See Yourself Be Yourself

[45] Mothers

"Wake up! Are you alive?!"

God, her mother sounded even worse since Misty had gotten to know how real, normal people talked, rather than just her parents and Dina.

Everyone turned toward her, and even with their sympathetic, pained expressions, Misty still felt a wave of embarrassment.

“I’m here.” She worked to keep her voice flat and as far from the womanly, personable tone that work required.

"God, finally! What on earth is wrong with you? And your connection is awful. You sound like a girl."

At times, when hearing her mother speak with dribbles of authority bleeding through, Brent would find himself caving with sympathy toward her perspective. This was not one of those times.

"I'm fine. What did you want?" A little more of her normal, settled, girlish tone slipped back into her voice.

"I want to know that you're alive! Talk normal. You're out there getting too many strange ideas. And you have no life plan. How do you expect to make money?"

It was exhausting to absorb those words. She’d already taken in so much today.

“I’m working. I’m with my friends, and I just asked someone out on a date.” Those were more of her own words than her mother deserved to hear.

"Where? Somewhere you gotta talk like a girl? What friends? And what do you mean someone? Who?"

The desire to cuss her out—or worse—throbbed at the back of her head. Vivi grimaced the most at the echoing demands of Misty’s mom. Prentiss shook his head quietly, while Valerie and Lillis looked ready for battle. Elisa wore the stern exterior Misty was trying to cobble together.

Misty’s jaw hurt as she gathered her thoughts, working not to tense up too much. "We can discuss all that at a later date. I'm fine. I am alive. I'm working. Please have a good night."

That caught her off guard. She sounded like she wanted to fight further and press harder, but she lightly backpedaled and said, “We will have a long talk, boy. God bless you, good night.” The last bit felt insincere.

Misty let herself breathe. She knew that soon her mother would deluge her with a dozen rambling sentences packed into her texts. Yet her short, relatively focused responses would be met with “I can’t follow what you’re saying!” sprayed across the page.

“Fuck that bitch,” Elisa said first, tossing a warm look of support Misty’s way.

Even with the evening cold, Misty felt a warm shiver at that sentiment and clung to a private, energizing smile. “Yeah. That’s mom.”

“What the hell? What kind of person ever talks to their child that way? Even on their worst day. It sounded more like they wanted to harm you than care about you.” Vivi restrained her shaking fury, as though the air in her throat couldn’t carry enough disgust.

"That was, sadly, normal."

Valerie chimed in, "Even my aunt has some redeeming qualities. I'm glad you don't live with that person."

She wanted to hug Valerie so tight, but she could wait until the car. She just smiled morbidly and nodded.

“You handled that perfectly. In control. You set appropriate limits and didn’t try to fight her on her level,” Lillis said with a warm, easy expression. Prentiss seconded the sentiment and offered quick words of comfort.

“Yeah. I did. Thank you, everyone. But also, sorry you had to hear that.”

Elisa shook her head and said, “Don’t worry about it, girl. Better than suffering that cunt silently. I was so tempted to verbally throw hands.”

Valerie slipped over and seized the hug first. Misty’s jaw still throbbed, but it didn’t hurt as much when she smiled.

Vivi wanted to make sure Misty was all right, but the others reminded her that Vivi had just been robbed minutes ago.

The group migrated over to their vehicles for a little warmth. Prentiss’s was a plug-in gray SUV, with enough space to nearly fit the entire group. He walked Vivi through the process. She clung to the little police-report brochure the officers gave her, even though it was unnecessary for her wireless provider. Prentiss volunteered his phone, and despite Vivi stumbling through some of it, everything was finished fast.

Flopping her head against the window, Vivi said, “The insurance guy sounded like a used-car salesman, but I got a confirmation code and an email. I just need to be home to pick it up tomorrow. Thanks, everyone, for helping me out.” After that, Vivi smothered a series of sneezes. Prentiss had plenty of tissues, and it looked like her nerves were finally settling. Color returned to her cheeks, edging rosy, and she managed a warm smile.

Elisa mentioned a body strap you could attach to a phone to hang onto it. Vivi’s first instinct was to raise her eyebrows—until she resolved it wasn’t a sexual reference.

Searching options on the borrowed phone, she found them a bit excessive and plucked out her keys from her bag. Snoopy, with a little orange plastic strap, dangled from her massive, teacher-level assortment of keys on a locking carabiner.

"A little fabric version of a grip like this would help. Just holding this phone right now gets my heart racing, because it feels like anyone could just grab it." She took a few breaths, even though anyone trying to grab her temporary device would have to punch through the window first.

