Two things happened.

 

 

The first thing that happened was both Ivy's and Jack's phone flashed yellow, then orange, then alternated back and forth as the same words appeared on both:

 

MEMETIC CONTAGION DETECTED
THIS PHONE HAS BEEN FROZEN
REMAIN CALM
MAKE NO ATTEMPT TO COMMUNICATE
IF YOU ARE SHOWING SYMPTOMS
REPORT TO THE NEAREST
MEMETIC DECONTAMINATION SITE

 

The second thing that happened was that every monitor in the building, including the TV in the corner of the waiting room that had been showing some TV show about flipping houses, turned yellow and started flashing a message in black lettering. It cycled through the following four messages in quick succession on repeat:

 

ALERT

Threat Level: OMEGA (Memetic)
Warning: AVOID ALL SOCIAL MEDIA
Requesting: ALL (Techno Active Priority)
Bounty: MANDITORY COMPLIANCE

 

Special Instructions

ALL LICENSED AGENTS ARE PLACED ON ACTIVE STATUS IMMEDIATELY
REPORT TO WASP OCL FOR FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS

 

Status Update

Memetic Contagion Bypassed Memetic Filters
Currently Active In Greater Empire City And Surrounding Area
Estimated Number of Victims: 100,000+

 

Status Update

Multiple Dimensional Breaches Detected
Possible Demonic Incursion
Estimated Number of Incursions: UNKNOWN
(Detection Grid Compromised)

 

 

Ivy stared at the TV long enough to watch it cycle through once then let out a rather unlady like, "SHIT! Why did it have to happen NOW?" She started to leave, then motioned to Jack, "You'd better stay here."

 

Jack frowned then pointed at the monitor, "It says Techno Active Priority. Wouldn't that be me?"

 

Ivy looked torn, "I thought you weren't a cape?"

 

Jack rolled his eyes and held his hands out to the side as he shrugged, "Isn't the city blowing up? If I can help you, we can worry about the paperwork later, right?"

 

~Uh, Jack? What the hell? Why are you within a country mile of an action even vaguely looking like altruism?~

 

Ivy furrowed her eyebrows and took another second before she nodded, "You're right." She grabbed his hand, "Stick next to me and if I tell you to leave, leave." She yanked him out of the room as she rushed down the hallway to the monitoring room, but as she did, Nine Volt came stumbling around the corner, looking like she was running from something.

 

Nine Volt looked up, her shirt half torn off her torso. She looked quite relieved when she spotted Ivy, "IVY! Immobilize Him!"

 

Ivy slowed down a bit and started to ask, "Immobilize-" But stopped when she saw Mike from accounting. Mike was a bit of a workaholic, so it wasn't unusual to see him working this late. What was unusual was the way he was practically bouncing down the hallway trying to grab Nine Volt while he howled, "GET AWAY FROM ME!!"

 

Jack reached into his pocket and pulled out a small flashlight he kept in his pocket for just such an emergency. It glowed red as he enhanced it to shine sunlight and pointed it at Ivy, which was good because the sun, while not below the horizon, was low enough that there wasn't any natural sunlight strong enough to penetrate this far into the base. While he shined the light on Ivy, he mumbled under his breath soft enough for hopefully only Adam to hear, "With any luck this is gonna get me that kiss."

 

As the light washed over Ivy, she took on a whole new vibrancy and spared just enough time to give Jack a grateful smile before hurling a ball of sticky vines at Mike. He went down easily enough, since he was just a normal guy. Nine Volt came to a stop next to Ivy. Nine bent over, resting her hands on her knees as she tried to catch her breath, "Damn! *GASP* Asthma! *GASP*" She fumbled with her pockets to pull out an inhaler.

 

Jack shot a finger out to touch the inhaler as she took a hit. The medicine flared with a red glare which Nine didn't notice until she had already breathed in, "Hey! What the-" She paused and looked at her inhaler as the glow faded, then up at Jack, "I feel like a million bucks. What was that?"

 

"Its a gift." Jack gave her a wink.

 

Ivy took Nine by the shoulder then cast a worried glance at Mike, "Nine, What the Hell is going on?"

 

Nine motioned for Ivy and Jack to follow as she headed for the main room, "Mike had gotten contaminated apparently. He broke into the monitoring room just as the alert came down, which means it has been spreading for a while." She glanced back towards the struggling Mike.

 

Everyone heard him shout, "IT'S IN MY HEAD!" Ivy flicked a wad of sticky vines to hit him in the mouth. He started to thrash about as they rushed into the main room where everyone gathered for missions.

 

The room was full of women. The main team, the evening shift support team, as well as anyone who was on the bench who lived on base. The big TV monitor was showing the picture of a large robotic head off to one corner. The main picture was a map of Empire City showing a dozen blue lights as well as thousands of red lights spread all over the map. The blue lights were immobile, but the number of red lights were growing as they slowly shifted. As Nine Volt and Ivy came barging in, Grease looked up, "Hey! We've been calling you! Where the fuck you guys-" She stopped berating the two when she noticed Jack, "Oh Shit."

