See Yourself Be Yourself

[59] Unconditional Guilt

“I don’t think there’s anyone real online anymore. Just bots, scripts, and copy-pastes. Ow…” Valerie dropped her phone into her lap and thunked the back of her head against the wall after failing to find the funny, cute thing she’d wanted to show Misty.

Misty gave her the lightest tap on the shoulder. “You’re real.”

Valerie drew her mouth shut like she was wringing out an old towel. “Not on there, not really. I spent decades making masks for my fears. I got told constantly not to give up my real name or anything else about me. So I built up the layers. No, not some girl. I’m him. I’m this. I’m that. Spent a couple years as a dragon with enough claw dexterity to type. Roleplay for most. Therapy for me.”

She lifted her phone, grunted, and cleared her throat like she was about to unveil some razor-edged epiphany. Instead, she sighed and slumped against Misty. “I’m still hungry. But I don’t want another overpriced, dry old cookie. Can I just chew on you?”

Misty, grinning in one smooth little flourish, offered up her shoulder for nourishment. Valerie mimed tiny Pac-Man bites against it before declaring, “All full.” The silliness bought them a little bookstore-level laughter, but Valerie’s soon thinned into soft whimpers. Misty folded both arms around her.

"I'm just some stupid, broken girl who thinks she's different from everyone else. Main character syndrome. Or something else narcissistic like that."

Misty rocked them side to side, even with the wooden wall digging into her back. “I wish I knew the perfect words to always make you smile when you’re feeling down. I remember what Dina used to say about psychology. I didn’t take her classes, but I listened. A narcissistic Valerie wouldn’t worry about how everyone saw them. He, she, or they would be annoyed that everyone wasn’t reflecting them harder, with a bigger name on a cake.”

Valerie glanced over and chuckled. “If I wanted to, I could complain that you gave all those pronouns to a narcissistic version of me.”

“Every version of you deserves love, no matter what.” Misty leaned close and made sure the words landed clear and bright in Valerie’s ear.

The smallest whimper slipped out of Valerie as she sipped a little water to replace what her tears had taken with them. She cleared her throat and whispered, “Love is a grab bag of every last pronoun I can sift through and hug tight.” Eyes shut, she hummed softly. “Delicious. And wow, Dina is such a piece of shit. Who the hell would want to harm and discard such a beautiful soul like you? Fuck that.”

Misty wobbled like their burdened table, but Valerie’s compliment didn’t knock her loose.

“Thank you. I don’t know. I never… no. Nah. There’s no point trying to rationalize her reasons. She drew the rules however she wanted, whenever it suited her. Any reason she gave would only be there to make her look faultless. May she live in a world where everyone around her is just like her. Even then, I doubt she’d learn anything.” Misty’s voice slipped out of its usual flow and settled into a low, even keel that came dangerously close to menace. She coughed, like she could clear it away.

The others arrived not long after, with Prentiss leading the pack and Elisa rushing over to greet him. Raleigh drifted in mid-call while Max explored the little front antechamber, eyeing the discounted hobby kits.

Misty narrowed her eyes at Raleigh’s phone-focused bow, sat a little straighter on the hard bench, then settled back beside Valerie, who was already checking her phone.

“Dawn posted about the games she has at her place. Elisa put up a poll already.” Valerie turned her phone so Misty could see.

Misty nodded and pulled up the group chat on her own phone. A quick skim told her the favorites: party games she knew by name and reputation, but never actually played.

Valerie pulled her shoulders in and scooted as close to the wall as she could. “I don’t dislike any game, so long as the company is good. But the ones in the lead always stress me out. Which is weird, because I get excited to play them with friends, and then I never come up with anything funny to write or assemble. Sometimes I wanna be cynical when it doesn’t call for it. Or I’m too serious. I don’t read the room right. I know it’s just for fun, but I always end up frustrated.”

Misty needed a quick explainer. The gist was simple enough: make something funny, or toss out an in-joke that delighted the other players. Valerie made Misty swear she wouldn’t vote for her out of pity, only if she’d actually earned it.

“We don’t have to play whatever everyone else wants to play. Maybe someone has one of those two-player games, like the ones we played at the café in Pasadena. Or something close enough. We could just play together.” Misty scooted lower on the hard bench so she could be closer to Valerie’s face.

Valerie let her right leg rest with a wince and rubbed her bare knee. She assured Misty it was only a little numb, totally fine, before explaining, “I need to be part of the group, especially if I can’t wiggle out of being president. That means playing what everyone else wants to play so I can get to know them and be friends with them. Like May. I want to get to know her better, even though I’m not super interested in the kind of stuff she likes to read. Our interests in music and stories should be complementary, even if she seems like a bit of a rules lawyer with games.”

