolutionary against the status quo, but somebody out there should've seen the possibilities and wanted to exploit them. Maybe that's what this group was going to be about. It could be the company to end all companies.
While this whirlwind of active, forgettable, but amazing thoughts spun through her brain cells, the others stretched out together and continued to watch the streaming series they had on. Misty couldn't bring herself to focus on it. It was too quiet, and everything swirling around her head was too loud.
She needed this way to block out the pain that was still bothering her from the tangled, hot, and itchy weight of her blonde locks down to the meager span of her feminine ankles. No matter how much brute force thought and imagination she piled into distraction, the cursed body was there when she returned to thinking about the wider world. That Tara cat also hung around as her bitter accuser, even though the only thing she'd done to earn its ire was to exist.
She rather liked cats. Only a few critters out there actually bothered her, but she didn't want to focus on them, lest the pinging discomfort of the thought be like a lighthouse drawing them closer. A vague sensitivity in her sinuses, brought on by either the snack or the weather—likely the latter—dampened the depth of her thoughts. She took a few notes but was worried that the others might make more of what she jotted down than she intended.
A bad thought she needed to slay more often. Doing things and being herself was not something she had to police or clamp down on just because it might bother or affect someone else. But, as Valerie alluded to, it's easy to say something, even to yourself, and then feel like you've failed to bring about a change in your thought process. It's not a single change once, she mulled, but rather a reminder to break a habit.
Remember to stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it... until it stops. Things don't start in one day, and they take a lot longer to end. So she put down the first brick of feelings. She told them she was writing down her thoughts about this conversation, and she hoped they wouldn't mind that she was trying to learn from it.
Of course, neither of them minded. But there was an air of uncertainty when Lillis first asked her for more details.
You two are so close, and Valerie has gotten to such a better place that I want to get to too. I want to go to the social event because I was thinking about Star Trek and how, with their technology, they don't have to worry about money or resources; they can just have whatever they want. If the nanoparticle can be used to make a bunch of clothes or do what it did to me, then there should be all kinds of possibilities. I don't know if it would work, but I'd like to know more.
No matter how much thought she poured into each of those ideas, expressing the spoken version felt like cribbing the rough notes of a very early draft and rushing through it as the worst version of a speech. She got it out, though, and it wasn't just stuck between her ears.
Unfortunately, the immediate reaction was muted. A little nod of the head and a glance at each other. She hated that. Not that she expected angels to burst out singing hallelujah, but a more fervent affirmation would have helped. She couldn't ask or beg for something like that.
It was silly, but finding the right tone and tune to trigger it would've garnered so much relief. Instead, she was hit with such heart-pounding anxiety that she had to fight to keep quiet. It made her a little dizzy and on the verge of swooning in the seat. She reined it in with careful, but not overly obvious, breathing.
Something about this moment should have built to a riveting climax. But this was a no-drama group. Not perfect, but not preoccupied with the kind of things Dina shoved on his shoulders. She had to remind herself that it was normal for things not to be crazy all the time. Things were crazy from her perspective, but it was the quiet kind of crazy that didn't scream in her face; it was the simple, subtle, but massive transition of her entire identity from man to woman.
But identity is a choice. She could always and forever regard herself as a macho man, even while possessing such an overwhelming soft presence projecting from her chest. It's a brain thing; it's a human reality choice. It's words and representations.
The better tone of what Dina celebrated. Who you are is uniquely you. She was Brent Lewis Hollins. Dina decided that he should be Misty Amanda Hollins. The name didn't matter to him or her. It wasn't the name he selected or wanted; he just opted to take it because it was a thing he had to do.
But he didn't have to. His name could be anything. Although it might be better to avoid the bad names that Lillis evoked, he had no intention of taking any of them because they sounded stupid. Luna was probably the most normal one, but the intention was probably that it was overused and passed into silliness. Considering Lillis's own name and her quips about the letter L in her family, she could only assume that was the case.
He or she could pull out the phone and ask a random generator on the Internet for a name. Brenna. That would be pretty lazy. Iris. A little weird. Emina. Even weirder. She thought of some sets made up of evil names. Not because she wanted to be anywhere within spitting distance of evil things, but just because the names felt different. Kieran. Dark. That might work with a few letters added or dropped. She also noticed that Lilith was in there and wondered if Lillis was in similar territory. Maverick. Felt clichéd. Too much cultural play.
She was quite aware that female-oriented names were getting the lion's share of her attention. It was unlikely that she would land...he...or she...even on pronouns that felt appropriate, when the girl to her right spent so much time and thought on how to talk about her favorite food and couldn't find the words for something so close to her, when they had so much to unpack before figuring out a much heavier truth.
Simple names were easy, and maybe simple was better. She would just stick with what she had until something better came along.
Misty rubbed her right eye. The skin was sensitive there. She didn't want to scour the rough spots away. Once it had gotten so dry, that flakes fell off. She had packed something for that in everything they had salvaged from the apartment. She'd have to dig it out before her shower, which didn't seem so far away.
The night definitely seemed like it was on the verge of wrapping up the excitement, or at least the memorable bits. Valerie stretched even as she hugged herself, resting her head on her arms. Misty's little proclamation still hadn't garnered the exuberant amount of feedback she'd hoped for, but she forced herself not to take any of it too seriously.
