I don’t have a lot of friends. It’s not that I’m antagonistic to people. In fact, I’m pretty cordial to pretty much everyone I know. If one were to consider everyone I am not antagonistic to as a friend, sure, I’d have lots of friends. But life doesn’t really work that way.

I don’t easily warm up to people. It takes me a substantial amount of time to really find a comfort zone with someone, if there is any to find at all. And since most people we encounter in life only pass us by for a short amount of time, I don’t have much lasting friendships.

The few friends I have are people whom I have known for years upon years. Circumstances in life had led me to continually interact with them from my childhood until adulthood. Perhaps that is a testament to their friendliness, as I would definitely have not been able to keep that up if left to my own devices.

But most of my friendships were formed from shared circumstances: a shared classroom, a shared community, a shared workplace. They were hardly any that formed from shared interests.

Chris was one such exception. True, I only met him by virtue of being in the same workplace, but he was among the handful of friends that I had similar interests with. Chris was one of the few people I could comfortably chat about the latest anime, building model kits and the likes. Such cases were rare for me.

And so even though Chris wasn’t really the first among people I knew in the office to resign, I was saddened when I learned that he was about to leave us.

* * * * *

<[email protected]> jude

<[email protected]> chris just passed his resignation

<[email protected]> what?!

<[email protected]> serious?

<[email protected]> yeah

<[email protected]> i thought he was just joking :o

<[email protected]> hahaha

<[email protected]> well he’s been hinting on it for a few weeks now

<[email protected]> so why did he resign?

<[email protected]> he doesn’t want to be with the company anymore hahaha

<[email protected]> lol

<[email protected]> you should just ask him

<[email protected]> but i think he just wants a fresh start

<[email protected]> he’s got a pretty notorious image in the eyes of our officemates

<[email protected]> because of what he did on that valentines

<[email protected]> i guess things are a bit awkward

<[email protected]> i see

<[email protected]> i’ll ask him then

* * * * *

It was true, though. Ever since Chris tried to make the moves on Rose, people never seemed to forget those series of events. If I were in his shoes, I’d definitely feel awkward, doubly so after Rose and another officemate of ours, who was working on the same project as Chris, became an item. It was amazing how Chris managed to carry himself pretty well since then. I was pretty impressed with that.

But apparently so, not everything was well. At least Desmond though so.

* * * * *

<[email protected]> you’ve resigned?!

<[email protected]> lies!

<[email protected]> lol

<[email protected]> that spread quickly

<[email protected]> so… what’s your resignation reason?

<[email protected]> “career growth”

<[email protected]> :3

<[email protected]> ok that’s the “official” cover reason

<[email protected]> what’s the unofficial one?

<[email protected]> i guess it’s just time for a change

<[email protected]> i never had any plans to stay here long term

<[email protected]> so no service loyalty award for you then lol

<[email protected]> hahaha

<[email protected]> so where do you go next? or will you bum around first?

<[email protected]> lol no i can’t afford to bum around

<[email protected]> i’ve already accepted an offer from another company

<[email protected]> oh, where?

<[email protected]> secret :3

<[email protected]> wut

<[email protected]> you already have a last day?

<[email protected]> none yet

<[email protected]> but i requested earlier

<[email protected]> i’ll start in my new work at the beginning of next month

<[email protected]> i see

<[email protected]> so where? lol

<[email protected]> secret :3

* * * * *

Word soon spread about Chris’ resignation among our group of friends. Things eventually went from people spreading the word, to officemates chatting with him what his plans were, to friends making jokes on the girls he’ll meet over at his new workplace. And as with pretty much every resigned employee in our office, someone kicked off the topic of making a farewell party for Chris.

It was another one of our office traditions. Whenever someone resigns, his group of friends would organize a send-off for him, usually involving some snacks one afternoon and a gift or two. Typically, the person’s batchmates would spearhead the event, and then as the last day drew near, they would involve the person’s greater group of friends bit by bit.

Discussions on what to do on the send-off would normally be done through e-mails. Someone starts an e-mail thread addressed to a group of friends, who in turn would add more people in the thread and add their inputs on the discussions. It was a very crude way of organizing the send-off, as more often than not two or more people would reply to the latest email and add different people to the thread, and maintaining who has yet to be added in one of those branches was quite a pain.

In Chris’s case, I was added on the week before his last day.

By that time, it was already determined that Chris’s last day would be on the following Tuesday. It was also decided that the send-off would occur exactly on that day, possibly for a dramatic effect. Who would like to have a send-off from work and then come back to work the next day anyway?

The people in the thread were discussing what food to order for the event at that point. After much ado about nothing, as though there were any doubts about it, it was finally decided to simply order from the usual place. This was the caterer from whom our officemates ordered their food from for the past number of send-offs we had. It was some combination of barbeque and pancit. We would even at times joke amongst ourselves that we already have a company resignation package set with them.

As someone who wasn’t really interested in food matters, I simply glanced over this part of the discussion. What I was more into was the discussion on the gifts, as there were several interesting and probably wacky suggestions given out.