Dipping back against the wall, even though it didn’t offer much support, Valerie held out her hand and went on. “I connect well with guys, and Max seems like the kind of guy who’d keep a conversation going just because you’re there. In fact, trying to end a conversation with him seems like it’d be harder than starting one, because he’ll drop whatever’s on his mind on top of you like it’s normal. I find that cool. I find that easy, because I just need to ride the waves. Not that I dislike talking to you, but I want to bring my best. If I can’t reach that, then I’m scared to say…”

Misty laid her head against Valerie’s as that last sentence spiraled away. “Val. We can always just talk. You don’t have to be an always-happy, energetic entertainer to matter to me. You don’t have to exhaust yourself. Just relax. I love you. Just be yourself.”

Gently, Valerie pushed against Misty’s head, not hard enough to hurt, but with more force than simple support. “Myself, without the masks, without the shaping, can be unpleasant. I don’t wanna be a black hole of suffering you have to fight just to stay on your feet. I want my pain far away from you. I don’t want anyone I care about to suffer because of me. That’s why it’s better for me to be the wall of protection, or put on a pleasant face.”

How do you fight words like that when your own mind is screaming in agreement? All Misty could do was hold Valerie close, offering the only reassurance she could: those words weren’t pushing her away.

“I love you. I love all of you. I love the things you’re afraid to show and the things that hurt. I love you on your quietest day and your most vocal one. I love you when you’re crying and when you’re laughing. I love you no matter how either of us feels, no matter what rises from the deep or shallow places of our thoughts, feelings, and fears. I would say unconditionally, but that word feels worn thin from overuse. I love you just because you exist, and I want to exist with you.”

Misty moved through those words like a heady storm had passed through her instead of coming from her. It didn’t feel like she was saying them so much as willing them out of her mouth and into the world. Once they left her, that spell, that manifestation, seemed to hover apart from her, an invocation to a greater power than she could claim as her own.

“I’m afraid I don’t feel the same way strongly enough. Love? What even is love? It’s so easy to say, but what does it mean? I love you. Even though I’m afraid we’re both just twitterpated in the moment, and the days that come and pass will slowly blunt the colors of that feeling. Sorry, not trying to sound obtuse and lyrical. Kind of surrounded by inspirations.”

Misty leaned into the wall and anchored her feet so she wouldn’t slide, facing Valerie sideways like they were stuffed into a hard, strange standing bed from a sci-fi show. “Unconditional means you don’t have to do anything. You don’t have to match it or put in any love. It’s not a debt. It’s not a favor. I just love you.”

With her eyes shut, Valerie began in a whisper that barely carried breath. “I know. I know. I know. I just feel guilty. Call it unconditional guilt. I wish I knew how to stop carrying it, even over the smallest things. My heart feels like it’s holding a debt I inherited before I was born. I don’t want it, but I don’t know what to do with it.”

More words Misty didn’t know how to answer or solve. But she didn’t have to. She didn’t need to be the perfect protector with a cure for every pain. “Your aunt?”

“I guess. I dunno. I never said no to being left at her place. I never told anyone how she treated me. I did my best to be useful to her so she didn’t get angry. But there was always something that bothered her, even if it wasn’t my mouth noises. I lived, and I never have to be around her again.”

“What would you say to her?” Misty surprised herself with the question. She clarified that Valerie’s Aunt Janice didn’t need to hear those words, and Valerie didn’t need to hear her aunt’s reply. Just words for Valerie.

Curling a breath into her cupped hands, Valerie did everything she could imagine short of actually answering the question. She rubbed at her right side, then higher at her shoulder and forehead, blaming herself far more than she blamed Vivi’s stumble. Misty waited her out until Valerie had no choice but to consider her answer.

“Why? Why do you hate me so much? What was I supposed to do? I was quiet. I was good. I was a kid! I was just a fucking kid! I… why? What do you want from me? I did everything. Every fucking thing. I’m sorry if I wasn’t who or what you wanted. I am Val. And I’m not the girl you wanted. But here I am. I can’t change who I am or how I was born. My truth. My truth is, I don’t know who I am, and you never listened to who I wanted to be. You tried to shut me up, and fuck you for that. I hope you fucking rot. I want to… I will love myself without your permission, and I’ll love the people I love without your rules. Love is scary, but I promise with all my heart to share it with my real loved ones. Go to hell, you bitch…”

Valerie’s hair dipped over her face, but she didn’t puff it off or brush it away until she was done. Her head listed forward, her face flushed with more color than Misty had seen in a while.

“Better?” Misty asked, gently rubbing Valerie’s troubled shoulder.

After a soft grunt, Valerie pulled her mouth tight across her face, neither pained nor pleased. “Not really. But I am glad I said it. I just hope I didn’t scare anyone nearby.”