Saying it was for herself alone, and anything that happened outside of her was a bonus, even if it didn't meet her random hopes. She could just say that she hoped for more feedback from them on her statement, but that didn't feel appropriate for the moment and seemed too needy.
There were steps forward, but sometimes they had to be small if she was to have any confidence in them at all. A strange thing to try to rhyme, but maybe it could help her remember the important things. She wasn't very fond of traditional music, as Lillis espoused, but mnemonic devices from melodies had their benefits.
After the current episode they were watching ended, Lillis took the opportunity to prevent the television from auto-playing the next one. Some of the nearby lights went on, which alarmed and worried Astara, in addition to all the other surprises and indignities.
Valerie had to go back to her apartment, although she didn't want to. She obviously enjoyed it here and at least liked being with Lillis, even if Misty wasn't sure how she felt about her, apart from the kind face and easy smiles. Asking that question directly was another thing she just couldn't deal with head-on. Though maybe she could ask Lillis later if she got up enough nerve. She seemed to have a good sense for Valerie, but asking something like that also felt like a bad idea. She would have to ask more questions. She couldn't be afraid of them.
And the mountain peak of questions before she was represented by asking Lillis about her life before all sorts of relationship stuff caused trouble like she experienced. It wasn't rude to ask, she told herself. It was just thinking about commonalities. Lillis got turned into a girl from a handsome man, and Brent was turned into a girl from what she was before. It was a natural question. She would just have to wait for it because she didn't know if Valerie knew this secret of her life or if it was even a secret. At least it seemed to be a personal note that should be shared just between them. Not to presume that they had anything special going on, but there are kinds of friends.
Before she left, Valerie rushed around, helping to tidy up and throw away trash, while fanning sweet feelings in the direction of the perturbed kitty. It didn't really fix the cat's mood, but at least it seemed to draw its attention away from scowling at her.
As soon as she was out the door, after tidying up in the hall and making sure everything was locked, there was a conspicuous silence. She had to take it personally. She did her best to remain personable.
"I'm glad she could stop by. That was fun."
Lillis flashed a bare, quick smile. "I wish she didn't. She needs to improve her home environment instead of running off here to escape. Want to take a shower?"
Misty felt psychologically wobbly but smiled to compensate. "I suppose I have to. It would be good. I liked meeting her."
"Do what you like. Like who you like. I'm not in charge of you. Just make sure to tell me if you want to use the shower. I can make sure the bed is prepared." Lillis's expression looked hard. She hadn't said anything that could be objectionable, had she? So many things were in question, especially this girl's normal personality. She had no way of knowing her quirks and what might bother her. She claimed this or that, but she didn't know how it would be in practice.
She had to ask. "Are you okay... too?" It was the continuation of a question she was sure she had asked, but she couldn't quite remember what the answer had been, or if it was appropriate to connect it with the other. At least her voice didn't tremble or quaver as she spoke. But it was a small victory.
Lillis rubbed her eye and squinted at her. "I'm tired. I'm worn out. I've been on my feet for so long. And had to deal with a lot of crap even before your ex pulled that shit on you. I bet you're even less okay. Valerie can be okay with whatever, which is great. But yeah. So, shower?"
"Yeah. I think I will. If you don't have any objections."
With a crack of her neck, Lillis asked, "Why would I have any objections?"
Misty didn't have an answer for that except to say, "Sorry."
"Oh my gosh, stop... We went over this. You have nothing to apologize to me for. You didn't fuck up at all. I'm not upset at you. I'm not secretly seething over the tiniest slight you might have said or done. I know that shit all too well. If I have a fucking problem with you, I will tell you. It will not be coded in some secret language that you have to use a ring to interpret or some shit like that. I will literally just say Misty or Brent... What the hell? And you will know. Cool?"
A large part of the tension Misty had been metaphorically and literally holding onto slid off her shoulders. "Cool. And about names... I don't know."
"What makes you feel good to hear?" Lillis asked simply.
Despite the simplicity of the question, it wasn't something she felt she could easily answer. Misty Amanda. Not the name she wanted. Brent Lewis. She still liked her name. But it seemed technically wrong. There was also a quagmire of things tangled up in it. She released a breath and reflected on all of it.
[Welcome to the Seventh Book in the Cerberus Saga. Yup. We’re doing this. I never thought I would delve into such a big part of the backstory and this may be a good idea but I like writing about all sorts of characters. I have the ending of the story in mind already. But is it the ending you might expect from what you know now? We’ll see…Provisionally, I am focusing on one chapter a week and we’ll see how things go from there. They might be longer or shorter and more numerous. Always feel free to offer suggestions. Reader response is going to be very important going forward. I’m open to anything. Although the squirrel thing is probably the closest I’ll ever get to furry. I’m gonna have some fun and funny characters this time too. Dunno how long this will go. It might be much shorter due to the different pacing. I hope you enjoy it. I plan to get the earlier books together and released in an official form. Look forward to that hopefully. As always, vast details, especially types of characters, character names, and more are wide open for this narrative. Feel free to add any idea which doesn't show up in the eventual options. Also, if you see any random typos or uncapitalized starts of sentences, please pass them along. I am currently using Quillbot and DeepL to assist with speedy editing, but that’s not 100%. Thank you for reading!]
Poll after this. Since I've change the schedule, polls are more important than ever. Feel free to offer as much feedback as you can to help the story.