Vivi was about to pass the phone back to Prentiss, but he waved her off. He assured her he had a spare; she could keep the one he’d loaned and use it to stay in touch until her replacement arrived. Her small voice turned into a waterfall of tumbling thank-yous, and Prentiss just laughed and told her it was fine.

Elisa already had sticker sketches ready for the new case, along with photos of spare cases from her collection.

Lillis tapped Misty on the shoulder and asked if she was ready to head out. Valerie had made her way to the back of the SUV on impromptu guard dog duty.

It didn’t take long for Vivi to realize they were leaving, and she urgently needed to trade hugs, including with Lillis, who calmly tolerated the embrace. She promised to text when she got back to her neck of the woods, then blinked at the fact that her phone was gone—before remembering the loaner. Misty gave her the biggest hug, then a smile and a wave.

Valerie seized Misty's hand as soon as they were on their way to the truck and whispered, "Do you wanna come over and play some more games later?"

Misty raised an eyebrow and turned her phone to show Valerie the time. Valerie’s eyes widened at the number, and she said only, “Oh… right. And you have work tomorrow.”

"We can text till I fall asleep. And we still have the ride back," Misty reassured her. "You're not sleepy yet?"

"I am a little wired. I sprinted a mile. Or at least a good half mile. Or so." She still had a sheen, even though most of the sweat had been taken by the SoCal evening air.

Misty let Valerie get in first after Lillis unlocked the door. They scooted over and bumped legs. Valerie giggled and rested her head against Misty’s, eyes fluttering shut. Misty wrapped her hand around Valerie’s. Such a nice place to be.

“Hey, lovers, get your belts on so there’s no tragic romance,” Lillis called from the front. The truck was already running, and Misty hadn’t noticed. They had to separate slightly to secure themselves, but soon they were back in the same position without too much trouble.

Since the subject of parents was still fresh, Misty volunteered that her parents had retired to Big Bear Lake. Valerie noted that her dad had back hair like a big bear.

"That's one of the reasons I'm cautious about going hard in a boyish direction. No one needs another Weber covered in fur."

Not needing any more prompting than that, Misty gave a quick peck on Valerie’s soft cheek. Valerie quickly kissed her back.

Despite the energy and Valerie saying she was wired, it was only a few turns and a stretch on the freeway before she was gently snoring. Misty loved that her friend was so comfortable with her. Valerie’s exertion left a faint, not unpleasant scent. Misty felt her own eyes beginning to drift as well.

To keep herself up, she skimmed the group chat, but nothing new had been posted. She left a few notes of thanks to the others for a lovely evening, and they each sent emojis in response.

"Thank you..." Lillis said simply from the front.

Misty lifted her head and turned slightly to see what she could of Lillis in the front seat.

“Hmm?” She didn’t want to say more than that, for fear of rousing Valerie, although they tended to sleep well back here.

"Thank you. For making Valerie smile. That's all. Music?"

Letting her eyelids dip with relaxation, Misty smiled to herself and softly asked, “Elisa’s stuff?”

"Nope, just the good stuff." Softly sung Japanese tunes mingled with flowing instrumentals.

Misty checked on Valerie, who still slept comfortably. The boy part of her wanted to wrap her arms around her friend and keep her safe and happy. The girl part of her enjoyed the secure comfort Valerie shared, even asleep. This moment, beyond labels, just felt right.

Eventually, Vivi lit up the group chat with her favorite sticker choices and the announcement that she’d arrived home safely. Their arrival followed soon after. Valerie woke up right before they pulled into the parking lot and groaned at her dried sweat smell. She started to apologize, but Misty kissed her cheek.

In the apartment, Lillis put a YouTube playlist on the TV for a light distraction while Valerie suggested a sleepover. Lillis yawned into her hand and announced, “All I know is I have work tomorrow with many responsibilities. So does Misty. So you two figure that out without making enough noise to wake me up with my earbuds in.” She let Valerie shower first to purge the criminal-pursuit grime from her body and thoughts.

Misty assisted Lillis with some cleanup in the kitchen, while a groggy Astara didn’t even bother to glare or hiss at her.

“The Methodist Church dinner is this Thursday, if you’re still willing to be part of it. We’re usually too busy to eat, and there aren’t many leftovers. It should go weekly next month. Goulash, with carrot cake for dessert.”

Raising her head, Misty shook off her tiredness and chimed in, “Yes, of course. I’d love to. Although I’ve never made goulash.”

Lillis smiled. “I’ll be on cooking duty with Tabby, Ruth, and Barbara. We’ll be fine. You’ll do serving and cleanup. Hopefully we can get Val to join in. Two hours, four to six, right after work. You’ll be tired, but it’s worth it.”