The closest person who might’ve been caught in the wake of Valerie’s release was a woman in gray flannel sitting with her coffee, typing on an Apple laptop several booths away. Misty had noticed her, but the woman hadn’t looked up once or even hinted that she might.

Blowing her nose on a rough tan napkin, Valerie took a breath and turned the question back. “What about you and your mom? What would you say to that bitch?”

Misty expected to feel struck and shocked that Valerie would refer to her mother, the woman who raised her, that way. But her first instinct was to laugh, brightness bubbling up through her chest.

“My name is Misty Amanda Hollins. It doesn’t matter why that is my name. This is who I am. There’s no changing it, and I don’t want to change it. I’m happy with who I am. It may not have been by choice, and it was a painful journey. I know my mother wouldn’t bother to understand that. I am in love with the most amazing, beautiful person. And I don’t know what else to say. I can barely imagine saying all that. My mind never goes further, because I expect screaming, scolding, and fuming accusations long before then, along with trapping questions that have no right answer but the one she wants.”

Valerie smoothed out the hem of Misty’s top as she asked, “When did you see her last?”

“Christmas last year. It was a long holiday, with Thanksgiving bleeding into the end of the year. Dina left the state but still angrily texted me every few hours about things I don’t remember anymore. Not as though it mattered. Mom actually left me alone for most of it. Except on the actual holiday. There always had to be drama she started on the actual day. Screaming, angry accusations. Dad didn’t buy her anything. I didn’t do something she thought I should. And I just had to care that she was upset…”

Squeezing her arms as far around Misty as possible, Valerie smiled without fanfare or announcement. “That’s you. That’s just who you are. And I love you. So much.”

Neither could claim any certainty about whether they should say anything else, or whether what they’d said was headed anywhere at all. If more was waiting, it wasn’t ready yet. Sharing books killed a nice amount of time until the others were ready to go.

Raleigh had a heavy-duty bag full of board games. Valerie inspected them and noted one they had played at the café. Best with two players. Their comfort spot if they needed it. Lillis laid a hand on Raleigh’s shoulder.

"You don't have to do this. After the cake. After the cheese. After everything."

Misty soon learned Raleigh’s call had been about making sure the cake arrived at the right place at the right time. He waved past Lillis’s reassurance and said, “I may not have to. But it’s something I want to do. It’s something I can do. It’s worth it to me. Not to impress anyone. Just to help in this small way. To make these days as nice as they can be.” He dipped his head with solemn emphasis, and Lillis sighed but didn’t persist.

Valerie slipped past the hobby kits first and into the sharp evening air. Spring was supposed to linger, but a tussle of dry oppression and crushing cold had fallen into something like balance. Not peace. Just two pressures pushing equally hard against one another. The season so often felt like a war with no winner or loser, only patches of cold and heat, with wind and stillness battling for supremacy. How long could any season fight before it was conquered?

“Oh!” Valerie dropped to her knees before a little black-and-white bundle of fluff. A kitten stood there staring and sniffing at the pavement and bricks, its dusty nose barely lifting from the ground. It slowly looked up as though it had expected Valerie to arrive and was annoyed she was so late.

Cautiously, Valerie brushed a hand through the kitten’s curled, lightly matted fur. Its nose rose slightly to sniff her fingers. The kitten didn’t seem to find anything objectionable, so it stayed where it was.

Moving with speed and stealth, Elisa managed to pick up the listless kitten and wrap it against her body.

"Hey, little one. What are you doing out here?"

Valerie leaned toward Misty and whispered possibilities. Would Dawn be able to hold the kitten? If she had an unused bathroom, they could improvise some sort of spot for it. Valerie started looking up the closest vets to Ontario in case she adopted it. Her apartment would need serious cleanup, but she already had the scaffold of a space for this kitten. Names were next, but a bitter cry cut through the evening.

Scampering from the direction opposite the intimates boutique came a larger cat with the same black-and-white pattern remixed, teeth flashing and haunches lowered for a fight.

Bowing her head and lowering herself carefully, Elisa released the kitten. It had only started to shuffle toward the bigger cat when the mama snapped it up by the scruff of the neck and bolted away. Valerie tilted in their direction with a weighty sigh, smiling only because she knew she was supposed to.

“It’s better this way. Glad they were reunited,” Valerie said softly, to no one in particular. Misty reached for her hand, but Valerie slipped to the front of the group to rally everyone.

“I am so hungry. Let’s figure that out. I know Lillis and Elisa have their cutely competitive plans, but should we throw pizza fate in there too? I'm always a champion of that fate! Come on, we’ve got a big night ahead of us. Let’s all have a great time!”