 

Jack froze, "What?" He looked around, wondering if there was something bad behind him.

 

Sass was looking distraught as she stabbed at her phone with a finger, "Gosh Darn It! He isn't picking up!" She ran her fingers through her hair and looked at her phone helplessly. She was aimlessly pacing as she looked at the phone, as if she was feeling compelled to do something, but had no idea what that thing might be.

 

~What's going on? Sass looks like she about to lose it.~

 

Wanderer stared at Jack and gave him the slightest head nod before turning to Sass and giving her a reassuring touch to the arm, "Wherever he is, I'm sure he'll be fine."

 

Grease flashed with a burst of blue lightning over next to Jack, "Sorry about this, pal, but we need to tie you up." Then glanced over at Sass, "Look on the bright side, if Adam got infected, I bet he's having the time of his life!"

 

Sass scowled at Grease, "THIS ISN'T A JOKE, GREASE!" Her face went red as you could see the unfocused rage building inside her.

 

"Sass!" Wanderer shouted at Sass to get her attention. Sass snapped her head around to look at Wanderer, who immediately continued talking in a calm and controlled voice. Wanderer made a point of touching her temple with two fingers and squinting as if she was concentrating intently, "I can't get a good read on him, because there isn't much activity. I think he's sleeping somewhere. I can't be more specific. He's just on the edge of my sensory range, but wherever he is, He's not infected. I'd go so far as to say, I don't think he even knows what is going on." She blinked as she reached out to give Sass' arm a comforting squeeze.

 

Grifter looked up from her computer terminal to echo Wanderer's sentiment, "You heard, Red. He's fine. If you want him to stay that way, let's focus on the problem at hand."

 

Sass had looked like she was about to go running out of the building and go searching for Adam, but Wanderer's words apparently got through to her, "Yeah..." She blinked and shook her head as if to clear it, "Right. Sooner we fix this, the sooner everyone is safe." She turned back to Grifter and asked, "What's first?" as the two of them fell into a discussion about where the Rascals could be put to use.

 

Grease held up a roll of duct tape to Ivy, "You want me to, or do you want the honors?" She jogged her head towards Jack as she waggled her eyebrows.

 

Jack held up both hands flat to Grease and backed up a step while shouting, "Hold it! Someone had better explain shit to me right NOW, because as fun as it might be to get tied up, I usually save that sort of thing for the third date!" Every women in the room stopped dead and turned to look at Jack. Jack glanced back at all the eyes upon him, "Uh, That was a joke." Most of them just shrugged, although a few gave Ivy a shit-eating grin and a wink before the majority turned back to wherever they were working on.

 

Ivy got in-between Grease and Jack, "Actually, I'm with him on this one. Explain why you are tying up my boyfriend."

 

Jack lowered his guard and instead focused on the back of Ivy's head, "Boyfriend?" He started to form a grin of his own.

 

Grifter sighed as she stopped planning with Sass to look over and explain things, "Listen. This is serious. Someone got a copy of the Pontypool virus." All color left Ivy's face. Nine volt actually staggered at the news. Jack just frowned as he inferred it was bad, but had no idea what they were talking about, "Fortunately, they are only using it for its R, not the payload. Still, they combined it with the virus made by that girl in Ontario, except this version is more generalized. The men infected go after women they are attracted to, not just one specific girl."

 

Nine Volt's eyes bugged out of her head, "Hold it. Someone made a super infectious horny meme? Who'd be insane enough to do that?"

 

Grease looked super pissed, "Who's the only group out there that commits gender-based acts of terrorism?"

 

Ivy frowned, "The Honey Badgers."

 

Grease nodded, "You got it in one." She pulled on the duct tape to get a strip ready and turned to face Jack, "So for your own safety we need to tie you down." She gestured around, "Pick a chair you find comfortable."

 

Jack eyed the tape with a great deal of trepidation, "WAIT! Was it that video? Because I never played it! I'm not infect-"

 

At that moment Mike burst in through the door Ivy, Nine and Jack had come from. His clothes were torn and the skin was red all around his mouth. He looked like, by sheer brute force, he managed to struggle free from the vines then ripped the ones off his mouth, without any regard to what might happen to the stubble on his face. To say he had a crazy look in his eyes would be an understatement. Since pulling himself free left him topless, Grease's first reaction was to avert her eyes instead of subduing him.

 

That was a mistake.

 

"STACY'S MOM HAS GOT IT GOING ON!!!"

 

This completely random statement completely boggled Jack into immobility as he raised a single eyebrow and muttered, "What?"

 

Mike continued to sing the one hit wonder of Fountains Of Wayne as he leaped for Nine Volt, grabbing her by the shoulders as he tried to kiss her, "SHE'S ALL I WANT AND I WAITED FOR SO LONG!"

 

You'd think Ivy would try to help Nine, but instead she leaped on Jack and slapped her hands over his ears and started shouting, "LA! LA! LA! LA! LA! LA! LA! LA! LA! LA! LA! LA!" As loud as she could right in Jack's face. However, the look on her face made it apparent she thought she was too late.