Misty nodded and fit that into her mental schedule. Sleep was probably a good idea soon. But she also had a lingering thought.

“I thought you were an… atheist?” She wasn’t sure she wanted to say the word aloud, worried she might’ve misread things.

“Oh yes. Very much. I am a godless heathen. The pastor at this church really thinks she can convince me of the divine someday. Loves debating. I love her energy. She welcomes everyone. She has a theory about the Emmett particle that you need to hear—from her. All you’d get from me is eye-rolling while I describe it. So now you have to go, because I’m not gonna tell you what it is.”

Misty chuckled and affirmed she would go on Thursday. She’d never had goulash, even though she had family from Eastern Europe. Her ex hated everything from that part of the world. She rinsed her hands after finishing the plates.

Lillis picked up Astara, who’d finished her meal, and gently rubbed the cat’s back. The cat went floppy in her hands and didn’t look interested in making an effort to escape. She scritched her head, and the cat slow-blinked with a little yawn.

"What a cutie..."

Misty didn’t quite feel the same way, but she appreciated that Astara didn’t wish death on her tonight. She wasn’t ready to risk a pet, but Lillis passed the cat to her.

All sorts of expressions crossed Misty’s face as she held what she thought was her feline nemesis. Words failed. The kitty wrapped her paws around Misty’s arm. She was so friggin warm, which wasn’t a problem on a night like this. The problem was the claws she could feel at the ready.

Lillis walked away to deal with the pantry and left her with the cat, and Misty wasn’t sure what she was supposed to do now. She’d encountered cats before and seen plenty of videos of people holding them. But this was Astara, the bitter queen of the apartment.

...And she was actually purring? Or Misty was trembling so much it only felt like a purr. Maybe it was a growl instead. Though she wasn’t attacking.

Looking over, Misty noticed the grin on Lillis’s face and the quiet amusement in her eyes. In response, Misty managed a cough fading into a whimper.

“You two are so cute together,” Lillis said.

Urgently, Misty flared her golden eyebrows at Lillis. The cat remained flopped in her arms, quite content. Eventually, Lillis finished tidying, washed her hands, dried them, and then turned to face Misty. She rubbed Astara on the head, and the kitty definitely purred.

Lillis noted, "You do realize you don't have to stand there with her... right? The couch is right over there." She calmly gestured to the front room just a few feet away.

Misty had a few explanations and excuses swimming around in her head, but she swallowed them and ambled over to the couch. She eased down, not as carefully as if a cat bomb might go off in her hands, but definitely with care.

It was easier to sit there with the cat as Astara sprawled across the space rather than claiming Misty’s arms. She was still trapped.

Standing nearby, Lillis casually leaned against the wall. Looking between her friend and the cat, Misty searched her thoughts and asked, "Is this because of the 'mom' thing?"

Lillis kept her little smile and said, “I should get a picture. At least for Lucy.”

Astara started to sneak her way off the couch, so Misty actually tried to restrain the cat without upsetting her for the sake of the photo. Lillis wasn’t in any rush as she carefully lined up her phone.

"Could you stand up? Please?"

Misty really didn’t want to, and Astara was starting to get perturbed by the arrangement. But she managed to lift the cat and hold her for a quick shot before Astara bounded out of her hands and into the back, where she usually liked to stay. Fortunately, Misty didn’t lose any flesh in the process. She flopped back onto the seat and regarded the patches of gray fur left on her top.

A happily washed, hair-damp Valerie soon returned, wearing loaner clothes that looked baggy on her, with a dark blue towel standing in for her regular hoodie. She had missed the whole cat adventure. The ensemble included a gray sweater that resembled a robe, a simple white T-shirt underneath, and fuzzy pajama pants in soft flannel grayish-blue and white plaid. On her feet she wore one sharp green sock and one tan.

Lillis scrunched her brow and rolled her eyes as she looked down at Valerie’s feet. She seemed ready to comment on the mismatched colors, but she ultimately just gave a little shake of her head and said she was gonna take a shower next, unless Misty wanted to go first.

There was cat hair, but it wasn’t something Misty found urgent, especially with lint rollers in the bathroom closet by the door. She let Lillis go ahead. Valerie towel-dried her hair and took a few steps toward Misty.

When it was just the two of them, Valerie scuffed her socks on the floor.

“Hey…” Valerie said, a little sharper and louder than she seemed to intend, judging by the way the word faded as she spoke and how she shifted her grip on the towel.

"Hey..." Misty answered after a sigh.

“I don’t know how to do a relationship,” Valerie said, her words dangling, not so much blurted out as scraping along the floor.