One of the earlier suggestions given was to give him something related to photography, as this was one of his most recent major hobbies. Typically, photography stuff were rather expensive, so no one dared to suggest gears and equipments. So we ultimately settled with just buying him the latest copy of a photography magazine. One of the guys quickly volunteered to buy the magazine.

Another suggestion was to gather messages from people. This was a fairly common thing in our send-offs, and things just varied with the means by which these messages were gathered. In some cases, a big card was used. In some, several sheets of paper placed inside a box. In Chris’s case, though, this suggestion was merged with another one that was thrown in as a joke.

They say all men are perverts, and they just vary with the level of openness. In Chris’ case, he was often teased, and possibly viewed as a fun, lovable pervert. So someone suggested to give him a sleazy magazine. It just so happened, though, that the first locally produced gravure magazine hit the shelf a few weeks ago. Everything somehow fell into place. Buy him the gravure magazine, and write the messages on the magazine itself. It was both a gift to him and a means to annoy him as well. Everyone seemed to like the idea.

However, the logistics was the problem. Who was going to buy the magazine? Unlike the photography magazine, there were no quick volunteers. Perhaps some were hesitant to do so, while others were just busy.

I did have plans on that weekend to drop by a bookstore, so I ultimately decided to step up for the task. I told them I’ll try to see if the bookstore had it, and would buy it if they had. And so when the rest of the plan came together, the weekend rolled in.

* * * * *

I don’t normally regret the decisions I make in life. For one, I believe everything happens for a purpose. Then, I also believe that mistakes are formative, and we wouldn’t be the people we are if not for those mistakes. However, I do have some regrets in life. It isn’t really so much the decision of doing something, but rather there were some decisions whose execution were really anxiety filled. This was one of such cases.

When I awoke on Saturday and was simulating the stuff I was about to do that day, I quickly came to the realization that buying the gravure magazine was going to be quite awkward for me. I was raised in a very conservative way. Some people might consider me a prude. Some might consider me as an innocent boy, not versed in the ways of the world.

Buying a sleazy magazine was not something I’d normally do. I’m sure for others it would be as normal as buying a dozen of eggs in the supermarket. But it wasn’t for me. I had no idea how it’d be like. Will people give me an evil look if they see me picking up the item in the magazine rack? What will happen if someone I know sees that? Will the cashier give me a knowing smirk when I hand the magazine to him? WIll people at home condemn me if they happen to see this in my belongings? What excuse would I make? Will they believe me?

Truth be told, the simulation of events in my head was far far more nerve-wrecking than the execution in real life. Of course, nobody I knew was in the bookstore in reality. Everyone was too busy minding their own business to notice me take that gravure magazine off the rack. I never made eye contact with the cashier, who was a girl, so there was no knowing smirk or chuckle. The magazine was stashed inside my bag, and no one at home would be rude enough to look through my bag.

The buying of the magazine ultimately was uneventful.

* * * * *

I have to admit that that night I was actually quite curious to see what exactly was the fuss with the gravure magazine. In the end, I desisted. After all, I found it rather rude of me to actually browse through a gift before it was given.

* * * * *

When Monday came, I entered the office as the guy who brought a sleazy magazine to work. And since we had to get people to write on that magazine, I soon enough transition from the guy who brought a sleazy magazine to work to the guy who is going around the office passing a sleazy magazine from one person to the next.

Sure I had a very valid excuse for doing so. But that didn’t make the experience less awkward then. It would definitely count among the list of weird amusing things I’ve done.

* * * * *

In the end, Chris’s send-off party was executed as planned. He seemed genuinely appreciative of the various antics we prepared for him that afternoon, be it the gifts, the food and the incessant demand for him to give a speech.

I got quite caught up in the mood to the point that I realized quite late that I was actually seated beside Vivien. It was a funny thing. Prior to the festivities with regard to Chris’s departure, I was feeling all quite awkward when it came to Vivien. I would often go into a somber mood, entering a unending state of over-thinking that went nowhere. But in the face of something more important, all my worries seemed to have been suspended.

I realized then that my entire hang up with regard to Vivien was purely internal and self-induced. I was making it a bigger deal than it really was. There really wasn’t anything to be depressed about.

* * * * *

I was one of the last to leave our pantry area where Chris’s send off was held. While walking away from that place back to our workstations, I had a quick chat with Chris.

“Chris,” I called out to him. “Just a question. You know how ever since you did that Valentines thing, that never went away with how people viewed you? Do you regret that?”

“Nah,” Chris replied. “I was honest with my feelings, what’s there to regret?”

I simply nodded in reply.

* * * * *

That night, I thought about what Chris said. I realized that I too needed to be honest to myself:

I like Vivien. Not just a friend. I’m really attracted to her. And it’s a shame she’s no longer available. Maybe in some other timeline, she is, and somehow, we’d actually end up together. But that timeline is not mine to live, and there’s not much else for me to do than to support her relationship with her boyfriend.