 

Grease easily grabbed Mike and put him in a sleeper hold as she muttered to herself, "Damn it! I could be wandering the streets right now looking for desperate horny men, but Noooo..."

 

Mike struggled, his words growing slurred, "STACY CAN'T... You... See?" until he passed out. There was a blur of movement as she secured Mike to a chair and put duct tape over his mouth.

 

Grease turned to face Jack, "Okay. Definitely your turn now."

 

The robot head on the big screen grew to fill the whole screen and started talking over the speakers, "Team Rascals. I have detected an outburst of memetic contamination over your com-link. Has your site been compromised?"

 

Sass looked up to address the monitor, "Nth Factorial, the head of our accounting department and apparently a guest have been infected, but we're securing them now. This shouldn't take long."

 

Jack looked around and pulled the hands down off his ears, "How do I know if it affected me, because I don't feel any different." Ivy gritted her teeth and didn't look happy, but said nothing.

 

Grease shook her head, "It takes a while to kick in, but just a few words is all it takes. So for the-"

 

Wanderer cut Grease off, "Wait!" She moved over and stood right in front of Jack, then abruptly touched his forehead. Jack crossed his eyes to look up at her finger, "Tell me you're fixing this." Wanderer dropped her hand, "I can't. The virus is too strong. But I don't have to." She turned back to the main monitor, but spoke to the entire room "He isn't infected! Somehow..." She glanced back at Jack, "He shrugged it off."

 

Everyone stopped to look at Jack. Grifter looked up "Wait. How is that possible?" Jack just shrugged.

 

Nth Factorial's image stared at Jack, "Unit Wanderer, Are you stating you believe that this male is immune to the memetic contagion?"

 

Wanderer looked at Jack and seemed rather shocked, and more than a little impressed, as she nodded to confirm, "Yes. It seems to have had no effect. I could sense he was infected. I felt it connect in his head, but almost immediately he rejected it."

 

Jack looked around, "Uhhh... Look. I dunno how this works but... Stacy's Mom? That song? I've heard it before. It was quite the ear worm back in the day. It was like, on the radio constantly back in my world for a few months. Maybe... it's because I got sick of it?"

 

Nth Factorial's image glitched for a second, "This male had been exposed to the contagion's carrier signal and therefore gained natural immunity. This immunity is non-transferable, therefore irrelevant. Returning to current primary task." He refocused on Sass, "We have two possible dimensional incursion sites within teleportation range of your Elo Unit's projected capabilities. Your team will investigate and secure both sites. to the best of your ability. Retreat and call in a SePU strike if you cannot easily handle the-

 

Jack frowned and stepped forward, "Whoa. Back up there! What about fixing this memetic mess Isn't THAT the priority here??" He gestured at the map, "All those red dots?"

 

Nth Factorial looked at Jack, "We have attempted twice to deploy memetic counter agents. Both attempts have failed. We have no easy way to counter the memetic infection, ergo we will devote our efforts to solving the problems we can. Infected citizens will have to rely on getting to memetic decontamination sites."

 

Wanderer stepped up to Jack and shook her head while motioning for him to back away. Jack did as Wanderer gestured while muttering, "They're just giving up?"

 

Wanderer shrugged, "Unless you possess the ability to directly modify memes, I don't know of anything you can do to help." She started to lead him to the far side of the room and out of the way

 

Jack abruptly stopped moving, "What did you say?"

 

Wanderer stopped as well and looked at Jack, "I said- Wait." She furrowed her eyebrows, "Can you?"

 

Jack looked at his hands, "I... dunno. I can affect anything that isn't alive. Thoughts aren't alive, right? So If I could just..." He looked at Ivy, then at Wanderer, "How can you touch a thought?"

 

Ivy looked surprised at the direction the conversation was going, but as she opened her mouth there was a loud boom, like something massive just impacted into the side of the building. The walls shook from the impact and for a second, everything lying loose in the room shuddered.

 

Grease was the first to figure out what happened and shouted, "WAIT! DEACTIVATE THE AUTOMATIC SENTRIES!" In a blur she rushed over to hit the panic button controlling the base's defenses before anyone else could. In the corner of the big screen, a smaller window appeared. It was an interior shot of one of the rooms in the base, most likely the south wing. The outer wall had been knocked down and in the resulting hole was the silhouette of a rubbery humanoid wearing a black jump suit with the letters 'BB' in white on his chest. His hands were oversized fists on the end of elongated arms. He had a youthful appearance, but his black hair looked odd and jagged, like he was some sort of living anime character.

 

The new arrival yelled so loud that everyone could hear it in the main lounge without using the audio pickups, "GREASED LIGHTNING!!!" He staggered a big and grabbed the side of his head as he stammered out, "St-stacy's MOM has got.... GRAUGH!!!" His words turned into a guttural howl as he randomly started smashing things causing chunks of ceiling to fall, "GREEEEAASSSSEEEEEEEE!!!"

 

 

Everyone looked at Grease who just stood there, going pale as she gaped at the monitor in horror.

 

 

When she spoke, the words fell from her lips as barely a whisper.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"It's my ex."