“Me neither. As you know, my last one was … pure suffering for too long.” Misty gave a little cough, and Valerie quickly scanned around for water. Before long, they each had bottles to sip from.

Drawing in a little sniff, Valerie finally put out the question, “How did Dina and Brent meet?”

“Community college gender studies class,” Misty answered with her arms folded behind her. “I actually liked the class. There was a lot of reading and reflection. But the professor had preconceptions and expectations for the final paper, and if you didn’t follow them, automatic C. Basically, echo their doctoral thesis as much as you can. Funny thing is, Dina and I first talked while venting about the professor.”

Valerie nodded without comment. A small smile rippled across her face, but not too strongly. Misty rubbed at her eye.

"The problem is there were so many nice, pleasant, and tolerable moments being with her. If it was all crap, then I'd like to believe I wouldn't have stayed so long. Enough good to give you hope."

Gently, Valerie continued to dry her hair while listening.

“Before Dina, there was a movie group, and I hung out with this girl, Laura. Mom recommended her because Laura’s mother was a teacher, divorced, formerly Mormon. In five months, we didn’t even get as far as you and me have. So I don’t know if that counts. Before her, there was this really unique girl named Roxanne. Swimmer, weightlifter, and writer. Nothing serious before that. You?”

With a chuckle and a sigh, Valerie remarked, "You."

Misty frowned. "What do you mean?"

“As I said, I really don’t know how to do a relationship. I had a boyfriend, Nick. But it was more like having a specimen of curiosity than a partner. That probably sounds so fucking weird.”

Settling back, Misty focused on Valerie and listened to her words, even as they fell uneven, like trying to scatter seeds as far away as possible.

“I didn’t want to be the girl in the relationship. At the same time, I was fine with putting on that mask. I had teachers who would divide up groups by girls and boys, and I always felt incensed to be lumped that way. But I didn’t want to complain. A little too late for a paper for your class.”

Moving with care, Misty put her arm around Valerie, who dropped the towel over her head like a makeshift hood.

Insulating herself with breaths and the rough material of the towel, Valerie added, “How can I deal with someone else when I don’t even wanna deal with myself? I’ve tried to be honest at being part of a couple. But when I say I don’t feel like a regular girl, there’s always this confusion that hurts more than rejection. I can hide myself, but it hurts, and the more I hide, the less I know what I feel…” Valerie squeezed her hands into the smallest possible bit of lap.

"It's funny, when I was really young, early grade school, I terrorized boys. Made a few of them cry. Wrestling. Broke a few arms. Basically war with sticks. Freddy had to wear an eyepatch for several weeks. No one liked me, and eventually I agreed with them. I used to find the hottest water possible and run my fingers under it until they were numb and the skin started to peel. For some reason, that helped."

Automatically, Misty scanned Valerie's hands. The knuckles seemed a little dry, but they weren't too bad. Cautiously, she reached over and laid her hands over them. Valerie relaxed.

“I’m not doing that anymore. And I still don’t know what I’m supposed to do in a relationship. I’m not a very good girl. And no one wanted to tell me how to be a boy. I don’t know if I wanna be either. I just wanna be happy, whatever that means.”

Misty moved to hold Valerie close, but Valerie made the first move, snugly wrapping her arms around Misty’s midsection. It was more than she was expecting, but not a problem. Valerie lowered her gaze and restrained herself from simply apologizing.

They stayed there without words until Misty took a few careful breaths and offered, “A relationship doesn’t have to be anything more than whatever you’re comfortable with. In my limited experience, it’s a lot of boring stuff, really. Get up, make sure the chores are taken care of, set a plan, get to work, deal with paperwork, talk. Normal stuff. You just decide on a commitment with one person in particular, sharing all that. Dina always thought the one person part was flexible, though.”

Valerie sat up swiftly, releasing Misty from her grip. “Poly? Molecule something?”

"Something like that," Misty answered.

“Not for me. Not that I hate any of that or groups or whatever. But I have a threshold. Splitting myself into all the pieces that would require of me just sounds horrible. I’m already doing my breadcrumb thing enough normally. It would be exhausting and depleting. But someone to lean on who is cool with me not quite knowing who I am, but loving pizza and wanting to be happy… that sounds nice. Even if it’s just doing a lot of paperwork together.”

Letting Valerie wrap her arms around her again, Misty asked, “Would you like to do some paperwork together? I mean, Prentiss will probably have some for the company, and since you are the president of the company, I will gladly help my president.”

Chuckling, Valerie hummed a rough version of Hail to the Chief and brushed her still-crinkly hair back.

"Are you planning to join the charity dinner Lillis is helping out with? She invited me."

Pulling her lips back, Valerie rocked her head. “I dunno. I helped out once and it was a lot. Not the work. Everyone else was such a great cook. But I don’t usually interact with that many people. There were hundreds. Pretty much everyone was nice, but again, it was a lot.”

Misty shrugged. “They’re just there for a meal. I think it’ll be nice. At least from the sound of it. And I’ll be there to support you. It can even be an experience for you to make something creative about.”

Valerie tugged on her oversized loaner clothes, adjusting the simple shirt and pulling up the pants. “… Okay. All right. I don’t mean to make such a big thing about it. I’m just not that social, even in the nicest group. It’s so hard. It’s scary. I’ve been gathering up the nerve to text the group online. You might’ve noticed I mostly just tag emojis. As president, I’m gonna have to be more involved, and I want to be. I want to be out there more. I’m trying. A lot. But it does kind of give me ideas. I should go back to Mecchen House and fix a lot of stuff. Especially the ending… Do you mind spoilers?”

Misty turned her head slightly and raised her eyebrows. "I'd like to read it. It sounds really nice. Tara. I remember Tara. She sounds really cute."

“Tara is an irrepressible weapon against sadness that none can escape. If you have a frown, she will vanquish it with unstoppable energy and all the love you can cram into a human being. I wish I could be more like that. She’s like the platonic ideal of an anime girl. And a goddess in Buddhism, if I remember correctly. You can stop me; I tend to just ramble about my tales."

Leaning forward with her hand to her chin, Misty smiled and reassured her, “I’m happy to hear you, no matter what you wanna talk about.”

A blush returned to Valerie’s face as she took a couple of breaths. “Well, anyway, the spoilers. How to put it… Okay, there is an antagonist in the story who’s kind of carried on the wind. Hitomi. And there’s a character who’s rather emotionless with light hair. Nana. She’s connected, but the big thing at the end is there’s a scared character who’s actually the one doing everything. She’s responsible. And at the end, despite everyone’s best efforts, even Tara’s, Hitomi is destroyed. But the last thing she says is that the main character actually has a daughter who she forgot about, a lost daughter. And I never planned to have Hitomi dead and gone forever. And the daughter thing was supposed to be a bigger part of it. I don’t know. There are a bunch of characters I shouldn’t have killed off. I blame my Muse.”

Misty felt very lost. Valerie rushed through her entire spiel as though she was embarrassed to bring up her characters. But Misty was able to grasp enough that it mostly made sense.

"You can rewrite it, right? Maybe we can even do that together."

Valerie slipped her hands deep into the long sleeves of the borrowed sweater she wore. Fussing quietly, she scuffed them against the cloth and struggled to hide them deeper. Misty noticed her anxiety and felt a rising call to withdraw. At the same time, her heart leapt to visualize the same tearing of self Valerie described in her breadcrumb analogy and to scatter as many helpful little pieces of whatever Misty could provide.

"Was that too much? Too far? It's your story. You wrote it. I don't want to take it from you. I just wanna help." The sound of tears flooded Misty's voice without the immediate presence of them.

“No no no! It’s fine. A lot. As I said. This day. I ran down an alley. I couldn’t help. Same as I couldn’t help much anywhere else. Just listen. Just play a game. I wanna help. Then I feel so small. Crap…” Valerie had the tears while she held her voice steady. Together, the two of them cried.

Moments later, from the stairs, Lillis groaned and called out, "Christ, what now? I was gone for just ten minutes."

They both fumbled through apologies for the tears as Lillis rubbed her forehead and went over to grab something from the fridge. When she returned, she had chocolate chip cookies on little plates for each of them.

“I’m not making food at this hour. Have this now or later. Whatever. But remember, it’s going to be okay. People love you. You’re not alone. It’s not the end of the world, whatever it is. Stop overthinking. Whether it’s people or a frigging story.”

Valerie sniffled, and Misty grabbed some tissues for her. Softly, Valerie asked, “… Could I have some milk too?”

Without comment, Lillis slipped over to the kitchen and soon returned with two half glasses of milk, setting one down in front of each of them. Valerie nodded. Misty thanked her for the glass and sipped quietly to clear her throat. Before long, Lillis had a cup of tea paired with a serotonin pill.

After a few more sips and a quick bite of cookie, Misty ventured a question. “How did you know?” Valerie sank her mouth into her glass and drowned all words.

First draining her tea, Lillis brushed her hair back, free of a ponytail after her shower but crinkled by dampness into the same basic shape, and answered, sticking two fingers out at each of them in a V of prongs, “I know you both. Don’t go making your own tears and sadness. The world heaps enough. I’m going to bed. Only one of you is welcome to join me in my bed. Figure out the rest. Good night.”